I’ve really struggled with this blog. Not because I feel wishy-washy about the topic, but because, to me, it’s so important that I’m not sure I can give it due justice. I’ve recently heard a lot talk regarding this issue and it’s left me…well, disheartened. Fear crept in over the negative attention I know it will receive and I don’t really want to deal with that. But, after several days of rolling through a myriad of emotions, I’ve mustered up my bravery and refuse to shy away from what speaks to me. So, you may find this topic distasteful, you may flat out disagree, but I feel there is society’s “truth” and then there is TRUTH. I’ve spent a HUGE amount of time thinking about this from all angles, reflecting, searching my belief system and it all comes down to this: Chastity is a virtue.
Several months ago, I was speaking with a very nice lady and we were discussing our pre-teen children. She has a boy, I obviously, have a girl. We were discussing the life changes they were going through and how to talk to them. She asked me if I had talked with my daughter about puberty and “the birds and the bees,” to which I replied, “Yes, I have.” I explained to her that, for girls, there are some great books out there that you can buy. Reading the books together offers a great way to start the conversation and explain things as you move from subject to subject.
She asked me if I knew of any books that were for boys. I replied, “Well, I don’t know of many, but a friend of mine uses one that is all about chastity and respecting women. It’s Catholic, so I don’t know how you feel about that, but she says that it has been a great book to read together.”
Her response, “Hmm..chastity. That’s a bit extreme.”
I have mulled this conversation over and over in my mind. Is chastity extreme? What exactly did she mean by that? Did she mean a.) it’s extreme because it’s mostly a religious belief that most think is unattainable in the real world or b.) that it’s a bad idea? Maybe she meant both, I can’t be sure. Either way, it saddens me that chastity is viewed as something to be avoided.
I’m not sure where the notion that “chastity is extreme” came from. We attempt to protect our children from EVERYTHING, but not their hearts, minds, and bodies when it comes to sex. This matter has major consequences, so I’m not quite sure why we just leave it up to our kids to figure out. I guess chastity is extreme, if by extreme you mean, not the popular road to travel because it’s hard. The most challenging things in life are usually the most rewarding.
The large majority of people agree that there is an age that is too young for sex. For instance, most people agree that twelve-years old is too young to engage in sex, but why twelve? What about thirteen? If thirteen is too immature, then why not fourteen, fifteen, sixteen? At what age does chastity become extreme? Up until a certain point we all agree that chastity is best, but then at some magical age, that wall comes crashing down and then it becomes a bad idea?
So, at what age does sex become OK? Maybe you could say 18, but why is adulthood the magic transition point? Why does chastity become extreme once you reach adulthood? Because you need to gain a lot of experience with many different partners? Somehow, great quantities of partners enables you to perform magical bedroom gymnastics to wow future lovers? Others argue we are sexual by nature and shouldn’t squash that desire. This is like saying that discipline and self-control are negative traits and should be resisted. Many would say that adults are mature enough to engage in sex. But, just because you are “mature” enough to engage in something, does that necessarily mean it’s the best thing to do?
Recently, on the internet, an article started circulating about how some Christian groups are having “Purity Balls.” At these events, fathers give their daughters a ring that signifies her promise to remain chaste until she is married and the fathers promise to protect her heart, body, and mind. This is not a new phenomemon, but apparently the “ick” factor has kicked in. Some churches are saying that the father becomes the daughter’s boyfriend during her pre-martial years. Yep, that language sounds weird and icky, however we are glomming onto one aspect of these events and ignoring the real intent. As is typical, we are allowing some very prejudice people to cloud our judgement on an issue. The anti-chastity crowd found the one thing about these events that seems slightly off and they shine a light on only that; leaving the real meaning and purpose hidden in the shadows.
Speaking of fathers, this topic begs more questions. When did it become ridiculous for fathers to want to protect their daughters from all the emotional scars that they know come from pre-martial sex? I took all the classes in college that ranted on men’s eternal quest to control women’s sex lives. I’ve heard the entire spiel. Do we honestly think that the majority of fathers are creepsters who desire to control their daughter’s sex life? I know this is a crazy notion, but could it be possible that these dads are trying to be good, loving fathers who are protecting their daughters? Maybe, just maybe, these men know boys’ minds and want to shield their daughters from being used, discarded, and left to deal with the pain of finding out that they were only wanted for one thing. Could it be a possibility?
