I was married at twenty-two which for many, in this day and age, seems wildly young. Not only did I marry young, but when my husband and I married, we were already parents. It basically went something like this: I graduated from college, took off my cap and gown, got into a hospital gown to give birth, and then turned around and slipped into a beautiful wedding gown–gown, to gown, to gown. Obviously, I’m not here to condone getting pregnant out of wedlock, but such was the reality of my life.
Anyway, I was married very young and while I had graduated, my husband still had one more year to go until he graduated and was commissioned in the Air Force. As you can imagine, we had little money. We seriously lived off Dustin’s student loan and the $400 a month that ROTC gave us. We lived off of very little and, yet, not for one second were we unhappy.
I love our beginning. There we were just young newlyweds trying to navigate our way. Everything in our house was mismatched. We had particle board everything–and it all was leaning and on the verge of collapse. We had no curtains, no pictures on the wall. Every single thing we owned was a hand-me-down. There was no nursery to decorate because we didn’t have the money. Not to mention, our daughter’s room was also her dad’s “office.” Thankfully, family members pitched in and we were gifted with everything we needed for our daughter. To say the least, they were humble beginnings, but they were good beginnings.
We didn’t have the money to spend on elaborate entertainment back then. Our entertainment consisted of long, evening walks, visits to parks, and going to the free zoo in town. We rarely had a date. We rarely ate out for dinner. I laugh now when I think back to our grocery bill at the time. It was somewhere along the lines of maybe $40.00. We ate well, but not extravagantly; our meals were very simple. Our Friday and Saturday nights consisted of taking our daughter on a walk and then coming home to watch TV. One day, it was blazing hot outside and we couldn’t afford admission into the city pool. The apartment complex across the street had a pool, so we snuck across and pretended that we were residents. We must have played it off well because nobody said anything.
I was very content at that time in my life. Granted, I did want to improve our situation but I was quite happy even with fewer things. During all that time, God provided and we were never want for any necessity.
Bishop Sheen once wrote:
“Contentment is based on the idea that ‘our sufficiency is not from ourselves but from God.’ The soul does not desire or lack more than what God has supplied him.”
At the dawn of our marriage, we were stripped of most things and we, as a couple, had to fight to improve our situation. We had to make goals, we had to learn how to be frugal, we had to plan, budget, save, and sacrifice. We are better for it and we did it together. We worked as a team to build a life. Starting out this way, I think, sets the stage for a greater appreciation when you do get to have nicer things. You have the contrasting lifestyles. You’ve gone without and you know what that feels like.
“Contentment is not inconsistent with our endeavor to have our condition improved. We do everything we can, as if all depended on us, but we trust in God as if everything depended on Him.”
When you do work your way to something better, you really appreciate it. We love to reminisce about our early years together because they are so different from where we are now. We can see the growth in our relationship. We can see the progress we have made and I think that it has made us closer and stronger.
I don’t pretend that we were dirt poor. I know that there are others with much less. I am grateful that every night we had food in our bellies, a roof over our head, and our needs were met. We didn’t have much of what we wanted, but we had everything we needed. What I think is important is that at nearly every stage of our marriage we have been happy. (Moving to Las Vegas threw us for a loop as a family, but that’s another story.) It’s never been about the stuff: The car, the big house, the brand name this-or-that, the fancy vacations. It’s always been about us–our family.
I often think back on those early years of our marriage and smile. I smile because we thought a Dairy Queen treat was a big deal. I smile because we had a 1985 powder blue Buick Century that was anything but cool. I smile because our idea of a good time was going to a park with a camera and taking goofy pictures of each other. I smile because I had to work three nights a week as a waitress at a smokey steakhouse. Some nights, Dustin and Rhianna would come down to see me and I loved the visits. I smile because I remember how Rhianna and I would meet her dad on campus to have lunch with him. We were the only people with a kid and a stroller. But, mostly I smile, because it was a young us, trying to find our way. We didn’t have all the answers, but we loved each other enough to trust that we could build a good life together.
I love our humble beginnings. It’s our story. It’s a good story. I love our now and all the in-between, because, no matter poor or well-off, this family growing in faith together is all the matters.
To listen to this week’s podcast where Bishop Sheen talks about …
The post The Humble Beginnings of a Married Life appeared first on .
]]>I was married at twenty-two which for many, in this day and age, seems wildly young. Not only did I marry young, but when my husband and I married, we were already parents. It basically went something like this: I graduated from college, took off my cap and gown, got into a hospital gown to give birth, and then turned around and slipped into a beautiful wedding gown–gown, to gown, to gown. Obviously, I’m not here to condone getting pregnant out of wedlock, but such was the reality of my life.
Anyway, I was married very young and while I had graduated, my husband still had one more year to go until he graduated and was commissioned in the Air Force. As you can imagine, we had little money. We seriously lived off Dustin’s student loan and the $400 a month that ROTC gave us. We lived off of very little and, yet, not for one second were we unhappy.
I love our beginning. There we were just young newlyweds trying to navigate our way. Everything in our house was mismatched. We had particle board everything–and it all was leaning and on the verge of collapse. We had no curtains, no pictures on the wall. Every single thing we owned was a hand-me-down. There was no nursery to decorate because we didn’t have the money. Not to mention, our daughter’s room was also her dad’s “office.” Thankfully, family members pitched in and we were gifted with everything we needed for our daughter. To say the least, they were humble beginnings, but they were good beginnings.
We didn’t have the money to spend on elaborate entertainment back then. Our entertainment consisted of long, evening walks, visits to parks, and going to the free zoo in town. We rarely had a date. We rarely ate out for dinner. I laugh now when I think back to our grocery bill at the time. It was somewhere along the lines of maybe $40.00. We ate well, but not extravagantly; our meals were very simple. Our Friday and Saturday nights consisted of taking our daughter on a walk and then coming home to watch TV. One day, it was blazing hot outside and we couldn’t afford admission into the city pool. The apartment complex across the street had a pool, so we snuck across and pretended that we were residents. We must have played it off well because nobody said anything.
I was very content at that time in my life. Granted, I did want to improve our situation but I was quite happy even with fewer things. During all that time, God provided and we were never want for any necessity.
Bishop Sheen once wrote:
“Contentment is based on the idea that ‘our sufficiency is not from ourselves but from God.’ The soul does not desire or lack more than what God has supplied him.”
At the dawn of our marriage, we were stripped of most things and we, as a couple, had to fight to improve our situation. We had to make goals, we had to learn how to be frugal, we had to plan, budget, save, and sacrifice. We are better for it and we did it together. We worked as a team to build a life. Starting out this way, I think, sets the stage for a greater appreciation when you do get to have nicer things. You have the contrasting lifestyles. You’ve gone without and you know what that feels like.
“Contentment is not inconsistent with our endeavor to have our condition improved. We do everything we can, as if all depended on us, but we trust in God as if everything depended on Him.”
When you do work your way to something better, you really appreciate it. We love to reminisce about our early years together because they are so different from where we are now. We can see the growth in our relationship. We can see the progress we have made and I think that it has made us closer and stronger.
I don’t pretend that we were dirt poor. I know that there are others with much less. I am grateful that every night we had food in our bellies, a roof over our head, and our needs were met. We didn’t have much of what we wanted, but we had everything we needed. What I think is important is that at nearly every stage of our marriage we have been happy. (Moving to Las Vegas threw us for a loop as a family, but that’s another story.) It’s never been about the stuff: The car, the big house, the brand name this-or-that, the fancy vacations. It’s always been about us–our family.
I often think back on those early years of our marriage and smile. I smile because we thought a Dairy Queen treat was a big deal. I smile because we had a 1985 powder blue Buick Century that was anything but cool. I smile because our idea of a good time was going to a park with a camera and taking goofy pictures of each other. I smile because I had to work three nights a week as a waitress at a smokey steakhouse. Some nights, Dustin and Rhianna would come down to see me and I loved the visits. I smile because I remember how Rhianna and I would meet her dad on campus to have lunch with him. We were the only people with a kid and a stroller. But, mostly I smile, because it was a young us, trying to find our way. We didn’t have all the answers, but we loved each other enough to trust that we could build a good life together.
I love our humble beginnings. It’s our story. It’s a good story. I love our now and all the in-between, because, no matter poor or well-off, this family growing in faith together is all the matters.
To listen to this week’s podcast where Bishop Sheen talks about …
The post The Humble Beginnings of a Married Life appeared first on .
]]>
All throughout my 20s and some of my 30s, there was a great war being fought within my mind. It was an unnecessary battle but one that had been waging since my college days. The war was between two Amys: Amy 1 felt it was her moral duty to get out in the workforce and “make something of herself.” Amy 2 longed to stay home with her daughter. It was made clear in college to Amy 1 and 2 that to not get out in the “man’s world” would make her….well…an embarrassment to the female population. Staying home and raising children or “keeping house” was not to be desired in the slightest.
So, for a long time, Amy 1 ruled the roost. I worked at different jobs because I had degrees and, Lord knows, I would waste them if I didn’t do something super duper monumental with them immediately. So, as soon as I graduated with a BS in sociology, I naturally got a “well-paying” job as a waitress. Then I worked in the mall at New York and Company. Then I worked for a bunch of hot-headed, self-absorbed defense attorneys who basically paid me in bread crumbs. From there, I worked at base legal at Wright–Patterson Air Force Base where I, still to this day, have no idea why they created the position I held. There was so little for me to do, I had to get ultra-creative just to fill my time.
Every day, I would drop my daughter off at daycare and wish with all my heart that I could stay home with her. But it was wrong, you see, to think such things. Women had fought hard so that we no longer had to be stuck at home raising “rug rats” and cooking meals for our unappreciative husbands. We had been liberated! We were free to go into the workplace and push elbows around with the big boys. Staying home was relegating women back into the Dark Ages and that was a bad place where the patriarchy ruled the universe. No self-respecting woman would EVER desire to stay home EVER again. If you did, well, it was clear and obvious that you were a weak, brainwashed woman that was a slave to your husband. Shame on you.
So, Amy 1 decided to go back to school and get a Masters in criminology. I thoroughly enjoyed my time back in school and I learned a lot. I interned at a juvenile detention facility which I found rewarding. I decided to specialize in sexual violence crimes and I wrote my whole thesis on the subject. When we moved to Florida, I got an important job as the program director for the rape crisis program at the Salvation Army Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Program. Not only was I a director, but I was also a counselor and an advocate for victims of sexual violence. In addition, I traveled all over a six-county region teaching and educating police, judges, nurses, and high school students about sexual violence. I loved my work and I found it very fulfilling. But…I still ached to be home with my two daughters.
During this period of my life, everything felt rushed. We rushed out to work and school in the mornings. We rushed home to dinner. We rushed to gymnastics practice. We rushed to get the girls to bed on time so that we could rush out the door in the morning. On the weekends, we rushed around trying to prepare for the coming week. While I loved my job, I felt that our family life had taken a back seat. My girls were so little, yet they were growing so fast and I felt I was missing out. Amy 2 kept banging on my heart, but I had to ignore her. Modern feminism told me that my life would amount to nothing if I stayed home. People would think I was boring. People would think that I was lame. I’d have nothing exciting to share about my life at high school reunions. But…still…the ache continued.
Through all this, my husband was extremely supportive. He patiently listened to me battle through this war over and over again. Each time, he’d say, “Amy, if you want to work, I completely support you in that. But, if you want to stay home, I completely support that, too. We’ll adjust our lifestyle and live with less money if we need to.” I told him that I worried that he would find me boring if I was nothing more than a “stay-at-home” mom. He just laughed at my tendency for dramatic notions. “I didn’t marry you because you were a working woman, I married you because I love you.”
Here was my husband, who was leaving the decision of whether to work or stay home up to me. I felt no pressure from him to conform to any particular path. He knew I needed to make this decision on my own and he supported me either way.
Where I felt pressure from was the modern-day feminist movement. I felt under the thumb and critical eye of liberal feminists that told me in college that the “traditional” ways were/are horrible, terrible, bad. I was told that the patriarchy ruled my life and I had to escape its grasp. In all honesty, though, the only grasp I felt squeezed in was the one from the group that supposedly was supposed to set me free. The mental anguish was torture and I hated feeling so trapped.
I am grateful for the courageous women in the past who fought to create equality in the workplace and in our society for women. I’m grateful I can vote. I’m grateful I can take out my own bank account. I’m grateful I can own my own property if I so choose and I’m grateful I can go to just about any college I want. Because of the efforts of numerous women, I can explore pretty …
The post The Smothering Expectations of Modern-Day Feminism appeared first on .
]]>All throughout my 20s and some of my 30s, there was a great war being fought within my mind. It was an unnecessary battle but one that had been waging since my college days. The war was between two Amys: Amy 1 felt it was her moral duty to get out in the workforce and “make something of herself.” Amy 2 longed to stay home with her daughter. It was made clear in college to Amy 1 and 2 that to not get out in the “man’s world” would make her….well…an embarrassment to the female population. Staying home and raising children or “keeping house” was not to be desired in the slightest.
So, for a long time, Amy 1 ruled the roost. I worked at different jobs because I had degrees and, Lord knows, I would waste them if I didn’t do something super duper monumental with them immediately. So, as soon as I graduated with a BS in sociology, I naturally got a “well-paying” job as a waitress. Then I worked in the mall at New York and Company. Then I worked for a bunch of hot-headed, self-absorbed defense attorneys who basically paid me in bread crumbs. From there, I worked at base legal at Wright–Patterson Air Force Base where I, still to this day, have no idea why they created the position I held. There was so little for me to do, I had to get ultra-creative just to fill my time.
Every day, I would drop my daughter off at daycare and wish with all my heart that I could stay home with her. But it was wrong, you see, to think such things. Women had fought hard so that we no longer had to be stuck at home raising “rug rats” and cooking meals for our unappreciative husbands. We had been liberated! We were free to go into the workplace and push elbows around with the big boys. Staying home was relegating women back into the Dark Ages and that was a bad place where the patriarchy ruled the universe. No self-respecting woman would EVER desire to stay home EVER again. If you did, well, it was clear and obvious that you were a weak, brainwashed woman that was a slave to your husband. Shame on you.
So, Amy 1 decided to go back to school and get a Masters in criminology. I thoroughly enjoyed my time back in school and I learned a lot. I interned at a juvenile detention facility which I found rewarding. I decided to specialize in sexual violence crimes and I wrote my whole thesis on the subject. When we moved to Florida, I got an important job as the program director for the rape crisis program at the Salvation Army Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Program. Not only was I a director, but I was also a counselor and an advocate for victims of sexual violence. In addition, I traveled all over a six-county region teaching and educating police, judges, nurses, and high school students about sexual violence. I loved my work and I found it very fulfilling. But…I still ached to be home with my two daughters.
During this period of my life, everything felt rushed. We rushed out to work and school in the mornings. We rushed home to dinner. We rushed to gymnastics practice. We rushed to get the girls to bed on time so that we could rush out the door in the morning. On the weekends, we rushed around trying to prepare for the coming week. While I loved my job, I felt that our family life had taken a back seat. My girls were so little, yet they were growing so fast and I felt I was missing out. Amy 2 kept banging on my heart, but I had to ignore her. Modern feminism told me that my life would amount to nothing if I stayed home. People would think I was boring. People would think that I was lame. I’d have nothing exciting to share about my life at high school reunions. But…still…the ache continued.
Through all this, my husband was extremely supportive. He patiently listened to me battle through this war over and over again. Each time, he’d say, “Amy, if you want to work, I completely support you in that. But, if you want to stay home, I completely support that, too. We’ll adjust our lifestyle and live with less money if we need to.” I told him that I worried that he would find me boring if I was nothing more than a “stay-at-home” mom. He just laughed at my tendency for dramatic notions. “I didn’t marry you because you were a working woman, I married you because I love you.”
Here was my husband, who was leaving the decision of whether to work or stay home up to me. I felt no pressure from him to conform to any particular path. He knew I needed to make this decision on my own and he supported me either way.
Where I felt pressure from was the modern-day feminist movement. I felt under the thumb and critical eye of liberal feminists that told me in college that the “traditional” ways were/are horrible, terrible, bad. I was told that the patriarchy ruled my life and I had to escape its grasp. In all honesty, though, the only grasp I felt squeezed in was the one from the group that supposedly was supposed to set me free. The mental anguish was torture and I hated feeling so trapped.
I am grateful for the courageous women in the past who fought to create equality in the workplace and in our society for women. I’m grateful I can vote. I’m grateful I can take out my own bank account. I’m grateful I can own my own property if I so choose and I’m grateful I can go to just about any college I want. Because of the efforts of numerous women, I can explore pretty …
The post The Smothering Expectations of Modern-Day Feminism appeared first on .
]]>
Growing up, I always thought I would meet a Kansas man at college, get married, and settle down in my home state. Never once did I contemplate the idea that I would leave its borders and live elsewhere. I was born in Kansas and I thought I’d live out my days in Kansas. Seems God had other plans.
My junior year of college, I decided to join Air Force ROTC. My ultimate goal was to make it to the FBI. I was told by an FBI recruiter that if I wanted to get noticed, I should either join the military or become a lawyer. I had no interest in being a lawyer, so that left only one option–the Air Force.
On my first day of ROTC, I walked in and saw Dustin. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew he was my better half. He felt like home. I know, I know that’s crazy irrational and romantically sappy but it’s true. I happened to be engaged to another man at the time but I knew at that moment, I could never marry the other guy. I eventually broke it off with him and, as you know, Dustin and I got married in 2001. For certain reasons, I was unable to continue on in ROTC so I never fully joined the military.
In May of 2002, Dustin pinned on 2nd Lieutenant, and my life as a military spouse took off. I had no idea what was in store for me. For much of Dustin’s life, he was an Army brat so he was used to moving around. I, on the other hand, had lived mostly in the same area my whole life. It was jarring to say the least.
I asked my followers online what they would like me to write about this week and someone asked me to reflect on my life as a Catholic military spouse. Those are two topics I love to talk about–Catholicism and our military life. The reason I love talking about both topics is that they both have challenged me in ways I could never have dreamed. Both the military and Catholicism have forced me to discover what I’m made of, grow, and sacrifice.
For most military families, when we move to a new place we quickly dive right in. We immerse ourselves where we are currently planted and we wanna experience all there is to see and do in the short amount of time we are stationed somewhere. Military families do not have time to slowly feel our way into a place. “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” I wish that everyone could see where they live through the eyes of a military family. To us, each place is new, fresh, and exciting. We have an incredible ability to find the hidden gems and even share new insights with the locals.
What I’ve found as a spouse, is that each place has important things to teach me: culturally, spiritually, and mentally. So, I’ll share with you what each place has taught me and I’ll show you how I grew in my Catholic Faith.
OHIO
Dayton, Ohio was our first duty station. Initially, this move was rough for me because I felt like an uprooted tree. Everything I had ever known was back in Kansas and now I was living away from family and friends. It taught me, though, that I can move out of my comfort zone and survive.
I was not Catholic when we arrived in Dayton and it was a source of contention between me and my cradle Catholic husband. My husband and I did a lot of church shopping during this time. It got old really quick and we both grew weary of the fights that ensued after church on Sunday. Amazingly, I agreed to just stick with going to a Catholic Church so that we could have some peace in our lives. This was where the seeds were planted.
FLORIDA
Panama City, Florida was a total culture shock for me. Ohio’s culture had been similar enough to Kansas’ so it was somewhat familiar to me. Florida was different. There I was introduced to southern life, sandy white beaches, collard greens, and sweet tea. Our home sat near a bay and we lived right next to a fish market. Each day, I would see the fishing ships come in and it was here that I learned to cook and enjoy seafood. More importantly, I learned to enjoy another culture.
Eight years into our marriage, I realized that the Catholic Church was where I needed to be. In September 2009, in my own special ceremony, I was welcomed into the Catholic Church. In Panama City, I found my way across the Tiber and the flame was lit.
CALIFORNIA
Cross country moves are never easy. I know, I’ve done it four times now. Lol. Florida to California took us across the bottom half of the country into the barren Mojave Desert. Edwards AFB is literally out in the middle of nowhere. Because of that, though, there is a great sense of community. Living 45 minutes from civilization means you learn to appreciate the simple things and the people you have around you. My life was scaled back in California and I learned to find the beauty in simplicity.
When you go to church on base everybody has a role to play. In order for the church to function, you need the participation of all members. Turnover is high as people move in and move out; continuity is almost non-existent as no one lives on base for very long. At Edwards AFB, I got my feet wet with teaching the faith as a religious education teacher. This forced me to start really learning the Catholic Faith well.
It was, also, in California that I was introduced to the Missions. The Missions endeared themselves to me and it is my goal to see them all one day. So far, I have seen …
The post So What’s It Like Being A Catholic Military Spouse? appeared first on .
]]>Growing up, I always thought I would meet a Kansas man at college, get married, and settle down in my home state. Never once did I contemplate the idea that I would leave its borders and live elsewhere. I was born in Kansas and I thought I’d live out my days in Kansas. Seems God had other plans.
My junior year of college, I decided to join Air Force ROTC. My ultimate goal was to make it to the FBI. I was told by an FBI recruiter that if I wanted to get noticed, I should either join the military or become a lawyer. I had no interest in being a lawyer, so that left only one option–the Air Force.
On my first day of ROTC, I walked in and saw Dustin. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew he was my better half. He felt like home. I know, I know that’s crazy irrational and romantically sappy but it’s true. I happened to be engaged to another man at the time but I knew at that moment, I could never marry the other guy. I eventually broke it off with him and, as you know, Dustin and I got married in 2001. For certain reasons, I was unable to continue on in ROTC so I never fully joined the military.
In May of 2002, Dustin pinned on 2nd Lieutenant, and my life as a military spouse took off. I had no idea what was in store for me. For much of Dustin’s life, he was an Army brat so he was used to moving around. I, on the other hand, had lived mostly in the same area my whole life. It was jarring to say the least.
I asked my followers online what they would like me to write about this week and someone asked me to reflect on my life as a Catholic military spouse. Those are two topics I love to talk about–Catholicism and our military life. The reason I love talking about both topics is that they both have challenged me in ways I could never have dreamed. Both the military and Catholicism have forced me to discover what I’m made of, grow, and sacrifice.
For most military families, when we move to a new place we quickly dive right in. We immerse ourselves where we are currently planted and we wanna experience all there is to see and do in the short amount of time we are stationed somewhere. Military families do not have time to slowly feel our way into a place. “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” I wish that everyone could see where they live through the eyes of a military family. To us, each place is new, fresh, and exciting. We have an incredible ability to find the hidden gems and even share new insights with the locals.
What I’ve found as a spouse, is that each place has important things to teach me: culturally, spiritually, and mentally. So, I’ll share with you what each place has taught me and I’ll show you how I grew in my Catholic Faith.
OHIO
Dayton, Ohio was our first duty station. Initially, this move was rough for me because I felt like an uprooted tree. Everything I had ever known was back in Kansas and now I was living away from family and friends. It taught me, though, that I can move out of my comfort zone and survive.
I was not Catholic when we arrived in Dayton and it was a source of contention between me and my cradle Catholic husband. My husband and I did a lot of church shopping during this time. It got old really quick and we both grew weary of the fights that ensued after church on Sunday. Amazingly, I agreed to just stick with going to a Catholic Church so that we could have some peace in our lives. This was where the seeds were planted.
FLORIDA
Panama City, Florida was a total culture shock for me. Ohio’s culture had been similar enough to Kansas’ so it was somewhat familiar to me. Florida was different. There I was introduced to southern life, sandy white beaches, collard greens, and sweet tea. Our home sat near a bay and we lived right next to a fish market. Each day, I would see the fishing ships come in and it was here that I learned to cook and enjoy seafood. More importantly, I learned to enjoy another culture.
Eight years into our marriage, I realized that the Catholic Church was where I needed to be. In September 2009, in my own special ceremony, I was welcomed into the Catholic Church. In Panama City, I found my way across the Tiber and the flame was lit.
CALIFORNIA
Cross country moves are never easy. I know, I’ve done it four times now. Lol. Florida to California took us across the bottom half of the country into the barren Mojave Desert. Edwards AFB is literally out in the middle of nowhere. Because of that, though, there is a great sense of community. Living 45 minutes from civilization means you learn to appreciate the simple things and the people you have around you. My life was scaled back in California and I learned to find the beauty in simplicity.
When you go to church on base everybody has a role to play. In order for the church to function, you need the participation of all members. Turnover is high as people move in and move out; continuity is almost non-existent as no one lives on base for very long. At Edwards AFB, I got my feet wet with teaching the faith as a religious education teacher. This forced me to start really learning the Catholic Faith well.
It was, also, in California that I was introduced to the Missions. The Missions endeared themselves to me and it is my goal to see them all one day. So far, I have seen …
The post So What’s It Like Being A Catholic Military Spouse? appeared first on .
]]>
I have been married to my best friend for 18 years. Eighteen beautiful years.
The first time I saw my husband, I knew he was the one. It was like, “Yep, there’s the rest of my heart sitting there across the room.” Dustin and I both had significant others when we met, but…well, you see where we are today.
I truly believe we came together because of my mom’s persistent prayers. Never underestimate a momma’s prayers; they’ve got God’s ear, for sure.
I don’t know if 18 years qualifies me to talk about marriage. I don’t know if there is a magical anniversary number that makes you legit enough to say anything about marriage. Ah, but, you know, I like talking (or writing) so I’m gonna say the things on my mind.
I’d marry this man a thousand times over. My soul is stitched to him with an unbreakable thread. There are so many things in my life that I thank God for, but the gift of my husband sits at the top of the list.
With that said, I’m going to jump right in and say some things in this blog that may make a lot of people recoil–especially women. Let’s dive in…
After a couple gets married and then children come, it is often the case, that the spouse gets put to the side. I’ve heard women tell me, “Right now, it’s all about our kids, my husband is just going to have to learn to take a back seat.” This always makes me cringe a little.
I’ve heard husbands say, “It’s all about the kids right now, when they move out, maybe then we will have some time to reconnect.” There is always sadness behind these words. I’ve never seen anyone say it with a twinkle in their eye and a genuine smile on their face.
Our marriages, outside of our relationship with God, has to sit at the top of the priority list. Marriage does not take a back burner. Your spouse is not to be placed on the sideline. There are two things that you can do that will make you amazing parents:
1. Take care of the souls that are entrusted to you by giving them a foundation in Christ and loving them.
2. Have a solid marriage. I’ll say it again. Have a solid marriage.
This does not mean love your kids less and nobody is advocating for that. It does mean, however, do not love your spouse less. Do not set them aside and then pretend that in twenty-some-odd-years that you are going to magically fall back together and all will be bliss after the kids leave. You simply cannot neglect a spouse for a quarter of a century and then pretend that it will all fall into place.
“We grew apart.” Ever heard that line before from divorced people? I have on numerous occasions and it makes me sad because it doesn’t have to be that way. On our wedding day, none of us thinks to ourselves about putting our spouse on the back burner when the kids come–not a single one of us. Yet, for many, once the kids do come, this becomes our attitude. I get it, things get busy, exhausting, mundane, and crazy. Nobody has time to gaze longingly into each other’s eyes. But, there are other ways to connect that are simple, mindful, and easy. We, oftentimes, have an either/or attitude about our spouse. Either we can gush over each other while going out on long, romantic dates OR we can just wait until all our kids are grown and then try to find the romance again. We can’t draw these hard lines and refuse to be flexible. Connecting with your spouse during the child-rearing years is going to look different than when you were first dating. It’s going to look different than a retired couple. You gotta have a realistic game-plan to stay connected and that only happens through good communication.
Your kids are the gift of your love with your spouse. Your kids need mom and dad to be unbreakable. You are their foundation and they need that foundation to maintain throughout their life. Yes, even as adults, they need that foundation. I know this to be true because my parents divorced when I was in my thirties. The pain is just as great no matter your age.
You are being a good mother when you love your children’s father. You are being a fantastic dad when you love your wife. Kids need to see you loving each other, fighting for each other, depending on each other. They need to see you kiss, hug, hold hands, and snuggle. They need to see you argue (without cussing and name-calling) and then make up without breaking up. You teach them that you can have disagreements with people, but not fall apart and hate each other. Want your children to have a beautiful, peaceful, secure childhood? Then love your spouse with all your being. As children, there is no substitute for falling asleep at night content in the knowledge that mom and dad are one.
Of course, this doesn’t mean don’t take care of your children. It doesn’t mean don’t love them with all your heart. It’s not like, we as humans, have a limited amount of love. In fact, when we love and love well, it gives us more energy and more joy. Understand this, one day your kids are going to move out and start their own families. Their priority should then be their spouse–not mom and dad. You are hopefully going to be with your spouse longer than any other human being on earth: Longer than with your own parents, longer than with your kids. The relationship you have with your spouse is of utmost importance. Your kids want a place to come home to, to see mom and dad–together. They want to know that when they leave the house one day, the two of …
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]]>I have been married to my best friend for 18 years. Eighteen beautiful years.
The first time I saw my husband, I knew he was the one. It was like, “Yep, there’s the rest of my heart sitting there across the room.” Dustin and I both had significant others when we met, but…well, you see where we are today.
I truly believe we came together because of my mom’s persistent prayers. Never underestimate a momma’s prayers; they’ve got God’s ear, for sure.
I don’t know if 18 years qualifies me to talk about marriage. I don’t know if there is a magical anniversary number that makes you legit enough to say anything about marriage. Ah, but, you know, I like talking (or writing) so I’m gonna say the things on my mind.
I’d marry this man a thousand times over. My soul is stitched to him with an unbreakable thread. There are so many things in my life that I thank God for, but the gift of my husband sits at the top of the list.
With that said, I’m going to jump right in and say some things in this blog that may make a lot of people recoil–especially women. Let’s dive in…
After a couple gets married and then children come, it is often the case, that the spouse gets put to the side. I’ve heard women tell me, “Right now, it’s all about our kids, my husband is just going to have to learn to take a back seat.” This always makes me cringe a little.
I’ve heard husbands say, “It’s all about the kids right now, when they move out, maybe then we will have some time to reconnect.” There is always sadness behind these words. I’ve never seen anyone say it with a twinkle in their eye and a genuine smile on their face.
Our marriages, outside of our relationship with God, has to sit at the top of the priority list. Marriage does not take a back burner. Your spouse is not to be placed on the sideline. There are two things that you can do that will make you amazing parents:
1. Take care of the souls that are entrusted to you by giving them a foundation in Christ and loving them.
2. Have a solid marriage. I’ll say it again. Have a solid marriage.
This does not mean love your kids less and nobody is advocating for that. It does mean, however, do not love your spouse less. Do not set them aside and then pretend that in twenty-some-odd-years that you are going to magically fall back together and all will be bliss after the kids leave. You simply cannot neglect a spouse for a quarter of a century and then pretend that it will all fall into place.
“We grew apart.” Ever heard that line before from divorced people? I have on numerous occasions and it makes me sad because it doesn’t have to be that way. On our wedding day, none of us thinks to ourselves about putting our spouse on the back burner when the kids come–not a single one of us. Yet, for many, once the kids do come, this becomes our attitude. I get it, things get busy, exhausting, mundane, and crazy. Nobody has time to gaze longingly into each other’s eyes. But, there are other ways to connect that are simple, mindful, and easy. We, oftentimes, have an either/or attitude about our spouse. Either we can gush over each other while going out on long, romantic dates OR we can just wait until all our kids are grown and then try to find the romance again. We can’t draw these hard lines and refuse to be flexible. Connecting with your spouse during the child-rearing years is going to look different than when you were first dating. It’s going to look different than a retired couple. You gotta have a realistic game-plan to stay connected and that only happens through good communication.
Your kids are the gift of your love with your spouse. Your kids need mom and dad to be unbreakable. You are their foundation and they need that foundation to maintain throughout their life. Yes, even as adults, they need that foundation. I know this to be true because my parents divorced when I was in my thirties. The pain is just as great no matter your age.
You are being a good mother when you love your children’s father. You are being a fantastic dad when you love your wife. Kids need to see you loving each other, fighting for each other, depending on each other. They need to see you kiss, hug, hold hands, and snuggle. They need to see you argue (without cussing and name-calling) and then make up without breaking up. You teach them that you can have disagreements with people, but not fall apart and hate each other. Want your children to have a beautiful, peaceful, secure childhood? Then love your spouse with all your being. As children, there is no substitute for falling asleep at night content in the knowledge that mom and dad are one.
Of course, this doesn’t mean don’t take care of your children. It doesn’t mean don’t love them with all your heart. It’s not like, we as humans, have a limited amount of love. In fact, when we love and love well, it gives us more energy and more joy. Understand this, one day your kids are going to move out and start their own families. Their priority should then be their spouse–not mom and dad. You are hopefully going to be with your spouse longer than any other human being on earth: Longer than with your own parents, longer than with your kids. The relationship you have with your spouse is of utmost importance. Your kids want a place to come home to, to see mom and dad–together. They want to know that when they leave the house one day, the two of …
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]]>
So, last Thursday, I wrote a post commenting on the recent poll from the Wall Street Journal and NBC News. The poll showed that only 30% of Millennials and Gen Zers believe having children is important. That means 70% don’t which is a startling number. In my post, I gave my opinion on why I think this is so. Mostly, I believe that it is a product of the devaluation of life through abortion and the growing acceptance of euthanasia. I, also, believe that we’ve lost the purpose of marriage. To be fair, many Millennials and Gen Zers are legitimately worried about the planet and its resources and feel adding more children is harmful. Others have legitimate reasons for not having children in their marriage at the present time because of job situations and financial concerns. All of which I get and understand.
However, I have a sneaking suspicion that a big reason for these percentages is selfish motivations. I’ve dealt with the “child-free” crowd before and let’s just say that selfLESSness isn’t their strong suit. This isn’t my opinion. They will happily tell you that they have zero
For this blog, I am going to take their attempted definitions of marriage and show why they don’t work.
Ashley: “The purpose of
My Response: This “purpose” is bereft of any meaning. It certainly doesn’t answer the question. If a child asked you what the purpose of marriage was and you gave this response, they’d leave more confused than when they started.
Nikki: “I have only one person who I have chosen to live with and support for our lives.”
My Response: All this is, is a description of life circumstances. It doesn’t define what marriage is or give its purpose. You could have two friends that live together and support each other for life, never getting married. You could choose to live with a parent for the rest of your life and support them. A special needs child often lives with their parents for the rest of their lives.
Danielle: Marriage’s purpose is to tie two CONSENTING ADULTS into a union, which could be emotional, financial or political in nature depending on circumstances.
My Response: A business meager could tie two consenting adults into a financial relationship, too. Definitions that are so general in nature and could describe many different things are not good definitions.
Melissa: Marriage is a partnership between two people.
My response: You can have partnerships with co-workers, business owners, friends, contractors, and many other types of relationships. This, in no way, shows how marriage is unique from other relationships.
Melissa: Marriage itself is a civil contract wherein you pledge to share half of everything. That’s all it is.
My Response: If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was describing a business partnership.
One lady gave me the Oxford Dictionary definition which is: The legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship.
(As a side note: I went and looked in my actual dictionary from 1996 and the definition was: The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife. It’s not completely satisfying but at least it isn’t completely vague and ambiguous.)
My Response: The recent definition is the vaguest definition I can ever imagine. If I was an alien and came to earth and asked what marriage was and this definition was given to me, I’d really have no clue as to what it truly meant. This is what happens when marriage gets watered-down into meaning anything people want it to mean. It loses purpose and explanation. If any relationship can be a marriage because you say so, then no relationship is a marriage. Notice how it says “two people.” It doesn’t even say “adults.” When I pressed the lady who offered this definition on if she would be okay with an adult marrying a child, she decided to make an adjustment to the dictionary definition.
“I’d add that it should say “two consenting adults.”
Yeah, but it doesn’t and now the definition that she offered up doesn’t agree with what she wants it to say. This definition from the dictionary is about as explanatory as saying an apple is a fruit that comes from a tree. It begs the question: Which fruit from which tree? If I pick a fruit from a tree how do I know it’s an apple or not?
I had a few others tell me that marriage is whatever a couple defines it to be, but that’s nonsensical. Words have meanings. We can’t go around just defining things however we want. That causes chaos and makes our language meaningless.
What surprised me most was that nobody added in the sexual aspect to the definition. As Catholics, we are accused all the time of being anti-sex, yet the Catechism explicitly talks about the sexual union between the married couple and the importance of it.
