The Smothering Expectations of Modern-Day Feminism

All throughout my 20s and some of my 30s, there was a great war being fought within my mind. It was an unnecessary battle but one that had been waging since my college days. The war was between two Amys: Amy 1 felt it was her moral duty to get out in the workforce and “make something of herself.” Amy 2 longed to stay home with her daughter. It was made clear in college to Amy 1 and 2 that to not get out in the “man’s world” would make her….well…an embarrassment to the female population. Staying home and raising children or “keeping house” was not to be desired in the slightest.

So, for a long time, Amy 1 ruled the roost. I worked at different jobs because I had degrees and, Lord knows, I would waste them if I didn’t do something super duper monumental with them immediately. So, as soon as I graduated with a BS in sociology, I naturally got a “well-paying” job as a waitress. Then I worked in the mall at New York and Company. Then I worked for a bunch of hot-headed, self-absorbed defense attorneys who basically paid me in bread crumbs. From there, I worked at base legal at Wright–Patterson Air Force Base where I, still to this day, have no idea why they created the position I held. There was so little for me to do, I had to get ultra-creative just to fill my time.

Every day, I would drop my daughter off at daycare and wish with all my heart that I could stay home with her. But it was wrong, you see, to think such things. Women had fought hard so that we no longer had to be stuck at home raising “rug rats” and cooking meals for our unappreciative husbands. We had been liberated! We were free to go into the workplace and push elbows around with the big boys. Staying home was relegating women back into the Dark Ages and that was a bad place where the patriarchy ruled the universe. No self-respecting woman would EVER desire to stay home EVER again. If you did, well, it was clear and obvious that you were a weak, brainwashed woman that was a slave to your husband. Shame on you.

So, Amy 1 decided to go back to school and get a Masters in criminology. I thoroughly enjoyed my time back in school and I learned a lot. I interned at a juvenile detention facility which I found rewarding. I decided to specialize in sexual violence crimes and I wrote my whole thesis on the subject. When we moved to Florida, I got an important job as the program director for the rape crisis program at the Salvation Army Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Program. Not only was I a director, but I was also a counselor and an advocate for victims of sexual violence. In addition, I traveled all over a six-county region teaching and educating police, judges, nurses, and high school students about sexual violence. I loved my work and I found it very fulfilling. But…I still ached to be home with my two daughters.

During this period of my life, everything felt rushed. We rushed out to work and school in the mornings. We rushed home to dinner. We rushed to gymnastics practice. We rushed to get the girls to bed on time so that we could rush out the door in the morning. On the weekends, we rushed around trying to prepare for the coming week. While I loved my job, I felt that our family life had taken a back seat. My girls were so little, yet they were growing so fast and I felt I was missing out. Amy 2 kept banging on my heart, but I had to ignore her. Modern feminism told me that my life would amount to nothing if I stayed home. People would think I was boring. People would think that I was lame. I’d have nothing exciting to share about my life at high school reunions. But…still…the ache continued.

Through all this, my husband was extremely supportive. He patiently listened to me battle through this war over and over again. Each time, he’d say, “Amy, if you want to work, I completely support you in that. But, if you want to stay home, I completely support that, too. We’ll adjust our lifestyle and live with less money if we need to.” I told him that I worried that he would find me boring if I was nothing more than a “stay-at-home” mom. He just laughed at my tendency for dramatic notions. “I didn’t marry you because you were a working woman, I married you because I love you.”

Here was my husband, who was leaving the decision of whether to work or stay home up to me. I felt no pressure from him to conform to any particular path. He knew I needed to make this decision on my own and he supported me either way.

Where I felt pressure from was the modern-day feminist movement. I felt under the thumb and critical eye of liberal feminists that told me in college that the “traditional” ways were/are horrible, terrible, bad. I was told that the patriarchy ruled my life and I had to escape its grasp. In all honesty, though, the only grasp I felt squeezed in was the one from the group that supposedly was supposed to set me free. The mental anguish was torture and I hated feeling so trapped.

I am grateful for the courageous women in the past who fought to create equality in the workplace and in our society for women. I’m grateful I can vote. I’m grateful I can take out my own bank account. I’m grateful I can own my own property if I so choose and I’m grateful I can go to just about any college I want. Because of the efforts of numerous women, I can explore pretty much any career field and dream as big as I dare.

But, somewhere along the line, what started out as a good and necessary movement, has turned into a stifling, oppressive, negative one. For modern-day feminists, there are rules–set rules–that must be adhered to for you to be deemed an “acceptable” woman.

They are:

1. You must not desire more than one child. Two is the absolute limit and never consider three or more. Why would you ever do that to yourself? What is best is to desire no children at all.

2. If an unwanted pregnancy occurs have no qualms about murdering your unborn child through abortion. Children hold you back. Children suck your “life force.” Children keep you from being a truly successful woman.

3. Never desire to do anything remotely feminine at home. Cooking, laundry, cleaning are nothing but slave labor instituted by the patriarchy.

4. Men are awful and you should hate them. However, you need to be more like a man. You should really only want to do things that men like to do. If you enjoy doing traditionally feminine things, it’s only because you are socially conditioned that way and you need to break free.

5. Working outside the home is the only thing you are allowed to desire for your life.

The fact is, is that the lives of all women are unique and each woman has a certain set of circumstances that forms her decisions. Some women need to work for their families, but desire to stay home. Some women are single mothers and have no choice. Some women have always dreamed of staying home and raising a family. Some women want to raise their little ones at home and then go back to work once they are school age. Some women like to stay home and volunteer as a way of giving back to their communities. Some women, like my own mother, enjoy working outside the home but still do an excellent job of balancing work and home responsibilities.

As I got older, I started to ditch this restrictive way of thinking imposed upon me by many women in our culture and by liberal professors. I realized that I’m an “acceptable” woman whether I work or stay home with my children. Authentic feminism believes that women are equal to men in dignity and worth. Women bring unique and special attributes to our world and we should celebrate the beautiful gifts of motherhood and womanhood. We shouldn’t limit women in all the ways they can serve their families and their communities.

My life is not just about me. It is about those that I love. I have found the modern-day feminist movement to be selfish and lonely. That is not to say that all mothers who work outside the home are selfish. The movement and its messaging to women is what’s selfish. For the movement, the only thing that matters is to serve yourself. The focus is on working for yourself, not because your work can be of service to others.

Now that I am in my 40s, I am more comfortable in my skin and I will do what is best for our family. I’ve learned that God’s Will for my life is what truly matters, not what liberal feminists want of women. There is no longer Amy 1 or Amy 2 battling in my mind; there’s just Amy now and I’m at peace.

What works best for my family is for me to stay home and homeschool our children. Our home has more peace and harmony now. My husband and I work as a great team. He is helpful and supportive. I know this isn’t the case for every woman. However, I have found that it’s other women who have smothered me with certain expectations and I know I’m not the only woman who feels this way.

If you are a woman and you want to use your skills outside the home, go for it. If you feel called to a certain job then go and do it to the best of your ability.

If you are a woman and you want to be a stay-at-home mom, do it. It is noble and good work. While not paid, it has immense rewards.

If you are a woman and you feel called to the consecrated life, do it. What a beautiful sacrifice to the world and to God.

Whether working or at home, it’s important to be creative, learn new things, work to improve lives, be genuine, follow passions, feed your mind, challenge yourself, serve others in some capacity, and ask God to help you shine in the present moment.

“Thank you, every woman, for the simple fact of being a woman! Through the insight which is so much a part of your womanhood you enrich the world’s understanding and help to make human relations more honest and authentic.” –St. John Paul II