A few days after the conversation with the lady in the beginning, I read this on Facebook in relation to the anti-chastity article:
“Look Dads, your precious angels wanna screw just as much as you. Stop with the virginity crap…”
And this is where I fell into a deep sadness. This is the mindset of the times and I don’t even know how to think about such dismissive, damaging language. I could NEVER, EVER imagine uttering such words when speaking about my two daughters. This statement from above caused such a negative, physical pain in me, I felt that I would vomit. I thought to myself, “Surely this kind of thought is an anomaly.” But, no. For days, I’ve been torturing myself to see if this lone person just had a far-out-there belief about chastity. This person is definitely, most definitely, not alone.
Here are some other choice comments from online articles:
“Purity=stupidity.”
“Pre-marital chastity is an incredibly bad and even stupid idea.”
“Holding off until marriage risks finding out that you and your partner really aren’t turned on by each other, which almost inevitably leads to infidelity and unhappiness. So stop screwing around and screw.”
This is the better way? This is the best way to live life? To relegate a beautiful, intimate, sacred act down to nothing more than hedonistic animal desire? This is wisdom? The only reason people gave as evidence for purity’s stupidity is that it’s holding people back from getting what they want. What is really being said here, is that discipline and self-control are worthless. They tout that it is a better trait to selfishly use another person’s body for your own physical pleasure.
There is, however, part of their argument that I do agree with: “What about the boys?” many ask. “Why are we not holding them to the same standards? Why are we only focusing on girls?” I agree. We should be teaching boys chastity, we just can’t do it in the same way. You have to appeal to the sexes in what speaks to them. “Purity Balls” will have a TOTALLY different connotation for boys and they will reel with laughter. Also, having teenage sons and moms swap rings and promises will fail miserably.
For boys, you need to appeal to their desire to be protectors, to be defenders. You have to appeal to their willingness to give up apart of themselves for the betterment of others–to be honorable. I think we can all agree, young men in our culture need to view women as people, not as sexual objects. However, when your rebel yell is, “Don’t hold back! Have as much sex as possible!” it gives boys the green light to take advantage. Boys only want “easy” girls for sex, not anything else. Being used just for sex creates a whole lot of baggage.
Most of us know the baggage associated with not waiting. And maybe I’m wrong in saying this, but I’d rather not have that baggage, because no amount of experience makes it worth it. Virginity is such a beautiful gift to give to a future spouse, but somewhere along the way we have stripped that gift of its specialness. What a profound act of love to save yourself for someone you haven’t even met yet. Imagine being told on your wedding night, “I have been waiting for you my whole life. Before I knew you, I was waiting for you. I knew then that I would love you. And I have always wanted to give myself only to you.”
Instead, we have chucked the gift on the pile of “extreme” and unattainable possibilities. We mock and jeer those that sacrifice in the name of love. I don’t want to do that. I want my children to know, without a doubt, that I believe in them and their strength to wait. Because it’s best for them and their future spouse. When believed in, children always seem to rise to the occasion. Not always, of course, and we love them no matter what. As parents, though, we owe it to them to believe in them enough to be able to do it. The only reason that this is deemed as impossible, is because we tell ourselves and our kids, “No, you won’t be able to do this.”
I know there’s the argument about chastity not working, but I’ll answer that in a future blog. But for now, I’ll leave you with this: Chastity is gained through discipline and self-sacrifice, while promoting honor, respect, and love. Sexual promiscuity is fraught with selfishness, greed, and pride. One is a virtue, one is not.
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Coincidentally, one of my best friends recently gave me a booklet called, “Pure Womanhood.” She explained to me that she related to a lot in the book and that she wanted to give it to all the women in her life, especially the ones raising daughters. She thought it would be a good conversation starter and teaching tool. She bought over 100 of them and has been passing them out to all the women that she knows. I admire her for having such a generous heart.
I devoured the booklet in 30 minutes. I had my husband read it, too, so that he could understand how teenage girls and women think. I, too, related a lot to what was said in the book and I will definitely be using it to talk to my girls about chastity. I am grateful to my friend for sharing it with me.
I purchased a few of these booklets myself and I would like to give two away today. The first two people that respond to me and let me know that they would like one, I will mail you a copy.
If you want to buy the book (there are ones for boys, as well) go here: http://shop.catholic.com/booklets/chastity.html. It only costs $2.95.