Finally, someone asked me for my definition and here is my answer paraphrased from the Catechism:
Marriage is a covenant in which a man and woman freely and fully bind themselves for life for the building up of the family. It is a sexual, lifelong commitment that should be faithful and a total gift of self. Marriage not only binds the married couple but brings together two families and builds foundations for society to be built off of. The couple is ordered toward the procreation of children and is …
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]]>So, last Thursday, I wrote a post commenting on the recent poll from the Wall Street Journal and NBC News. The poll showed that only 30% of Millennials and Gen Zers believe having children is important. That means 70% don’t which is a startling number. In my post, I gave my opinion on why I think this is so. Mostly, I believe that it is a product of the devaluation of life through abortion and the growing acceptance of euthanasia. I, also, believe that we’ve lost the purpose of marriage. To be fair, many Millennials and Gen Zers are legitimately worried about the planet and its resources and feel adding more children is harmful. Others have legitimate reasons for not having children in their marriage at the present time because of job situations and financial concerns. All of which I get and understand.
However, I have a sneaking suspicion that a big reason for these percentages is selfish motivations. I’ve dealt with the “child-free” crowd before and let’s just say that selfLESSness isn’t their strong suit. This isn’t my opinion. They will happily tell you that they have zero
For this blog, I am going to take their attempted definitions of marriage and show why they don’t work.
Ashley: “The purpose of
My Response: This “purpose” is bereft of any meaning. It certainly doesn’t answer the question. If a child asked you what the purpose of marriage was and you gave this response, they’d leave more confused than when they started.
Nikki: “I have only one person who I have chosen to live with and support for our lives.”
My Response: All this is, is a description of life circumstances. It doesn’t define what marriage is or give its purpose. You could have two friends that live together and support each other for life, never getting married. You could choose to live with a parent for the rest of your life and support them. A special needs child often lives with their parents for the rest of their lives.
Danielle: Marriage’s purpose is to tie two CONSENTING ADULTS into a union, which could be emotional, financial or political in nature depending on circumstances.
My Response: A business meager could tie two consenting adults into a financial relationship, too. Definitions that are so general in nature and could describe many different things are not good definitions.
Melissa: Marriage is a partnership between two people.
My response: You can have partnerships with co-workers, business owners, friends, contractors, and many other types of relationships. This, in no way, shows how marriage is unique from other relationships.
Melissa: Marriage itself is a civil contract wherein you pledge to share half of everything. That’s all it is.
My Response: If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was describing a business partnership.
One lady gave me the Oxford Dictionary definition which is: The legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship.
(As a side note: I went and looked in my actual dictionary from 1996 and the definition was: The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife. It’s not completely satisfying but at least it isn’t completely vague and ambiguous.)
My Response: The recent definition is the vaguest definition I can ever imagine. If I was an alien and came to earth and asked what marriage was and this definition was given to me, I’d really have no clue as to what it truly meant. This is what happens when marriage gets watered-down into meaning anything people want it to mean. It loses purpose and explanation. If any relationship can be a marriage because you say so, then no relationship is a marriage. Notice how it says “two people.” It doesn’t even say “adults.” When I pressed the lady who offered this definition on if she would be okay with an adult marrying a child, she decided to make an adjustment to the dictionary definition.
“I’d add that it should say “two consenting adults.”
Yeah, but it doesn’t and now the definition that she offered up doesn’t agree with what she wants it to say. This definition from the dictionary is about as explanatory as saying an apple is a fruit that comes from a tree. It begs the question: Which fruit from which tree? If I pick a fruit from a tree how do I know it’s an apple or not?
I had a few others tell me that marriage is whatever a couple defines it to be, but that’s nonsensical. Words have meanings. We can’t go around just defining things however we want. That causes chaos and makes our language meaningless.
What surprised me most was that nobody added in the sexual aspect to the definition. As Catholics, we are accused all the time of being anti-sex, yet the Catechism explicitly talks about the sexual union between the married couple and the importance of it.
Finally, someone asked me for my definition and here is my answer paraphrased from the Catechism:
Marriage is a covenant in which a man and woman freely and fully bind themselves for life for the building up of the family. It is a sexual, lifelong commitment that should be faithful and a total gift of self. Marriage not only binds the married couple but brings together two families and builds foundations for society to be built off of. The couple is ordered toward the procreation of children and is …
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]]>
Years ago, back when I was a young college student, I was sitting one day in a lounge chair reading the student newspaper in the library on campus. During breaks between classes, I always went to the library and read the newspaper front to back and then I would tackle the crossword puzzle found on one of the back pages. One day, I was reading an opinion article by one of the student journalist. I always disagreed with nearly everything he wrote and this day was no different. He had written about how wrong it was for the Boy Scouts to deny homosexual men to be troop leaders. Every word of his article raised my blood pressure more and more. By the time I was done reading it, I was ready for a fight.
I hopped onto the nearest computer (there were few laptops at that time, so I date myself) and I fired off a reply to him in no less than 10 minutes. I listed off all the reasonings why I disagreed with the author of the opinion piece. I was pleased as punch with myself. I was standing up for sexual purity! I was fighting the good fight! I was backing up the Bible and defending its teachings!
The only problem was that I didn’t live up to the teachings of the Bible when it came to sex. I was in a relationship where my boyfriend and I had been engaged in pre-marital sex for years. Never once, in writing that rebuttal, did I think to look over my own life and see if I had fallen into sexual sin. Not to mention, I was utterly and completely uncharitable. I was blinded by the beam in my eye–that big, big beam.
My rebuttal got published the next day and I was completely satisfied with myself. In fact, I didn’t really give it a second thought after that day until years and years later when I started looking over the landscape of our broken culture. I was thinking about all the sexual sins that go on in our country and how no one seems to bat an eye. Sure, some people try to talk about purity and chastity, but they are laughed out of the building. I wondered how we got to the point of this “whatever, Man, do what makes you feel good” attitude. How have we gotten to the point where fornication, homosexual acts, and pornography are not only commonplace but defended and completely accepted by most in society? How have we lost the moral high ground? Then, like being hit with a 2×4 (that beam I’d been lugging around), I realized that I had contributed to the problem.
Sure, sexual sins have been going on since the most ancient of days. Read the Bible and it’s pretty apparent that people were engaging in some pretty heinous stuff in the sexual department. What we are dealing with is nothing new. There was a time in pagan cultures when it was pretty much anything goes. Incest was no biggy. Fornication was fine. Orgies were a thing. Child sexual abuse was not seen as bad. Homosexual acts were normal. Spouses cheated on each other, but so what?
We can see in the Old Testament many stories of people engaged in sexual sins and God is not pleased and most of the time bad things happen to them. Then Christ comes along and He takes it to a whole other level. He tells us in Matthew 5:28, “But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
“Whoa, Jesus, even lust is bad? Are you sure you’re not just being a kill-joy? I mean, come on, lust?”
St. Paul, writing with the inspiration of the Holy Spirit talks about sexual sins in nearly every letter he wrote. In 1 Corinthians 6:9 he says, “Do you not know that the unjust will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers nor boy prostitutes nor sodomites.” Seriously, read just about any letter written by St. Paul and he covers sexual sin and talks about how wrong it is. Yet, here we are in 2024 and nearly all sexual sins are encouraged, if not celebrated.
But, how did we get here? I have a theory. Most of us, not all, but most of us have engaged in at least one kind of sexual sin, if not multiple. I’m gonna have to raise my hand for the “multiple” category. However, most of us never want to look at what we ourselves are doing wrong, but are more interested in what others are doing wrong. We lack self-examination. We are quick to point out other people’s sexual faults and live in a state of denial about our own. Yet, over time, as it’s become less and less taboo to talk about sex, people have been more open about what they have been doing behind closed doors. As we expose ourselves, we realize that we want to keep doing our sexual sins and so, who are we really to call anyone else out on theirs? We subconsciously think, “I don’t want them telling me what I’m doing is wrong, so I really can’t tell them what they are doing is wrong. I want to keep doing _____________ (fill in the blank), so I really should be fine with Mr. So and So doing ______________ (fill in the blank).
I realize that this won’t make a lick of difference to the non-believing crowd, in fact, it will probably enrage them. They lack a belief in God and, therefore, don’t feel obligated to adhere to what the Bible teaches or commands. They will just see this as a bunch of puritanical, sex-hating nonsense. To add to that, they view us as mostly a bunch of hypocrites. They are right in saying that Christians seem to focus …
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]]>Years ago, back when I was a young college student, I was sitting one day in a lounge chair reading the student newspaper in the library on campus. During breaks between classes, I always went to the library and read the newspaper front to back and then I would tackle the crossword puzzle found on one of the back pages. One day, I was reading an opinion article by one of the student journalist. I always disagreed with nearly everything he wrote and this day was no different. He had written about how wrong it was for the Boy Scouts to deny homosexual men to be troop leaders. Every word of his article raised my blood pressure more and more. By the time I was done reading it, I was ready for a fight.
I hopped onto the nearest computer (there were few laptops at that time, so I date myself) and I fired off a reply to him in no less than 10 minutes. I listed off all the reasonings why I disagreed with the author of the opinion piece. I was pleased as punch with myself. I was standing up for sexual purity! I was fighting the good fight! I was backing up the Bible and defending its teachings!
The only problem was that I didn’t live up to the teachings of the Bible when it came to sex. I was in a relationship where my boyfriend and I had been engaged in pre-marital sex for years. Never once, in writing that rebuttal, did I think to look over my own life and see if I had fallen into sexual sin. Not to mention, I was utterly and completely uncharitable. I was blinded by the beam in my eye–that big, big beam.
My rebuttal got published the next day and I was completely satisfied with myself. In fact, I didn’t really give it a second thought after that day until years and years later when I started looking over the landscape of our broken culture. I was thinking about all the sexual sins that go on in our country and how no one seems to bat an eye. Sure, some people try to talk about purity and chastity, but they are laughed out of the building. I wondered how we got to the point of this “whatever, Man, do what makes you feel good” attitude. How have we gotten to the point where fornication, homosexual acts, and pornography are not only commonplace but defended and completely accepted by most in society? How have we lost the moral high ground? Then, like being hit with a 2×4 (that beam I’d been lugging around), I realized that I had contributed to the problem.
Sure, sexual sins have been going on since the most ancient of days. Read the Bible and it’s pretty apparent that people were engaging in some pretty heinous stuff in the sexual department. What we are dealing with is nothing new. There was a time in pagan cultures when it was pretty much anything goes. Incest was no biggy. Fornication was fine. Orgies were a thing. Child sexual abuse was not seen as bad. Homosexual acts were normal. Spouses cheated on each other, but so what?
We can see in the Old Testament many stories of people engaged in sexual sins and God is not pleased and most of the time bad things happen to them. Then Christ comes along and He takes it to a whole other level. He tells us in Matthew 5:28, “But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
“Whoa, Jesus, even lust is bad? Are you sure you’re not just being a kill-joy? I mean, come on, lust?”
St. Paul, writing with the inspiration of the Holy Spirit talks about sexual sins in nearly every letter he wrote. In 1 Corinthians 6:9 he says, “Do you not know that the unjust will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers nor boy prostitutes nor sodomites.” Seriously, read just about any letter written by St. Paul and he covers sexual sin and talks about how wrong it is. Yet, here we are in 2024 and nearly all sexual sins are encouraged, if not celebrated.
But, how did we get here? I have a theory. Most of us, not all, but most of us have engaged in at least one kind of sexual sin, if not multiple. I’m gonna have to raise my hand for the “multiple” category. However, most of us never want to look at what we ourselves are doing wrong, but are more interested in what others are doing wrong. We lack self-examination. We are quick to point out other people’s sexual faults and live in a state of denial about our own. Yet, over time, as it’s become less and less taboo to talk about sex, people have been more open about what they have been doing behind closed doors. As we expose ourselves, we realize that we want to keep doing our sexual sins and so, who are we really to call anyone else out on theirs? We subconsciously think, “I don’t want them telling me what I’m doing is wrong, so I really can’t tell them what they are doing is wrong. I want to keep doing _____________ (fill in the blank), so I really should be fine with Mr. So and So doing ______________ (fill in the blank).
I realize that this won’t make a lick of difference to the non-believing crowd, in fact, it will probably enrage them. They lack a belief in God and, therefore, don’t feel obligated to adhere to what the Bible teaches or commands. They will just see this as a bunch of puritanical, sex-hating nonsense. To add to that, they view us as mostly a bunch of hypocrites. They are right in saying that Christians seem to focus …
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Recently, I’ve had a lot of people private message me about their marriages. They are writing about marriages that have lost affection, ones that are void of love, and marriages that are teetering over the edge of a cliff poised to fall into destruction. It’s heartbreaking. There is a real and true pain that comes from a marriage that seems destined to fail. I know that hurt because I am the child of divorced parents and it’s a heartbreak that never fully heals.
It’s getting to the point in my life where a lot of people my age are starting to get divorced. Within the past couple of years, many couples that I know have called it quits or are living in marriages that are barely hanging on. What I’ve noticed is that the problems usually revolve around a few specific issues: Lack of proper communication, no effort, preoccupation with kids, and an expectation for the other person to always do the changing. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but they are the ones that come up most often. I plan on addressing these topics starting with the last one first.
A disclaimer: I realize that some marriages are filled with abuse or addiction or both. I’m not saying that you must stick it out in a dangerous marriage. Sometimes it is necessary to leave for the safety of you and your children. I’m speaking in this blog of marriages that are lackluster, lacking connection, or have faded into two people living in the same house, but that aren’t loving each other well.
THEY NEED TO CHANGE
Have you ever talked to a divorced person? I’m sure you have. Ever notice how when they talk about the downfall of their marriage it is ALWAYS the other person’s fault. The person you are talking to will give you a whole laundry list about how awful and impossible the other person was to deal with on a daily basis. You’ll hear all the juicy details and end up thinking that this person they are describing is an absolute monster. And yet…
I’ve learned a few things in life and one of them is this: Nobody likes to self-reflect and see where they need to change, myself included. And everybody likes to heap all blame on others and expect–DEMAND–them to change. Rarely is there ever a marriage where 100% of the problems can be set upon the shoulders of one. Relationships involve broken, faulty people. To think that we are perfect like a red, red rose is unhealthy and untrue. We ALL have annoying habits, faults, failings, and things we need to work on. If we are demanding others to change, we must demand the same standard for ourselves. In fact, demanding anyone to change will often be a recipe for disaster. All we can do is control ourselves and make sure that we are doing all that we can to be a good and loving spouse.
I’ve met a few people in my life who were willing to look at themselves and see how they contributed to the destruction of their marriage, but this is rare. A good practice to put into play is to periodically ask your spouse if there is anything that you can work on. On the flip side of this, if your spouse asks you, be honest. Tell them if there is something you see that could help them become better. Say it gently and with the purpose of loving correction, not spiteful criticism.
PREOCCUPATION WITH KIDS
I always have to preface this topic by first saying that I’m not encouraging you to neglect your kids. For some reason, when people hear “make your marriage a priority” they translate that into “NEGLECT YOUR KIDS!” You and your spouse are the foundation of your family. No foundation, no family. It is imperative that you and your spouse take time to focus on each other as romantic partners and not just parents. Too often, married couples are great at parenting, but lousy in the spousal department. These spouses have noble intentions, but remember, your kids need to know that you are a solid foundation. By only focusing on your kids and what’s best for them you could unintentionally leave them with a broken home. This isn’t what is best for your kids. What is best for your kids is to see mom and dad love each other. I wrote a whole blog on this that you can read here.
In my life, I’ve had numerous people say to me that it was best for them to break up because their kids didn’t need to see mom and dad fighting all the time. Then they will go on to tell me that since their break-up they are a super great parenting duo and they are great friends now. As a child of divorced parents, let me say that the absolute best thing for your kids is for mom and dad to learn to be great friends in their marriage instead of after it’s broken apart. If you can be great friends after divorce, you obviously have it in you to do it. Usually, they become great friends because all expectations are dropped. They aren’t expecting the other person to be a perfect spouse any longer and nobody is expecting them to be perfect. Baring the marriage isn’t toxic from abuse or addiction, what kids really need is mom and dad under one roof doing what it takes to save their marriage.
NO EFFORT
It is easy after the honeymoon period wears off to just settle into stability mode. I understand that kids, chores, bills, work, and outside commitments make it very hard to find loads of time to focus on your marriage. However, your relationship with your spouse is THE most important relationship you have with an earthly person. Your kids will move up and on and their families will take precedence over mom and dad. It’s very common for a …
The post Help! My Marriage Has “Lost That Loving Feeling!” appeared first on .
]]>Recently, I’ve had a lot of people private message me about their marriages. They are writing about marriages that have lost affection, ones that are void of love, and marriages that are teetering over the edge of a cliff poised to fall into destruction. It’s heartbreaking. There is a real and true pain that comes from a marriage that seems destined to fail. I know that hurt because I am the child of divorced parents and it’s a heartbreak that never fully heals.
It’s getting to the point in my life where a lot of people my age are starting to get divorced. Within the past couple of years, many couples that I know have called it quits or are living in marriages that are barely hanging on. What I’ve noticed is that the problems usually revolve around a few specific issues: Lack of proper communication, no effort, preoccupation with kids, and an expectation for the other person to always do the changing. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but they are the ones that come up most often. I plan on addressing these topics starting with the last one first.
A disclaimer: I realize that some marriages are filled with abuse or addiction or both. I’m not saying that you must stick it out in a dangerous marriage. Sometimes it is necessary to leave for the safety of you and your children. I’m speaking in this blog of marriages that are lackluster, lacking connection, or have faded into two people living in the same house, but that aren’t loving each other well.
THEY NEED TO CHANGE
Have you ever talked to a divorced person? I’m sure you have. Ever notice how when they talk about the downfall of their marriage it is ALWAYS the other person’s fault. The person you are talking to will give you a whole laundry list about how awful and impossible the other person was to deal with on a daily basis. You’ll hear all the juicy details and end up thinking that this person they are describing is an absolute monster. And yet…
I’ve learned a few things in life and one of them is this: Nobody likes to self-reflect and see where they need to change, myself included. And everybody likes to heap all blame on others and expect–DEMAND–them to change. Rarely is there ever a marriage where 100% of the problems can be set upon the shoulders of one. Relationships involve broken, faulty people. To think that we are perfect like a red, red rose is unhealthy and untrue. We ALL have annoying habits, faults, failings, and things we need to work on. If we are demanding others to change, we must demand the same standard for ourselves. In fact, demanding anyone to change will often be a recipe for disaster. All we can do is control ourselves and make sure that we are doing all that we can to be a good and loving spouse.
I’ve met a few people in my life who were willing to look at themselves and see how they contributed to the destruction of their marriage, but this is rare. A good practice to put into play is to periodically ask your spouse if there is anything that you can work on. On the flip side of this, if your spouse asks you, be honest. Tell them if there is something you see that could help them become better. Say it gently and with the purpose of loving correction, not spiteful criticism.
PREOCCUPATION WITH KIDS
I always have to preface this topic by first saying that I’m not encouraging you to neglect your kids. For some reason, when people hear “make your marriage a priority” they translate that into “NEGLECT YOUR KIDS!” You and your spouse are the foundation of your family. No foundation, no family. It is imperative that you and your spouse take time to focus on each other as romantic partners and not just parents. Too often, married couples are great at parenting, but lousy in the spousal department. These spouses have noble intentions, but remember, your kids need to know that you are a solid foundation. By only focusing on your kids and what’s best for them you could unintentionally leave them with a broken home. This isn’t what is best for your kids. What is best for your kids is to see mom and dad love each other. I wrote a whole blog on this that you can read here.
In my life, I’ve had numerous people say to me that it was best for them to break up because their kids didn’t need to see mom and dad fighting all the time. Then they will go on to tell me that since their break-up they are a super great parenting duo and they are great friends now. As a child of divorced parents, let me say that the absolute best thing for your kids is for mom and dad to learn to be great friends in their marriage instead of after it’s broken apart. If you can be great friends after divorce, you obviously have it in you to do it. Usually, they become great friends because all expectations are dropped. They aren’t expecting the other person to be a perfect spouse any longer and nobody is expecting them to be perfect. Baring the marriage isn’t toxic from abuse or addiction, what kids really need is mom and dad under one roof doing what it takes to save their marriage.
NO EFFORT
It is easy after the honeymoon period wears off to just settle into stability mode. I understand that kids, chores, bills, work, and outside commitments make it very hard to find loads of time to focus on your marriage. However, your relationship with your spouse is THE most important relationship you have with an earthly person. Your kids will move up and on and their families will take precedence over mom and dad. It’s very common for a …
The post Help! My Marriage Has “Lost That Loving Feeling!” appeared first on .
]]>
A few weeks ago, I was asked about my thoughts on whether Catholics should marry people who aren’t Catholic. Since I’ve been moving, I haven’t had the chance to really sit down and write my thoughts out. I’ve finally found a few moments between the boxes, painting, and organizing our new home.
First, I wasn’t Catholic when my husband married me. He is a cradle Catholic, but neither one of us were living out our faith when we met. We called ourselves Christians, but I wouldn’t say we were practicing. So, my first reaction is to say that I’m sure glad my hubby took a chance on me, a Protestant. However, I understand that things are a little more nuanced and marriage isn’t just about fluffy feelings and warm fuzzies. Who you marry is very serious business. People in our culture don’t take it serious enough and marry, often times, just because it “feels right.”
Secondly, it doesn’t really matter what I think, it matters what Christ and the Church think. Christ didn’t specifically say in Scripture, “Thee may only marry other Catholics.” So, we must rely on the Magisterium of the Church to give us guidance. Does the Church say that a Catholic and a non-Catholic can’t be married? No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t even say that you aren’t allowed to marry a non-baptized person.
But….
More important than the health of our bodies, is the health of our souls. Our souls are eternal, our bodies are not. Anything that can cause peril for our souls is something to be avoided. Clearly, it’s hard for us humans to avoid every single thing that could harm our souls. The Church warns against anything that could cause us to turn away from the Catholic Faith and its life-giving sacraments. To read what the Church says about this, you can read in the Catechism of the Catholic Church in sections 1633-1637.
For this blog, however, I’d just like to offer up my musings. To be sure, I’m not a church authority figure, so my words should be taken with a grain of salt.
The Disappearing Catholic
The other day I was out in my front lawn spreading some fertilizer. A lawn man across the street took a break from his mowing and we started up a friendly conversation. At one point, he asked me what was written on my t-shirt. I happened to be wearing a t-shirt that advertised the World Meeting of Families 2015 in Philadelphia. My family had attended it and it was amazing. I read it off to him and he said, “Is that some kind of big family organization?”
I kind of chuckled and said, “Well, yes, it’s the Catholic Church. I’m Catholic.”
“Oh, my dad was Catholic, but he married my mom who was Baptist. They did that for a while, but then really nothing.”
His dad was the type of Catholic that just disappears from their faith. They marry a person of a different faith background and since they aren’t in sync, they just disappear from the Catholic Church altogether.
I’ve heard this story numerous times. These people fall away from the sacraments and all the ways to gain sanctifying grace. It’s a soul that’s in danger and the Church most definitely doesn’t want that.
The “It’s Easier This Way” Catholic
I’ve met many people who end up just leaving the Catholic Faith and converting to their spouse’s faith background. They find it’s easier than church hopping or fighting about it all the time. But, if the Catholic Church is the Church Christ founded, we can’t just abandon it. This is something that has to be thought about before marriage. Leaving behind what is true, especially when you know it to be true, is not a good reason.
The Catholic With Confused Kids
My husband worked with this one guy whose mom was Protestant and his dad was Jewish. His parents were since divorced, but because he grew up in a mixed-religion household, he basically is indifferent about religion. “Who’s right?” is his question. Because his parents weren’t on the same page, he grew up confused and, in the end, disinterested. Our children’s souls are entrusted to us as parents and mixed-religion families can cause a lot of confusion for kids. The disconnect can be a catalyst that causes them to abandon their faith altogether. Of course, a child that comes from a solid Catholic home could abandon the faith, too, and many do. However, as parents, we have to do our utmost to make sure we aren’t adding to the problem.
The Lukewarm Catholics
Folks, I’ve taught Confirmation classes for the past two years and, let me tell you, just having two married Catholics is no guarantee they are guiding each other to heaven.
You can have two married Catholics, but they can be lukewarm in their faith. You know who I’m talking about; those that miss Mass except on Christmas and Easter, those that never live the faith at home, those that just work to get their kids through the different sacraments only to abandon church once the kids “graduate.” Just because you are Catholic and you marry another Catholic does not guarantee anything. Two Catholics can lead each other away from the faith just as easily as a Catholic and a non-Catholic. I know, I’ve seen it and it has grave consequences for the kids.
Well, that was all pretty doom and gloom, so is there any hope?
The thing my husband and I argued about the most in our early years of marriage was religion. It was stressful trying to make our mixed faith backgrounds work. We tried church hopping, which got old really quick. Thankfully, through my husband’s patient ways and his reasoned answers, I began to listen to him. I learned that everything I once believed about Catholicism was wrong and this was humbling for me. As I started listening and attending Mass with him, I started to feel called …
The post Q & A: Does the Church Only Allow Catholics to Marry Other Catholics? appeared first on .
]]>A few weeks ago, I was asked about my thoughts on whether Catholics should marry people who aren’t Catholic. Since I’ve been moving, I haven’t had the chance to really sit down and write my thoughts out. I’ve finally found a few moments between the boxes, painting, and organizing our new home.
First, I wasn’t Catholic when my husband married me. He is a cradle Catholic, but neither one of us were living out our faith when we met. We called ourselves Christians, but I wouldn’t say we were practicing. So, my first reaction is to say that I’m sure glad my hubby took a chance on me, a Protestant. However, I understand that things are a little more nuanced and marriage isn’t just about fluffy feelings and warm fuzzies. Who you marry is very serious business. People in our culture don’t take it serious enough and marry, often times, just because it “feels right.”
Secondly, it doesn’t really matter what I think, it matters what Christ and the Church think. Christ didn’t specifically say in Scripture, “Thee may only marry other Catholics.” So, we must rely on the Magisterium of the Church to give us guidance. Does the Church say that a Catholic and a non-Catholic can’t be married? No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t even say that you aren’t allowed to marry a non-baptized person.
But….
More important than the health of our bodies, is the health of our souls. Our souls are eternal, our bodies are not. Anything that can cause peril for our souls is something to be avoided. Clearly, it’s hard for us humans to avoid every single thing that could harm our souls. The Church warns against anything that could cause us to turn away from the Catholic Faith and its life-giving sacraments. To read what the Church says about this, you can read in the Catechism of the Catholic Church in sections 1633-1637.
For this blog, however, I’d just like to offer up my musings. To be sure, I’m not a church authority figure, so my words should be taken with a grain of salt.
The Disappearing Catholic
The other day I was out in my front lawn spreading some fertilizer. A lawn man across the street took a break from his mowing and we started up a friendly conversation. At one point, he asked me what was written on my t-shirt. I happened to be wearing a t-shirt that advertised the World Meeting of Families 2015 in Philadelphia. My family had attended it and it was amazing. I read it off to him and he said, “Is that some kind of big family organization?”
I kind of chuckled and said, “Well, yes, it’s the Catholic Church. I’m Catholic.”
“Oh, my dad was Catholic, but he married my mom who was Baptist. They did that for a while, but then really nothing.”
His dad was the type of Catholic that just disappears from their faith. They marry a person of a different faith background and since they aren’t in sync, they just disappear from the Catholic Church altogether.
I’ve heard this story numerous times. These people fall away from the sacraments and all the ways to gain sanctifying grace. It’s a soul that’s in danger and the Church most definitely doesn’t want that.
The “It’s Easier This Way” Catholic
I’ve met many people who end up just leaving the Catholic Faith and converting to their spouse’s faith background. They find it’s easier than church hopping or fighting about it all the time. But, if the Catholic Church is the Church Christ founded, we can’t just abandon it. This is something that has to be thought about before marriage. Leaving behind what is true, especially when you know it to be true, is not a good reason.
The Catholic With Confused Kids
My husband worked with this one guy whose mom was Protestant and his dad was Jewish. His parents were since divorced, but because he grew up in a mixed-religion household, he basically is indifferent about religion. “Who’s right?” is his question. Because his parents weren’t on the same page, he grew up confused and, in the end, disinterested. Our children’s souls are entrusted to us as parents and mixed-religion families can cause a lot of confusion for kids. The disconnect can be a catalyst that causes them to abandon their faith altogether. Of course, a child that comes from a solid Catholic home could abandon the faith, too, and many do. However, as parents, we have to do our utmost to make sure we aren’t adding to the problem.
The Lukewarm Catholics
Folks, I’ve taught Confirmation classes for the past two years and, let me tell you, just having two married Catholics is no guarantee they are guiding each other to heaven.
You can have two married Catholics, but they can be lukewarm in their faith. You know who I’m talking about; those that miss Mass except on Christmas and Easter, those that never live the faith at home, those that just work to get their kids through the different sacraments only to abandon church once the kids “graduate.” Just because you are Catholic and you marry another Catholic does not guarantee anything. Two Catholics can lead each other away from the faith just as easily as a Catholic and a non-Catholic. I know, I’ve seen it and it has grave consequences for the kids.
Well, that was all pretty doom and gloom, so is there any hope?
The thing my husband and I argued about the most in our early years of marriage was religion. It was stressful trying to make our mixed faith backgrounds work. We tried church hopping, which got old really quick. Thankfully, through my husband’s patient ways and his reasoned answers, I began to listen to him. I learned that everything I once believed about Catholicism was wrong and this was humbling for me. As I started listening and attending Mass with him, I started to feel called …
The post Q & A: Does the Church Only Allow Catholics to Marry Other Catholics? appeared first on .
]]>
When my husband and I were first dating, we literally spent all our time together. You know how it is in those first new days. It’s intoxicating. When we started dating it was the second semester of our junior year and classes just got in the way. Homework? What homework? All we wanted to do was be in each other’s presence. Basically the only thing that kept us apart was class and then, like magnets, we’d gravitate towards each other once it let out.
At the end of our junior year, I left for field training for the Air Force in Florida and Dustin left to go stay with his parents in El Paso for the summer. I’m pretty sure it took us two hours to say our goodbyes. There were tears and pledges of love. That was the longest summer of my life.
Once I got back from field training, I was at home in Kansas with my parents. Dustin and I would talk at night on Instant Messenger. Man, that seems like eons ago. During those months away from each other, we decided that it only made sense to live together when we came back for our senior year. We reasoned that we spent all our time together anyway, so why not? Back in our junior year, we were sleeping over at each other’s house all the time. (If you’ve read previous posts, you know that Dustin and I were not living out our faith by any stretch of the imagination.) It only made sense to us to move in together. We loved each other and “love is all you need,” right?
Well, when we announced that we were going to live together, our parents were less than thrilled, but we were adults and there wasn’t really anything they could do to stop us. However, there was one person who God sent to pierce my conscience–my baby sister.
I remember I was at home and she came into my room and said, “Amy, I heard that you and Dustin are going to live together.”
“Yes, we are,” I replied back.
“Well, I don’t think you are supposed to do that. You aren’t supposed to live together before you get married,” was my 14-year old sister’s reply.
“Oh, Beth, someday you’ll understand. You’ll fall in love and you’ll want to be with that person all the time. I promise you, that we are just going to live together, nothing else.”
What I meant by the “nothing else” was we weren’t going to sleep with each other. This was a total lie, because Dustin and I had already gone down that path. I’ve often thought about why I lied to my sister that day. I realize now that deep down she was making me very uncomfortable. I knew, I KNEW that she was right in questioning my decision, yet, I felt the need to justify myself to her. I knew that our faith taught that you should wait till marriage, so I tried to make myself sound a little more holy by saying we wouldn’t sleep together. I tried to make it sound like Dustin and I would just be living like friends. I know she didn’t buy it. I lied to her because I wanted to make myself feel better about our decision. In the process, I gave great scandal to her and was a poor example. I firmly believe God sent her to try to steer me back on course, but I did not want to listen–not even a little. As it turns out, that “promise” I made to my sister didn’t last too long because I got pregnant.
You know, I wish I could write this and say that living together before marriage was terrible, but it wasn’t. It was fun and I loved spending my time with Dustin. We basically “played house” and I look back on our days in that tiny basement apartment with a lot of fondness. We were poor as dirt and had very little, but, in my mind, we were together and that’s all that mattered.
So, why am I writing this? I’m 18-years removed from those days and I can look back on them with more clarity and less puppy-dog love. Dustin and I have talked about our living together many times. We laugh about all the funny stories we have from that apartment and about how scared we were to be parents. But, we also talk about whether we still think it was right to live together before marriage. We both agree that we should have waited and here’s why.
Not long after I found out I was pregnant, Dustin asked me to marry him. He didn’t ask me just because I was pregnant, but because we both knew pretty much from the get-go of our relationship that we wanted to marry each other. I found out I was pregnant in October and in November, he proposed. Right before our daughter was born in June, we moved into a nicer apartment. I didn’t want to have a newborn baby living in our dark little hovel underneath some lady’s house. She was born in June of 2001 and on August 18th, we married.
Our wedding was everything I hoped it would be; full of love, family, and friends. There were no doubts, no cold feet. When I walked down the aisle, I knew I was walking toward the only man for me. My love for this man knows no bounds.
Since Dustin still had one more year of school left and we had a newborn baby, we couldn’t go on a honeymoon. We did get one night at the Crown Plaza Hotel in Kansas City. We showed up in our 1985 baby blue Buick Century that was covered in shaving cream and had cans trailing off the back bumper. We laughed so hard when we rolled up next to all the luxury cars parked out front of the swanky hotel. We …
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]]>When my husband and I were first dating, we literally spent all our time together. You know how it is in those first new days. It’s intoxicating. When we started dating it was the second semester of our junior year and classes just got in the way. Homework? What homework? All we wanted to do was be in each other’s presence. Basically the only thing that kept us apart was class and then, like magnets, we’d gravitate towards each other once it let out.
At the end of our junior year, I left for field training for the Air Force in Florida and Dustin left to go stay with his parents in El Paso for the summer. I’m pretty sure it took us two hours to say our goodbyes. There were tears and pledges of love. That was the longest summer of my life.
Once I got back from field training, I was at home in Kansas with my parents. Dustin and I would talk at night on Instant Messenger. Man, that seems like eons ago. During those months away from each other, we decided that it only made sense to live together when we came back for our senior year. We reasoned that we spent all our time together anyway, so why not? Back in our junior year, we were sleeping over at each other’s house all the time. (If you’ve read previous posts, you know that Dustin and I were not living out our faith by any stretch of the imagination.) It only made sense to us to move in together. We loved each other and “love is all you need,” right?
Well, when we announced that we were going to live together, our parents were less than thrilled, but we were adults and there wasn’t really anything they could do to stop us. However, there was one person who God sent to pierce my conscience–my baby sister.
I remember I was at home and she came into my room and said, “Amy, I heard that you and Dustin are going to live together.”
“Yes, we are,” I replied back.
“Well, I don’t think you are supposed to do that. You aren’t supposed to live together before you get married,” was my 14-year old sister’s reply.
“Oh, Beth, someday you’ll understand. You’ll fall in love and you’ll want to be with that person all the time. I promise you, that we are just going to live together, nothing else.”
What I meant by the “nothing else” was we weren’t going to sleep with each other. This was a total lie, because Dustin and I had already gone down that path. I’ve often thought about why I lied to my sister that day. I realize now that deep down she was making me very uncomfortable. I knew, I KNEW that she was right in questioning my decision, yet, I felt the need to justify myself to her. I knew that our faith taught that you should wait till marriage, so I tried to make myself sound a little more holy by saying we wouldn’t sleep together. I tried to make it sound like Dustin and I would just be living like friends. I know she didn’t buy it. I lied to her because I wanted to make myself feel better about our decision. In the process, I gave great scandal to her and was a poor example. I firmly believe God sent her to try to steer me back on course, but I did not want to listen–not even a little. As it turns out, that “promise” I made to my sister didn’t last too long because I got pregnant.
You know, I wish I could write this and say that living together before marriage was terrible, but it wasn’t. It was fun and I loved spending my time with Dustin. We basically “played house” and I look back on our days in that tiny basement apartment with a lot of fondness. We were poor as dirt and had very little, but, in my mind, we were together and that’s all that mattered.
So, why am I writing this? I’m 18-years removed from those days and I can look back on them with more clarity and less puppy-dog love. Dustin and I have talked about our living together many times. We laugh about all the funny stories we have from that apartment and about how scared we were to be parents. But, we also talk about whether we still think it was right to live together before marriage. We both agree that we should have waited and here’s why.
Not long after I found out I was pregnant, Dustin asked me to marry him. He didn’t ask me just because I was pregnant, but because we both knew pretty much from the get-go of our relationship that we wanted to marry each other. I found out I was pregnant in October and in November, he proposed. Right before our daughter was born in June, we moved into a nicer apartment. I didn’t want to have a newborn baby living in our dark little hovel underneath some lady’s house. She was born in June of 2001 and on August 18th, we married.
Our wedding was everything I hoped it would be; full of love, family, and friends. There were no doubts, no cold feet. When I walked down the aisle, I knew I was walking toward the only man for me. My love for this man knows no bounds.
Since Dustin still had one more year of school left and we had a newborn baby, we couldn’t go on a honeymoon. We did get one night at the Crown Plaza Hotel in Kansas City. We showed up in our 1985 baby blue Buick Century that was covered in shaving cream and had cans trailing off the back bumper. We laughed so hard when we rolled up next to all the luxury cars parked out front of the swanky hotel. We …
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1. Are you a cradle Catholic or convert? If a convert, where did you convert from?
I am a cradle Catholic.
2. Who is one of your favorite saints and why?
Saint John Paul II is one of my favorite saints. Chloe and I went to classes that dug into Love and Responsibility at the K-State Catholic Campus Center the first semester we were dating and ultimately picked him as a patron saint of our relationship. Now I am learning more about his life by reading Saint John Paul the Great: His Five Loves by Jason Evert with my men’s group. One of the most inspiring things I have learned about him was his devotion to prayer while working in a chemical plant. He would find a spot in the boiler room every day to kneel down and pray the Liturgy of the Hours and was able to stay focused in prayer even while people would intentionally try to interrupt him by throwing pieces of trash at him.
3. Besides the Eucharist, what is your favorite part of Mass?
I remember the first time I was asked this question in first grade religious education. My response was “The part where the priest talks about himself.” Apparently our parish priest liked to tell a lot of personal stories during the homily. While I still enjoy a good homily, my favorite part of the Mass is the time of prayer and thanksgiving immediately after receiving the Eucharist. This is usually the most fruitful time of prayer for me where I can reflect on God’s love and mercy.
The Cathedral Basilica of St. Louis is probably the most beautiful church I’ve ever been in with one of the largest collections of mosaics in the world covering the ceiling. However, I think what makes a place the most Catholic isn’t the building but the people. Based on that, the Catholic Household of Chi Rho in Manhattan, KS is my favorite Catholic place. Every Monday they have Spiritual Monday where they invite different priests to give a talk and celebrate Mass in their house. Their living room would be packed with people wall to wall for Mass and every time it reminded me of the importance of community to push us toward Christ.
Chloe and I hope to take a trip to Italy within the next four years. I also think it would be neat to visit all of the Basilicas in the US.
I have heard a lot of people say that the Catholic Church is oppressive because of the rules and restrictions it places on people. The reason for the Church having rules is to guide its members and to point out the truth of God’s plan for our lives. Take, for example, a basketball game. If I didn’t know I had to dribble the basketball, or if I chose to ignore that rule, it wouldn’t give me a greater freedom to play the game. Knowing the rules of the game gives the players a greater freedom to play the game how it was intended. Likewise, the teachings of the Church don’t restrict our freedom, they provide guidance to help us live our lives closer to how God intended.
…
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1. Are you a cradle Catholic or convert? If a convert, where did you convert from?
I am a cradle Catholic.
2. Who is one of your favorite saints and why?
Saint John Paul II is one of my favorite saints. Chloe and I went to classes that dug into Love and Responsibility at the K-State Catholic Campus Center the first semester we were dating and ultimately picked him as a patron saint of our relationship. Now I am learning more about his life by reading Saint John Paul the Great: His Five Loves by Jason Evert with my men’s group. One of the most inspiring things I have learned about him was his devotion to prayer while working in a chemical plant. He would find a spot in the boiler room every day to kneel down and pray the Liturgy of the Hours and was able to stay focused in prayer even while people would intentionally try to interrupt him by throwing pieces of trash at him.
3. Besides the Eucharist, what is your favorite part of Mass?
I remember the first time I was asked this question in first grade religious education. My response was “The part where the priest talks about himself.” Apparently our parish priest liked to tell a lot of personal stories during the homily. While I still enjoy a good homily, my favorite part of the Mass is the time of prayer and thanksgiving immediately after receiving the Eucharist. This is usually the most fruitful time of prayer for me where I can reflect on God’s love and mercy.
The Cathedral Basilica of St. Louis is probably the most beautiful church I’ve ever been in with one of the largest collections of mosaics in the world covering the ceiling. However, I think what makes a place the most Catholic isn’t the building but the people. Based on that, the Catholic Household of Chi Rho in Manhattan, KS is my favorite Catholic place. Every Monday they have Spiritual Monday where they invite different priests to give a talk and celebrate Mass in their house. Their living room would be packed with people wall to wall for Mass and every time it reminded me of the importance of community to push us toward Christ.
Chloe and I hope to take a trip to Italy within the next four years. I also think it would be neat to visit all of the Basilicas in the US.
I have heard a lot of people say that the Catholic Church is oppressive because of the rules and restrictions it places on people. The reason for the Church having rules is to guide its members and to point out the truth of God’s plan for our lives. Take, for example, a basketball game. If I didn’t know I had to dribble the basketball, or if I chose to ignore that rule, it wouldn’t give me a greater freedom to play the game. Knowing the rules of the game gives the players a greater freedom to play the game how it was intended. Likewise, the teachings of the Church don’t restrict our freedom, they provide guidance to help us live our lives closer to how God intended.
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My husband and I started dating the 2nd semester of our junior year of college. We were first friends and I’d been to his house before, but I’d never seen his bedroom. He lived in a house with one other guy and it was a typical college bachelor pad. The first time I went into his bedroom, though, my reaction was this–
I looked around his tiny room and it was clear that a homemaker he was not. His socks were stiff and were walking around. I’m fairly certain they could talk. There were bowls of something mysterious sitting on his desk that looked like he was conducting a science experiment on bacteria. I’m a neat freak so my fingers started to tingle with the desire to clean up. I had daydreams of myself cleaning it up spic-and-span and then shouting, “I have exorcised the demons! This room is clear!”
I knew going into our relationship that my husband was not a man that was going to pick out curtains, fluff pillows, spruce up the couch (I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know what it means to spruce), or concern himself with organizing much of anything within the home. But, I wasn’t looking to marry an interior decorator/maid. I’m sure my cleanliness can drive him crazy at times, because I operate under the rule of “a place for everything and everything in its place.”
When we were first together, we also had epic debates on…Mayo vs. Miracle Whip, butter vs. margarine, and other such things. We’d each grown up using different foods with our families and when we came together as husband and wife, one of us had to relinquish. This was serious stuff, mind you. We each defended our favorite condiment with a spirit of true passion. In the end, I gave into him, and to this day we eat Mayo and butter. For real, though, it was hard to give up the tangy goodness of Miracle Whip, but in the name of marital love, I did it for him.
Dustin has also had to learn to quell many dramatic episodes in our married life. I’m dramatic, I’ll admit it, and sometimes I get worked up and phone calls to his work have to be made. Often times, these phone calls are made in a state of tears and panic, but, dang it, stuff happens! Sometimes there is an evil spider positioning itself on the ceiling in just a way so as to drop on your head, thereby proceeding to suck all your blood and leave you for dead. Sometimes, your stupid eye doctor hints that you might have an aneurism and then casually says, “But, we’ll just wait and see how things go.” WHAT?! All that being said, I do realize that Dustin has to deal with my throws of excitement and he handles it so well. If he rolls his eyes at me, he does it behind my back. Except he does roll his eyes over the spider thing, but I’m not backing down from that. It’s real, true, and totally rational.
Then there is my husband’s phone screen, which nearly sends me into convulsions. Does he not see them? How does he function in a world where there are red numbers on his screen?! I have to look away.
To be fair, Dustin has to deal with my hyper-critical passenger seat driving comments. I get great anxiety when he drives over 70, so most of the time, I’m “encouraging” him to slow down.
“Amy, I can’t drive 20mph under the speed limit. It’s not safe.”
“Just drive a little under. That will make me feel better.”
“I am driving under. We’re practically at a stand still.”
“I see no problem with that.”
Poor Dustin probably feels like he’s driving Miss Daisy around.
If you are looking to marry someone who is perfect, you will die looking. Every human being has things about them that are weird, annoying, irksome, or downright frustrating. Men spend exorbitant amounts of time going to the bathroom. The reason why is a mystery to the female race. Men have to weather the storm a couple of days a month when women turn into this–
It’s popular in our culture today to say that marriage is just a contract between two adults. It’s not just a contract, though, it’s a vow, a covenant, a promise. A contract is a deal you make between two people who agree to do something for each other. Let’s say you hire a person to build a deck for you. You sign a contract. They agree to build you a deck, you agree to pay them if they do what they say. It works in the business world.
Marriage isn’t a business, though, and who really ever enters it wanting it to be handled that way? Talk about killing the romance from the get-go! No, marriage is a covenant that we enter into where we promise to love this person as unconditionally as possible. The sacramental grace of marriage helps us do this. A contract would say, “Well, we’ll stay together as long as you do this for me and don’t annoy me too much. To add to that, you need to just put up with everything I dish out.” A lot of marriages do operate this way and it’s a huge reason why we have broken families littering the landscape. A vow is binding. A contract is contingent. Love is not real love if it’s contingent. It says more about us than others if we dole out our love only if the other person pleases us all the time.
There are certain aspects of our spouse’s behavior that we should encourage them to change if it is sinful. We are, after all, caretakers of their soul and if we really want them to be with us in heaven, we need to guide them to betterment. It’s important to remember, though, that serious character flaws are not the same …
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]]>My husband and I started dating the 2nd semester of our junior year of college. We were first friends and I’d been to his house before, but I’d never seen his bedroom. He lived in a house with one other guy and it was a typical college bachelor pad. The first time I went into his bedroom, though, my reaction was this–
I looked around his tiny room and it was clear that a homemaker he was not. His socks were stiff and were walking around. I’m fairly certain they could talk. There were bowls of something mysterious sitting on his desk that looked like he was conducting a science experiment on bacteria. I’m a neat freak so my fingers started to tingle with the desire to clean up. I had daydreams of myself cleaning it up spic-and-span and then shouting, “I have exorcised the demons! This room is clear!”
I knew going into our relationship that my husband was not a man that was going to pick out curtains, fluff pillows, spruce up the couch (I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know what it means to spruce), or concern himself with organizing much of anything within the home. But, I wasn’t looking to marry an interior decorator/maid. I’m sure my cleanliness can drive him crazy at times, because I operate under the rule of “a place for everything and everything in its place.”
When we were first together, we also had epic debates on…Mayo vs. Miracle Whip, butter vs. margarine, and other such things. We’d each grown up using different foods with our families and when we came together as husband and wife, one of us had to relinquish. This was serious stuff, mind you. We each defended our favorite condiment with a spirit of true passion. In the end, I gave into him, and to this day we eat Mayo and butter. For real, though, it was hard to give up the tangy goodness of Miracle Whip, but in the name of marital love, I did it for him.
Dustin has also had to learn to quell many dramatic episodes in our married life. I’m dramatic, I’ll admit it, and sometimes I get worked up and phone calls to his work have to be made. Often times, these phone calls are made in a state of tears and panic, but, dang it, stuff happens! Sometimes there is an evil spider positioning itself on the ceiling in just a way so as to drop on your head, thereby proceeding to suck all your blood and leave you for dead. Sometimes, your stupid eye doctor hints that you might have an aneurism and then casually says, “But, we’ll just wait and see how things go.” WHAT?! All that being said, I do realize that Dustin has to deal with my throws of excitement and he handles it so well. If he rolls his eyes at me, he does it behind my back. Except he does roll his eyes over the spider thing, but I’m not backing down from that. It’s real, true, and totally rational.
Then there is my husband’s phone screen, which nearly sends me into convulsions. Does he not see them? How does he function in a world where there are red numbers on his screen?! I have to look away.
To be fair, Dustin has to deal with my hyper-critical passenger seat driving comments. I get great anxiety when he drives over 70, so most of the time, I’m “encouraging” him to slow down.
“Amy, I can’t drive 20mph under the speed limit. It’s not safe.”
“Just drive a little under. That will make me feel better.”
“I am driving under. We’re practically at a stand still.”
“I see no problem with that.”
Poor Dustin probably feels like he’s driving Miss Daisy around.
If you are looking to marry someone who is perfect, you will die looking. Every human being has things about them that are weird, annoying, irksome, or downright frustrating. Men spend exorbitant amounts of time going to the bathroom. The reason why is a mystery to the female race. Men have to weather the storm a couple of days a month when women turn into this–
It’s popular in our culture today to say that marriage is just a contract between two adults. It’s not just a contract, though, it’s a vow, a covenant, a promise. A contract is a deal you make between two people who agree to do something for each other. Let’s say you hire a person to build a deck for you. You sign a contract. They agree to build you a deck, you agree to pay them if they do what they say. It works in the business world.
Marriage isn’t a business, though, and who really ever enters it wanting it to be handled that way? Talk about killing the romance from the get-go! No, marriage is a covenant that we enter into where we promise to love this person as unconditionally as possible. The sacramental grace of marriage helps us do this. A contract would say, “Well, we’ll stay together as long as you do this for me and don’t annoy me too much. To add to that, you need to just put up with everything I dish out.” A lot of marriages do operate this way and it’s a huge reason why we have broken families littering the landscape. A vow is binding. A contract is contingent. Love is not real love if it’s contingent. It says more about us than others if we dole out our love only if the other person pleases us all the time.
There are certain aspects of our spouse’s behavior that we should encourage them to change if it is sinful. We are, after all, caretakers of their soul and if we really want them to be with us in heaven, we need to guide them to betterment. It’s important to remember, though, that serious character flaws are not the same …
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When I was a teenager, I watched Braveheart for the first time. In the beginning, William Wallace (played by Mel Gibson) falls in love with a beautiful peasant girl, Murron. Early on, the two lovers are sitting on a hill and the way that William talks to her and looks at her sure makes a girl swoon. I’m not going to go into everything about the story, but William has to marry Murron in secret so as not to have to share her with an English noble on their wedding night. William is Scottish and, as you see in the story, the English nobles take newlywed Scottish brides away to rape them and then give them back once they are finished.
My favorite part is when they are reciting their vows. William tells Murron, “I will love you my whole life, you and no other.” As soon as I heard him say that to her, I literally was never the same. I knew in that instant that I wanted that type of love in my marriage. The way he looked at her, the love in those vows, the beautiful consummation of their marriage by the lake was enough to turn me into a hopeless romantic. I loved his words so much that my husband and I wrote them into our vows.
Sadly, Murron dies tragically; killed by an English soldier. It’s so heartbreaking to see her look for him to save her, but he shows up too late. Her death fills William with such rage that it provides the fuel for him to start fighting the English. I loved that he fought for her. I could understand his righteous anger and I couldn’t blame him for wanting to take them all on. He fought for her memory and honor. It was beautiful. Then enters the pretty princess…
The pretty princess is French, but she’s forced to marry the English prince. She doesn’t really love the prince and when she meets William, they end up having a love affair. Once this happened, the movie was dead to me. Dead. Well, not totally, because it’s a fantastic movie, but I was furious with William.
“This movie is terrible! I hate it!” I remember screaming out while watching it with my dad.
Chuckling, my dad said, “Why do you say that?”
“Because! He just betrayed the love he pledged to his wife! (Said sarcastically) ‘Oh, I love you all the days of my life. Oh, I’ll love you and no other.’ Blah, Blah, Blah! Lies! Once the first pretty girl steps into his life his wife is forgotten and all he can think about is his groin! I hate this movie!”
“Amy, his wife died. What do you expect him to do? Live alone forever?”
“Yes! It would show his true love! How can he say he loves his wife and no other, but then be so quick to jump into bed with some other woman and love her, too?!”
This movie has always stirred a lot of emotions in me. In my head, I know that if a spouse dies, the other is free to marry again, but my heart just can’t go there. My head tells me that if something were to happen to me, that my husband should be free to find happiness in another woman, but I get a huge lump in my throat thinking of that.
I fear that I would be replaced and I can’t…I just can’t even think about it and find a way to be okay with it. I know, I know, I know, that in heaven I wouldn’t worry about it and I would be happy for Dustin to be happy. I know that it would be selfish of me to tell him to never marry again, but the thought just takes the breathe out of me. I’m not even joking.
The thought that another woman would take my place in our bed, fill his thoughts, hug and kiss him when he comes home is more than my heart can take. I know that some people have no problem with the thought of marriage after death. I know that this doesn’t mean they love their spouse less or anything like that. I’m not saying my love is more true or passionate. I know in my head that they aren’t really replacing their former spouse; they are just finding love with someone else. I’m not going to judge another’s motives or love, this is just how I feel.
Recently, on a camping trip, my husband, my cousin-in-law, and I were having this conversation. My cousin told this story about this lady who was dying of cancer and she wrote a letter to her husband’s future wife. She told her to take care of her husband and kids. She told her that she was okay with it and that she wanted them to be happy. As my cousin was relaying this story, she was filled with emotions and tears. She said, “Isn’t that just beautiful? That she’s able to give her blessing like that?”
My heart was unmoved. In my head I thought, “That’s nice and that lady must be a better woman than me.” In my imagination, I saw myself instead coming back to haunt my husband and the new woman. I was rattling chains and wailing like a banshee.
I’m kidding, of course, but only a little. No. No. Really, I’m kidding. But….I did make a good ghost in my thoughts. Lol.
It’s a hard thing to describe. I know it sounds completely selfish and jealous, but I guess it’s hard for me to think that there is another out there that Dustin could make a life with other than me. I know for me, if God forbid, anything happened to Dustin it wouldn’t be fair to any other man to marry him. Dustin took up residence in my heart when I met him and there he will remain forever. There may …
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]]>
When I was a teenager, I watched Braveheart for the first time. In the beginning, William Wallace (played by Mel Gibson) falls in love with a beautiful peasant girl, Murron. Early on, the two lovers are sitting on a hill and the way that William talks to her and looks at her sure makes a girl swoon. I’m not going to go into everything about the story, but William has to marry Murron in secret so as not to have to share her with an English noble on their wedding night. William is Scottish and, as you see in the story, the English nobles take newlywed Scottish brides away to rape them and then give them back once they are finished.
My favorite part is when they are reciting their vows. William tells Murron, “I will love you my whole life, you and no other.” As soon as I heard him say that to her, I literally was never the same. I knew in that instant that I wanted that type of love in my marriage. The way he looked at her, the love in those vows, the beautiful consummation of their marriage by the lake was enough to turn me into a hopeless romantic. I loved his words so much that my husband and I wrote them into our vows.
Sadly, Murron dies tragically; killed by an English soldier. It’s so heartbreaking to see her look for him to save her, but he shows up too late. Her death fills William with such rage that it provides the fuel for him to start fighting the English. I loved that he fought for her. I could understand his righteous anger and I couldn’t blame him for wanting to take them all on. He fought for her memory and honor. It was beautiful. Then enters the pretty princess…
The pretty princess is French, but she’s forced to marry the English prince. She doesn’t really love the prince and when she meets William, they end up having a love affair. Once this happened, the movie was dead to me. Dead. Well, not totally, because it’s a fantastic movie, but I was furious with William.
“This movie is terrible! I hate it!” I remember screaming out while watching it with my dad.
Chuckling, my dad said, “Why do you say that?”
“Because! He just betrayed the love he pledged to his wife! (Said sarcastically) ‘Oh, I love you all the days of my life. Oh, I’ll love you and no other.’ Blah, Blah, Blah! Lies! Once the first pretty girl steps into his life his wife is forgotten and all he can think about is his groin! I hate this movie!”
“Amy, his wife died. What do you expect him to do? Live alone forever?”
“Yes! It would show his true love! How can he say he loves his wife and no other, but then be so quick to jump into bed with some other woman and love her, too?!”
This movie has always stirred a lot of emotions in me. In my head, I know that if a spouse dies, the other is free to marry again, but my heart just can’t go there. My head tells me that if something were to happen to me, that my husband should be free to find happiness in another woman, but I get a huge lump in my throat thinking of that.
I fear that I would be replaced and I can’t…I just can’t even think about it and find a way to be okay with it. I know, I know, I know, that in heaven I wouldn’t worry about it and I would be happy for Dustin to be happy. I know that it would be selfish of me to tell him to never marry again, but the thought just takes the breathe out of me. I’m not even joking.
The thought that another woman would take my place in our bed, fill his thoughts, hug and kiss him when he comes home is more than my heart can take. I know that some people have no problem with the thought of marriage after death. I know that this doesn’t mean they love their spouse less or anything like that. I’m not saying my love is more true or passionate. I know in my head that they aren’t really replacing their former spouse; they are just finding love with someone else. I’m not going to judge another’s motives or love, this is just how I feel.
Recently, on a camping trip, my husband, my cousin-in-law, and I were having this conversation. My cousin told this story about this lady who was dying of cancer and she wrote a letter to her husband’s future wife. She told her to take care of her husband and kids. She told her that she was okay with it and that she wanted them to be happy. As my cousin was relaying this story, she was filled with emotions and tears. She said, “Isn’t that just beautiful? That she’s able to give her blessing like that?”
My heart was unmoved. In my head I thought, “That’s nice and that lady must be a better woman than me.” In my imagination, I saw myself instead coming back to haunt my husband and the new woman. I was rattling chains and wailing like a banshee.
I’m kidding, of course, but only a little. No. No. Really, I’m kidding. But….I did make a good ghost in my thoughts. Lol.
It’s a hard thing to describe. I know it sounds completely selfish and jealous, but I guess it’s hard for me to think that there is another out there that Dustin could make a life with other than me. I know for me, if God forbid, anything happened to Dustin it wouldn’t be fair to any other man to marry him. Dustin took up residence in my heart when I met him and there he will remain forever. There may …
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My husband and I celebrate our 16th anniversary this week and every year I’m amazed at how I grow in love for him. I would humbly say that Dustin and I have a wonderful marriage. It’s not perfect and we’ve had our share of trials, but we are still best friends, still committed to each other, and still growing in love. Our relationship was first built on friendship, which helped us lay a solid foundation.
People often will comment to me that we have an easy marriage and that they wish that they could have a marriage like ours. There’s a misconception that good marriages just fall in your lap; that only the “lucky” ones find marital bliss. I do feel very lucky to have found Dustin. We go together like peanut butter and jam, like two peas in a pod, like….soulmates. We really do. I know that this isn’t a reality for everyone and I’m truly not wanting to throw that up in people’s faces. Sometimes, people marry someone who they find out isn’t quite the soulmate they thought they were and they want to jump ship. We can’t look at marriage, though, through Disney lenses. We can’t expect a fairy tale or else.
Behind every good marriage are two people putting in a lot of effort.
In a good marriage, both spouses get up every day and rededicate themselves to each other. It’s not as if they utter, “Today, my darling, I rededicate myself to you!” It’s more a conscience decision to make their marriage a top priority. That means that selfishness, bitterness, resentment, and anger have to be constantly checked. For me, it’s not as if I don’t have selfish tendencies and it’s not as if I don’t succumb to those tendencies at times, but my goal is to work on it every day. What is easy is to give in to ourselves and our selfish desires. It’s easy to hold grudges and withhold forgiveness. It’s easy to get lost in the distractions of daily life: bills, work, raising kids, and errands. It’s easy to go a whole day where hugs, kisses, and positive interactions are in short supply. It’s easy to zone out on our cell phones, T.V.s, and computers.
If we are all being honest, good marriages seem to be rare, which means that they aren’t easy. This doesn’t mean that they are impossible, it just means that it does require effort and we shouldn’t trick ourselves into thinking that a good marriage just kind of happens. Anything that is good, true, and beautiful requires effort. A beautiful cathedral requires effort, but the majestic and splendor of it is worth all the hours of labor. A quality education requires sacrifice, sleepless nights, and massive amounts of study, but the reward of receiving an education is worth it. Raising children to be good human beings characterized by compassion, integrity, and courage requires countless hours of parenting, but it’s worth it. It’s unreasonable to think that a good marriage should require little to no effort.
My brother and his wife, Kim, have a beautiful marriage. They respect each other, encourage each other, support each other and give constantly to each other. They make time for each other. Their loves looks very easy and neither one of them is a hard person to love, but I know that they each work to love each other the best that they can.
In high school, I witnessed several marriages by spending time at friends’ and boyfriends’ houses. Some marriages were downright awful, some seemed so-so, but there was one friend whose parents caught my eye. My friend Rebecca’s parents were so loving towards each other. Her dad was always telling his wife how beautiful she was and at dinner he always told her thank you for preparing the meal. I was always so impressed with his willingness to show her his appreciation for all that she did around the house. At dinner, they held hands while we all said grace and it was so refreshing to see them love each other. I learned from them that I wanted to display affection and appreciation in my marriage for my spouse’s sake, but, also, so that my kids could see their parents love each other well.
Over the past several years, I have watched both my grandmothers give of themselves to my grandfathers with the sacrificial love that we are all called to in the married state. They both took care of my very sick grandfathers. Day in and day out, they lived out the “for worse” part of the vows. Watching their sweethearts succumb to detrimental illnesses had to be extraordinarily hard, but they cared for them until the very end–heartbreaking to watch, but so beautiful, too. There is something about a well-worn love that outshines even the brightest of new loves.
Compatibility
I tell my girls often, “When you choose to marry, your heart shouldn’t be the only thing involved in the decision. Use your mind, too, to think through if this is a good person for you to marry.” So often, we get blinded by looks that we ignore the fact that we may have nothing in common with the person we wish to marry. Numerous marriages are dying a slow death-sometimes a fast one-because the two people are not very compatible.
When my husband and I were going through Engaged Encounter (a pre-marriage course through the Catholic Church) we were shocked by the number of couples that had never discussed important issues. During the weekend course, you and your fiancé are given important marital issues to talk about and discuss, for example, finances, ways to handle conflict, and raising a family. Often times, people discover in this course that their fiancé doesn’t even want to have kids! How can this be the first time this has come up in the relationship? Through this course, some people discover that they may not be ready for marriage or that the …
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]]>My husband and I celebrate our 16th anniversary this week and every year I’m amazed at how I grow in love for him. I would humbly say that Dustin and I have a wonderful marriage. It’s not perfect and we’ve had our share of trials, but we are still best friends, still committed to each other, and still growing in love. Our relationship was first built on friendship, which helped us lay a solid foundation.
People often will comment to me that we have an easy marriage and that they wish that they could have a marriage like ours. There’s a misconception that good marriages just fall in your lap; that only the “lucky” ones find marital bliss. I do feel very lucky to have found Dustin. We go together like peanut butter and jam, like two peas in a pod, like….soulmates. We really do. I know that this isn’t a reality for everyone and I’m truly not wanting to throw that up in people’s faces. Sometimes, people marry someone who they find out isn’t quite the soulmate they thought they were and they want to jump ship. We can’t look at marriage, though, through Disney lenses. We can’t expect a fairy tale or else.
Behind every good marriage are two people putting in a lot of effort.
In a good marriage, both spouses get up every day and rededicate themselves to each other. It’s not as if they utter, “Today, my darling, I rededicate myself to you!” It’s more a conscience decision to make their marriage a top priority. That means that selfishness, bitterness, resentment, and anger have to be constantly checked. For me, it’s not as if I don’t have selfish tendencies and it’s not as if I don’t succumb to those tendencies at times, but my goal is to work on it every day. What is easy is to give in to ourselves and our selfish desires. It’s easy to hold grudges and withhold forgiveness. It’s easy to get lost in the distractions of daily life: bills, work, raising kids, and errands. It’s easy to go a whole day where hugs, kisses, and positive interactions are in short supply. It’s easy to zone out on our cell phones, T.V.s, and computers.
If we are all being honest, good marriages seem to be rare, which means that they aren’t easy. This doesn’t mean that they are impossible, it just means that it does require effort and we shouldn’t trick ourselves into thinking that a good marriage just kind of happens. Anything that is good, true, and beautiful requires effort. A beautiful cathedral requires effort, but the majestic and splendor of it is worth all the hours of labor. A quality education requires sacrifice, sleepless nights, and massive amounts of study, but the reward of receiving an education is worth it. Raising children to be good human beings characterized by compassion, integrity, and courage requires countless hours of parenting, but it’s worth it. It’s unreasonable to think that a good marriage should require little to no effort.
My brother and his wife, Kim, have a beautiful marriage. They respect each other, encourage each other, support each other and give constantly to each other. They make time for each other. Their loves looks very easy and neither one of them is a hard person to love, but I know that they each work to love each other the best that they can.
In high school, I witnessed several marriages by spending time at friends’ and boyfriends’ houses. Some marriages were downright awful, some seemed so-so, but there was one friend whose parents caught my eye. My friend Rebecca’s parents were so loving towards each other. Her dad was always telling his wife how beautiful she was and at dinner he always told her thank you for preparing the meal. I was always so impressed with his willingness to show her his appreciation for all that she did around the house. At dinner, they held hands while we all said grace and it was so refreshing to see them love each other. I learned from them that I wanted to display affection and appreciation in my marriage for my spouse’s sake, but, also, so that my kids could see their parents love each other well.
Over the past several years, I have watched both my grandmothers give of themselves to my grandfathers with the sacrificial love that we are all called to in the married state. They both took care of my very sick grandfathers. Day in and day out, they lived out the “for worse” part of the vows. Watching their sweethearts succumb to detrimental illnesses had to be extraordinarily hard, but they cared for them until the very end–heartbreaking to watch, but so beautiful, too. There is something about a well-worn love that outshines even the brightest of new loves.
Compatibility
I tell my girls often, “When you choose to marry, your heart shouldn’t be the only thing involved in the decision. Use your mind, too, to think through if this is a good person for you to marry.” So often, we get blinded by looks that we ignore the fact that we may have nothing in common with the person we wish to marry. Numerous marriages are dying a slow death-sometimes a fast one-because the two people are not very compatible.
When my husband and I were going through Engaged Encounter (a pre-marriage course through the Catholic Church) we were shocked by the number of couples that had never discussed important issues. During the weekend course, you and your fiancé are given important marital issues to talk about and discuss, for example, finances, ways to handle conflict, and raising a family. Often times, people discover in this course that their fiancé doesn’t even want to have kids! How can this be the first time this has come up in the relationship? Through this course, some people discover that they may not be ready for marriage or that the …
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I wrote last week about how I learned to love and forgive a family member that was completely different than me. Here’s that blog if you’d like to read it. From that blog, a question was posed to me. I’d like to take this blog to answer it.
Question: How do you navigate a relationship with someone who is so vastly different in every single belief, behavior, action etc?
I think the answer lies in degrees. Different relationships will require different navigation. I don’t have experience in all these situation, but for the ones I do, I’ll try to give some examples.
Acquaintances
When I first moved to Vegas, I needed to find a hairdresser. I read reviews online for a great place and called and made my appointment. When I got to the salon, I saw my hairdresser for the first time and, inside, I was like, “Hmmmm…this could be interesting.” She’s very Vegas and I’m very….uh…Kansas and we’ll just leave it at that. I quickly discovered, though, that she’s awesome. I love chatting with her. Unless she’s blow drying my hair, we laugh and talk like good buddies. I know from small remarks she’s made that our belief sets are completely different. I think she understands this, too, and so we never venture into religion, politics, or anything controversial. I’m so glad that she’s my hairdresser and I always look forward to seeing her. Our relationship is very limited, given the nature of it, and that makes it easy to just skim over the more hot-button topics. So often in life, we get so caught up in “our side” that we miss just the human experience of getting to know people that have different stories, different up-bringings, and different thoughts. With co-workers, acquaintances, and friends that aren’t extremely close, navigating those relationships isn’t or shouldn’t be too hard. Just enjoy the person. Learn to listen without having a debate about everything and get to know them.
Close Friends
When you are trying to navigate the area of friendship, things get a little more complicated. If you ever want to truly be close with someone you are going to have to go a little deeper than coffee break room chit-chat. The best thing to remember about friends is that you want to surround yourself with people of virtue and those that truly want to help you grow into a great person. Friends that encourage you to do things that aren’t becoming of you or that try to steer you down paths that you know are against your core beliefs are ones to walk away from. Our friends influence our thoughts and behaviors quite a bit, so if they stand for things we know are seriously wrong, stepping away from them is usually best.
I had a friend in college that engaged in some very questionable behavior. She was a blast to be around and she was always the life of the party, but I completely disagreed with certain things that she thought were okay. After awhile, she started encouraging me to engage in her same lifestyle choices and, sadly, I had to walk away. I still missed her for the good things about her, but her negative influence was weighing on me.
Parents and other family members
I can’t say it any better than this. Rocker Andrew W. K. gives some great advice that works for anyone.
Boyfriends/Girlfriends
When I was a senior in high school, I fell for one of the school bad boys. Deep down he wasn’t really a bad person, but he played the part very well: He smoked, drank, had tattoos, dropped out of school, and lived for working on cars, fishing, and hanging with his buddies. I was drawn in by his looks and his looks held me for awhile. Slowly, though, our differences began to seep out, but I ignored them because 1. I thought I could change him and 2. I was young.
We got engaged, but I never felt gleeful about it. In fact, it sort of weighed on my heart like a heavy brick. I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel this way about being engaged and, if I did, that was a bad sign. I pressed on, though, determined to see us through. What bothered me most was that we were just so different on all fronts. Our beliefs were opposites, our lifestyles were opposites, and there was so little that we saw eye-to-eye on. We fought a lot and I was super frustrated with him most of the time. It came to a point where my initial attraction to his looks could not prop up our relationship anymore.
One time, after we’d had a dramatic temporary break-up, I was sitting on my parent’s front porch crying. My dad came up and asked me what was going on and I told him. He said, “Amy, if this is who you want to be with, I respect that, but what does he offer to your life? Why do you enjoy being with him?”
“I love him,” was my answer.
To which my dad said, “Okay, but think about being married to him. You are two very different people. What does he offer to you that makes you stay?”
“Well, we teach each other things.”
“Uh huh, like what? What does he teach you?”
“Well, he teaches me about deer and hunting and stuff.” Even as I type this now, I can’t believe I ever uttered that. Deer and stuff? Deer and stuff was supposed to sustain a marriage? My dad didn’t even really say anything because I think he knew he didn’t need to–my answer was embarassingly weak. It wasn’t long after that, that I realized that it was time to walk away from that relationship. He wasn’t a bad person, we just were unequally yoked in nearly every department. I felt so obligated to stay with him because we’d been together for a long time and we …
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I wrote last week about how I learned to love and forgive a family member that was completely different than me. Here’s that blog if you’d like to read it. From that blog, a question was posed to me. I’d like to take this blog to answer it.
Question: How do you navigate a relationship with someone who is so vastly different in every single belief, behavior, action etc?
I think the answer lies in degrees. Different relationships will require different navigation. I don’t have experience in all these situation, but for the ones I do, I’ll try to give some examples.
Acquaintances
When I first moved to Vegas, I needed to find a hairdresser. I read reviews online for a great place and called and made my appointment. When I got to the salon, I saw my hairdresser for the first time and, inside, I was like, “Hmmmm…this could be interesting.” She’s very Vegas and I’m very….uh…Kansas and we’ll just leave it at that. I quickly discovered, though, that she’s awesome. I love chatting with her. Unless she’s blow drying my hair, we laugh and talk like good buddies. I know from small remarks she’s made that our belief sets are completely different. I think she understands this, too, and so we never venture into religion, politics, or anything controversial. I’m so glad that she’s my hairdresser and I always look forward to seeing her. Our relationship is very limited, given the nature of it, and that makes it easy to just skim over the more hot-button topics. So often in life, we get so caught up in “our side” that we miss just the human experience of getting to know people that have different stories, different up-bringings, and different thoughts. With co-workers, acquaintances, and friends that aren’t extremely close, navigating those relationships isn’t or shouldn’t be too hard. Just enjoy the person. Learn to listen without having a debate about everything and get to know them.
Close Friends
When you are trying to navigate the area of friendship, things get a little more complicated. If you ever want to truly be close with someone you are going to have to go a little deeper than coffee break room chit-chat. The best thing to remember about friends is that you want to surround yourself with people of virtue and those that truly want to help you grow into a great person. Friends that encourage you to do things that aren’t becoming of you or that try to steer you down paths that you know are against your core beliefs are ones to walk away from. Our friends influence our thoughts and behaviors quite a bit, so if they stand for things we know are seriously wrong, stepping away from them is usually best.
I had a friend in college that engaged in some very questionable behavior. She was a blast to be around and she was always the life of the party, but I completely disagreed with certain things that she thought were okay. After awhile, she started encouraging me to engage in her same lifestyle choices and, sadly, I had to walk away. I still missed her for the good things about her, but her negative influence was weighing on me.
Parents and other family members
I can’t say it any better than this. Rocker Andrew W. K. gives some great advice that works for anyone.
Boyfriends/Girlfriends
When I was a senior in high school, I fell for one of the school bad boys. Deep down he wasn’t really a bad person, but he played the part very well: He smoked, drank, had tattoos, dropped out of school, and lived for working on cars, fishing, and hanging with his buddies. I was drawn in by his looks and his looks held me for awhile. Slowly, though, our differences began to seep out, but I ignored them because 1. I thought I could change him and 2. I was young.
We got engaged, but I never felt gleeful about it. In fact, it sort of weighed on my heart like a heavy brick. I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel this way about being engaged and, if I did, that was a bad sign. I pressed on, though, determined to see us through. What bothered me most was that we were just so different on all fronts. Our beliefs were opposites, our lifestyles were opposites, and there was so little that we saw eye-to-eye on. We fought a lot and I was super frustrated with him most of the time. It came to a point where my initial attraction to his looks could not prop up our relationship anymore.
One time, after we’d had a dramatic temporary break-up, I was sitting on my parent’s front porch crying. My dad came up and asked me what was going on and I told him. He said, “Amy, if this is who you want to be with, I respect that, but what does he offer to your life? Why do you enjoy being with him?”
“I love him,” was my answer.
To which my dad said, “Okay, but think about being married to him. You are two very different people. What does he offer to you that makes you stay?”
“Well, we teach each other things.”
“Uh huh, like what? What does he teach you?”
“Well, he teaches me about deer and hunting and stuff.” Even as I type this now, I can’t believe I ever uttered that. Deer and stuff? Deer and stuff was supposed to sustain a marriage? My dad didn’t even really say anything because I think he knew he didn’t need to–my answer was embarassingly weak. It wasn’t long after that, that I realized that it was time to walk away from that relationship. He wasn’t a bad person, we just were unequally yoked in nearly every department. I felt so obligated to stay with him because we’d been together for a long time and we …
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I grew up in the 80’s, back in the days when MTV was good and big hair ruled supreme. I’m the first born and quite a bit older than my siblings, so there was a good deal of time in my early days where it was just me.
My parents didn’t have much money when I was very young. They had me when they were in their early twenties, but I never really wanted for anything. When I was around three-years old my parents moved to Manhattan, Kansas so that my dad could attend Kansas State University. I saw my parents sacrifice a lot so that they could improve our lives. My mom worked while my dad went to school. We didn’t have fancy things, for sure. Dominos pizza about once a month was a highlight for us. I had few toys and most of the time I didn’t have a bedroom, because my uncle lived with us to help with rent. What I lacked in material things, my parents made up in their time and attention.
Though my mom worked, she was always there for me. She’d come home and always make a simple, healthy meal. I realize now how much love she was showing our family by expending even more energy to give us a home-cooked meal. In our backyard, we had a clothes line and my mom would take a sheet, throw it over the lines, and make me a “playhouse.” I loved playing under it with my CareBears out in the beautiful sunshine. Sometimes on the weekends, she’d make me cookies and surprise me by bringing them out to me in my playhouse. She’d sit in the shade under the sheet and share a snack with me. She, also, always made time to take me to the library and help me pick out books. To this day, I relish reading a good book and I know it was because she laid that foundation. Sometimes in my mind, my mom is still that beautiful, young woman hanging laundry in the sun at our simple house in Manhattan.
Because my mom worked, I was with my dad a lot when he wasn’t in class. No money meant that we spent a lot of time at parks or the free zoo behind my house. Every time my dad took me to the park, I was his focus. We’d make up silly songs together that we still remember to this day. He’d push me on the swings, chase me around, and watched me as I explored the park. Since my parents only had one car, my dad and I would pick up my mom everyday after work. A lot of times, we’d get there a little early and sit and wait for her. Normally, that would be terribly boring, but not with my dad. He’d make up games for us to play on the fly and we’d sing funny songs together. Sometimes I would sit on the window sill of the car and tap out songs on the roof for him to guess. Isn’t it funny how just sitting in the parking lot with my dad holds some of my favorite memories as a kid?
Now days when I take my kids anywhere, I’m surrounded by people buried deep in their phones. It truly hurts my heart. Those seemingly meaningless days of my youth are the days I remember the most because when I was there, my parents were present. My dad played with me and creatively thought up fun ways for us to be together when things weren’t super exciting, like waiting for my mom. Because he was so present, it seared joyful memories into my mind that will always bring a smile to my face. Because my mom pressed through her exhaustion and gave me time, I look back on her as a young mother with immense fondness. She was there, she was present.
Back in November, after the elections, I quit all social media except my Passionate Purpose stuff. I needed to decompress and reset myself. The first couple of days I felt withdrawal symptoms, which really bothered me, because I don’t like being controlled by anything. Then after while, those feelings subsided and I thought of my phone, social media, and the internet less and less. I felt more engaged in my days and with my children. I found I had lots of time to do lots of things. I sat outside just to be outside. I read books and magazines. I was present for my children and I felt more joyful.
Now that I’ve reset myself, I’ve given myself freedom to use social media if I want and, funny enough, my desire for it is gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. I can hardly stomach it anymore. I actually have to force myself to get on and engage with my Passionate Purpose site. I also see things in a different way now. Mostly what I’ve noticed is that, as a people, we are consumed with electronics. Consumed with a capital C. We simply can’t put our phones down. If there is a half a second pause, the phone comes out. If we are waiting for anything, the phone comes out. If we are sitting in our cars with our kids, everyone is on something. We go out to eat and families are zoned out staring into their screens. This is not life, this is not living.
I wrote about my dad and mom because they were parents before the invasion of electronics. How different my childhood would have been if while waiting for my mom, my dad and I just stared at screens. How different my childhood would have been if my mom had just absorbed herself in screen time when she got home from work. How different my life would have been if while at the park, my dad sat on a bench engaging with people who weren’t right in front of him. I shudder to …
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]]>I grew up in the 80’s, back in the days when MTV was good and big hair ruled supreme. I’m the first born and quite a bit older than my siblings, so there was a good deal of time in my early days where it was just me.
My parents didn’t have much money when I was very young. They had me when they were in their early twenties, but I never really wanted for anything. When I was around three-years old my parents moved to Manhattan, Kansas so that my dad could attend Kansas State University. I saw my parents sacrifice a lot so that they could improve our lives. My mom worked while my dad went to school. We didn’t have fancy things, for sure. Dominos pizza about once a month was a highlight for us. I had few toys and most of the time I didn’t have a bedroom, because my uncle lived with us to help with rent. What I lacked in material things, my parents made up in their time and attention.
Though my mom worked, she was always there for me. She’d come home and always make a simple, healthy meal. I realize now how much love she was showing our family by expending even more energy to give us a home-cooked meal. In our backyard, we had a clothes line and my mom would take a sheet, throw it over the lines, and make me a “playhouse.” I loved playing under it with my CareBears out in the beautiful sunshine. Sometimes on the weekends, she’d make me cookies and surprise me by bringing them out to me in my playhouse. She’d sit in the shade under the sheet and share a snack with me. She, also, always made time to take me to the library and help me pick out books. To this day, I relish reading a good book and I know it was because she laid that foundation. Sometimes in my mind, my mom is still that beautiful, young woman hanging laundry in the sun at our simple house in Manhattan.
Because my mom worked, I was with my dad a lot when he wasn’t in class. No money meant that we spent a lot of time at parks or the free zoo behind my house. Every time my dad took me to the park, I was his focus. We’d make up silly songs together that we still remember to this day. He’d push me on the swings, chase me around, and watched me as I explored the park. Since my parents only had one car, my dad and I would pick up my mom everyday after work. A lot of times, we’d get there a little early and sit and wait for her. Normally, that would be terribly boring, but not with my dad. He’d make up games for us to play on the fly and we’d sing funny songs together. Sometimes I would sit on the window sill of the car and tap out songs on the roof for him to guess. Isn’t it funny how just sitting in the parking lot with my dad holds some of my favorite memories as a kid?
Now days when I take my kids anywhere, I’m surrounded by people buried deep in their phones. It truly hurts my heart. Those seemingly meaningless days of my youth are the days I remember the most because when I was there, my parents were present. My dad played with me and creatively thought up fun ways for us to be together when things weren’t super exciting, like waiting for my mom. Because he was so present, it seared joyful memories into my mind that will always bring a smile to my face. Because my mom pressed through her exhaustion and gave me time, I look back on her as a young mother with immense fondness. She was there, she was present.
Back in November, after the elections, I quit all social media except my Passionate Purpose stuff. I needed to decompress and reset myself. The first couple of days I felt withdrawal symptoms, which really bothered me, because I don’t like being controlled by anything. Then after while, those feelings subsided and I thought of my phone, social media, and the internet less and less. I felt more engaged in my days and with my children. I found I had lots of time to do lots of things. I sat outside just to be outside. I read books and magazines. I was present for my children and I felt more joyful.
Now that I’ve reset myself, I’ve given myself freedom to use social media if I want and, funny enough, my desire for it is gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. I can hardly stomach it anymore. I actually have to force myself to get on and engage with my Passionate Purpose site. I also see things in a different way now. Mostly what I’ve noticed is that, as a people, we are consumed with electronics. Consumed with a capital C. We simply can’t put our phones down. If there is a half a second pause, the phone comes out. If we are waiting for anything, the phone comes out. If we are sitting in our cars with our kids, everyone is on something. We go out to eat and families are zoned out staring into their screens. This is not life, this is not living.
I wrote about my dad and mom because they were parents before the invasion of electronics. How different my childhood would have been if while waiting for my mom, my dad and I just stared at screens. How different my childhood would have been if my mom had just absorbed herself in screen time when she got home from work. How different my life would have been if while at the park, my dad sat on a bench engaging with people who weren’t right in front of him. I shudder to …
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]]>
When I was maybe 12-years old, my grandmother gave me the birds and bees talk in the car while driving me back to my parent’s house. There I was trapped with no where to run and all I really remember about the “talk” was my desire to melt away into the seat. Hearing my grandmother talk about such things made me all kinds of squeamish. Hey, I was 12-years old and my grandmother was talking to me about sex!
I also remember the “talk” at school given by our ancient PE teacher. She was like 185-years old and hearing her talk about sex was about as interesting as picking dried paint off a wall. She was all very technical, which, of course, made us all giggle and not pay attention to a word she was saying.
When my oldest turned of age to have the initial talk with her, I was nervous. It’s a very intimate conversation and I wondered how she would view me and her dad after explaining how she came into existence. I wondered if she’d be grossed out, clam up, ask lots of questions, or seem as if this was all old news to her. I took her to get Starbucks and then we sat outside and I gave her the very vanilla version so as not to overwhelm her with too much at first. I then invited her to ask questions, and she did ask a few. Afterwards, I told her that this was just the first of many talks about this topic, because it’s so important. I encouraged her to always come to me with any questions she had and even told her that if she felt weird asking, she could write it down for us.
That was several years ago now and I’ve just had the talk with my middle child. She took it well, but she’s a lot more sensitive, so I didn’t expect too many questions from her, yet.
Ahhhh, the joys of parenting.
I teach my kids about chastity. Usually when I say chastity, people raise their eyebrows and ask if I even like sex. They want to know where I keep my chastity belts for my kids. Chastity is a virtue that is greatly scorned by our culture.
“Chastity! That prudish, kill-joy, boring call to be abstinent?! No thanks!” yells the world.
It is so important how we present chastity to our kids. We can’t talk to them about sex as is if it is a dirty thing or bad. No, sex is a beautiful expression of love meant for the union of man and wife in marriage. This is outdated in the eyes of the world. Often the world thinks that we, as Catholics, don’t think enough about sex. But, I’ve heard it said that it’s the world that doesn’t think enough about sex, in fact, it thinks too little. The world boils it down to just a pleasurable experience between consenting people. It’s just a great thing to do. The Catholic Church actually thinks much more about sex. We see it as a sacred act meant to unite two souls into one. Through this free act of love, sometimes the couple is blessed with fruits of their love–children.
So, when we talk to our kids about sex, we must appeal to the beauty of the act and the loving, self-giving act of waiting for your spouse. I tell my girls that there is such freedom in being chaste for your spouse and with your spouse. You don’t have to worry about baggage, you don’t have to worry about diseases, and you don’t have to worry about children with someone who may not stick around. Fidelity in a marriage allows you to love each other faithfully, fruitfully, freely, and fully.
Girls love to hear about the beauty of waiting and why it means so much to their self-esteem and self-worth. They need to understand the bond that is created and why it is so special to give the gift of yourself. It is an act that says, “I loved you enough to give this part of me only to you.” I tell my girls that sex is a beautiful, good, wonderful thing that is meant to be enjoyed in the bond of the martial union. God created sex and He wants us to enjoy it, but not in the warped, twisted selfish way the world pushes.
“A person’s rightful due is to be treated as an object of love, not as an object for use.”
–Pope John Paul II
For boys, we have to appeal to chastity through strength, discipline, and heroism. Boys want a bar to rise to, but, sadly, our world sets the bar very low. If you can show them the heroic nature of disciplining themselves for their future spouse, they will want to rise to the occasion and accept the challenge. Sexual desire is very real and very strong and to sacrifice is heroic. It is easy to follow the world’s way, yet, the harder way is more rewarding. We can’t just say “Don’t have sex!” That rarely works with teens. We have to show them why it is so important to practice the virtue of chastity in a world that laughs in the face of anyone who tries.
“Take away from love the fullness of self surrender, the completeness of personal commitment, and what remains will be a total denial and negation of it.”
– Pope John Paul II
Teaching out kids about this is no easy task. That is why talks about sex have to happen with your teens frequently. We can’t be afraid to speak up about such things and show them that it’s not a taboo topic. In fact, sex is a very, very important topic. I’ve found that the more I talk about it with my kids, the easier it gets. We also have to show how the Catholic Church thinks that sex is a truly, beautiful sacred union; …
The post Sharing the Truth of Chastity with Your Teen appeared first on .
]]>When I was maybe 12-years old, my grandmother gave me the birds and bees talk in the car while driving me back to my parent’s house. There I was trapped with no where to run and all I really remember about the “talk” was my desire to melt away into the seat. Hearing my grandmother talk about such things made me all kinds of squeamish. Hey, I was 12-years old and my grandmother was talking to me about sex!
I also remember the “talk” at school given by our ancient PE teacher. She was like 185-years old and hearing her talk about sex was about as interesting as picking dried paint off a wall. She was all very technical, which, of course, made us all giggle and not pay attention to a word she was saying.
When my oldest turned of age to have the initial talk with her, I was nervous. It’s a very intimate conversation and I wondered how she would view me and her dad after explaining how she came into existence. I wondered if she’d be grossed out, clam up, ask lots of questions, or seem as if this was all old news to her. I took her to get Starbucks and then we sat outside and I gave her the very vanilla version so as not to overwhelm her with too much at first. I then invited her to ask questions, and she did ask a few. Afterwards, I told her that this was just the first of many talks about this topic, because it’s so important. I encouraged her to always come to me with any questions she had and even told her that if she felt weird asking, she could write it down for us.
That was several years ago now and I’ve just had the talk with my middle child. She took it well, but she’s a lot more sensitive, so I didn’t expect too many questions from her, yet.
Ahhhh, the joys of parenting.
I teach my kids about chastity. Usually when I say chastity, people raise their eyebrows and ask if I even like sex. They want to know where I keep my chastity belts for my kids. Chastity is a virtue that is greatly scorned by our culture.
“Chastity! That prudish, kill-joy, boring call to be abstinent?! No thanks!” yells the world.
It is so important how we present chastity to our kids. We can’t talk to them about sex as is if it is a dirty thing or bad. No, sex is a beautiful expression of love meant for the union of man and wife in marriage. This is outdated in the eyes of the world. Often the world thinks that we, as Catholics, don’t think enough about sex. But, I’ve heard it said that it’s the world that doesn’t think enough about sex, in fact, it thinks too little. The world boils it down to just a pleasurable experience between consenting people. It’s just a great thing to do. The Catholic Church actually thinks much more about sex. We see it as a sacred act meant to unite two souls into one. Through this free act of love, sometimes the couple is blessed with fruits of their love–children.
So, when we talk to our kids about sex, we must appeal to the beauty of the act and the loving, self-giving act of waiting for your spouse. I tell my girls that there is such freedom in being chaste for your spouse and with your spouse. You don’t have to worry about baggage, you don’t have to worry about diseases, and you don’t have to worry about children with someone who may not stick around. Fidelity in a marriage allows you to love each other faithfully, fruitfully, freely, and fully.
Girls love to hear about the beauty of waiting and why it means so much to their self-esteem and self-worth. They need to understand the bond that is created and why it is so special to give the gift of yourself. It is an act that says, “I loved you enough to give this part of me only to you.” I tell my girls that sex is a beautiful, good, wonderful thing that is meant to be enjoyed in the bond of the martial union. God created sex and He wants us to enjoy it, but not in the warped, twisted selfish way the world pushes.
“A person’s rightful due is to be treated as an object of love, not as an object for use.”
–Pope John Paul II
For boys, we have to appeal to chastity through strength, discipline, and heroism. Boys want a bar to rise to, but, sadly, our world sets the bar very low. If you can show them the heroic nature of disciplining themselves for their future spouse, they will want to rise to the occasion and accept the challenge. Sexual desire is very real and very strong and to sacrifice is heroic. It is easy to follow the world’s way, yet, the harder way is more rewarding. We can’t just say “Don’t have sex!” That rarely works with teens. We have to show them why it is so important to practice the virtue of chastity in a world that laughs in the face of anyone who tries.
“Take away from love the fullness of self surrender, the completeness of personal commitment, and what remains will be a total denial and negation of it.”
– Pope John Paul II
Teaching out kids about this is no easy task. That is why talks about sex have to happen with your teens frequently. We can’t be afraid to speak up about such things and show them that it’s not a taboo topic. In fact, sex is a very, very important topic. I’ve found that the more I talk about it with my kids, the easier it gets. We also have to show how the Catholic Church thinks that sex is a truly, beautiful sacred union; …
The post Sharing the Truth of Chastity with Your Teen appeared first on .
]]>
Many years ago, my husband was trying to explain to someone how your relationship with your spouse, if you have one, is more important than any other earthly relationship.
The other person quickly said, “No, it’s with your kids.”
To which my husband said, “It doesn’t mean that you love your kids less, it’s just that they will move on and all that will be left is you and your spouse. If the marriage breaks down, everything falls apart.”
The other person didn’t quite seem to get what my husband was saying.
This is often what happens. When someone says your relationship with your spouse is one of the highest priorities, people often hear, “Don’t love your kids as much as your spouse.”
I think we’ve gone about explaining this not quite accurately enough so that people understand. This weekend, at our Sunday Bible study with our kids, my husband and I were talking about love with them. I’ll try to capture what I said to them.
Our number one relationship in all of life should be with God. God is love and if He is love then a relationship with Him is how we come to truly and fully understand what love is and how to love well. God loves us perfectly, fully, wholly, immensely, and eternally. There is no flaw in His love and there is no measure to it.
When we put God first in our lives and really truly try to live our lives for Him, we are graced with the capacity to love more like Him. The more we tap into God, the more we open ourselves up to being more like Him and the more we are like Him, the better we love.
It isn’t like I have a cookie jar full of love where I dole out my love to those in my family. It’s not as if I say, “Okay, Dustin, you get 1/2 of my love. Kids, you get to divide 1/4 of my love up evenly between you, and there will be 1/4 left over for my mom, dad, brother, sister, other family members, and friends.” This is not how love works when done right.
When we order things as they should, with God at the top of our priority list, the love is limitless. We don’t have to measure our love out to those around us. We don’t run out; our love doesn’t dry up. Quite the opposite, we are able to love more fully, wholly, and immensely, because we have tapped into the source of love–God. There is not an X amount of love in the world and when we’ve given it out, then it’s all gone. No, the beautiful thing about love is that the more we give away, the more we have to give away. It just keeps coming.
When I order my life with God at the top, I am able to love my husband more completely. This in turn allows me to love my children more completely. My marriage comes from God and through the love in our marriage came our children. It flows perfectly: From God, our marriage; from our marriage, our kids. Loving God first frees us to love in a deep, deep way. Our children come through the love in the marriage and it only makes sense that to keep the family happy, intact, and loving, the parents must make sure that they are loving each other well.
There has never been a family in the history of the world that has fallen apart when the spouses were both loving the other deeply, truly, and fully. There have been families–many in fact–that have fallen apart when the spouses neglected each other and focused all their love on their kids.
The point is that when someone says your marriage needs to take precedence over your other earthly relationships, they are not in anyway implying that you should love your kids less. No one is saying to completely ignore the young’uns and just stare into your spouses eyes all day. A healthy marriage, however, is more necessary, more essential to the well-being of all in the family.
But, what about single people and single mothers and fathers? No matter your situation in life, your relationship with God is the most important. Growing closer to God only helps you to love better all who cross your path. It helps you to offer a smile to a stranger, to say a kind word to the cashier, to help a co-worker who is feeling overwhelmed. We are commanded by God to love everyone, but how I show that love looks different depending on the closeness of my relationship with a certain person.
I often times get a feeling that people have a certain “pride” in saying that they love their kids more than their spouse. It is important to remember that kids desperately want their parents to love each other. They need to see that you do, because it gives them security and peace. Each month, my husband and I have date night and my two older children watch their younger brother. They never gripe or complain. In fact, my oldest told me that she loves seeing us go out on dates. The question is why? She loves it, because her foundation is her father and I. If we are broken, or teetering on shaky ground, our children will feel anxious, fearful, nervous, and doubtful of the state of the family.
I grew up with both my parents giving me and my siblings tons of attention and love. Sadly, they couldn’t find a way to love each other and I always ached for that. In fact, I wish in many ways, they would have put their effort into each other more than into us kids. My parents didn’t stay together and it is a truly difficult thing when your foundation breaks. I vowed in my heart that my kids would always be assured of my …
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]]>Many years ago, my husband was trying to explain to someone how your relationship with your spouse, if you have one, is more important than any other earthly relationship.
The other person quickly said, “No, it’s with your kids.”
To which my husband said, “It doesn’t mean that you love your kids less, it’s just that they will move on and all that will be left is you and your spouse. If the marriage breaks down, everything falls apart.”
The other person didn’t quite seem to get what my husband was saying.
This is often what happens. When someone says your relationship with your spouse is one of the highest priorities, people often hear, “Don’t love your kids as much as your spouse.”
I think we’ve gone about explaining this not quite accurately enough so that people understand. This weekend, at our Sunday Bible study with our kids, my husband and I were talking about love with them. I’ll try to capture what I said to them.
Our number one relationship in all of life should be with God. God is love and if He is love then a relationship with Him is how we come to truly and fully understand what love is and how to love well. God loves us perfectly, fully, wholly, immensely, and eternally. There is no flaw in His love and there is no measure to it.
When we put God first in our lives and really truly try to live our lives for Him, we are graced with the capacity to love more like Him. The more we tap into God, the more we open ourselves up to being more like Him and the more we are like Him, the better we love.
It isn’t like I have a cookie jar full of love where I dole out my love to those in my family. It’s not as if I say, “Okay, Dustin, you get 1/2 of my love. Kids, you get to divide 1/4 of my love up evenly between you, and there will be 1/4 left over for my mom, dad, brother, sister, other family members, and friends.” This is not how love works when done right.
When we order things as they should, with God at the top of our priority list, the love is limitless. We don’t have to measure our love out to those around us. We don’t run out; our love doesn’t dry up. Quite the opposite, we are able to love more fully, wholly, and immensely, because we have tapped into the source of love–God. There is not an X amount of love in the world and when we’ve given it out, then it’s all gone. No, the beautiful thing about love is that the more we give away, the more we have to give away. It just keeps coming.
When I order my life with God at the top, I am able to love my husband more completely. This in turn allows me to love my children more completely. My marriage comes from God and through the love in our marriage came our children. It flows perfectly: From God, our marriage; from our marriage, our kids. Loving God first frees us to love in a deep, deep way. Our children come through the love in the marriage and it only makes sense that to keep the family happy, intact, and loving, the parents must make sure that they are loving each other well.
There has never been a family in the history of the world that has fallen apart when the spouses were both loving the other deeply, truly, and fully. There have been families–many in fact–that have fallen apart when the spouses neglected each other and focused all their love on their kids.
The point is that when someone says your marriage needs to take precedence over your other earthly relationships, they are not in anyway implying that you should love your kids less. No one is saying to completely ignore the young’uns and just stare into your spouses eyes all day. A healthy marriage, however, is more necessary, more essential to the well-being of all in the family.
But, what about single people and single mothers and fathers? No matter your situation in life, your relationship with God is the most important. Growing closer to God only helps you to love better all who cross your path. It helps you to offer a smile to a stranger, to say a kind word to the cashier, to help a co-worker who is feeling overwhelmed. We are commanded by God to love everyone, but how I show that love looks different depending on the closeness of my relationship with a certain person.
I often times get a feeling that people have a certain “pride” in saying that they love their kids more than their spouse. It is important to remember that kids desperately want their parents to love each other. They need to see that you do, because it gives them security and peace. Each month, my husband and I have date night and my two older children watch their younger brother. They never gripe or complain. In fact, my oldest told me that she loves seeing us go out on dates. The question is why? She loves it, because her foundation is her father and I. If we are broken, or teetering on shaky ground, our children will feel anxious, fearful, nervous, and doubtful of the state of the family.
I grew up with both my parents giving me and my siblings tons of attention and love. Sadly, they couldn’t find a way to love each other and I always ached for that. In fact, I wish in many ways, they would have put their effort into each other more than into us kids. My parents didn’t stay together and it is a truly difficult thing when your foundation breaks. I vowed in my heart that my kids would always be assured of my …
The post When I Put God First In My Marriage, Nobody Competes For My Love appeared first on .
]]>
Recently, I was challenged by Sara over at To Jesus, Sincerely, to talk about how I’m “rocking motherhood.” At first, I felt all squeamish inside, because I was being asked to “brag” on myself. I know that quite often I have mom fails and blunders. I do, though, think it is good to humbly reflect on the ways we are succeeding at anything in life. Sometimes, we spend too much time beating ourselves up instead of looking at the ways we are actually doing a good job.
I spent a lot of time thinking about how I “rock motherhood.” A few things came to mind, but like Sara, I wanted to see what my kids said. So, I asked my 15-year old first.
“Rhi, in what ways am I a good mom?”
“I can think of three things off the top of my head. You are always trying to make our home happy. You always cook delicious dinners and make everyone feel loved. You, also, spend almost all your time doing stuff for all of us, like driving us all where we need to go and teaching us. And, you don’t change for the culture.”
I asked her what she meant by this last statement and she said, “Well, you stand strong in your beliefs and you don’t just do whatever the culture is doing. You are different.”
I think hearing her say that moved me more to tears than anything else, because I desire to teach my kids to look different than the world. I want them to stand strong in their faith and be courageous enough to fight against the tide. If they recognize this in me, I feel I am doing something right.
So, I asked my 12-year old the same question.
“Siddo, why would you say I’m a good mom?
“You teach us about everything. You make sure we are healthy by cooking us food all the time and you take us to church and talk about God to us.”
I take very seriously the care of my children’s souls and each day, I strive to help them to Heaven. I know all too well that the world will prey on my children and with all my energy, I will do what it takes to equip, prepare, and guide their precious souls. The risks are too great and I would give my life–my last breath–to protect their souls.
Lastly, I asked my 2-year old what made me a good momma. He just smiled and asked me to sing his favorite funny song. Dear Lord, I love my kids.
What my kids said means the world to me and just the fact that they are smiling, happy, grateful, helpful, loving kids means I must be getting something right. But, there are four things I do that makes me a “rocking mom.”
- I try to live my life with passion. I want my kids to see me energized and excited about life. I want them to know what I fully love: God, my family, friends, truth, etc. I want to show them that the greatest gift you can give to God is to live your life for Him with passion. A life lived half-way is not the way to live. As their mother, I want to show them that everyday is a gift and we live it fully when we live it passionately.
- I read to my kids. I read to them as babies and I read to them now. I love having my teenager rest her head on my shoulder as we share a story together. I enjoy so much having my pre-teen snuggle up next to me while I read to her. I cherish having my little man jump into my lap to hear a favorite story for the thousandth time. Books teach so much and I hope to foster a love of reading throughout their lives.
- I’m an open book with my kids. They know my faults, failings, and blunders. I tell them where I screwed up in my life and how through God’s grace, I figured out how to right the ship. I want them to know that I’m not perfect, but that I do try really hard to do my best. That is what I ask of them. I, also, want them to see that it’s okay to admit your mistakes and faults. I don’t want them to dwell on them, but it’s important, in order to be better people, that we recognize that we can always work to improve ourselves.
- Lastly, I think one of the greatest ways I “rock motherhood” is by loving their father with all my heart. My kids are assured that their foundation in us is solid ground. They have the peace about them that comes with knowing that mom and dad are one.
Thank you for listening to my thoughts. I still feel a little odd throwing this out there, but, like I said before, it’s good to recognize where you are succeeding. Each good momma out there has her way and I have enjoyed reading how the other moms “rock motherhood.” If I am any kind of good mother, though, it is because of my mother and grandmothers who showed me the way.
So how about you? What ways do you “rock motherhood?” Maybe for this coming Mother’s Day you can ask your kids to share with you their thoughts or just take some time to write it down yourself. Either way, keep rocking motherhood, it’s a beautiful, amazing vocation!
…
The post How Am I #Rocking Motherhood? The Challenge To See How I’m Doing Motherhood Right. appeared first on .
]]>
Recently, I was challenged by Sara over at To Jesus, Sincerely, to talk about how I’m “rocking motherhood.” At first, I felt all squeamish inside, because I was being asked to “brag” on myself. I know that quite often I have mom fails and blunders. I do, though, think it is good to humbly reflect on the ways we are succeeding at anything in life. Sometimes, we spend too much time beating ourselves up instead of looking at the ways we are actually doing a good job.
I spent a lot of time thinking about how I “rock motherhood.” A few things came to mind, but like Sara, I wanted to see what my kids said. So, I asked my 15-year old first.
“Rhi, in what ways am I a good mom?”
“I can think of three things off the top of my head. You are always trying to make our home happy. You always cook delicious dinners and make everyone feel loved. You, also, spend almost all your time doing stuff for all of us, like driving us all where we need to go and teaching us. And, you don’t change for the culture.”
I asked her what she meant by this last statement and she said, “Well, you stand strong in your beliefs and you don’t just do whatever the culture is doing. You are different.”
I think hearing her say that moved me more to tears than anything else, because I desire to teach my kids to look different than the world. I want them to stand strong in their faith and be courageous enough to fight against the tide. If they recognize this in me, I feel I am doing something right.
So, I asked my 12-year old the same question.
“Siddo, why would you say I’m a good mom?
“You teach us about everything. You make sure we are healthy by cooking us food all the time and you take us to church and talk about God to us.”
I take very seriously the care of my children’s souls and each day, I strive to help them to Heaven. I know all too well that the world will prey on my children and with all my energy, I will do what it takes to equip, prepare, and guide their precious souls. The risks are too great and I would give my life–my last breath–to protect their souls.
Lastly, I asked my 2-year old what made me a good momma. He just smiled and asked me to sing his favorite funny song. Dear Lord, I love my kids.
What my kids said means the world to me and just the fact that they are smiling, happy, grateful, helpful, loving kids means I must be getting something right. But, there are four things I do that makes me a “rocking mom.”
- I try to live my life with passion. I want my kids to see me energized and excited about life. I want them to know what I fully love: God, my family, friends, truth, etc. I want to show them that the greatest gift you can give to God is to live your life for Him with passion. A life lived half-way is not the way to live. As their mother, I want to show them that everyday is a gift and we live it fully when we live it passionately.
- I read to my kids. I read to them as babies and I read to them now. I love having my teenager rest her head on my shoulder as we share a story together. I enjoy so much having my pre-teen snuggle up next to me while I read to her. I cherish having my little man jump into my lap to hear a favorite story for the thousandth time. Books teach so much and I hope to foster a love of reading throughout their lives.
- I’m an open book with my kids. They know my faults, failings, and blunders. I tell them where I screwed up in my life and how through God’s grace, I figured out how to right the ship. I want them to know that I’m not perfect, but that I do try really hard to do my best. That is what I ask of them. I, also, want them to see that it’s okay to admit your mistakes and faults. I don’t want them to dwell on them, but it’s important, in order to be better people, that we recognize that we can always work to improve ourselves.
- Lastly, I think one of the greatest ways I “rock motherhood” is by loving their father with all my heart. My kids are assured that their foundation in us is solid ground. They have the peace about them that comes with knowing that mom and dad are one.
Thank you for listening to my thoughts. I still feel a little odd throwing this out there, but, like I said before, it’s good to recognize where you are succeeding. Each good momma out there has her way and I have enjoyed reading how the other moms “rock motherhood.” If I am any kind of good mother, though, it is because of my mother and grandmothers who showed me the way.
So how about you? What ways do you “rock motherhood?” Maybe for this coming Mother’s Day you can ask your kids to share with you their thoughts or just take some time to write it down yourself. Either way, keep rocking motherhood, it’s a beautiful, amazing vocation!
…
The post How Am I #Rocking Motherhood? The Challenge To See How I’m Doing Motherhood Right. appeared first on .
]]>
A few weeks back, the window on my husband’s car wouldn’t roll back up. It made this awful grinding noise and I feared the repair bill that would follow. My husband has had the car for a long time and it’s starting to wear down. But, instead of taking the car to the shop, my husband announced he was going to attempt to fix it.
(Glup)
My first inclination was to stop my husband in his tracks and encourage him to just take it to a repair shop. Why? Because he doesn’t know about cars. He isn’t a car guy, but he is an engineer and he never ceases to amaze me with the things he can learn to do. So, I kept my mouth shut and let him try.
He researched it on Youtube, went and bought the parts, and set about the task of fixing the window. In the end, it was fixed and perfect. He did a great job and I could tell it gave him a lot of satisfaction to do it himself. He felt accomplished and I was proud of him. It was evident that he enjoyed the challenge. I’m glad that I didn’t encourage him to just take it to a shop.
I’ve noticed my husband seeks challenges. There is a mountain near our house here in Vegas that he *had* to climb. He trained last year to challenge himself to run a marathon. He spent many a Saturday running mile-after-mile. I could have complained about lost time with him, but I knew he needed this challenge.
But, it isn’t just him. My dad turned 60 this past year and what did he want to do? Climb a mountain with my brother and my husband.
My brother within the past couple of years took on the challenge of transforming his thin frame into a more muscular one. He challenges himself through Tough Mudders, lifting more, and even in helping others, as a personal trainer, get fit.
Even my two-year-old son seeks challenges. He climbs on everything. He wants to carry all the big things. He wants to wrestle his dad non-stop. I’m not saying that my daughters didn’t do these things to an extent, but I can see a difference in his need for it.
My husband and I were talking the other night about some boys/men in our lives that seem unmotivated, lazy, or just downright bored with life. I said, “I just wonder what it is that makes them this way?”
Without a moment’s hesitation, my husband said, “They aren’t challenged.”
I asked him to explain.
“Men are wired to take on challenges. We need to fight for the things we want and we won’t appreciate things that come easy. It’s written into our DNA–we need to be challenged. Today, a lot of boys aren’t being challenged in school, sports, or in life. Things are too easy and when men have no challenge, they aren’t motivated.”
I told him that I don’t want to cause this kind of listlessness in our son. He assured me that I wouldn’t, but right there I understood something: My son will learn best through my husband how to challenge himself throughout his life. It is my job to stand out of the way and let the challenges happen–for both my husband and my son. Even when I stand on the sideline and want to blow my safety whistle, I have to restrain myself. I must trust that my husband will not lead our son into danger and that it will be for his greater good.
I’ve seen my husband do this with our daughters, as well. Where I want to swoop in to wipe away all discomfort, Dustin looks at me and asks me to trust him. I see that he takes the harder things in life for our girls and turns them into great teaching moments. He teaches them to face conflict, to be brave, to fight through difficulties, and to push the limits sometimes. Last year, he took our girls on a kayaking trip down the Colorado River for our oldest’s 15th birthday. I was nervous. I’m afraid of water. But, he took them out on the challenge and it was amazing for them. Their faces glowed with confidence and I realized how good the challenge was for them.
Teaching our children to accept challenges, challenges Dustin to be a better father and man. I encourage Dustin to lead our family as a man of God, not because I’m some brainwashed-backwoods weakling and not because he is some patriarchal dictator that demands it. I ask him because I know that it is what he needs to continue to feel motivated, confident, important, and fulfilled. I ask him because I love him and I know that the challenge is a part of who he is as a man.
For myself, as well, Dustin challenges me and I need that. Where once my father challenged me in numerous ways and still continues to do so; Dustin, also, plays that role. Dustin gently guides me to accept new challenges and face them. He helps me overcome fear by helping me to get out of my own head and not overthink things too much. When I see Dustin challenging himself, whether through reading Thomas Aquinas, taking on some new physical test, or even fasting, I am inspired to follow him.
When Dustin first met me, I hated math. He’s an engineer and math comes naturally to him. He remembers equations that I couldn’t conjure up in 50 lifetimes. Anyway, I used to always criticize myself when attempting any math problem. Through the years, Dustin has encouraged me to keep trying and recognize that I just learn differently than him. Through homeschooling our children, I’ve been forced to learn math again. At first, I resisted, but through Dustin’s guidance, I let down my barriers to math and have been able to learn it better than I ever did …
The post Don’t Hold Your Husband Back From Challenging Himself or Your Children appeared first on .
]]>A few weeks back, the window on my husband’s car wouldn’t roll back up. It made this awful grinding noise and I feared the repair bill that would follow. My husband has had the car for a long time and it’s starting to wear down. But, instead of taking the car to the shop, my husband announced he was going to attempt to fix it.
(Glup)
My first inclination was to stop my husband in his tracks and encourage him to just take it to a repair shop. Why? Because he doesn’t know about cars. He isn’t a car guy, but he is an engineer and he never ceases to amaze me with the things he can learn to do. So, I kept my mouth shut and let him try.
He researched it on Youtube, went and bought the parts, and set about the task of fixing the window. In the end, it was fixed and perfect. He did a great job and I could tell it gave him a lot of satisfaction to do it himself. He felt accomplished and I was proud of him. It was evident that he enjoyed the challenge. I’m glad that I didn’t encourage him to just take it to a shop.
I’ve noticed my husband seeks challenges. There is a mountain near our house here in Vegas that he *had* to climb. He trained last year to challenge himself to run a marathon. He spent many a Saturday running mile-after-mile. I could have complained about lost time with him, but I knew he needed this challenge.
But, it isn’t just him. My dad turned 60 this past year and what did he want to do? Climb a mountain with my brother and my husband.
My brother within the past couple of years took on the challenge of transforming his thin frame into a more muscular one. He challenges himself through Tough Mudders, lifting more, and even in helping others, as a personal trainer, get fit.
Even my two-year-old son seeks challenges. He climbs on everything. He wants to carry all the big things. He wants to wrestle his dad non-stop. I’m not saying that my daughters didn’t do these things to an extent, but I can see a difference in his need for it.
My husband and I were talking the other night about some boys/men in our lives that seem unmotivated, lazy, or just downright bored with life. I said, “I just wonder what it is that makes them this way?”
Without a moment’s hesitation, my husband said, “They aren’t challenged.”
I asked him to explain.
“Men are wired to take on challenges. We need to fight for the things we want and we won’t appreciate things that come easy. It’s written into our DNA–we need to be challenged. Today, a lot of boys aren’t being challenged in school, sports, or in life. Things are too easy and when men have no challenge, they aren’t motivated.”
I told him that I don’t want to cause this kind of listlessness in our son. He assured me that I wouldn’t, but right there I understood something: My son will learn best through my husband how to challenge himself throughout his life. It is my job to stand out of the way and let the challenges happen–for both my husband and my son. Even when I stand on the sideline and want to blow my safety whistle, I have to restrain myself. I must trust that my husband will not lead our son into danger and that it will be for his greater good.
I’ve seen my husband do this with our daughters, as well. Where I want to swoop in to wipe away all discomfort, Dustin looks at me and asks me to trust him. I see that he takes the harder things in life for our girls and turns them into great teaching moments. He teaches them to face conflict, to be brave, to fight through difficulties, and to push the limits sometimes. Last year, he took our girls on a kayaking trip down the Colorado River for our oldest’s 15th birthday. I was nervous. I’m afraid of water. But, he took them out on the challenge and it was amazing for them. Their faces glowed with confidence and I realized how good the challenge was for them.
Teaching our children to accept challenges, challenges Dustin to be a better father and man. I encourage Dustin to lead our family as a man of God, not because I’m some brainwashed-backwoods weakling and not because he is some patriarchal dictator that demands it. I ask him because I know that it is what he needs to continue to feel motivated, confident, important, and fulfilled. I ask him because I love him and I know that the challenge is a part of who he is as a man.
For myself, as well, Dustin challenges me and I need that. Where once my father challenged me in numerous ways and still continues to do so; Dustin, also, plays that role. Dustin gently guides me to accept new challenges and face them. He helps me overcome fear by helping me to get out of my own head and not overthink things too much. When I see Dustin challenging himself, whether through reading Thomas Aquinas, taking on some new physical test, or even fasting, I am inspired to follow him.
When Dustin first met me, I hated math. He’s an engineer and math comes naturally to him. He remembers equations that I couldn’t conjure up in 50 lifetimes. Anyway, I used to always criticize myself when attempting any math problem. Through the years, Dustin has encouraged me to keep trying and recognize that I just learn differently than him. Through homeschooling our children, I’ve been forced to learn math again. At first, I resisted, but through Dustin’s guidance, I let down my barriers to math and have been able to learn it better than I ever did …
The post Don’t Hold Your Husband Back From Challenging Himself or Your Children appeared first on .
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Recently, I heard a story about a guy who went on an anniversary vacation with his wife. They went to a beach location and the guy said, “I’m not gonna lie, I was looking. I was at a beach and my wife knows that guys look. She’s cool with it.”
To which my husband responded, “Really? How much better would she feel if you didn’t and focused only on her?”
The guy didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when spouses talk–even lust–out loud over someone other than their spouse. I cringe inside every single time, because it is such an unnecessary, hurtful thing to do. I cringe because there was a time when I had boyfriends who loudly and proudly ogled other women in my presence and it always made me feel the size of an ant. I never felt loved or special. In fact, my heart felt trampled and deflated.
Our spouses are entrusted to us and we are–along with God–the keepers of their hearts. It should be our goal, each and every day, to make our spouse feel and know our love. Will we always do this perfectly? No, of course not. However, I hear time and again people giving each other passes in the area of “checking out” other people.
The “boys will be boys” line doesn’t and shouldn’t fly. What a low bar of expectation. Yes, men are the more visual of the sexes, but this is not a free pass to dishonor one’s spouse at any moment. There is nothing more appealing than a man who knows how to discipline himself and who respects his wife by honoring her with this heart, mind and, yes, even his eyes. Ladies aren’t off the hook either. I’ve heard plenty of wives remark on their desire for this actor or that actor.
One common objection that I often hear is that one spouse will say, “Well, my spouse doesn’t really care if I look.”
Yes, they do. They care and they care deeply. There isn’t a spouse on earth that would rather their partner look and lust after someone other than them. They may say they don’t care, but they say this for three reasons.
- They’ve been yelled at about it. Whenever I would confront my boyfriends on their wandering eyes, they’d yell at me, berate me, and then do it all the more. I’d tell them that it hurt my feelings, but that mattered none. So, in time, I just stopped saying anything.
- They say this because they know that if they ask you to stop, you won’t. The pain of asking and be rejected feels worse than just simply going along and acting like “it doesn’t bother me.” It’s a defense response. It’s hard to tell your spouse that something they are doing is hurting you and they refuse to give it up. This doesn’t speak love at all.
- They are engaging in the same act and don’t want to stop. I’ve been around spouses where both of them will go on and on about their “dream sheet.” You know, the list of gorgeous people they would hook up with if they could. They say this right in front of each other and it almost becomes a contest to see who can out-ogle the other. I never walk away from those couples thinking, “Wow, there’s a solid, loving couple!”
When one “looks” (read checks out lustfully) at other people, especially when married, they are not looking because of a genuine interest in getting to know them as a person. They are doing just what that guy on his anniversary (ANNIVERSARY TRIP!) was doing–looking and imagining a sexual encounter with them. No one is saying, “Gee, I wonder if that guy enjoys reading mysterious novels or I wonder if she was a good student in high school?” Let’s not kid ourselves. When your spouse hears you speak openly about your desire for someone else, trust is broken, hearts are hurt, and desire leaves. In essence, you are telling your spouse, that they are not enough. Every spouse wants to be cherished, honored, and loved. It’s hard to look lovingly at your spouse when you are rubber-necking to try to get a look at the attractive person walking past.
So, your spouse tells you it’s okay. But, like my husband says, how much better would they feel if you told them that your eyes are only for them? They’d feel better. I assure you. If you are one of those spouses that says it’s okay, don’t give a pink slip to engage in this activity. It’s not okay and it flies in the face of marital love. Your kids don’t need to hear daddy talking about the “hotness” of the lady on the beach. Your kids don’t need to hear about how mom would jump in bed with Harrison Ford if given the chance. They need to see that love seeks to lift up the other. It doesn’t mean we have to walk around acting like everyone else but our spouses are hideous trolls. That’s unrealistic and silly. There’s a respectful way to comment on a person’s look when describing them and there’s a disrespectful way to do it where you come off like a hormonal teenager with no self-control.
Knowing that your spouse often checks out other people will quickly kill desire. All kinds of thoughts enter the mind.
“Am I good enough?”
“My body doesn’t look like hers. I’ve had three kids. When we are intimate does he think of her instead?”
“If they were left alone together would my wife be faithful?”
It’s natural to recognize a pretty or handsome face. It’s what we do once we see one that speaks a lot about the state of our heart. Do we entertain lustful thoughts? Or do we work to remove those thoughts and focus on our spouse and our love for them? My husband always says, “Our …
The post My Spouse Doesn’t Care If I Look At Other People! I Promise You They Do. appeared first on .
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Recently, I heard a story about a guy who went on an anniversary vacation with his wife. They went to a beach location and the guy said, “I’m not gonna lie, I was looking. I was at a beach and my wife knows that guys look. She’s cool with it.”
To which my husband responded, “Really? How much better would she feel if you didn’t and focused only on her?”
The guy didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when spouses talk–even lust–out loud over someone other than their spouse. I cringe inside every single time, because it is such an unnecessary, hurtful thing to do. I cringe because there was a time when I had boyfriends who loudly and proudly ogled other women in my presence and it always made me feel the size of an ant. I never felt loved or special. In fact, my heart felt trampled and deflated.
Our spouses are entrusted to us and we are–along with God–the keepers of their hearts. It should be our goal, each and every day, to make our spouse feel and know our love. Will we always do this perfectly? No, of course not. However, I hear time and again people giving each other passes in the area of “checking out” other people.
The “boys will be boys” line doesn’t and shouldn’t fly. What a low bar of expectation. Yes, men are the more visual of the sexes, but this is not a free pass to dishonor one’s spouse at any moment. There is nothing more appealing than a man who knows how to discipline himself and who respects his wife by honoring her with this heart, mind and, yes, even his eyes. Ladies aren’t off the hook either. I’ve heard plenty of wives remark on their desire for this actor or that actor.
One common objection that I often hear is that one spouse will say, “Well, my spouse doesn’t really care if I look.”
Yes, they do. They care and they care deeply. There isn’t a spouse on earth that would rather their partner look and lust after someone other than them. They may say they don’t care, but they say this for three reasons.
- They’ve been yelled at about it. Whenever I would confront my boyfriends on their wandering eyes, they’d yell at me, berate me, and then do it all the more. I’d tell them that it hurt my feelings, but that mattered none. So, in time, I just stopped saying anything.
- They say this because they know that if they ask you to stop, you won’t. The pain of asking and be rejected feels worse than just simply going along and acting like “it doesn’t bother me.” It’s a defense response. It’s hard to tell your spouse that something they are doing is hurting you and they refuse to give it up. This doesn’t speak love at all.
- They are engaging in the same act and don’t want to stop. I’ve been around spouses where both of them will go on and on about their “dream sheet.” You know, the list of gorgeous people they would hook up with if they could. They say this right in front of each other and it almost becomes a contest to see who can out-ogle the other. I never walk away from those couples thinking, “Wow, there’s a solid, loving couple!”
When one “looks” (read checks out lustfully) at other people, especially when married, they are not looking because of a genuine interest in getting to know them as a person. They are doing just what that guy on his anniversary (ANNIVERSARY TRIP!) was doing–looking and imagining a sexual encounter with them. No one is saying, “Gee, I wonder if that guy enjoys reading mysterious novels or I wonder if she was a good student in high school?” Let’s not kid ourselves. When your spouse hears you speak openly about your desire for someone else, trust is broken, hearts are hurt, and desire leaves. In essence, you are telling your spouse, that they are not enough. Every spouse wants to be cherished, honored, and loved. It’s hard to look lovingly at your spouse when you are rubber-necking to try to get a look at the attractive person walking past.
So, your spouse tells you it’s okay. But, like my husband says, how much better would they feel if you told them that your eyes are only for them? They’d feel better. I assure you. If you are one of those spouses that says it’s okay, don’t give a pink slip to engage in this activity. It’s not okay and it flies in the face of marital love. Your kids don’t need to hear daddy talking about the “hotness” of the lady on the beach. Your kids don’t need to hear about how mom would jump in bed with Harrison Ford if given the chance. They need to see that love seeks to lift up the other. It doesn’t mean we have to walk around acting like everyone else but our spouses are hideous trolls. That’s unrealistic and silly. There’s a respectful way to comment on a person’s look when describing them and there’s a disrespectful way to do it where you come off like a hormonal teenager with no self-control.
Knowing that your spouse often checks out other people will quickly kill desire. All kinds of thoughts enter the mind.
“Am I good enough?”
“My body doesn’t look like hers. I’ve had three kids. When we are intimate does he think of her instead?”
“If they were left alone together would my wife be faithful?”
It’s natural to recognize a pretty or handsome face. It’s what we do once we see one that speaks a lot about the state of our heart. Do we entertain lustful thoughts? Or do we work to remove those thoughts and focus on our spouse and our love for them? My husband always says, “Our …
The post My Spouse Doesn’t Care If I Look At Other People! I Promise You They Do. appeared first on .
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Recently, I had a single woman comment on one of my blogs about marriage. I honestly don’t know her story, but it was very clear that 1. She was single involuntarily. 2. She did not enjoy being single. 3. She felt as if married life is held up and celebrated, leaving her feeling “subhuman” and like an “alien.” My heart goes out to her, because it’s clearly something that she struggles with and it’s a cross that she is having a hard time enduring. I’m not sure why she is single, but whatever the reason, I’d like to talk to her issue. I don’t mean to call her out, but I think she brings up something that maybe a lot of people struggle with. I sensed a lot of bitterness and resentment for her state in life. It was clear that when she goes to church she is bothered by all the married couples and families. I’ve thought about this woman for several days now and after some reflection, I’ve got a couple thoughts on the matter.
First, I would have to agree with her that being single in our culture, or any culture for that matter, is seen as a sort of plague. People tend to think, “Well, what’s wrong with you?” Even if you choose to be single for a specific reason, it is a state of life that most people just can’t understand. We hold up marriage as the ideal relationship status in life and choosing to remain single seems more like a punishment. In order to avoid being single permanently, folks often say “yes” to the wrong person and get married hoping that things will work out. I’ve heard numerous stories of family and friends pressuring people into “finding someone–ANYONE!” just so that they can say that they are married.
I think part of the reason living the single life is seen as undesirable is because we are innately social creatures. We want to love and be loved and often times the single life can leave one very lonely. There are some that rebel against marriage because they want to be free to hop around from lover to lover. Others don’t want the responsibility of a family and wish to pursue their career with no strings attached. But, this was not the case for the woman above. She felt forced into the single life and she does desire to be married and have children. She even mentioned that she is living in purity which I have to commend her on, because that is a whole other level of hard. Hard, but worth it. I feel it is only natural to want to be with someone and when that can’t or doesn’t happen, we tend to feel bad about ourselves. Not to mention, society makes you feel like you’re some kind of outcast leper.
Second, I think it’s important to remember that married life is not always idyllic or easier than the single life. Many, many couples live in loneliness and downright misery because something is amiss within the marriage. Marriage is a good thing and it should be celebrated, but if not done properly, it can also be a hard cross to bear. There is a reason why it is a sacrament; you need special graces to do it well and do it right. I don’t say this to diminish her pain, but I say it because we must remember that every state in life has its difficulties and crosses. While one may suffer greatly in the single life because of loneliness, barren wombs, and feelings of inadequacy; there are those that suffer in marriage because of loneliness, barren wombs, feelings of inadequacy, adultery, abandonment, etc. Just because there is a ring on one’s finger doesn’t mean the trials of life are any easier.
Third, let me just say: St. Joan of Arc, St. Patrick, St. Ignatius of Loyola, St. Francis Xavier, St. Catherine of Siena, St. Mother Teresa, St. Pope John Paul II, St. Jerome, St. Rose of Lima, St. Philip Neri, St. John the Baptist…I could go on and on and on. For thousands of years the world has been blessed and served by some of the most holy and Christ-like people and guess what? Most of them were single. Most saints are single. There are some married ones, but there is a freedom in the single life that allows one to do incredible and amazing things for the world. The Catholic Church doesn’t see the single life as a plague or a disease. No, in fact, it sees it as a possible vocation in life where great things can be done. Really, whether you are married or single, we all are called to live out our lives serving God and serving others well. For some, that may be in the family setting. For others, that may be going out into the world and serving the poor, needy, and unloved in a way that married people can’t.
I know that for someone hurting in the single life these words may fall on numb ears. I know that I can’t fully understand what it is like to have to live my days without someone to come home to. But, I do know that we are all made for a very important purpose and our marital or single status does not make us more or less worthy. We need people in all walks of life. This world needs good single people–desperately. This world needs good married couples–desperately. Maybe this world needs to do a better job of encouraging and supporting those that are living a chaste single life, especially those that are doing it through much sacrifice and suffering. No matter what our lives entail, we must work to live out God’s will; we must find ways to be the best we can be. Above all, we must find ways to live joyfully.
Those living the single life often get overlooked and we don’t even …
The post Is Married Life More Valuable Than the Single Life? appeared first on .
]]>
Recently, I had a single woman comment on one of my blogs about marriage. I honestly don’t know her story, but it was very clear that 1. She was single involuntarily. 2. She did not enjoy being single. 3. She felt as if married life is held up and celebrated, leaving her feeling “subhuman” and like an “alien.” My heart goes out to her, because it’s clearly something that she struggles with and it’s a cross that she is having a hard time enduring. I’m not sure why she is single, but whatever the reason, I’d like to talk to her issue. I don’t mean to call her out, but I think she brings up something that maybe a lot of people struggle with. I sensed a lot of bitterness and resentment for her state in life. It was clear that when she goes to church she is bothered by all the married couples and families. I’ve thought about this woman for several days now and after some reflection, I’ve got a couple thoughts on the matter.
First, I would have to agree with her that being single in our culture, or any culture for that matter, is seen as a sort of plague. People tend to think, “Well, what’s wrong with you?” Even if you choose to be single for a specific reason, it is a state of life that most people just can’t understand. We hold up marriage as the ideal relationship status in life and choosing to remain single seems more like a punishment. In order to avoid being single permanently, folks often say “yes” to the wrong person and get married hoping that things will work out. I’ve heard numerous stories of family and friends pressuring people into “finding someone–ANYONE!” just so that they can say that they are married.
I think part of the reason living the single life is seen as undesirable is because we are innately social creatures. We want to love and be loved and often times the single life can leave one very lonely. There are some that rebel against marriage because they want to be free to hop around from lover to lover. Others don’t want the responsibility of a family and wish to pursue their career with no strings attached. But, this was not the case for the woman above. She felt forced into the single life and she does desire to be married and have children. She even mentioned that she is living in purity which I have to commend her on, because that is a whole other level of hard. Hard, but worth it. I feel it is only natural to want to be with someone and when that can’t or doesn’t happen, we tend to feel bad about ourselves. Not to mention, society makes you feel like you’re some kind of outcast leper.
Second, I think it’s important to remember that married life is not always idyllic or easier than the single life. Many, many couples live in loneliness and downright misery because something is amiss within the marriage. Marriage is a good thing and it should be celebrated, but if not done properly, it can also be a hard cross to bear. There is a reason why it is a sacrament; you need special graces to do it well and do it right. I don’t say this to diminish her pain, but I say it because we must remember that every state in life has its difficulties and crosses. While one may suffer greatly in the single life because of loneliness, barren wombs, and feelings of inadequacy; there are those that suffer in marriage because of loneliness, barren wombs, feelings of inadequacy, adultery, abandonment, etc. Just because there is a ring on one’s finger doesn’t mean the trials of life are any easier.
Third, let me just say: St. Joan of Arc, St. Patrick, St. Ignatius of Loyola, St. Francis Xavier, St. Catherine of Siena, St. Mother Teresa, St. Pope John Paul II, St. Jerome, St. Rose of Lima, St. Philip Neri, St. John the Baptist…I could go on and on and on. For thousands of years the world has been blessed and served by some of the most holy and Christ-like people and guess what? Most of them were single. Most saints are single. There are some married ones, but there is a freedom in the single life that allows one to do incredible and amazing things for the world. The Catholic Church doesn’t see the single life as a plague or a disease. No, in fact, it sees it as a possible vocation in life where great things can be done. Really, whether you are married or single, we all are called to live out our lives serving God and serving others well. For some, that may be in the family setting. For others, that may be going out into the world and serving the poor, needy, and unloved in a way that married people can’t.
I know that for someone hurting in the single life these words may fall on numb ears. I know that I can’t fully understand what it is like to have to live my days without someone to come home to. But, I do know that we are all made for a very important purpose and our marital or single status does not make us more or less worthy. We need people in all walks of life. This world needs good single people–desperately. This world needs good married couples–desperately. Maybe this world needs to do a better job of encouraging and supporting those that are living a chaste single life, especially those that are doing it through much sacrifice and suffering. No matter what our lives entail, we must work to live out God’s will; we must find ways to be the best we can be. Above all, we must find ways to live joyfully.
Those living the single life often get overlooked and we don’t even …
The post Is Married Life More Valuable Than the Single Life? appeared first on .
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What do you get a man for Valentine’s Day? There aren’t too many men I know of that like stuffed animals, bouquets of flowers or fancy jewelry. Quite honestly, Valentine’s Day seems more for the ladies. I pity the man who has a birthday on Valentine’s Day. Actually, I have an uncle whose birthday is on Valentine’s Day–poor soul.
I thought I’d brainstorm some ideas for a man based off the of The 5 Love Languages. If you haven’t read the book The 5 Love Languages, I highly recommend it. It really helps you understand your spouse and how best to show him or her love in a way that speaks to them.
The five love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Most people like to have love shown to them in one of these ways; some people have two. The important thing is to find what speaks to your spouse and try to do things in that area for them. So, if you have a general idea of what speaks love to your husband, here are some ideas for him for Valentine’s Day.
Words of Affirmation:
If your hubby likes to be complimented or hear words of praise, he is a words of affirmation guy. A fun idea for him would be to handwrite 25 reasons you love him. I did this for my husband when he was deployed. It doesn’t have to be an exhaustive list, but just enough to show him many of the reasons why you love him.
Acts of Service:
If your hubby feels loved when you actively do something for him, he is an acts of service guy. For Valentine’s Day, you could clean and detail his car for him, plus leave a love note. You could also make his favorite meal, topped off with his favorite dessert. It needs to be something where you go a little above and beyond. Most women already do the laundry and take out the trash from time-to-time. Go the extra mile for him.
Gifts:
On Valentine’s Day, my husband and I have a journal where we write down our favorite memory of the past year, a memory that wasn’t so great, and how we think the other has grown. We each write in a different colored pen. You could get a journal and start off by writing down five of your favorite memories of your life together. Then each year, start writing in it together and it will be a like a snapshot of that year for you. We love looking back on what was going on for us in a particular year that we had forgotten about. Grab a bottle of wine and once the kids are asleep, give him the book and let him read what you wrote. Then make it an annual Valentine’s Day tradition where you write together. Sometimes, we get so bogged down with the mundane things of life that we forget to reminisce about all those special times as a couple.
Quality Time:
Pick to do something out of the ordinary, like indoor rock climbing, go to an arcade, go-carts, or go play pool together. Men like to be active, so doing something fun with you will definitely make them smile. Valentine’s Day doesn’t always have to be about getting dressed up for a fancy dinner. Another idea, if you can, is to take a day hike and bring a picnic. He will appreciate that you picked out something that is up his alley.
If you have small kids and can’t go out, make dinner at home and once the kids are asleep play a board game. Put the phone away, turn off the TV and focus on each other.
Physical Touch:
I know what your thinking: That this love language is all about sex, but it isn’t. My husband is a physical touch guy, which means he loves hugs, kisses, holding hands, and having his head rubbed. It doesn’t always mean intimate time in the bedroom. For Valentine’s Day, you could give him a full body massage, complete with candles and music. To make it extra special, buy some chocolate covered strawberries.
Men aren’t too complicated and you don’t have to spend a ton of money on them. No matter what you do, they will appreciate the effort and thought that you put in. Sometimes it’s good to focus on them a little and let them know that they are loved and appreciated.
Have a love filled Valentine’s Day!…
The post Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas for Men Based Off Of The Five Love Languages appeared first on .
]]>What do you get a man for Valentine’s Day? There aren’t too many men I know of that like stuffed animals, bouquets of flowers or fancy jewelry. Quite honestly, Valentine’s Day seems more for the ladies. I pity the man who has a birthday on Valentine’s Day. Actually, I have an uncle whose birthday is on Valentine’s Day–poor soul.
I thought I’d brainstorm some ideas for a man based off the of The 5 Love Languages. If you haven’t read the book The 5 Love Languages, I highly recommend it. It really helps you understand your spouse and how best to show him or her love in a way that speaks to them.
The five love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Most people like to have love shown to them in one of these ways; some people have two. The important thing is to find what speaks to your spouse and try to do things in that area for them. So, if you have a general idea of what speaks love to your husband, here are some ideas for him for Valentine’s Day.
Words of Affirmation:
If your hubby likes to be complimented or hear words of praise, he is a words of affirmation guy. A fun idea for him would be to handwrite 25 reasons you love him. I did this for my husband when he was deployed. It doesn’t have to be an exhaustive list, but just enough to show him many of the reasons why you love him.
Acts of Service:
If your hubby feels loved when you actively do something for him, he is an acts of service guy. For Valentine’s Day, you could clean and detail his car for him, plus leave a love note. You could also make his favorite meal, topped off with his favorite dessert. It needs to be something where you go a little above and beyond. Most women already do the laundry and take out the trash from time-to-time. Go the extra mile for him.
Gifts:
On Valentine’s Day, my husband and I have a journal where we write down our favorite memory of the past year, a memory that wasn’t so great, and how we think the other has grown. We each write in a different colored pen. You could get a journal and start off by writing down five of your favorite memories of your life together. Then each year, start writing in it together and it will be a like a snapshot of that year for you. We love looking back on what was going on for us in a particular year that we had forgotten about. Grab a bottle of wine and once the kids are asleep, give him the book and let him read what you wrote. Then make it an annual Valentine’s Day tradition where you write together. Sometimes, we get so bogged down with the mundane things of life that we forget to reminisce about all those special times as a couple.
Quality Time:
Pick to do something out of the ordinary, like indoor rock climbing, go to an arcade, go-carts, or go play pool together. Men like to be active, so doing something fun with you will definitely make them smile. Valentine’s Day doesn’t always have to be about getting dressed up for a fancy dinner. Another idea, if you can, is to take a day hike and bring a picnic. He will appreciate that you picked out something that is up his alley.
If you have small kids and can’t go out, make dinner at home and once the kids are asleep play a board game. Put the phone away, turn off the TV and focus on each other.
Physical Touch:
I know what your thinking: That this love language is all about sex, but it isn’t. My husband is a physical touch guy, which means he loves hugs, kisses, holding hands, and having his head rubbed. It doesn’t always mean intimate time in the bedroom. For Valentine’s Day, you could give him a full body massage, complete with candles and music. To make it extra special, buy some chocolate covered strawberries.
Men aren’t too complicated and you don’t have to spend a ton of money on them. No matter what you do, they will appreciate the effort and thought that you put in. Sometimes it’s good to focus on them a little and let them know that they are loved and appreciated.
Have a love filled Valentine’s Day!…
The post Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas for Men Based Off Of The Five Love Languages appeared first on .
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I was in the parking lot of the BX (Base Exchange) the other day with my kids. As I was placing my goods in the car and getting my son buckled in, I heard loud shouting and cussing coming from somewhere in the parking lot. I couldn’t really hear what the person was so upset about, but I just wanted to get my kids in the car to save their ears from the man’s tirade. As I was getting in the car, a very angry man made his way to the car parked right in front of me. He was dressed in a nice suit, but what was coming out of his mouth was nothing but filth. I was one second away from telling him to watch his language, but at that exact moment, a woman came onto the scene.
She had been following behind her husband at a great distance. I could understand why. He was embarrassing her and quite possibly yelling at her. She had the look of a woman who had endured this for many years–the yelling, the hot temper, the insults, the words that cut like knives.
Her husband got in the car and slammed the door. As she passed in front of the car–her arms wrapped around her in a protective way–our eyes met. Her eyes full of sadness spoke volumes to me.
As she got in the car, she sat down and her husband immediately started in on her. I could tell he was yelling and cussing up a storm. She looked back up at me sitting across from her and I tried to tell her with my eyes that I cared. She hung her head and they drove away.
I used to be a counselor for victims of domestic violence and I know this story all too well. I know the look of a woman who has been through years of emotional abuse. It’s as if all the ugly words have squeezed out every ounce of self-esteem and self-confidence. Basically, they look unloved.
It angers me, because there is so little that can be done. The police can’t be bothered with emotional abuse–they are too busy dealing with all the other ways we, as humans, hurt each other.
Our words matter. They matter so much. We can lift up a life or we can cut it down. The manner in which we choose to speak to people says a lot about us. Our words reflect our souls.
I see so many married couples that use their words like a whip on the back of the one they claim to love. It’s such a sad, unnecessary tragedy. I always tell my children to listen to a person’s words and watch their actions. If the words and the actions are habitually opposed to each other, this is a person that cannot be trusted. I had boyfriends who proclaimed their love in words, yet their actions were hurtful and scarring. This is inconsistent and unhealthy for any relationship, not to mention terribly confusing.
Our marriages, and any relationship really, should not be a place where pain is the norm. If we say we love someone, we should always work to make them feel that love. A good man uses his words to lift up those around him. A good man always seeks to heal and help. A man is always at his best when he causes those around him to shine–sometimes even brighter than himself.
All of us–women and men–should always use our words and our actions to bring about love–especially in a marriage. Any person that I’ve ever met that has used words to cut people is not a joyful person. How could you be? Joy is not found in removing love from people’s lives.
“We can turn our heart through the words we say
Mountains crumble with every syllable
Hope can live or die”
Our words have power. Instinctively we know this, because if we are looking to make someone feel as rotten as we feel, we use words that reflect that darkness. If we have joy in our hearts and seek to love, our words are healing and helpful. At the times in my life when I have used words to hurt, I feel heavy–burdened. How light our hearts feel when our words bring life and love to someone.
I’ve been praying for the lady I saw–I know all too well the sting of painful words. I pray that her husband chooses to heal her broken heart. My heart was once broken, too, by boyfriends from my past. Upon entering my life, my husband spoke life and love to me and that has made all the difference. A person is truly strong when they choose to build up and not tear down.
“Look into the eyes of the broken hearted
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope, you speak love, you speak life.”
*Song lyrics are from Toby Mac’s song “Speak Life.”…
The post Our Words Have Power: Are We Using Them to Speak Love and Life? appeared first on .
]]>I was in the parking lot of the BX (Base Exchange) the other day with my kids. As I was placing my goods in the car and getting my son buckled in, I heard loud shouting and cussing coming from somewhere in the parking lot. I couldn’t really hear what the person was so upset about, but I just wanted to get my kids in the car to save their ears from the man’s tirade. As I was getting in the car, a very angry man made his way to the car parked right in front of me. He was dressed in a nice suit, but what was coming out of his mouth was nothing but filth. I was one second away from telling him to watch his language, but at that exact moment, a woman came onto the scene.
She had been following behind her husband at a great distance. I could understand why. He was embarrassing her and quite possibly yelling at her. She had the look of a woman who had endured this for many years–the yelling, the hot temper, the insults, the words that cut like knives.
Her husband got in the car and slammed the door. As she passed in front of the car–her arms wrapped around her in a protective way–our eyes met. Her eyes full of sadness spoke volumes to me.
As she got in the car, she sat down and her husband immediately started in on her. I could tell he was yelling and cussing up a storm. She looked back up at me sitting across from her and I tried to tell her with my eyes that I cared. She hung her head and they drove away.
I used to be a counselor for victims of domestic violence and I know this story all too well. I know the look of a woman who has been through years of emotional abuse. It’s as if all the ugly words have squeezed out every ounce of self-esteem and self-confidence. Basically, they look unloved.
It angers me, because there is so little that can be done. The police can’t be bothered with emotional abuse–they are too busy dealing with all the other ways we, as humans, hurt each other.
Our words matter. They matter so much. We can lift up a life or we can cut it down. The manner in which we choose to speak to people says a lot about us. Our words reflect our souls.
I see so many married couples that use their words like a whip on the back of the one they claim to love. It’s such a sad, unnecessary tragedy. I always tell my children to listen to a person’s words and watch their actions. If the words and the actions are habitually opposed to each other, this is a person that cannot be trusted. I had boyfriends who proclaimed their love in words, yet their actions were hurtful and scarring. This is inconsistent and unhealthy for any relationship, not to mention terribly confusing.
Our marriages, and any relationship really, should not be a place where pain is the norm. If we say we love someone, we should always work to make them feel that love. A good man uses his words to lift up those around him. A good man always seeks to heal and help. A man is always at his best when he causes those around him to shine–sometimes even brighter than himself.
All of us–women and men–should always use our words and our actions to bring about love–especially in a marriage. Any person that I’ve ever met that has used words to cut people is not a joyful person. How could you be? Joy is not found in removing love from people’s lives.
“We can turn our heart through the words we say
Mountains crumble with every syllable
Hope can live or die”
Our words have power. Instinctively we know this, because if we are looking to make someone feel as rotten as we feel, we use words that reflect that darkness. If we have joy in our hearts and seek to love, our words are healing and helpful. At the times in my life when I have used words to hurt, I feel heavy–burdened. How light our hearts feel when our words bring life and love to someone.
I’ve been praying for the lady I saw–I know all too well the sting of painful words. I pray that her husband chooses to heal her broken heart. My heart was once broken, too, by boyfriends from my past. Upon entering my life, my husband spoke life and love to me and that has made all the difference. A person is truly strong when they choose to build up and not tear down.
“Look into the eyes of the broken hearted
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope, you speak love, you speak life.”
*Song lyrics are from Toby Mac’s song “Speak Life.”…
The post Our Words Have Power: Are We Using Them to Speak Love and Life? appeared first on .
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I’ve been my husband’s personal barber now for 17 years. We started dating in Air Force ROTC in college and to save a little bit of money, we thought it would be a good idea for me to start cutting his hair. I’d never donned clippers before, but it seemed like a great idea. That first time….oh my. It was so bad that he looked like he had mange. It was awful. It’s a wonder he didn’t leave me based on my severe lack of hair-cutting ability. Even our commander noticed it and had to make a smart-alec remark about it. I thought Dustin would never let me cut his hair again. But, he bought me a video, sat me down to get some instruction, and trusted me again with his hair. He’s a good man.
This weekend, I was cutting his hair and I stopped to think of all the times I’ve cut his hair now after 17 years. The other thing I noticed was the graying around his temples. I don’t say that to be funny or poke fun at him, heck, I’ve got my fair share. But, I thought back to those first months of dating and how we were just 21-year old kids and, now, as the years roll by I’m watching him change. It makes me a little sad because it really doesn’t seem that long ago that we were college lovebirds. It, also, made me so very happy, because I’ve been the one to be by his side to see him grow and change. I’m the one he has chosen to grow old with and I get to be witness to all the big details and the little details.
No one else will have the privilege of being there, at the start, when his hair was as dark brown as it comes to when all the color fades.
That is my honor as his wife.
Parents have the unique experience of watching their children grow fast and furious. They come out as helpless babies and in 18 fast years, they are adults, making their way. The changes in them happen so fast that you almost feel like you are always trying to keep up with them. One day your daughter is twirling around in her princess dress; the next second she’s learning to put on make-up and wearing your clothes. One day your son is taking your face in his chubby hands and giving you sloppy kisses; the next second he is taller than you and has the voice of a man.
Spouses, though, we have the unique experience of watching our spouse change year-by-year ever so slowly. My gray hairs graced me with their presence during my husband’s deployment. The wrinkles around my eyes are from all the laughs we’ve had together with our children and between ourselves. My scar across my abdomen is from the emergency c-section I went through when our second child decided to come too early, breech, and with a prolapsed cord.
I know where all Dustin’s scars are and injuries have been. I was there when he broke his toe playing football on the beach. He had to have pins put in it and it was a gruesome sight. I was there when he came home with a broken wrist; a little memento he picked up from snowboarding for the first time. I’ve seen the gray hairs sprinkle throughout his hair over the years, making him look more distinguished than ever. I’ve been present through injuries he’s faced while trying to challenge himself through fitness.
It’s as if our bodies, in some ways, tell the story of our life together.
There are days now when I look in the mirror and I criticize every little thing. I notice the grays, the wrinkles, the this, the that. I bemoan the fact that I don’t look like a 20-year old anymore. In these moments, Dustin always looks at me and tells me that I’m more beautiful now than the day we started dating. Half the time, I tell him he’s just being nice, but deep down I know he is speaking the truth because I feel the same way about him. The first time I saw him, he was the most handsome man I had ever seen. I’m pretty sure I swooned or something. Yet, now, seventeen years later, he is even more handsome in my eyes, but not just physically. I see him from all layers–his looks, his integrity, the fact that he is my children’s father, his goodness, and the joy he brings to my life.
He is my story. He is the keeper of my memories of a life together.
Dustin and I are still young. I hope we are always young at heart. However, each day we are growing older. But, we are growing older together and I find this journey truly beautiful.…
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]]>I’ve been my husband’s personal barber now for 17 years. We started dating in Air Force ROTC in college and to save a little bit of money, we thought it would be a good idea for me to start cutting his hair. I’d never donned clippers before, but it seemed like a great idea. That first time….oh my. It was so bad that he looked like he had mange. It was awful. It’s a wonder he didn’t leave me based on my severe lack of hair-cutting ability. Even our commander noticed it and had to make a smart-alec remark about it. I thought Dustin would never let me cut his hair again. But, he bought me a video, sat me down to get some instruction, and trusted me again with his hair. He’s a good man.
This weekend, I was cutting his hair and I stopped to think of all the times I’ve cut his hair now after 17 years. The other thing I noticed was the graying around his temples. I don’t say that to be funny or poke fun at him, heck, I’ve got my fair share. But, I thought back to those first months of dating and how we were just 21-year old kids and, now, as the years roll by I’m watching him change. It makes me a little sad because it really doesn’t seem that long ago that we were college lovebirds. It, also, made me so very happy, because I’ve been the one to be by his side to see him grow and change. I’m the one he has chosen to grow old with and I get to be witness to all the big details and the little details.
No one else will have the privilege of being there, at the start, when his hair was as dark brown as it comes to when all the color fades.
That is my honor as his wife.
Parents have the unique experience of watching their children grow fast and furious. They come out as helpless babies and in 18 fast years, they are adults, making their way. The changes in them happen so fast that you almost feel like you are always trying to keep up with them. One day your daughter is twirling around in her princess dress; the next second she’s learning to put on make-up and wearing your clothes. One day your son is taking your face in his chubby hands and giving you sloppy kisses; the next second he is taller than you and has the voice of a man.
Spouses, though, we have the unique experience of watching our spouse change year-by-year ever so slowly. My gray hairs graced me with their presence during my husband’s deployment. The wrinkles around my eyes are from all the laughs we’ve had together with our children and between ourselves. My scar across my abdomen is from the emergency c-section I went through when our second child decided to come too early, breech, and with a prolapsed cord.
I know where all Dustin’s scars are and injuries have been. I was there when he broke his toe playing football on the beach. He had to have pins put in it and it was a gruesome sight. I was there when he came home with a broken wrist; a little memento he picked up from snowboarding for the first time. I’ve seen the gray hairs sprinkle throughout his hair over the years, making him look more distinguished than ever. I’ve been present through injuries he’s faced while trying to challenge himself through fitness.
It’s as if our bodies, in some ways, tell the story of our life together.
There are days now when I look in the mirror and I criticize every little thing. I notice the grays, the wrinkles, the this, the that. I bemoan the fact that I don’t look like a 20-year old anymore. In these moments, Dustin always looks at me and tells me that I’m more beautiful now than the day we started dating. Half the time, I tell him he’s just being nice, but deep down I know he is speaking the truth because I feel the same way about him. The first time I saw him, he was the most handsome man I had ever seen. I’m pretty sure I swooned or something. Yet, now, seventeen years later, he is even more handsome in my eyes, but not just physically. I see him from all layers–his looks, his integrity, the fact that he is my children’s father, his goodness, and the joy he brings to my life.
He is my story. He is the keeper of my memories of a life together.
Dustin and I are still young. I hope we are always young at heart. However, each day we are growing older. But, we are growing older together and I find this journey truly beautiful.…
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I love beautiful things. Mostly I love finding beauty in human stories; those stories that bring tears to our eyes, because they are so good, so true….so beautiful. I love listening to my grandmother read a poem or a card received from a loved one. If it moves her, tears well in her eyes and I know that she had been touched. I love it about her, because I always know when something gets into her soul. I’m a lot like her in that way. Beautiful examples of love make it difficult for me to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks.
This weekend, my husband and I went to see the movie Hacksaw Ridge. A truly excellent movie based off a true story. My favorite part of the movie (spoiler alert) is when Private Desmond Doss is sitting in the darkness of night at the brink of a ridge. He was a conscienctious objector, who refused to carry a weapon in war for religious purposes, yet he wanted to serve. He was a medic. Anyway, at this point in the movie, he is sitting on the ridge. The rest of what remained of his unit had gone back to base, unaware that he was still up on top of the ridge. He sits there in the dark, dirty, scared out of his mind, and he offers up a prayer to God. He says, “God, what is it that you want from me? What do you want me to do? I can’t hear your voice.”
Then in the darkness he hears, “Help me.” He can hear wounded soldiers on the field yelling for help; for someone to come back for them and save them. And Desmond says, “Alright, Lord, I hear you,” and without weapon or backup he heads back onto the battlefield to look for wounded men. In the end, he rescues 75 men that otherwise would have died alone, suffering on the battlefield. He didn’t eat during the whole time, he scarred up his hands terribly, he used up every ounce of his energy for the men he saved. It was truly miraculous. As I sat there watching this, I thought to myself, “This man imitated Christ with his whole being.”
Desmond Doss gave his body for his fellow soldiers and it was truly a beautiful thing. I couldn’t hold back the tears.
At church this weekend when the priest was saying the words of consecration, I thought of all those situations where we see humans imitating Christ by giving their bodies fully, faithfully, and freely.
“This is my body, given up for you.”
We see it in a woman who finds out she has life growing within her. Out of love she says to that baby, “This is my body, given for you.” As any mother knows, we give our bodies continually for our children, because our love for them is unexplainable. There is such beauty in a woman giving her body for the new life within her womb where she offers safety, shelter, and love.
We see it in a soldier laying down his life for his country and freedom. It is the ultimate sacrifice to give our lives for another. I saw beauty in the tears that streamed down my late grandfather’s face as he recounted the sacrifices of so many of his brothers-in-arms. I see in the internal struggle of my other grandfather who wrestles with what he witnessed.
We see it in man or woman that waits until their wedding night. They have saved their body and soul for their future spouse. They have practiced discipline and self-restraint all for love of their spouse long before they knew them. On their wedding night they can say, “This is my body, saved for you and only you. I freely give it to you.”
We see it in people like St. Maxilliam Kolbe who gave his life for a fellow man in the Nazi concentration camps. Upon hearing that a father was going to be put to death, Maxilliam Kolbe, a priest, offered his life instead. The Nazi guards accepted the trade. Can you imagine doing that for a stranger?
We see it in people like St. Mother Teresa who gave her entire body in service of helping those that society had forgotten. She once pulled a woman off a trash pile. The woman was dying and Mother Teresa took her to a hospital and fought with the hospital staff to acquire care for her. Finally relinquishing to Mother’s request, they treated the woman and she lived. When asked how she ended up on the garbage pile, the woman replied, “My son put me there.” There was that poor, cast out woman left for dead by those that should have loved her. Yet, she was saved by love–by a beautiful, life-giving love that said she mattered.
We see it in the married couple that offers each other unconditional love and sacrifice. They strive to imitate Christ by offering forgiveness, serving each other like Christ serves us, and caring for the other’s soul. At their wedding, they echoed Christ when they said, “This is my body, my life, my everything and I offer it freely to you.” There is beauty and power in married life when we open ourselves to it.
We see it in the firefighter who rushes into a burning building to save another. They give their bodies in service of another. How many of us still weep when we hear the stories of the firefighters that rushed into the Twin Towers to save countrymen? No less deserving of our respect are police officers and paramedics. So many times, they put others first. Heroism is beautiful.
There are many other stories of people truly living out Christ’s example. These stories touch our soul, because it is so counter to what the world tells us to do. The world wants us to focus on ourselves and take care of me, myself, and …
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I love beautiful things. Mostly I love finding beauty in human stories; those stories that bring tears to our eyes, because they are so good, so true….so beautiful. I love listening to my grandmother read a poem or a card received from a loved one. If it moves her, tears well in her eyes and I know that she had been touched. I love it about her, because I always know when something gets into her soul. I’m a lot like her in that way. Beautiful examples of love make it difficult for me to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks.
This weekend, my husband and I went to see the movie Hacksaw Ridge. A truly excellent movie based off a true story. My favorite part of the movie (spoiler alert) is when Private Desmond Doss is sitting in the darkness of night at the brink of a ridge. He was a conscienctious objector, who refused to carry a weapon in war for religious purposes, yet he wanted to serve. He was a medic. Anyway, at this point in the movie, he is sitting on the ridge. The rest of what remained of his unit had gone back to base, unaware that he was still up on top of the ridge. He sits there in the dark, dirty, scared out of his mind, and he offers up a prayer to God. He says, “God, what is it that you want from me? What do you want me to do? I can’t hear your voice.”
Then in the darkness he hears, “Help me.” He can hear wounded soldiers on the field yelling for help; for someone to come back for them and save them. And Desmond says, “Alright, Lord, I hear you,” and without weapon or backup he heads back onto the battlefield to look for wounded men. In the end, he rescues 75 men that otherwise would have died alone, suffering on the battlefield. He didn’t eat during the whole time, he scarred up his hands terribly, he used up every ounce of his energy for the men he saved. It was truly miraculous. As I sat there watching this, I thought to myself, “This man imitated Christ with his whole being.”
Desmond Doss gave his body for his fellow soldiers and it was truly a beautiful thing. I couldn’t hold back the tears.
At church this weekend when the priest was saying the words of consecration, I thought of all those situations where we see humans imitating Christ by giving their bodies fully, faithfully, and freely.
“This is my body, given up for you.”
We see it in a woman who finds out she has life growing within her. Out of love she says to that baby, “This is my body, given for you.” As any mother knows, we give our bodies continually for our children, because our love for them is unexplainable. There is such beauty in a woman giving her body for the new life within her womb where she offers safety, shelter, and love.
We see it in a soldier laying down his life for his country and freedom. It is the ultimate sacrifice to give our lives for another. I saw beauty in the tears that streamed down my late grandfather’s face as he recounted the sacrifices of so many of his brothers-in-arms. I see in the internal struggle of my other grandfather who wrestles with what he witnessed.
We see it in man or woman that waits until their wedding night. They have saved their body and soul for their future spouse. They have practiced discipline and self-restraint all for love of their spouse long before they knew them. On their wedding night they can say, “This is my body, saved for you and only you. I freely give it to you.”
We see it in people like St. Maxilliam Kolbe who gave his life for a fellow man in the Nazi concentration camps. Upon hearing that a father was going to be put to death, Maxilliam Kolbe, a priest, offered his life instead. The Nazi guards accepted the trade. Can you imagine doing that for a stranger?
We see it in people like St. Mother Teresa who gave her entire body in service of helping those that society had forgotten. She once pulled a woman off a trash pile. The woman was dying and Mother Teresa took her to a hospital and fought with the hospital staff to acquire care for her. Finally relinquishing to Mother’s request, they treated the woman and she lived. When asked how she ended up on the garbage pile, the woman replied, “My son put me there.” There was that poor, cast out woman left for dead by those that should have loved her. Yet, she was saved by love–by a beautiful, life-giving love that said she mattered.
We see it in the married couple that offers each other unconditional love and sacrifice. They strive to imitate Christ by offering forgiveness, serving each other like Christ serves us, and caring for the other’s soul. At their wedding, they echoed Christ when they said, “This is my body, my life, my everything and I offer it freely to you.” There is beauty and power in married life when we open ourselves to it.
We see it in the firefighter who rushes into a burning building to save another. They give their bodies in service of another. How many of us still weep when we hear the stories of the firefighters that rushed into the Twin Towers to save countrymen? No less deserving of our respect are police officers and paramedics. So many times, they put others first. Heroism is beautiful.
There are many other stories of people truly living out Christ’s example. These stories touch our soul, because it is so counter to what the world tells us to do. The world wants us to focus on ourselves and take care of me, myself, and …
The post The Beauty in Sacrificing Our Bodies for Love of Another appeared first on .
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If October’s Featured Married Couple doesn’t make you feel warm and fuzzy inside, well, you may need to see a doctor. Lindsay and Vinnie just celebrated their one year anniversary on September 5th, but their marriage has the wisdom and beauty of a veteran couple. Reading through their answers gave me a renewed hope in the future of marriage–there are those that get what it’s all about. Lindsay and Vinnie have a unique marriage in that Vinnie is away much of the time serving as a merchant mariner in the Mediterranean Sea. While Vinnie is away, Lindsay holds down the fort at their home in Connecticut. She owns a business called JustLovePrints where she makes beautiful works of art using religious quotes. I have several of her things in my home, which is how we came to know one another. You’re gonna fall in love with this couple and may we all learn from them the sheer joy of selfless love.
How long have you been married?
Lindsay — We recently celebrated our first anniversary on September 5!
Vinnie — It feels as if the day before yesterday we were just dating, yesterday we were engaged and planning our wedding, and today we are one year married! For me, the year absolutely flew by but for Lindsay it felt like the longest year (in a good way), because we were blessed to be able to go on so many adventures across the country together.
What did you do for your first date?
Vinnie — We went on a double date with my roommate and Lindsay’s best friend who had initially introduced us to each other. We ended up walking through NYC and going to a little Italian place I knew of for dinner. Being around Lindsay was uncannily easy. Where I had previously been calculating and constantly trying to work out what to say next or how to act cool next, I was simply able to be myself and immensely enjoyed it. This caused my interactions with Lindsay to flow so easily and enjoyably. Definitely not my doing, but the Holy Spirit’s.
Lindsay, what initially attracted you to Vinnie?
What attracted me to Vinnie is that he really took his time getting to know me. We did not jump into a relationship. We took our sweet time forming a solid friendship. I liked that during our Skype calls he would ask me lots of questions to get to know me…and he would really listen and take everything in. He appreciated me for who I was – all of the weird, complicated, happy, sad, funny things that make me who I am. I didn’t have to pretend around him.
Vinnie, what initially attracted you to Lindsay?
Definitely her laugh and the fact she was always making me genuinely laugh. What really glued me to Lindsay though, was how readily she professed being Catholic. I confess, growing up I was a Catholic kid in a Baptist elementary school and then Catholic High School. I figured everyone was pretty much Catholic or some form of Christian and I would be able to pretty easily find a partner who wanted to continue living their lives on the rock. But college exposed me to an incredibly turbulent world in which I could not find a young woman who wanted Catholicism, let alone the faith in Jesus. So I was shown a diamond in the rough with Lindsay. Also, I don’t remember a specific time, but I want to say shortly after just meeting, we started praying together over Skype and I have to say this was a most special and bonding interaction. I had not ever experienced that with any other girlfriend before.
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Lindsay — I think the most surprising thing for me has been how easily we’ve gotten along since moving into our apartment after our honeymoon. Society tries to warn you that if you don’t “play house” prior to marriage, you’re in for a rude awakening. That definitely has not been the case for us. Though we each have had to make some small adjustments, every day has been a huge blessing and an adventure together.
Vinnie — Grace. They say marriage is a sacrament; that it brings grace and all. But, truly I never quite knew what that was supposed to mean until I received God’s grace in so many moments when the worst of me would have come out and hurt our marriage. Instead, God’s grace was able to make it so much more loving, caring, and selfless. I really do receive life when I choose to lose life. Or rather, when I give up (by grace) what I want, how I want, and “My way!” (which is all I did as a child), I received a strange sense of fulfillment and real happiness. This compounds itself and things turn out better every time than if I try forcing “my way.” So these little graces have really turned my life upside down, but Jesus has a habit of doing that.
You two have a unique set of circumstances, talk a little about how you deal with the time apart.
Lindsay — Vinnie is a Marine Engineer and is currently stationed on a ship in the Mediterranean Sea. We spend 28 days apart, and then 28 days together. Although we’ve been dealing with distance since we met in college (we went to different schools, and he went home to California on his breaks – while I stayed in New York) it’s still heartbreaking when it comes time for him to leave for work. When he’s away, I try to keep busy with my two businesses and visiting my family on weekends. I also try to think of and pray for military wives and husbands who sacrifice so much more than we do!
Vinnie — Well, Lindsay has been living this routine with me since we met in 2010. One of the reasons I …
The post October’s Featured Married Couple: Lindsay and Vinnie “Marry Your Best Friend” appeared first on .
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If October’s Featured Married Couple doesn’t make you feel warm and fuzzy inside, well, you may need to see a doctor. Lindsay and Vinnie just celebrated their one year anniversary on September 5th, but their marriage has the wisdom and beauty of a veteran couple. Reading through their answers gave me a renewed hope in the future of marriage–there are those that get what it’s all about. Lindsay and Vinnie have a unique marriage in that Vinnie is away much of the time serving as a merchant mariner in the Mediterranean Sea. While Vinnie is away, Lindsay holds down the fort at their home in Connecticut. She owns a business called JustLovePrints where she makes beautiful works of art using religious quotes. I have several of her things in my home, which is how we came to know one another. You’re gonna fall in love with this couple and may we all learn from them the sheer joy of selfless love.
How long have you been married?
Lindsay — We recently celebrated our first anniversary on September 5!
Vinnie — It feels as if the day before yesterday we were just dating, yesterday we were engaged and planning our wedding, and today we are one year married! For me, the year absolutely flew by but for Lindsay it felt like the longest year (in a good way), because we were blessed to be able to go on so many adventures across the country together.
What did you do for your first date?
Vinnie — We went on a double date with my roommate and Lindsay’s best friend who had initially introduced us to each other. We ended up walking through NYC and going to a little Italian place I knew of for dinner. Being around Lindsay was uncannily easy. Where I had previously been calculating and constantly trying to work out what to say next or how to act cool next, I was simply able to be myself and immensely enjoyed it. This caused my interactions with Lindsay to flow so easily and enjoyably. Definitely not my doing, but the Holy Spirit’s.
Lindsay, what initially attracted you to Vinnie?
What attracted me to Vinnie is that he really took his time getting to know me. We did not jump into a relationship. We took our sweet time forming a solid friendship. I liked that during our Skype calls he would ask me lots of questions to get to know me…and he would really listen and take everything in. He appreciated me for who I was – all of the weird, complicated, happy, sad, funny things that make me who I am. I didn’t have to pretend around him.
Vinnie, what initially attracted you to Lindsay?
Definitely her laugh and the fact she was always making me genuinely laugh. What really glued me to Lindsay though, was how readily she professed being Catholic. I confess, growing up I was a Catholic kid in a Baptist elementary school and then Catholic High School. I figured everyone was pretty much Catholic or some form of Christian and I would be able to pretty easily find a partner who wanted to continue living their lives on the rock. But college exposed me to an incredibly turbulent world in which I could not find a young woman who wanted Catholicism, let alone the faith in Jesus. So I was shown a diamond in the rough with Lindsay. Also, I don’t remember a specific time, but I want to say shortly after just meeting, we started praying together over Skype and I have to say this was a most special and bonding interaction. I had not ever experienced that with any other girlfriend before.
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Lindsay — I think the most surprising thing for me has been how easily we’ve gotten along since moving into our apartment after our honeymoon. Society tries to warn you that if you don’t “play house” prior to marriage, you’re in for a rude awakening. That definitely has not been the case for us. Though we each have had to make some small adjustments, every day has been a huge blessing and an adventure together.
Vinnie — Grace. They say marriage is a sacrament; that it brings grace and all. But, truly I never quite knew what that was supposed to mean until I received God’s grace in so many moments when the worst of me would have come out and hurt our marriage. Instead, God’s grace was able to make it so much more loving, caring, and selfless. I really do receive life when I choose to lose life. Or rather, when I give up (by grace) what I want, how I want, and “My way!” (which is all I did as a child), I received a strange sense of fulfillment and real happiness. This compounds itself and things turn out better every time than if I try forcing “my way.” So these little graces have really turned my life upside down, but Jesus has a habit of doing that.
You two have a unique set of circumstances, talk a little about how you deal with the time apart.
Lindsay — Vinnie is a Marine Engineer and is currently stationed on a ship in the Mediterranean Sea. We spend 28 days apart, and then 28 days together. Although we’ve been dealing with distance since we met in college (we went to different schools, and he went home to California on his breaks – while I stayed in New York) it’s still heartbreaking when it comes time for him to leave for work. When he’s away, I try to keep busy with my two businesses and visiting my family on weekends. I also try to think of and pray for military wives and husbands who sacrifice so much more than we do!
Vinnie — Well, Lindsay has been living this routine with me since we met in 2010. One of the reasons I …
The post October’s Featured Married Couple: Lindsay and Vinnie “Marry Your Best Friend” appeared first on .
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There are many things in the Bible that cause a lot of emotions in me. Sadness, gratitude, awe, devotion, immense love, confusion, and, sometimes, anger are all emotions I have felt when reading different passages. There is one thing in the Bible, however, that almost always gives me heart palpitations when I read it. I get a lump in my throat. It can even bring tears to my eyes.
In Matthew 22:24-30, the Sadducees pose a question to Jesus about a woman being married to seven different men, all at different times. They want to know who she will be married to in heaven when she dies. Jesus answers:
“At the resurrection, they neither marry nor are given in marriage but are like the angels in heaven.”
Most of my heart screams out, “Noooooooooo!!!! Jesus, what are you saying? Are you trying to crush my heart?”
Here’s the thing: I’m madly, deeply in love with my husband and I just can’t imagine not being married to him in Heaven. I just cannot imagine it. What do Jesus’ words mean? When I get to Heaven and I see Dustin am I going to just pass by him and say, “Hey, what’s up?” Like we were never one? Here come those heart palpitations again.
I have thought about this a lot…a….lot. Here’s how my thoughts go.
“Jesus was just kidding, right? Right? RIGHT?!”
“Jesus didn’t mean that like it came out.” Lord have mercy on me because I’m telling God He didn’t really mean what He said.
“Marriage has a different name in Heaven. It’s called…it’s called…well, it’s called marreaven. Get it? Marriage and Heaven combined.” I was reaching here–really reaching.
The reality is, is that I have to take Christ at His words. He says there is no marriage in Heaven and I have to believe Him. When I calm down enough to think about it, I know it must be true because of what marriage means here on earth. Marriage is a sacrament where a man and woman join together to become one flesh. The purpose of marriage is to love each other as Christ loves us. We are to help our spouse get to Heaven and when marriage is done right, it can sanctify us. Marriage should mirror the love that Christ has for his Church. Many times the Church is referred to as the bride, Christ is the bridegroom. Marriage mirrors that–or at least it should. Marriage also is to bring about new life. It is where new souls are created through the love of a man and woman.
When I think about it, well, neither one of these things are needed in Heaven. In Heaven, you don’t need a sacrament to mirror anything, because sacraments are things that point towards and guide us to Christ. Sacraments would be pointless in Heaven because all the angels and Saints there get it. They get it, because, well…they’re there. Also, in Heaven, babies aren’t being born; there is no labor and delivery room. Basically, in Heaven, there is no need for marriage anymore. So, what does this mean?
You know, I don’t know. Nobody does. What I do know is that Heaven is better than anything I can imagine. In my limited human mind, the best I can come up with for me and my husband is marriage in Heaven. I wonder, though, if that oneness Dustin and I experience here on earth is magnified and more glorious in Heaven. I wonder…
What’s important for me to remember is that while I want and like the idea of Dustin and I still being married in Heaven, Jesus says that it’s not like that there. I can’t just ignore Christ’s words and go along with my own made-up version of what I think it will be like. When I do that I set my marriage up as an idol, which I must never do. I must trust that Christ will give Dustin and me something even better than what we’ve experienced in this life. I must trust that Dustin and I will know each other in Heaven and that the love we shared on earth will be even greater in Heaven. Earth has its limits: It has sadness, frustration, annoyance, arguing, selfishness, failings and faults. Those things won’t be in Heaven, which will hopefully allow Dustin and I to experience our love in an even more fulfilling, joyful way.
God bound Dustin and me on our wedding day in a way that only God can bind us–supernaturally. We are not allowed to break that bond in this earthly life, I can’t imagine God would make us unknown to each other in Heaven. I trust that what awaits us there is greater than my human mind can imagine.
…
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]]>There are many things in the Bible that cause a lot of emotions in me. Sadness, gratitude, awe, devotion, immense love, confusion, and, sometimes, anger are all emotions I have felt when reading different passages. There is one thing in the Bible, however, that almost always gives me heart palpitations when I read it. I get a lump in my throat. It can even bring tears to my eyes.
In Matthew 22:24-30, the Sadducees pose a question to Jesus about a woman being married to seven different men, all at different times. They want to know who she will be married to in heaven when she dies. Jesus answers:
“At the resurrection, they neither marry nor are given in marriage but are like the angels in heaven.”
Most of my heart screams out, “Noooooooooo!!!! Jesus, what are you saying? Are you trying to crush my heart?”
Here’s the thing: I’m madly, deeply in love with my husband and I just can’t imagine not being married to him in Heaven. I just cannot imagine it. What do Jesus’ words mean? When I get to Heaven and I see Dustin am I going to just pass by him and say, “Hey, what’s up?” Like we were never one? Here come those heart palpitations again.
I have thought about this a lot…a….lot. Here’s how my thoughts go.
“Jesus was just kidding, right? Right? RIGHT?!”
“Jesus didn’t mean that like it came out.” Lord have mercy on me because I’m telling God He didn’t really mean what He said.
“Marriage has a different name in Heaven. It’s called…it’s called…well, it’s called marreaven. Get it? Marriage and Heaven combined.” I was reaching here–really reaching.
The reality is, is that I have to take Christ at His words. He says there is no marriage in Heaven and I have to believe Him. When I calm down enough to think about it, I know it must be true because of what marriage means here on earth. Marriage is a sacrament where a man and woman join together to become one flesh. The purpose of marriage is to love each other as Christ loves us. We are to help our spouse get to Heaven and when marriage is done right, it can sanctify us. Marriage should mirror the love that Christ has for his Church. Many times the Church is referred to as the bride, Christ is the bridegroom. Marriage mirrors that–or at least it should. Marriage also is to bring about new life. It is where new souls are created through the love of a man and woman.
When I think about it, well, neither one of these things are needed in Heaven. In Heaven, you don’t need a sacrament to mirror anything, because sacraments are things that point towards and guide us to Christ. Sacraments would be pointless in Heaven because all the angels and Saints there get it. They get it, because, well…they’re there. Also, in Heaven, babies aren’t being born; there is no labor and delivery room. Basically, in Heaven, there is no need for marriage anymore. So, what does this mean?
You know, I don’t know. Nobody does. What I do know is that Heaven is better than anything I can imagine. In my limited human mind, the best I can come up with for me and my husband is marriage in Heaven. I wonder, though, if that oneness Dustin and I experience here on earth is magnified and more glorious in Heaven. I wonder…
What’s important for me to remember is that while I want and like the idea of Dustin and I still being married in Heaven, Jesus says that it’s not like that there. I can’t just ignore Christ’s words and go along with my own made-up version of what I think it will be like. When I do that I set my marriage up as an idol, which I must never do. I must trust that Christ will give Dustin and me something even better than what we’ve experienced in this life. I must trust that Dustin and I will know each other in Heaven and that the love we shared on earth will be even greater in Heaven. Earth has its limits: It has sadness, frustration, annoyance, arguing, selfishness, failings and faults. Those things won’t be in Heaven, which will hopefully allow Dustin and I to experience our love in an even more fulfilling, joyful way.
God bound Dustin and me on our wedding day in a way that only God can bind us–supernaturally. We are not allowed to break that bond in this earthly life, I can’t imagine God would make us unknown to each other in Heaven. I trust that what awaits us there is greater than my human mind can imagine.
…
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July’s Featured Married Couple is Ernest and Sarah. I met them while we were stationed together at Edwards AFB and now we are stationed together again. Small world…even smaller Air Force. They are a beautiful couple that have been married for 13 years. They met at the Air Force Academy and married three days after graduating from there. They both serve their country, but they also serve the Church by reaching out to married couples through Marriage Encounter. You can just tell that they understand what it takes to be married and they want to share their joy with others. Ernest and Sarah have three amazing kids: Eve (11), Glory (10), and Ernesto (7). Their answers on marriage are extremely touching and definitely ones to take to heart.
What did you do on your first date?
Sarah–We hung out a lot on the Academy grounds when we started dating, but our first real date was to Carrabas. We were sophomores and couldn’t have our own car so it took a little while before we found someone willing to lend us their car for a date. Our time spent together at this time revolved around a lot of in depth discussions trying to get to know one another on a deeper level.
We met the first day of college and had rooms right next door to each other. The first day, Ernest and his roommate came over to say “Hi!” Over the next couple weeks, because our rooms were close we hung out quite a bit. Ernest was shy, but I could tell right away that he was very intelligent. I thought that he was cute even with the buzz cut that all freshmen boys got. But what really made me look at him more than any other guy at school was his love for his family and his interest in mine. My family was then, and always has been, one of my highest priorities and it was refreshing to get to know someone who held that same priority.
Ernest–Sarah and I started out as just friends. As we hung out more, I was attracted to her energy and how much fun she was. As we got closer, I could tell how much she cared for others, much more than herself. She was extremely selfless and compassionate, and those were inspiring qualities for me–traits that I wish I had.
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Ernest–For me, the most surprising thing about marriage is how our relationship, our attitudes, even different aspects of ourselves have changed over time. I love Sarah in a much different way than when we started out. For one, I love her more than when we got married, which is a real shock for me. I love different things about her. She’s still selfless and deeply connected with God, but I love how she tries to be a better mom and wife everyday. I love how she’s raised our kids to behave and more importantly, to know God. I see a lot of great qualities in our kids that I know are inherited or learned from her.
In your opinion, what is the hardest thing about marriage?
Ernest and Sarah–The hardest thing about marriage that we have seen is communication. It is essential to everything you do as a couple. It is almost impossible to meld two people’s thoughts, plans, and desires into one so the two of you can be one team. In order to do this we must communicate clearly to one another. Communication comes in many different forms. We have learned over time to change the ways we communicate. For example, the way we fight has changed. We still have disagreements about many of the same subjects; how to raise our kids or spending money. The difference is that now we can mostly discuss these topics from different perspectives but still part of the same team. We’ve also learned that it’s important to communicate beyond the superficial conversations. When we started having kids and were both working, we’d go weeks where the only things we said to each other was what we needed to get by. For example, like who was taking the kids to school, what was for dinner, or when would we be getting home. We didn’t talk about if someone was frustrated by work, exhausted by our schedule, or felt lonely or isolated from the other. We’ve learned that it’s important to discuss our feelings with each other everyday.
What do you believe is the purpose of marriage?
We believe that marriage is a sacrament. In accepting this sacrament, we chose to live our lives together building a family and raising our children to know and respect God.
Sarah–It is my calling to be a wife and mother. I am called to give my family my time, love, and care. I am called to love and respect my husband and support him while he supports our family. I am called to teach my children respect, the value of hard work, and that God is their number one priority.
Ernest–It’s my calling to be a good husband and father–to be an example of God’s love for my family. In different ways, I sacrifice my own comfort or wants to make sure Sarah and our kids know they are loved and that they will be taken care of. I guess this is a pretty big question; there’s a lot I could say here. I guess my purpose in marriage encapsulates almost everything I do and why I do it.
How do you incorporate God into your marriage?
Ernest and Sarah–God is part of every day of our lives. As a family we pray at meals and before bed. We read the Bible as a family. Every Sunday we go to church as a family. We enjoy this time with our children; it is refreshing and peaceful to sit together at church. Our children …
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]]>July’s Featured Married Couple is Ernest and Sarah. I met them while we were stationed together at Edwards AFB and now we are stationed together again. Small world…even smaller Air Force. They are a beautiful couple that have been married for 13 years. They met at the Air Force Academy and married three days after graduating from there. They both serve their country, but they also serve the Church by reaching out to married couples through Marriage Encounter. You can just tell that they understand what it takes to be married and they want to share their joy with others. Ernest and Sarah have three amazing kids: Eve (11), Glory (10), and Ernesto (7). Their answers on marriage are extremely touching and definitely ones to take to heart.
What did you do on your first date?
Sarah–We hung out a lot on the Academy grounds when we started dating, but our first real date was to Carrabas. We were sophomores and couldn’t have our own car so it took a little while before we found someone willing to lend us their car for a date. Our time spent together at this time revolved around a lot of in depth discussions trying to get to know one another on a deeper level.
We met the first day of college and had rooms right next door to each other. The first day, Ernest and his roommate came over to say “Hi!” Over the next couple weeks, because our rooms were close we hung out quite a bit. Ernest was shy, but I could tell right away that he was very intelligent. I thought that he was cute even with the buzz cut that all freshmen boys got. But what really made me look at him more than any other guy at school was his love for his family and his interest in mine. My family was then, and always has been, one of my highest priorities and it was refreshing to get to know someone who held that same priority.
Ernest–Sarah and I started out as just friends. As we hung out more, I was attracted to her energy and how much fun she was. As we got closer, I could tell how much she cared for others, much more than herself. She was extremely selfless and compassionate, and those were inspiring qualities for me–traits that I wish I had.
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Ernest–For me, the most surprising thing about marriage is how our relationship, our attitudes, even different aspects of ourselves have changed over time. I love Sarah in a much different way than when we started out. For one, I love her more than when we got married, which is a real shock for me. I love different things about her. She’s still selfless and deeply connected with God, but I love how she tries to be a better mom and wife everyday. I love how she’s raised our kids to behave and more importantly, to know God. I see a lot of great qualities in our kids that I know are inherited or learned from her.
In your opinion, what is the hardest thing about marriage?
Ernest and Sarah–The hardest thing about marriage that we have seen is communication. It is essential to everything you do as a couple. It is almost impossible to meld two people’s thoughts, plans, and desires into one so the two of you can be one team. In order to do this we must communicate clearly to one another. Communication comes in many different forms. We have learned over time to change the ways we communicate. For example, the way we fight has changed. We still have disagreements about many of the same subjects; how to raise our kids or spending money. The difference is that now we can mostly discuss these topics from different perspectives but still part of the same team. We’ve also learned that it’s important to communicate beyond the superficial conversations. When we started having kids and were both working, we’d go weeks where the only things we said to each other was what we needed to get by. For example, like who was taking the kids to school, what was for dinner, or when would we be getting home. We didn’t talk about if someone was frustrated by work, exhausted by our schedule, or felt lonely or isolated from the other. We’ve learned that it’s important to discuss our feelings with each other everyday.
What do you believe is the purpose of marriage?
We believe that marriage is a sacrament. In accepting this sacrament, we chose to live our lives together building a family and raising our children to know and respect God.
Sarah–It is my calling to be a wife and mother. I am called to give my family my time, love, and care. I am called to love and respect my husband and support him while he supports our family. I am called to teach my children respect, the value of hard work, and that God is their number one priority.
Ernest–It’s my calling to be a good husband and father–to be an example of God’s love for my family. In different ways, I sacrifice my own comfort or wants to make sure Sarah and our kids know they are loved and that they will be taken care of. I guess this is a pretty big question; there’s a lot I could say here. I guess my purpose in marriage encapsulates almost everything I do and why I do it.
How do you incorporate God into your marriage?
Ernest and Sarah–God is part of every day of our lives. As a family we pray at meals and before bed. We read the Bible as a family. Every Sunday we go to church as a family. We enjoy this time with our children; it is refreshing and peaceful to sit together at church. Our children …
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“So, when your husband retires from the Air Force, it will be your turn then, right?”
I hear this a lot as a military spouse. We are still several years away from my husband retiring, but we are on the tail end of this wonderful, crazy life. I knew when marrying my husband that the idea of having a well-established career was probably not going to happen. I guess, I could have forced the issue, but it was not something I wanted to do. I knew by marrying Dustin, a military man, that I would be relinquishing my chance at a notable career.
What bothers me about the question people ask me, is that our marriage, our life together has never been about turns. This isn’t Dustin’s time and then it will be mine. This is our time, all the time. To say such a thing, implies that what I’ve been doing for the past 14 years has been sort of wasteful–not meaningful. It is to say that because I haven’t been out there punching the clock making money, I don’t look successful. Our culture is so wrapped up in having a career and being successful monetarily and materially that people just can’t fathom the idea of someone putting their career aside for the other.
In the 14-years we have been a part of the military I have gotten a Master’s degree, volunteered, worked, traveled all over our great country, learned about different cultures, made friends from all over the world, survived a deployment, been a Key Spouse for my husband’s squadron, and I continue to homeschool our children. My life has been richly blessed and full.
My life is successful even without a career, because my marriage is thriving, my children are blossoming into good and happy individuals, and I have a relationship with God that keeps me grounded and gives my life purpose. I think of what my life would look like if I had pushed for a career in the FBI while my husband served in the military. Most likely we would have spent most of our marriage, thus far, away from each other. Our kids would be separated from one parent some, if not most of the time. I know this would have broken down our marriage and family. It is more acceptable to me to never have a career than to live my life with a broken family. In fact, without the four other people living under my roof, my life would be hollow and depressing. No amount of accolades or money could ever replace their love and the joy they give me.
The reality is, is that when Dustin retires, we have to go where he can find work. He is an engineer, I’m a criminology major; the pay difference is laughable. He has the experience, I will not have that much as far as being out in the work world. If we made it “my time” after he retires, we would be struggling to make ends meet. That would be silly and extremely irresponsbile. I know that I may never have a smashing career. I know that from here on out, people will find what I do uninteresting. That’s okay. This is a sacrifice I have made for my husband because I love him. I love him enough to lay money, promotions, status, and prestige in his lap and give it up. I will do that for him, because nothing matters more to me than him and this family. I know, that if I came to Dustin and told him that I truly desired a career, he would help me pursue that, but it’s not what I want.
I know that many military spouses are able to have careers while their spouse is serving. Lots of jobs transfer easily or are easily found at new bases. My line of work is not that way. I’m not saying that if you have a career as a military spouse, that you don’t love your family and spouse. What I am saying is that it is wrong to think about marriage–any marriage–as having his turns and her turns. Marriage should always be a path forged together with the entire journey being an “our turn.” Just as I have made sacrifices for Dustin, he has made them for me. This family together is our biggest priority.
It is my honor and privilege to be a part of the Air Force life. I know when he does retire, I will miss it and long for those times. But, I’m excited about what lies beyond military life. Namely, having my own home and being able to paint it whatever color I want! I look forward to actually growing a garden that I don’t have to leave in three years. It’s the simple things, right? But, most of all, I’ll be excited to see where the next chapter of our life will take us. Till then, I will continue to enjoy the journey that the military life has us on. It has been amazing so far and I know it will continue to be.
…
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“So, when your husband retires from the Air Force, it will be your turn then, right?”
I hear this a lot as a military spouse. We are still several years away from my husband retiring, but we are on the tail end of this wonderful, crazy life. I knew when marrying my husband that the idea of having a well-established career was probably not going to happen. I guess, I could have forced the issue, but it was not something I wanted to do. I knew by marrying Dustin, a military man, that I would be relinquishing my chance at a notable career.
What bothers me about the question people ask me, is that our marriage, our life together has never been about turns. This isn’t Dustin’s time and then it will be mine. This is our time, all the time. To say such a thing, implies that what I’ve been doing for the past 14 years has been sort of wasteful–not meaningful. It is to say that because I haven’t been out there punching the clock making money, I don’t look successful. Our culture is so wrapped up in having a career and being successful monetarily and materially that people just can’t fathom the idea of someone putting their career aside for the other.
In the 14-years we have been a part of the military I have gotten a Master’s degree, volunteered, worked, traveled all over our great country, learned about different cultures, made friends from all over the world, survived a deployment, been a Key Spouse for my husband’s squadron, and I continue to homeschool our children. My life has been richly blessed and full.
My life is successful even without a career, because my marriage is thriving, my children are blossoming into good and happy individuals, and I have a relationship with God that keeps me grounded and gives my life purpose. I think of what my life would look like if I had pushed for a career in the FBI while my husband served in the military. Most likely we would have spent most of our marriage, thus far, away from each other. Our kids would be separated from one parent some, if not most of the time. I know this would have broken down our marriage and family. It is more acceptable to me to never have a career than to live my life with a broken family. In fact, without the four other people living under my roof, my life would be hollow and depressing. No amount of accolades or money could ever replace their love and the joy they give me.
The reality is, is that when Dustin retires, we have to go where he can find work. He is an engineer, I’m a criminology major; the pay difference is laughable. He has the experience, I will not have that much as far as being out in the work world. If we made it “my time” after he retires, we would be struggling to make ends meet. That would be silly and extremely irresponsbile. I know that I may never have a smashing career. I know that from here on out, people will find what I do uninteresting. That’s okay. This is a sacrifice I have made for my husband because I love him. I love him enough to lay money, promotions, status, and prestige in his lap and give it up. I will do that for him, because nothing matters more to me than him and this family. I know, that if I came to Dustin and told him that I truly desired a career, he would help me pursue that, but it’s not what I want.
I know that many military spouses are able to have careers while their spouse is serving. Lots of jobs transfer easily or are easily found at new bases. My line of work is not that way. I’m not saying that if you have a career as a military spouse, that you don’t love your family and spouse. What I am saying is that it is wrong to think about marriage–any marriage–as having his turns and her turns. Marriage should always be a path forged together with the entire journey being an “our turn.” Just as I have made sacrifices for Dustin, he has made them for me. This family together is our biggest priority.
It is my honor and privilege to be a part of the Air Force life. I know when he does retire, I will miss it and long for those times. But, I’m excited about what lies beyond military life. Namely, having my own home and being able to paint it whatever color I want! I look forward to actually growing a garden that I don’t have to leave in three years. It’s the simple things, right? But, most of all, I’ll be excited to see where the next chapter of our life will take us. Till then, I will continue to enjoy the journey that the military life has us on. It has been amazing so far and I know it will continue to be.
…
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June’s Featured Married Couple of the Month is Erin and Michael from Louisiana. Like last month’s couple, I have never met them, but I follow Erin’s blog and have truly enjoyed reading her thoughts. I first came across a blog of hers written on miscarriage and I could relate on so many levels. Erin blogs over at the Humble Handmaid and does podcasts, which I highly recommend checking out. Michael is a mechanical engineer working in chemical plants along the Mississippi River. Erin and Michael will celebrate their 8th anniversary this August. They have three children on earth, a boy and two girls, one child already in Heaven, and a baby boy on the way. I love their honest, open answers and so without further ado….Erin and Michael.
What did you do for your first date?
Erin–We were working as camp counselors at Camps Kahdalea and Chosatonga in Brevard, North Carolina. Michael picked me up from Kahdalea (the girls’ camp) and took me out for nice dinner at the Jordan Street Café in Brevard. After dinner, we went to Dolly’s, this super-popular local ice cream shack. Some other counselors on their day off called us during dinner to ask if we wanted to go sleep under the stars that night with them on Black Balsalm, a gorgeous flat-topped mountain near camp. We decided to go, and Michael gallantly carried all of my gear all the way up the mountain (in the dark!). Despite the fact that I got lost for a while in the middle of the night when my flashlight went out while I was answering the call of nature a ways away from the campsite, we had a great time.
Michael–I thought our first date was both our first and last date, since Erin got lost that night when we were camping with our friends!
Erin, what initially attracted you to Michael? Michael, what initially attracted you to Erin?
Erin–What initially attracted me to Michael was his fun and outgoing personality. He is a natural leader, and he was always at the center of whatever fun activity or conversation was going on. I also thought he was cute. He is almost five years older than I am, though, so I honestly didn’t think he’d take a second look at me. (I ended up being very wrong about that!)
Michael–I could immediately tell what a genuinely sweet and kind person Erin was. All of the counselors at camp went on a training overnight campout at a site near the camp. Erin and I ended up in the same group sleeping all together under the stars that night, and the two of us stayed up late having an amazing conversation. I couldn’t see her in the dark, but it was that night that I started to fall in love with her as a person.
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Erin–As an engaged couple trying hard to “prepare” for marriage, you think you’re automatically going to have a great marriage right off the bat. There are so many ways you have to grow up and grow together as a married couple, and learn some things the hard way.
Michael–How selfless you have to be.
If you could go back and talk to your newlywed selves, what would you say?
Erin–I honestly don’t have any regrets about my newlywed years! There is so much about marriage that you have to learn along the way, no matter how well you “prepare” for marriage!
I don’t think that anyone can say they have discerned God’s will perfectly in every decision of their lives, but Michael and I surely have tried to do that individually and as a married couple since the get-go. At some point, you have to rest in that. Even if you mess up, and even if your life seems to take crazy twists and turns, God can work it all together for our good. And sometimes those twists and turns are exactly what we were supposed to go through!
Michael and I have been through some difficult things—injuries, family troubles, miscarriage, job insecurity, several moves, painful relationship struggles, and severe financial trouble. I think that I have always tried to trust God and pray that way, too, because I knew that’s how I should be praying, but now that we are on the other side of many difficult things that I once prayed about, I wish I could go back and tell my earlier self, “It’s all true! God will work all things together for your good. Just wait—for God’s will, God’s way, and God’s time.”
Michael–I would talk to my earlier self about how important a strong personal prayer life is to marriage. I would also advise us to be a little more frugal early on in our marriage, especially saving more, to help prepare for when Erin quit working to stay home with our kids.
What has been one of the hardest things about marriage, in your opinion?
Erin– NFP (Natural Family Planning) and intimacy in general has been a big struggle for us in the past. I know we haven’t been alone in that—there are so many factors that can make that part of marriage complicated for many of us! But God has been amazingly generous to us in healing us individually and really moving us forward from that struggle to a really good place I never thought we’d get to.
Another hard thing about marriage has been learning how to work together with my husband on the “project” of our life together. We both like to be in control of projects that are important to us, but we have extremely different personalities, different weaknesses and strengths, different ways of coping with stress, and different ways of planning. We have had to learn how to respect one another’s feelings and ways of doing things.
Michael–I think that one of the hardest areas of our marriage has been intimacy and using NFP at different …
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]]>June’s Featured Married Couple of the Month is Erin and Michael from Louisiana. Like last month’s couple, I have never met them, but I follow Erin’s blog and have truly enjoyed reading her thoughts. I first came across a blog of hers written on miscarriage and I could relate on so many levels. Erin blogs over at the Humble Handmaid and does podcasts, which I highly recommend checking out. Michael is a mechanical engineer working in chemical plants along the Mississippi River. Erin and Michael will celebrate their 8th anniversary this August. They have three children on earth, a boy and two girls, one child already in Heaven, and a baby boy on the way. I love their honest, open answers and so without further ado….Erin and Michael.
What did you do for your first date?
Erin–We were working as camp counselors at Camps Kahdalea and Chosatonga in Brevard, North Carolina. Michael picked me up from Kahdalea (the girls’ camp) and took me out for nice dinner at the Jordan Street Café in Brevard. After dinner, we went to Dolly’s, this super-popular local ice cream shack. Some other counselors on their day off called us during dinner to ask if we wanted to go sleep under the stars that night with them on Black Balsalm, a gorgeous flat-topped mountain near camp. We decided to go, and Michael gallantly carried all of my gear all the way up the mountain (in the dark!). Despite the fact that I got lost for a while in the middle of the night when my flashlight went out while I was answering the call of nature a ways away from the campsite, we had a great time.
Michael–I thought our first date was both our first and last date, since Erin got lost that night when we were camping with our friends!
Erin, what initially attracted you to Michael? Michael, what initially attracted you to Erin?
Erin–What initially attracted me to Michael was his fun and outgoing personality. He is a natural leader, and he was always at the center of whatever fun activity or conversation was going on. I also thought he was cute. He is almost five years older than I am, though, so I honestly didn’t think he’d take a second look at me. (I ended up being very wrong about that!)
Michael–I could immediately tell what a genuinely sweet and kind person Erin was. All of the counselors at camp went on a training overnight campout at a site near the camp. Erin and I ended up in the same group sleeping all together under the stars that night, and the two of us stayed up late having an amazing conversation. I couldn’t see her in the dark, but it was that night that I started to fall in love with her as a person.
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Erin–As an engaged couple trying hard to “prepare” for marriage, you think you’re automatically going to have a great marriage right off the bat. There are so many ways you have to grow up and grow together as a married couple, and learn some things the hard way.
Michael–How selfless you have to be.
If you could go back and talk to your newlywed selves, what would you say?
Erin–I honestly don’t have any regrets about my newlywed years! There is so much about marriage that you have to learn along the way, no matter how well you “prepare” for marriage!
I don’t think that anyone can say they have discerned God’s will perfectly in every decision of their lives, but Michael and I surely have tried to do that individually and as a married couple since the get-go. At some point, you have to rest in that. Even if you mess up, and even if your life seems to take crazy twists and turns, God can work it all together for our good. And sometimes those twists and turns are exactly what we were supposed to go through!
Michael and I have been through some difficult things—injuries, family troubles, miscarriage, job insecurity, several moves, painful relationship struggles, and severe financial trouble. I think that I have always tried to trust God and pray that way, too, because I knew that’s how I should be praying, but now that we are on the other side of many difficult things that I once prayed about, I wish I could go back and tell my earlier self, “It’s all true! God will work all things together for your good. Just wait—for God’s will, God’s way, and God’s time.”
Michael–I would talk to my earlier self about how important a strong personal prayer life is to marriage. I would also advise us to be a little more frugal early on in our marriage, especially saving more, to help prepare for when Erin quit working to stay home with our kids.
What has been one of the hardest things about marriage, in your opinion?
Erin– NFP (Natural Family Planning) and intimacy in general has been a big struggle for us in the past. I know we haven’t been alone in that—there are so many factors that can make that part of marriage complicated for many of us! But God has been amazingly generous to us in healing us individually and really moving us forward from that struggle to a really good place I never thought we’d get to.
Another hard thing about marriage has been learning how to work together with my husband on the “project” of our life together. We both like to be in control of projects that are important to us, but we have extremely different personalities, different weaknesses and strengths, different ways of coping with stress, and different ways of planning. We have had to learn how to respect one another’s feelings and ways of doing things.
Michael–I think that one of the hardest areas of our marriage has been intimacy and using NFP at different …
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“You don’t know what real love is!”
How many teenagers have heard this statement from their parents? I know I did. While parents may be right in this statement, it is unfair to treat teenagers as if they don’t know, especially when parents haven’t taught their kids what real love is.
I was a late bloomer. I had zero interest in boys as a young teen and I wasn’t allowed to date until I was sixteen anyway, so I didn’t even really bother with boys, dating, and all that jazz. But, once I became a sophomore in high school, I finally gave in to the boy who had been pursuing me for years. And when I dove in, I dove with a swan dive topped off with a triple twist and all. Except…I hit the water like a two-by-four and the wake of the splash overtook me. I was completely and totally unprepared to handle his rejection of me. And I loved him. At least, I thought I did, because I had all the feelings and that’s what love is right? Eh, yes….and no.
See, most teens get their understanding of love from watching movies. Boy sees girl, she smiles coyly, they are attracted, and it’s love ever after. They want to breathe each other’s air, can’t live five seconds without stroking each other’s face, and the butterflies are all a fluttering in the tummy. Love…true love (You must say that like the preacher in Princess Bride). Teens think that all these feelings are what real love is and who can blame them? Nobody teaches them otherwise. We teach kids how to drive, how to take a test, how to work at a job, but with dating and love we just tell them “have fun!” and unleash them to the world. And then when they show up broken-hearted and feeling like they can’t breathe, we tell them that they are immature and “just don’t know what love is.” That’s unfair.
We have to talk with our kids about what authentic love is. All authentic love has one basic component–to will the good of the other. This doesn’t matter if you are talking about love between friends, the love of a parent for a child, the love we should have with our fellow man, and even romantic love. Now each of these loves is displayed differently and with romantic love there is usually physical attraction. But, the attraction aspect is not what defines romantic love. Sadly, in our world we have love all confused, especially in the romantic department. We think that the initial feelings are proof positive that we really love someone. Unfortunately, when those feelings go away and subside, we feel that we have “fallen out of love.” So, we go seeking those feelings again and again and repeating the same storyline over and over.
When my first boyfriend was over me (which took all of five seconds), I was not over him. Looking back now, I realize that I couldn’t understand how he could tell me that he loved me, yet not want me anymore. That was confusing. It broke my heart and I was devastated. In reality, I wanted to cling to him because I needed to prove to myself that, yes, I was lovable. When he broke up with me, I hid in my room with the lights turned off and bawled my eyes out. A lot of people told me to just get over it and move on, but none of this helped. My heart felt too heavy to believe that I didn’t really understand love.
As I lay on my bed, my dad came into my room and sat by my side. He didn’t say much to me, just asked a couple questions and rubbed my head. He didn’t tell me I was wrong for feeling this way or to just hop up and get on with life. He acknowledged my feelings and let me work through them. I needed that. This is a great lesson for us parents out there raising kids right now. We have to acknowledge their feelings and help them work through them. But, most importantly, we can’t expect them to understand something that we haven’t taught them.
There are three things that I think we have to discuss when it comes to romantic love. We need to have these conversations with our kids before they reach teenage years. Once they’ve reached pre-teen years we aren’t changing diapers anymore or helping them with every little need. We move into a place where we are teaching, guiding, directing, and advising on bigger issues.
- Love is not about how that person makes you feel. Every person that you will claim to love in your life will at times make you unhappy, angry, or sad. Real love does not give up on that person when those hard times come. Your boyfriend/girlfriend’s job is not to make you happy or feel good. Too many people give up on their marriage, because the other spouse has ceased to make them “feel good.” People abandon marriages all the time, because the good feelings are gone. It’s important to understand that love, real love, does not give up when the going gets tough. Otherwise, what’s to admire about love? What’s the big deal about love if it’s fickle and weak?
- You cannot make someone love you. I did not understand this. I turned myself inside and out and back again for my first boyfriend all in an attempt to find that version of “me” that he might love. It doesn’t work that way. Love cannot be forced, it must be given freely or it isn’t love. To add to that, if someone can’t love you for you, why would you want to force them? Would you ever really feel loved? No. No you wouldn’t. You would always question their love and that’s a miserable place to be. Now, I want to be very clear here–while real love
…
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]]>“You don’t know what real love is!”
How many teenagers have heard this statement from their parents? I know I did. While parents may be right in this statement, it is unfair to treat teenagers as if they don’t know, especially when parents haven’t taught their kids what real love is.
I was a late bloomer. I had zero interest in boys as a young teen and I wasn’t allowed to date until I was sixteen anyway, so I didn’t even really bother with boys, dating, and all that jazz. But, once I became a sophomore in high school, I finally gave in to the boy who had been pursuing me for years. And when I dove in, I dove with a swan dive topped off with a triple twist and all. Except…I hit the water like a two-by-four and the wake of the splash overtook me. I was completely and totally unprepared to handle his rejection of me. And I loved him. At least, I thought I did, because I had all the feelings and that’s what love is right? Eh, yes….and no.
See, most teens get their understanding of love from watching movies. Boy sees girl, she smiles coyly, they are attracted, and it’s love ever after. They want to breathe each other’s air, can’t live five seconds without stroking each other’s face, and the butterflies are all a fluttering in the tummy. Love…true love (You must say that like the preacher in Princess Bride). Teens think that all these feelings are what real love is and who can blame them? Nobody teaches them otherwise. We teach kids how to drive, how to take a test, how to work at a job, but with dating and love we just tell them “have fun!” and unleash them to the world. And then when they show up broken-hearted and feeling like they can’t breathe, we tell them that they are immature and “just don’t know what love is.” That’s unfair.
We have to talk with our kids about what authentic love is. All authentic love has one basic component–to will the good of the other. This doesn’t matter if you are talking about love between friends, the love of a parent for a child, the love we should have with our fellow man, and even romantic love. Now each of these loves is displayed differently and with romantic love there is usually physical attraction. But, the attraction aspect is not what defines romantic love. Sadly, in our world we have love all confused, especially in the romantic department. We think that the initial feelings are proof positive that we really love someone. Unfortunately, when those feelings go away and subside, we feel that we have “fallen out of love.” So, we go seeking those feelings again and again and repeating the same storyline over and over.
When my first boyfriend was over me (which took all of five seconds), I was not over him. Looking back now, I realize that I couldn’t understand how he could tell me that he loved me, yet not want me anymore. That was confusing. It broke my heart and I was devastated. In reality, I wanted to cling to him because I needed to prove to myself that, yes, I was lovable. When he broke up with me, I hid in my room with the lights turned off and bawled my eyes out. A lot of people told me to just get over it and move on, but none of this helped. My heart felt too heavy to believe that I didn’t really understand love.
As I lay on my bed, my dad came into my room and sat by my side. He didn’t say much to me, just asked a couple questions and rubbed my head. He didn’t tell me I was wrong for feeling this way or to just hop up and get on with life. He acknowledged my feelings and let me work through them. I needed that. This is a great lesson for us parents out there raising kids right now. We have to acknowledge their feelings and help them work through them. But, most importantly, we can’t expect them to understand something that we haven’t taught them.
There are three things that I think we have to discuss when it comes to romantic love. We need to have these conversations with our kids before they reach teenage years. Once they’ve reached pre-teen years we aren’t changing diapers anymore or helping them with every little need. We move into a place where we are teaching, guiding, directing, and advising on bigger issues.
- Love is not about how that person makes you feel. Every person that you will claim to love in your life will at times make you unhappy, angry, or sad. Real love does not give up on that person when those hard times come. Your boyfriend/girlfriend’s job is not to make you happy or feel good. Too many people give up on their marriage, because the other spouse has ceased to make them “feel good.” People abandon marriages all the time, because the good feelings are gone. It’s important to understand that love, real love, does not give up when the going gets tough. Otherwise, what’s to admire about love? What’s the big deal about love if it’s fickle and weak?
- You cannot make someone love you. I did not understand this. I turned myself inside and out and back again for my first boyfriend all in an attempt to find that version of “me” that he might love. It doesn’t work that way. Love cannot be forced, it must be given freely or it isn’t love. To add to that, if someone can’t love you for you, why would you want to force them? Would you ever really feel loved? No. No you wouldn’t. You would always question their love and that’s a miserable place to be. Now, I want to be very clear here–while real love
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]]>
I research a lot around the internet and since I blog and write about marriage, dating, and relationships, I often run into secular or atheistic beliefs with regards to these topics. I also run into a lot of “Christian” websites that miss the mark on Christ’s messages by leaps and bounds. I’ve seen a lot of scorn for monogamy lately. I’ve also seen a lot of indifference or outright acceptance of polygamy. I’ve also seen people backing polygamy, because, “Well,” they say, “it’s in the Bible.” So, I started to research things and I quickly became overwhelmed, because, quite frankly, this is not a neat and tidy topic. I started writing this and got stuck, because I just didn’t know where to begin, what to touch on, and what to research. I about gave up, but before I did I sat down in prayer and asked for some guidance. I told God that this was a messy, involved topic and I just didn’t know what to do to really start exploring this. The answer came: Break the topic up. Don’t try to condense this all into one blog. Take your time to weed through and research. Explore. I instantly felt relief and refreshed. Later that day, my husband came and said to me, “You know, I think I know the answer to this problem with this monogamy blog. You need to break it up.” I smiled at him and said, “Yep, I think that’s the answer.”
So, in this first blog, I’m going to look at some very basic claims. This is just the first step and there are a lot more facets to this that can’t be covered all in one blog. I think we have all heard these at some time in our lives. I’ve tried to take the St. Thomas Aquinas approach and state the claim, look at the evidence, and then logically present a finding.
Claim: Monogamy is unrealistic and unnatural. Monogamy is a religious ideal pressed upon humans. We find in the animal kingdom monogamy, polygamy, and same-sex activities and humans are animals, too. Abraham in the Bible was a polygamist, so even the “Father of the Jews” practiced it.
I will try to analyze each of these claims and offer a response.
1. Monogamy is unrealistic.
Unrealistic: not having or showing a sensible and practical idea of what can be achieved or expected.
Is it unrealistic to believe monogamy is possible? We would have to answer “no” to this based on the fact that literally thousands, if not millions and millions have lived monogamous marriages. What would be unrealistic is to say that a human has a realistic expectation of marrying an alien. We have never seen aliens and therefore it is not reasonable or practical to believe alien marriage is realistic. Monogamous marriages have been lived and achieved throughout history. To say that monogamy is unrealistic is to say that it isn’t even practical to think it could happen.
Finding: Monogamy is not unrealistic based on the fact that millions of people have lived it.
2. Monogamy is unnatural.
Unnatural: Contrary to the laws or course of nature.
Monogamy is focused around two people who are choosing to be committed to each other, that is, not to have another sexual partner entered into the equation. This can be within a marriage or not in a marriage. Many proponents of getting rid of monogamy look to the fact that there are animals (non-humans) that have multiple partners and therefore polygamy is natural. If we are going to go by this argument, then we have to point out that monogamy is also found in the animal kingdom. Therefore, the only real argument to be made is that both monogamy and polygamy are natural in the animal kingdom. But, you can’t say, monogamy is unnatural. If nothing else, both situations bring about new life, which is a very natural thing. Male and female body parts naturally fit together to create new life.
But, just because something can be done, doesn’t mean, for humans, it should be. Animals are known to eat feces, eat bugs off each other, eat their young, and even kill their mates after mating. Just because the animal world does something does not, in fact, point to the way things should be done for humans. What’s natural for monkeys, is not necessarily natural for human beings. It’s natural for male lions to lie around and allow the females do all the work, but I certainly don’t see us making the case for this as a positive thing for humans to do. One could argue, that, hey, it’s good and right for women to be servants to men, because the lions do it. Obviously, that is utter nonsense and I hope no one would seriously make that argument. The problem is, is that we can’t take just one thing (such as polygamy) and say that because the animal kingdom does it, it’s good and right for us, too. You simply can’t just select and pick which things you want to adopt from the animal kingdom and validate your claim using that one example. “Well the animals do it, so it’s okay for us to do, too.”
The argument that will most likely be made is one where someone says, “Well, it’s unrealistic for me. Maybe you can do it, but I don’t find it realistic for my life.” I’ll cover this in another blog. This takes a lot of time to delve into and I’m trying to focus on the very basics here.
Finding: The animal kingdom argument only tells us that monogamy and polygamy are naturally found in the animal kingdom, but cannot be extended to assert that monogamy and polygamy are right and natural for the human race.
3. Humans are animals, too.
I feel like I covered most of this in the second section. Yes, humans are classified as mammals in the animal kingdom. We do, though, sit at the top …
The post Monogamy: Unrealistic? Unnatural? appeared first on .
]]>I research a lot around the internet and since I blog and write about marriage, dating, and relationships, I often run into secular or atheistic beliefs with regards to these topics. I also run into a lot of “Christian” websites that miss the mark on Christ’s messages by leaps and bounds. I’ve seen a lot of scorn for monogamy lately. I’ve also seen a lot of indifference or outright acceptance of polygamy. I’ve also seen people backing polygamy, because, “Well,” they say, “it’s in the Bible.” So, I started to research things and I quickly became overwhelmed, because, quite frankly, this is not a neat and tidy topic. I started writing this and got stuck, because I just didn’t know where to begin, what to touch on, and what to research. I about gave up, but before I did I sat down in prayer and asked for some guidance. I told God that this was a messy, involved topic and I just didn’t know what to do to really start exploring this. The answer came: Break the topic up. Don’t try to condense this all into one blog. Take your time to weed through and research. Explore. I instantly felt relief and refreshed. Later that day, my husband came and said to me, “You know, I think I know the answer to this problem with this monogamy blog. You need to break it up.” I smiled at him and said, “Yep, I think that’s the answer.”
So, in this first blog, I’m going to look at some very basic claims. This is just the first step and there are a lot more facets to this that can’t be covered all in one blog. I think we have all heard these at some time in our lives. I’ve tried to take the St. Thomas Aquinas approach and state the claim, look at the evidence, and then logically present a finding.
Claim: Monogamy is unrealistic and unnatural. Monogamy is a religious ideal pressed upon humans. We find in the animal kingdom monogamy, polygamy, and same-sex activities and humans are animals, too. Abraham in the Bible was a polygamist, so even the “Father of the Jews” practiced it.
I will try to analyze each of these claims and offer a response.
1. Monogamy is unrealistic.
Unrealistic: not having or showing a sensible and practical idea of what can be achieved or expected.
Is it unrealistic to believe monogamy is possible? We would have to answer “no” to this based on the fact that literally thousands, if not millions and millions have lived monogamous marriages. What would be unrealistic is to say that a human has a realistic expectation of marrying an alien. We have never seen aliens and therefore it is not reasonable or practical to believe alien marriage is realistic. Monogamous marriages have been lived and achieved throughout history. To say that monogamy is unrealistic is to say that it isn’t even practical to think it could happen.
Finding: Monogamy is not unrealistic based on the fact that millions of people have lived it.
2. Monogamy is unnatural.
Unnatural: Contrary to the laws or course of nature.
Monogamy is focused around two people who are choosing to be committed to each other, that is, not to have another sexual partner entered into the equation. This can be within a marriage or not in a marriage. Many proponents of getting rid of monogamy look to the fact that there are animals (non-humans) that have multiple partners and therefore polygamy is natural. If we are going to go by this argument, then we have to point out that monogamy is also found in the animal kingdom. Therefore, the only real argument to be made is that both monogamy and polygamy are natural in the animal kingdom. But, you can’t say, monogamy is unnatural. If nothing else, both situations bring about new life, which is a very natural thing. Male and female body parts naturally fit together to create new life.
But, just because something can be done, doesn’t mean, for humans, it should be. Animals are known to eat feces, eat bugs off each other, eat their young, and even kill their mates after mating. Just because the animal world does something does not, in fact, point to the way things should be done for humans. What’s natural for monkeys, is not necessarily natural for human beings. It’s natural for male lions to lie around and allow the females do all the work, but I certainly don’t see us making the case for this as a positive thing for humans to do. One could argue, that, hey, it’s good and right for women to be servants to men, because the lions do it. Obviously, that is utter nonsense and I hope no one would seriously make that argument. The problem is, is that we can’t take just one thing (such as polygamy) and say that because the animal kingdom does it, it’s good and right for us, too. You simply can’t just select and pick which things you want to adopt from the animal kingdom and validate your claim using that one example. “Well the animals do it, so it’s okay for us to do, too.”
The argument that will most likely be made is one where someone says, “Well, it’s unrealistic for me. Maybe you can do it, but I don’t find it realistic for my life.” I’ll cover this in another blog. This takes a lot of time to delve into and I’m trying to focus on the very basics here.
Finding: The animal kingdom argument only tells us that monogamy and polygamy are naturally found in the animal kingdom, but cannot be extended to assert that monogamy and polygamy are right and natural for the human race.
3. Humans are animals, too.
I feel like I covered most of this in the second section. Yes, humans are classified as mammals in the animal kingdom. We do, though, sit at the top …
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]]>
In our world, especially our culture, we are bombarded with negativity surrounding marriage. We hear over-and-over of divorce, 5-minute marriages, and even disdain for the sacrament of marriage. I want us to celebrate marriage and show couples that are bringing to life what marriage truly is–a beautiful, messy, difficult, totally-worth-it blessing. I’m going to feature a Christian married couple a month and hopefully we can learn from them. Our first married couple is one of my favorite couples in the whole world. I first met them in 2006 when we were stationed together at Tyndall AFB. Their family is like family to mine and we have been privileged to witness their growth as a strong Christian couple. I have learned so much from them and I love them dearly. Shawn is a Lt. Colonel serving in the United State Air Force and Dawn holds down the fort while homeschooling two of their children.
1. How long have you been married and how many children do you have?
We’ve been married for 16 years and have five children.
2. Where did you meet and what did you do for your first date?
We met at the Enlisted Club at Grand Forks AFB.
3. What initially attracted you to the other?
Dawn: Of course, his looks, but then his genuineness.
Shawn: Dawn has beautiful, bright blue eyes. Behind those eyes is a fearless attitude to live life. I think it was that, that initially attracted me to her.
4. What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Dawn: How much your love can help you through good and bad situations.
Shawn: It’s not experienced to its fullest without self-sacrifice. I think for a large part of our marriage, I was guilty of seeing marriage as a mutual giving and receiving–a measuring, per se, of what I get out of it. Now I try to focus on how to give, although I fail frequently. The joy of this giving has opened my eyes to how much room I have for improvement.
5. What do each of you bring to your marriage?
Dawn: I think Shawn brings the calm and level-headedness to our marriage.
Shawn: I bring constancy, levelness, and foundation. Dawn brings courage, fearlessness, and wonder.
6. What is one of the hardest things about marriage in your opinion?
Dawn: Just remembering that our ultimate goal is to help our spouse get to heaven; that we are there for them and not ourselves.
Shawn: Giving up my pride, and trying to approach every experience in my marriage with patience and humility. I think a closer version of myself gets “exposed” to my family both good and bad. The bad is usually in the form of frustration and/or impatience and/or being overly-critical.
7. If you could go back in time and give advice to your newlywed selves what would you say?
Dawn: Always listen to each other, keep calm, and bring God into your lives as soon as possible.
Shawn: I would ask them, “How have you brought Christ into your relationship and what are you actively doing together to make him first in your relationship?” Know yourself through your relationship with Christ and know your marriage through your relationship with Christ!
8. How do you incorporate God into your marriage?
Dawn: We go to Mass as a family every Sunday, we do nightly prayers with our children, and then just us after the kids are in bed. We constantly rely on God for all we do and decisions we make.
Shawn: Through NFP (Natural Family Planning). Through praying together as a family. Through prayer together, just Dawn and me. Through watching movies together (i.e. Beloved from Augustine Institute). Through St. Pope John Paul II works relating to marriage (“Theology of the Body”). Through forgiveness during arguments. Through back massages, because I know Dawn likes them. Through date nights, because I know Dawn loves quality time.
9. What do you love most about marriage?
Dawn: Knowing that I always have someone on my side praying for me.
Shawn: Until about three years ago, fear played a much bigger role in my marriage, from my perspective. It wasn’t until then when I had an amazing experience from a general confession that I was able to take a leap in forming my marriage with God fully engaged. I had never looked so forward to the rest of my life with Dawn until I let God fully into my marriage. I love being able to share my most intimate thoughts, feelings, experiences with Dawn without fear.
10. What is a common misconception about marriage?
Dawn: That after you get married everything is complete bliss.
Shawn: That you are happy all the time. That it stays the same as the dating romance of only doting on each other without interruptions from children. That there aren’t times when you may want to give up and that you will have to continue on and say “yes” for the true joy that awaits. Continually saying “yes” during difficult times is life changing in ways you could never imagine and can only be realized by looking back and reflecting. It is amazing how God reveals you to yourself through the continual “yes” of marriage.
…
The post Featured Married Couple for March: Shawn and Dawn “Marriage is a continual ‘Yes'” appeared first on .
]]>In our world, especially our culture, we are bombarded with negativity surrounding marriage. We hear over-and-over of divorce, 5-minute marriages, and even disdain for the sacrament of marriage. I want us to celebrate marriage and show couples that are bringing to life what marriage truly is–a beautiful, messy, difficult, totally-worth-it blessing. I’m going to feature a Christian married couple a month and hopefully we can learn from them. Our first married couple is one of my favorite couples in the whole world. I first met them in 2006 when we were stationed together at Tyndall AFB. Their family is like family to mine and we have been privileged to witness their growth as a strong Christian couple. I have learned so much from them and I love them dearly. Shawn is a Lt. Colonel serving in the United State Air Force and Dawn holds down the fort while homeschooling two of their children.
1. How long have you been married and how many children do you have?
We’ve been married for 16 years and have five children.
2. Where did you meet and what did you do for your first date?
We met at the Enlisted Club at Grand Forks AFB.
3. What initially attracted you to the other?
Dawn: Of course, his looks, but then his genuineness.
Shawn: Dawn has beautiful, bright blue eyes. Behind those eyes is a fearless attitude to live life. I think it was that, that initially attracted me to her.
4. What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Dawn: How much your love can help you through good and bad situations.
Shawn: It’s not experienced to its fullest without self-sacrifice. I think for a large part of our marriage, I was guilty of seeing marriage as a mutual giving and receiving–a measuring, per se, of what I get out of it. Now I try to focus on how to give, although I fail frequently. The joy of this giving has opened my eyes to how much room I have for improvement.
5. What do each of you bring to your marriage?
Dawn: I think Shawn brings the calm and level-headedness to our marriage.
Shawn: I bring constancy, levelness, and foundation. Dawn brings courage, fearlessness, and wonder.
6. What is one of the hardest things about marriage in your opinion?
Dawn: Just remembering that our ultimate goal is to help our spouse get to heaven; that we are there for them and not ourselves.
Shawn: Giving up my pride, and trying to approach every experience in my marriage with patience and humility. I think a closer version of myself gets “exposed” to my family both good and bad. The bad is usually in the form of frustration and/or impatience and/or being overly-critical.
7. If you could go back in time and give advice to your newlywed selves what would you say?
Dawn: Always listen to each other, keep calm, and bring God into your lives as soon as possible.
Shawn: I would ask them, “How have you brought Christ into your relationship and what are you actively doing together to make him first in your relationship?” Know yourself through your relationship with Christ and know your marriage through your relationship with Christ!
8. How do you incorporate God into your marriage?
Dawn: We go to Mass as a family every Sunday, we do nightly prayers with our children, and then just us after the kids are in bed. We constantly rely on God for all we do and decisions we make.
Shawn: Through NFP (Natural Family Planning). Through praying together as a family. Through prayer together, just Dawn and me. Through watching movies together (i.e. Beloved from Augustine Institute). Through St. Pope John Paul II works relating to marriage (“Theology of the Body”). Through forgiveness during arguments. Through back massages, because I know Dawn likes them. Through date nights, because I know Dawn loves quality time.
9. What do you love most about marriage?
Dawn: Knowing that I always have someone on my side praying for me.
Shawn: Until about three years ago, fear played a much bigger role in my marriage, from my perspective. It wasn’t until then when I had an amazing experience from a general confession that I was able to take a leap in forming my marriage with God fully engaged. I had never looked so forward to the rest of my life with Dawn until I let God fully into my marriage. I love being able to share my most intimate thoughts, feelings, experiences with Dawn without fear.
10. What is a common misconception about marriage?
Dawn: That after you get married everything is complete bliss.
Shawn: That you are happy all the time. That it stays the same as the dating romance of only doting on each other without interruptions from children. That there aren’t times when you may want to give up and that you will have to continue on and say “yes” for the true joy that awaits. Continually saying “yes” during difficult times is life changing in ways you could never imagine and can only be realized by looking back and reflecting. It is amazing how God reveals you to yourself through the continual “yes” of marriage.
…
The post Featured Married Couple for March: Shawn and Dawn “Marriage is a continual ‘Yes'” appeared first on .
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We all read the Bible a little differently. The Bible is so rich and deep that even the same verse can speak in different ways on different days. At different times in our life, different passages will speak more to us than others. Overall, though, when reading the Bible, there are four ways to read it depending on your motivation.
- There is the atheist way, which is to take everything, and I mean everything, and reduce it down to stupid, contradictory nonsense. Oh, and to see everything as evil, especially God. There is nothing you can ever say to show them how they just might be wrong. Even if you debunk any contradictory argument, they never concede. They just go on to pick out another perceived contradiction …which, you go on to debunk. And on and on it goes in a never-ending exhausting loop. Not all atheists read the Bible in this way, but most skeptical atheists who take such a hard line are simply looking for a way to discredit a belief system that they don’t want to follow and wish to extinguish.
- There is the watered-down way of reading. This is where only the feel-good parts are dealt with and Jesus was just a neat-o guy who loved everyone, every lifestyle–everything was cool, man. This way of reading the Bible is bland, boring, uninspiring, and leaves out all the richness and fullness that is to be gleaned and discovered. The readers who water scripture down, do so because their current cultural beliefs conflict with Biblical concepts and they’ve chosen their secular beliefs.
- There is the very, almost militant type, which seems to only take the harsh things in the Bible and focuses on them. This way of reading gets so twisted and warped that it really lacks any of the love, mercy, and joy to be found. It’s the Westboro Baptist way of reading the Bible, which is so anti-Christian that it’s ridiculous we let them get away with having “Baptist” as part of their name. The militants chose to read the Bible this way, because they also disagree with Biblical teachings. But, in their case, they chose to take passages out of context to verbally bludgeon their opponents in their quest for power.
- Lastly, there is the way it’s supposed to be read–to see it as not just any other book, but THE book. The book written by God through the use of human hands. It is supernaturally inspired. It has depths and levels that are beyond a once-over glance. We are never meant in this lifetime to read it once, snap it shut, and kid ourselves into thinking we have it all figured out. There are parts that are hard to swallow, there are parts that need clarification, there are parts that must be read in the original language to truly get the meaning and there are parts that have more than one way of looking at it. Reading the Bible isn’t something to conquer or to mark off a bucket list. It is meant to be used as a channel to get a glimpse at God and try to understand Him. It’s meant to be read with not just our minds, but our souls. This final way is the humble way, the non-defensive way of seeking truth.
I say all of this, because I want to use these ways of reading the Bible to make a point. I write about marriage, dating, and building positive relationships and, so, I want to touch on a couple of well-known verses in this blog that deal with marriage. Then I want to look at them through the eyes of the different readers above and see just what is missing from three of them.
The verses? Ephesians 5:22-33
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Of course you’ve heard these verses before. But, I want to look at things a little differently.
1. How an atheist reads these verses:
As always they see everything through a “God = Bad” lens. Even though the word love is mentioned numerous times, that makes no difference. These verses are read as Evil God telling husbands to oppress their wives and force them into servitude. All the while the husband rests his feet on the back of his slave wife as she mops the floor, while cackling with glee at his domination over her.
2. The watered-down reader takes this passage and tries to assuage any hard feelings over it. In fact, most watered-down readers don’t even want to touch this passage, because it makes them feel uncomfortable, cause it sorta, kinda looks like Christianity is telling men that they are better than woman. So, they’d rather just leave these verses alone and move along to something less controversial. But, to be clear, the watered-down reader makes sure to point out that Jesus would never really tell women to submit to their husbands. And, more importantly, this was just a cultural thing back in the day, so it, like, basically doesn’t apply anymore.
3. The militant reader sees only this: “WIVES SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBANDS!” It basically gets translated into this:
When I worked as a counselor for victims of domestic and sexual abuse, I can’t tell you how many women I listened to that told me their husbands used this passage to justify abusing their wives. Every single time, I asked the wives if they had ever read beyond that first sentence and onto the very next passage:
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 …
The post Hey, Married Couples, Submit Already! (Oh no, she did not just say that!) appeared first on .
]]>
We all read the Bible a little differently. The Bible is so rich and deep that even the same verse can speak in different ways on different days. At different times in our life, different passages will speak more to us than others. Overall, though, when reading the Bible, there are four ways to read it depending on your motivation.
- There is the atheist way, which is to take everything, and I mean everything, and reduce it down to stupid, contradictory nonsense. Oh, and to see everything as evil, especially God. There is nothing you can ever say to show them how they just might be wrong. Even if you debunk any contradictory argument, they never concede. They just go on to pick out another perceived contradiction …which, you go on to debunk. And on and on it goes in a never-ending exhausting loop. Not all atheists read the Bible in this way, but most skeptical atheists who take such a hard line are simply looking for a way to discredit a belief system that they don’t want to follow and wish to extinguish.
- There is the watered-down way of reading. This is where only the feel-good parts are dealt with and Jesus was just a neat-o guy who loved everyone, every lifestyle–everything was cool, man. This way of reading the Bible is bland, boring, uninspiring, and leaves out all the richness and fullness that is to be gleaned and discovered. The readers who water scripture down, do so because their current cultural beliefs conflict with Biblical concepts and they’ve chosen their secular beliefs.
- There is the very, almost militant type, which seems to only take the harsh things in the Bible and focuses on them. This way of reading gets so twisted and warped that it really lacks any of the love, mercy, and joy to be found. It’s the Westboro Baptist way of reading the Bible, which is so anti-Christian that it’s ridiculous we let them get away with having “Baptist” as part of their name. The militants chose to read the Bible this way, because they also disagree with Biblical teachings. But, in their case, they chose to take passages out of context to verbally bludgeon their opponents in their quest for power.
- Lastly, there is the way it’s supposed to be read–to see it as not just any other book, but THE book. The book written by God through the use of human hands. It is supernaturally inspired. It has depths and levels that are beyond a once-over glance. We are never meant in this lifetime to read it once, snap it shut, and kid ourselves into thinking we have it all figured out. There are parts that are hard to swallow, there are parts that need clarification, there are parts that must be read in the original language to truly get the meaning and there are parts that have more than one way of looking at it. Reading the Bible isn’t something to conquer or to mark off a bucket list. It is meant to be used as a channel to get a glimpse at God and try to understand Him. It’s meant to be read with not just our minds, but our souls. This final way is the humble way, the non-defensive way of seeking truth.
I say all of this, because I want to use these ways of reading the Bible to make a point. I write about marriage, dating, and building positive relationships and, so, I want to touch on a couple of well-known verses in this blog that deal with marriage. Then I want to look at them through the eyes of the different readers above and see just what is missing from three of them.
The verses? Ephesians 5:22-33
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Of course you’ve heard these verses before. But, I want to look at things a little differently.
1. How an atheist reads these verses:
As always they see everything through a “God = Bad” lens. Even though the word love is mentioned numerous times, that makes no difference. These verses are read as Evil God telling husbands to oppress their wives and force them into servitude. All the while the husband rests his feet on the back of his slave wife as she mops the floor, while cackling with glee at his domination over her.
2. The watered-down reader takes this passage and tries to assuage any hard feelings over it. In fact, most watered-down readers don’t even want to touch this passage, because it makes them feel uncomfortable, cause it sorta, kinda looks like Christianity is telling men that they are better than woman. So, they’d rather just leave these verses alone and move along to something less controversial. But, to be clear, the watered-down reader makes sure to point out that Jesus would never really tell women to submit to their husbands. And, more importantly, this was just a cultural thing back in the day, so it, like, basically doesn’t apply anymore.
3. The militant reader sees only this: “WIVES SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBANDS!” It basically gets translated into this:
When I worked as a counselor for victims of domestic and sexual abuse, I can’t tell you how many women I listened to that told me their husbands used this passage to justify abusing their wives. Every single time, I asked the wives if they had ever read beyond that first sentence and onto the very next passage:
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 …
The post Hey, Married Couples, Submit Already! (Oh no, she did not just say that!) appeared first on .
]]>
Romance and love are a beautiful thing, aren’t they? Here we are, a few days removed from a holiday all about love and romance. But, how do we know when someone really loves us? What is true romance? Is it chocolate, flowers, date nights, and love notes? Yes, in some ways it can be that. But, recently, I have witnessed pure examples of true, sacrificial love from my grandmothers. And believe me, this love is not defined by flowers and chocolate. It is defined by something far more wholesome.
About a month ago, my maternal grandfather passed away. In more ways than I could ever mention here, he was the epitome of a great grandpa. But “grandpa” was only one of the many hats he wore: He was a great father, husband, worker, and American. He was 90-years old when he passed away and had been married to my grandmother for 67 years. Sixty-seven years. For the last several years, my grandfather was very sick. To preserve his privacy and dignity, I won’t go into the sad details. I watched my grandfather go from one of the strongest men I have every known, mentally and physically, to a shell of the man he had been. And through all of this, my grandmother cared for him.
I can sympathize with her, but I cannot empathize. I have no idea what it is like to watch the once vibrant love of your life, deteriorate in front of your eyes. I cannot imagine the emotional toil, the drudgery, the loneliness, the frustration that accompanies taking care of a terminally sick spouse. It has to be utterly exhausting on many levels. And, yet, everyday, my grandmother was there for him. When things got really bad, it gave me some comfort to know that when my grandpa opened his eyes, it was her face that he saw. Probably the only face that was not confusing or unfamiliar on some level. He got to look into the face of the only person on earth that had vowed to care and love him through “sickness and health” and “for better or worse.” My grandmother lived out these vows: Not just the easy part, but the hard part. The part of the vows that sounds good on our wedding day, but that none of us really give much consideration.
My other grandma is in a similar situation. My paternal grandfather is still with us, but he, too, is very ill. One day when I was back home for my grandfather’s funeral, I made a trip to see my other set of grandparents. My grandfather had been taking a nap and my grandma woke him up so that he could come out to visit with me. She guided him into the living room, helped him into his chair, covered him with a blanket, and then lovingly tasseled his hair. It was emotional for me, because my grandfather had physically changed a lot since I’d seen him just six months before. Yet, it was so endearing to see my grandma run her fingers through his hair. Such a loving gesture. This is her love, her partner for life and even in these trying times she still touches him with adoration. I thought a lot about that moment, brief as it was, on my drive back home after our visit.
Isn’t this what we all desire? This self-giving, sacrificial love? This is a love story, but not one that we often hear about. In fact, we, as a culture, would find this story bland and too quiet. Instead we are wooed by tasteless stories like “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Stories of selfishness, pain, and sexual filth are what we laud and hold up as “love stories.” We flock to movie theaters to get a cheap thrill, while somewhere out there is a woman caring for her spouse through selfless acts of love–through service. My grandfather can really offer nothing in return at this point, other than his presence, but my grandma gives him her time, her attention, her energy, her devotion, her love.
Their houses are quiet. The days are often long and uneventful. There is sadness, I’m sure. I even bet there are times when my grandmas feel like giving up and throwing in the towel, but they don’t. This is the part of the marriage vows being lived out to their fullness. I bet on their wedding days, my grandmothers never thought that at one point they would be confronted with the day-in and day-out care of their husbands. But, that is what we all hope for as we stand there on our wedding day. We hope that this person across from us will be there till the end, tasseling our hair and covering us with a blanket to keep us warm. We hope it will be their hand that reaches out to us to help steady us as we rise from a chair. We hope that it is their face that we look into even when life gets foggy and confusing. That is our hope. I’m so grateful that my grandfathers found that in my grandmas. They are strong, honorable women and I stand in awe of their commitment and devotion. What great examples they are to me.
This Sunday I was praying and thinking about my grandmas. I prayed that my maternal grandma might have strength and comfort during this time of loss. I prayed for my paternal grandma that she might have strength and comfort during these days of caring for my grandpa. I thanked God for their good hearts. I thanked God that I had examples in them of what it means to be a good wife. Then I picked up my daily Bible readings and I read this:
“Suffering is necessary. It is the backbone, the very essence of moral life. Love is recognized by this sign, and when it is lacking, love is but a prostitution of strength or of beauty. I say …
The post 67 Shades of Love appeared first on .
]]>Romance and love are a beautiful thing, aren’t they? Here we are, a few days removed from a holiday all about love and romance. But, how do we know when someone really loves us? What is true romance? Is it chocolate, flowers, date nights, and love notes? Yes, in some ways it can be that. But, recently, I have witnessed pure examples of true, sacrificial love from my grandmothers. And believe me, this love is not defined by flowers and chocolate. It is defined by something far more wholesome.
About a month ago, my maternal grandfather passed away. In more ways than I could ever mention here, he was the epitome of a great grandpa. But “grandpa” was only one of the many hats he wore: He was a great father, husband, worker, and American. He was 90-years old when he passed away and had been married to my grandmother for 67 years. Sixty-seven years. For the last several years, my grandfather was very sick. To preserve his privacy and dignity, I won’t go into the sad details. I watched my grandfather go from one of the strongest men I have every known, mentally and physically, to a shell of the man he had been. And through all of this, my grandmother cared for him.
I can sympathize with her, but I cannot empathize. I have no idea what it is like to watch the once vibrant love of your life, deteriorate in front of your eyes. I cannot imagine the emotional toil, the drudgery, the loneliness, the frustration that accompanies taking care of a terminally sick spouse. It has to be utterly exhausting on many levels. And, yet, everyday, my grandmother was there for him. When things got really bad, it gave me some comfort to know that when my grandpa opened his eyes, it was her face that he saw. Probably the only face that was not confusing or unfamiliar on some level. He got to look into the face of the only person on earth that had vowed to care and love him through “sickness and health” and “for better or worse.” My grandmother lived out these vows: Not just the easy part, but the hard part. The part of the vows that sounds good on our wedding day, but that none of us really give much consideration.
My other grandma is in a similar situation. My paternal grandfather is still with us, but he, too, is very ill. One day when I was back home for my grandfather’s funeral, I made a trip to see my other set of grandparents. My grandfather had been taking a nap and my grandma woke him up so that he could come out to visit with me. She guided him into the living room, helped him into his chair, covered him with a blanket, and then lovingly tasseled his hair. It was emotional for me, because my grandfather had physically changed a lot since I’d seen him just six months before. Yet, it was so endearing to see my grandma run her fingers through his hair. Such a loving gesture. This is her love, her partner for life and even in these trying times she still touches him with adoration. I thought a lot about that moment, brief as it was, on my drive back home after our visit.
Isn’t this what we all desire? This self-giving, sacrificial love? This is a love story, but not one that we often hear about. In fact, we, as a culture, would find this story bland and too quiet. Instead we are wooed by tasteless stories like “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Stories of selfishness, pain, and sexual filth are what we laud and hold up as “love stories.” We flock to movie theaters to get a cheap thrill, while somewhere out there is a woman caring for her spouse through selfless acts of love–through service. My grandfather can really offer nothing in return at this point, other than his presence, but my grandma gives him her time, her attention, her energy, her devotion, her love.
Their houses are quiet. The days are often long and uneventful. There is sadness, I’m sure. I even bet there are times when my grandmas feel like giving up and throwing in the towel, but they don’t. This is the part of the marriage vows being lived out to their fullness. I bet on their wedding days, my grandmothers never thought that at one point they would be confronted with the day-in and day-out care of their husbands. But, that is what we all hope for as we stand there on our wedding day. We hope that this person across from us will be there till the end, tasseling our hair and covering us with a blanket to keep us warm. We hope it will be their hand that reaches out to us to help steady us as we rise from a chair. We hope that it is their face that we look into even when life gets foggy and confusing. That is our hope. I’m so grateful that my grandfathers found that in my grandmas. They are strong, honorable women and I stand in awe of their commitment and devotion. What great examples they are to me.
This Sunday I was praying and thinking about my grandmas. I prayed that my maternal grandma might have strength and comfort during this time of loss. I prayed for my paternal grandma that she might have strength and comfort during these days of caring for my grandpa. I thanked God for their good hearts. I thanked God that I had examples in them of what it means to be a good wife. Then I picked up my daily Bible readings and I read this:
“Suffering is necessary. It is the backbone, the very essence of moral life. Love is recognized by this sign, and when it is lacking, love is but a prostitution of strength or of beauty. I say …
The post 67 Shades of Love appeared first on .
]]>
Dustin and I will celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary this coming Monday. Each year of our marriage has brought new joys, new challenges, new growth for both of us, and, yes, sometimes sadness. Through these years, I have only grown in my wonder for the beautiful sacrament of marriage and I feel blessed to walk this life by Dustin’s side. Here are 10 things I love about being married in no particular order.
1. THE MOMENTS MEANT FOR JUST US. This is going to sound crazy, but while I loved our wedding day, it is not often the day I reflect back on most. That was just one day in our history together and, sadly, it goes by in a whirl-wind. I swear it’s the quickest day of your life. You get dressed, you have the ceremony, you socialize with all your friends, you hopefully get a dance together, and then it’s over in a flash. I cherish that day because it’s the day Dustin and I became us. Yet, more often than not, I dig into my heart for those tender moments that really only mean something to him and me. The “our” moments. They are the moments that bind us and create our story.
2. WE ARE KEEPERS OF EACH OTHER’S SOULS. I didn’t know this when we first married. I didn’t understand the magnitude. Marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic Church and as we’ve grown in our understanding of marriage and all that it entails, I’ve come to see that Dustin and I are to mirror Christ’s love. It really is a beautiful teaching. My job, as Dustin’s wife, is to guide him to heaven. He is to do the same for me. We do that by offering each other the kind of unconditional, sacrificing, forgiving, selfless love that Christ offers us. When we do this only blessings flow.
3. WE ARE ENTRUSTED WITH THE CARE OF OUR CHILDREN. Our kids are products of our love. They are the best of both of us wrapped up in these funny, intelligent, innocent, loving children. They are our legacy. They are the greatest gifts we can give the world. We are their first teachers and their first understandings of love and life. It’s a hefty job, but the joy our children give to us cannot be measured or truly explained. We have created a family spiritually held together by the commitment Dustin and I have to each other.
4. WE ARE STITCHED TOGETHER. Our wedding and union together bound us. It’s like on that day, God took out his threading needle and stitched our souls together. But, not with thread. He stitched us with a mysterious material only God could create. To realize that we are two people but one flesh, is remarkably supernatural. The peace and joy it brings me is ever present. I can feel this “thread” burn when Dustin is not with me. It’s like it calls out to him, searching for him. And when he is near and with me, I am content. I love this about marriage, because it is evidence to me that there is something more powerful at work here than just things of this earth.
5. IT MAKES US BETTER PEOPLE. If we do it right. If we buy into the philosophy that we should give ourselves completely to our spouse. When I focus on Dustin and not myself, I become better. When he focuses on me, he becomes better. And in that outwardly focus both of us get our needs and wants met. Marriage is about sacrifice and whenever we sacrifice, selfishness is weeded out of us. This is a good thing. The more I give of myself to Dustin, the more blessings I receive in return. In every way, this makes us better: More patient, more kind, more giving, and more loving. That is what true love is; denial of self for the betterment of the one you love. Yet, we are returned the gift when we shower it on others.
6. THERE IS SOMEONE THERE FOR THE UPS AND DOWNS. Marriage is hard work, which means it’s worth it. Anything that asks your all has to be worth it. Faith is this way. Raising children is this way. Marriage is this way. Dustin is there with me on days that are so-so. He is there on days that are dark. He is there on days that are brighter than the sun. No one here on earth sees you like a spouse does. This creates a connectedness that you don’t share with anyone else. Like the song says, “God gave me you for the ups and downs.” This is one of our greatest gifts as a spouse: To relish in the ups and to be a comfort in the downs every single day. I like being Dustin’s safe place to land. I love being the arms that he comes home to when life is good or bad. I get to be his strength and his refuge. I am honored to be so lucky.
7. WE CHALLENGE EACH OTHER. Marriage is not meant to be stagnant. We should not look like the same couple now as we were 13 years ago. I have seen us change for the better. Each year of our marriage we have found ways to challenge each other whether it be in the mental, physical, or spiritual realm. I delight in watching Dustin grow into a better man. We see each other struggle through these challenges like no other person can. We learn how to read each other; to know when the other is needing a boost or encouragement. There is no jealously here, no spitefulness. I am free to fully reach my potential with Dustin’s help because in no way does he measure his success against mine. In fact, just like my children, I want him to do better than me. I know he wants the same for me. It’s nice to have each …
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]]>Dustin and I will celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary this coming Monday. Each year of our marriage has brought new joys, new challenges, new growth for both of us, and, yes, sometimes sadness. Through these years, I have only grown in my wonder for the beautiful sacrament of marriage and I feel blessed to walk this life by Dustin’s side. Here are 10 things I love about being married in no particular order.
1. THE MOMENTS MEANT FOR JUST US. This is going to sound crazy, but while I loved our wedding day, it is not often the day I reflect back on most. That was just one day in our history together and, sadly, it goes by in a whirl-wind. I swear it’s the quickest day of your life. You get dressed, you have the ceremony, you socialize with all your friends, you hopefully get a dance together, and then it’s over in a flash. I cherish that day because it’s the day Dustin and I became us. Yet, more often than not, I dig into my heart for those tender moments that really only mean something to him and me. The “our” moments. They are the moments that bind us and create our story.
2. WE ARE KEEPERS OF EACH OTHER’S SOULS. I didn’t know this when we first married. I didn’t understand the magnitude. Marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic Church and as we’ve grown in our understanding of marriage and all that it entails, I’ve come to see that Dustin and I are to mirror Christ’s love. It really is a beautiful teaching. My job, as Dustin’s wife, is to guide him to heaven. He is to do the same for me. We do that by offering each other the kind of unconditional, sacrificing, forgiving, selfless love that Christ offers us. When we do this only blessings flow.
3. WE ARE ENTRUSTED WITH THE CARE OF OUR CHILDREN. Our kids are products of our love. They are the best of both of us wrapped up in these funny, intelligent, innocent, loving children. They are our legacy. They are the greatest gifts we can give the world. We are their first teachers and their first understandings of love and life. It’s a hefty job, but the joy our children give to us cannot be measured or truly explained. We have created a family spiritually held together by the commitment Dustin and I have to each other.
4. WE ARE STITCHED TOGETHER. Our wedding and union together bound us. It’s like on that day, God took out his threading needle and stitched our souls together. But, not with thread. He stitched us with a mysterious material only God could create. To realize that we are two people but one flesh, is remarkably supernatural. The peace and joy it brings me is ever present. I can feel this “thread” burn when Dustin is not with me. It’s like it calls out to him, searching for him. And when he is near and with me, I am content. I love this about marriage, because it is evidence to me that there is something more powerful at work here than just things of this earth.
5. IT MAKES US BETTER PEOPLE. If we do it right. If we buy into the philosophy that we should give ourselves completely to our spouse. When I focus on Dustin and not myself, I become better. When he focuses on me, he becomes better. And in that outwardly focus both of us get our needs and wants met. Marriage is about sacrifice and whenever we sacrifice, selfishness is weeded out of us. This is a good thing. The more I give of myself to Dustin, the more blessings I receive in return. In every way, this makes us better: More patient, more kind, more giving, and more loving. That is what true love is; denial of self for the betterment of the one you love. Yet, we are returned the gift when we shower it on others.
6. THERE IS SOMEONE THERE FOR THE UPS AND DOWNS. Marriage is hard work, which means it’s worth it. Anything that asks your all has to be worth it. Faith is this way. Raising children is this way. Marriage is this way. Dustin is there with me on days that are so-so. He is there on days that are dark. He is there on days that are brighter than the sun. No one here on earth sees you like a spouse does. This creates a connectedness that you don’t share with anyone else. Like the song says, “God gave me you for the ups and downs.” This is one of our greatest gifts as a spouse: To relish in the ups and to be a comfort in the downs every single day. I like being Dustin’s safe place to land. I love being the arms that he comes home to when life is good or bad. I get to be his strength and his refuge. I am honored to be so lucky.
7. WE CHALLENGE EACH OTHER. Marriage is not meant to be stagnant. We should not look like the same couple now as we were 13 years ago. I have seen us change for the better. Each year of our marriage we have found ways to challenge each other whether it be in the mental, physical, or spiritual realm. I delight in watching Dustin grow into a better man. We see each other struggle through these challenges like no other person can. We learn how to read each other; to know when the other is needing a boost or encouragement. There is no jealously here, no spitefulness. I am free to fully reach my potential with Dustin’s help because in no way does he measure his success against mine. In fact, just like my children, I want him to do better than me. I know he wants the same for me. It’s nice to have each …
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I’ve really struggled with this blog. Not because I feel wishy-washy about the topic, but because, to me, it’s so important that I’m not sure I can give it due justice. I’ve recently heard a lot talk regarding this issue and it’s left me…well, disheartened. Fear crept in over the negative attention I know it will receive and I don’t really want to deal with that. But, after several days of rolling through a myriad of emotions, I’ve mustered up my bravery and refuse to shy away from what speaks to me. So, you may find this topic distasteful, you may flat out disagree, but I feel there is society’s “truth” and then there is TRUTH. I’ve spent a HUGE amount of time thinking about this from all angles, reflecting, searching my belief system and it all comes down to this: Chastity is a virtue.
Several months ago, I was speaking with a very nice lady and we were discussing our pre-teen children. She has a boy, I obviously, have a girl. We were discussing the life changes they were going through and how to talk to them. She asked me if I had talked with my daughter about puberty and “the birds and the bees,” to which I replied, “Yes, I have.” I explained to her that, for girls, there are some great books out there that you can buy. Reading the books together offers a great way to start the conversation and explain things as you move from subject to subject.
She asked me if I knew of any books that were for boys. I replied, “Well, I don’t know of many, but a friend of mine uses one that is all about chastity and respecting women. It’s Catholic, so I don’t know how you feel about that, but she says that it has been a great book to read together.”
Her response, “Hmm..chastity. That’s a bit extreme.”
I have mulled this conversation over and over in my mind. Is chastity extreme? What exactly did she mean by that? Did she mean a.) it’s extreme because it’s mostly a religious belief that most think is unattainable in the real world or b.) that it’s a bad idea? Maybe she meant both, I can’t be sure. Either way, it saddens me that chastity is viewed as something to be avoided.
I’m not sure where the notion that “chastity is extreme” came from. We attempt to protect our children from EVERYTHING, but not their hearts, minds, and bodies when it comes to sex. This matter has major consequences, so I’m not quite sure why we just leave it up to our kids to figure out. I guess chastity is extreme, if by extreme you mean, not the popular road to travel because it’s hard. The most challenging things in life are usually the most rewarding.
The large majority of people agree that there is an age that is too young for sex. For instance, most people agree that twelve-years old is too young to engage in sex, but why twelve? What about thirteen? If thirteen is too immature, then why not fourteen, fifteen, sixteen? At what age does chastity become extreme? Up until a certain point we all agree that chastity is best, but then at some magical age, that wall comes crashing down and then it becomes a bad idea?
So, at what age does sex become OK? Maybe you could say 18, but why is adulthood the magic transition point? Why does chastity become extreme once you reach adulthood? Because you need to gain a lot of experience with many different partners? Somehow, great quantities of partners enables you to perform magical bedroom gymnastics to wow future lovers? Others argue we are sexual by nature and shouldn’t squash that desire. This is like saying that discipline and self-control are negative traits and should be resisted. Many would say that adults are mature enough to engage in sex. But, just because you are “mature” enough to engage in something, does that necessarily mean it’s the best thing to do?
Recently, on the internet, an article started circulating about how some Christian groups are having “Purity Balls.” At these events, fathers give their daughters a ring that signifies her promise to remain chaste until she is married and the fathers promise to protect her heart, body, and mind. This is not a new phenomemon, but apparently the “ick” factor has kicked in. Some churches are saying that the father becomes the daughter’s boyfriend during her pre-martial years. Yep, that language sounds weird and icky, however we are glomming onto one aspect of these events and ignoring the real intent. As is typical, we are allowing some very prejudice people to cloud our judgement on an issue. The anti-chastity crowd found the one thing about these events that seems slightly off and they shine a light on only that; leaving the real meaning and purpose hidden in the shadows.
Speaking of fathers, this topic begs more questions. When did it become ridiculous for fathers to want to protect their daughters from all the emotional scars that they know come from pre-martial sex? I took all the classes in college that ranted on men’s eternal quest to control women’s sex lives. I’ve heard the entire spiel. Do we honestly think that the majority of fathers are creepsters who desire to control their daughter’s sex life? I know this is a crazy notion, but could it be possible that these dads are trying to be good, loving fathers who are protecting their daughters? Maybe, just maybe, these men know boys’ minds and want to shield their daughters from being used, discarded, and left to deal with the pain of finding out that they were only wanted for one thing. Could it be a possibility?
A few days after the conversation with the lady in the beginning, I read this on Facebook in relation to the anti-chastity article:
“Look Dads, your precious angels wanna …
The post Is Chastity Too Extreme? appeared first on .
]]>I’ve really struggled with this blog. Not because I feel wishy-washy about the topic, but because, to me, it’s so important that I’m not sure I can give it due justice. I’ve recently heard a lot talk regarding this issue and it’s left me…well, disheartened. Fear crept in over the negative attention I know it will receive and I don’t really want to deal with that. But, after several days of rolling through a myriad of emotions, I’ve mustered up my bravery and refuse to shy away from what speaks to me. So, you may find this topic distasteful, you may flat out disagree, but I feel there is society’s “truth” and then there is TRUTH. I’ve spent a HUGE amount of time thinking about this from all angles, reflecting, searching my belief system and it all comes down to this: Chastity is a virtue.
Several months ago, I was speaking with a very nice lady and we were discussing our pre-teen children. She has a boy, I obviously, have a girl. We were discussing the life changes they were going through and how to talk to them. She asked me if I had talked with my daughter about puberty and “the birds and the bees,” to which I replied, “Yes, I have.” I explained to her that, for girls, there are some great books out there that you can buy. Reading the books together offers a great way to start the conversation and explain things as you move from subject to subject.
She asked me if I knew of any books that were for boys. I replied, “Well, I don’t know of many, but a friend of mine uses one that is all about chastity and respecting women. It’s Catholic, so I don’t know how you feel about that, but she says that it has been a great book to read together.”
Her response, “Hmm..chastity. That’s a bit extreme.”
I have mulled this conversation over and over in my mind. Is chastity extreme? What exactly did she mean by that? Did she mean a.) it’s extreme because it’s mostly a religious belief that most think is unattainable in the real world or b.) that it’s a bad idea? Maybe she meant both, I can’t be sure. Either way, it saddens me that chastity is viewed as something to be avoided.
I’m not sure where the notion that “chastity is extreme” came from. We attempt to protect our children from EVERYTHING, but not their hearts, minds, and bodies when it comes to sex. This matter has major consequences, so I’m not quite sure why we just leave it up to our kids to figure out. I guess chastity is extreme, if by extreme you mean, not the popular road to travel because it’s hard. The most challenging things in life are usually the most rewarding.
The large majority of people agree that there is an age that is too young for sex. For instance, most people agree that twelve-years old is too young to engage in sex, but why twelve? What about thirteen? If thirteen is too immature, then why not fourteen, fifteen, sixteen? At what age does chastity become extreme? Up until a certain point we all agree that chastity is best, but then at some magical age, that wall comes crashing down and then it becomes a bad idea?
So, at what age does sex become OK? Maybe you could say 18, but why is adulthood the magic transition point? Why does chastity become extreme once you reach adulthood? Because you need to gain a lot of experience with many different partners? Somehow, great quantities of partners enables you to perform magical bedroom gymnastics to wow future lovers? Others argue we are sexual by nature and shouldn’t squash that desire. This is like saying that discipline and self-control are negative traits and should be resisted. Many would say that adults are mature enough to engage in sex. But, just because you are “mature” enough to engage in something, does that necessarily mean it’s the best thing to do?
Recently, on the internet, an article started circulating about how some Christian groups are having “Purity Balls.” At these events, fathers give their daughters a ring that signifies her promise to remain chaste until she is married and the fathers promise to protect her heart, body, and mind. This is not a new phenomemon, but apparently the “ick” factor has kicked in. Some churches are saying that the father becomes the daughter’s boyfriend during her pre-martial years. Yep, that language sounds weird and icky, however we are glomming onto one aspect of these events and ignoring the real intent. As is typical, we are allowing some very prejudice people to cloud our judgement on an issue. The anti-chastity crowd found the one thing about these events that seems slightly off and they shine a light on only that; leaving the real meaning and purpose hidden in the shadows.
Speaking of fathers, this topic begs more questions. When did it become ridiculous for fathers to want to protect their daughters from all the emotional scars that they know come from pre-martial sex? I took all the classes in college that ranted on men’s eternal quest to control women’s sex lives. I’ve heard the entire spiel. Do we honestly think that the majority of fathers are creepsters who desire to control their daughter’s sex life? I know this is a crazy notion, but could it be possible that these dads are trying to be good, loving fathers who are protecting their daughters? Maybe, just maybe, these men know boys’ minds and want to shield their daughters from being used, discarded, and left to deal with the pain of finding out that they were only wanted for one thing. Could it be a possibility?
A few days after the conversation with the lady in the beginning, I read this on Facebook in relation to the anti-chastity article:
“Look Dads, your precious angels wanna …
The post Is Chastity Too Extreme? appeared first on .
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