I know I should probably give you all some thoughts about Easter or COVID-19, but my grandmother died this past week and she’s on my heart. I, also, know that writing a personal blog about someone you all don’t know will probably not be very popular. But, I’m a writer and I’m always compelled to write about what’s sitting front-and-certain in my mind. Maybe, I can write this well enough to help you think of your own grandmother with lots of love.
Many years ago, I was in New York City touring around with my husband’s family. We hit the city hard and saw many of the must-see sights. It was a blast of a trip and so many good memories were made. One night, though, I was looking out the tiny window of our tiny hotel room and, all of a sudden, I had this overwhelming desire to be in my grandparent’s town. It was almost a craving and I sat and wondered why in the world I was thinking of that tiny town in Southeast Kansas.
New York is high-paced and noisy. Lights are everywhere; taxis are zooming here and there. There is a pulse to the city but in the midst of it all, you can feel very small. You can almost feel unknown and unimportant. Colony, Kansas is everything that New York City is not: It’s tiny, quiet, simple, and barely populated. It is a place, though, that I have always felt known, loved, and important. A huge reason for that was my grandmother.
When I’d visit her in the summertime, I’d wake up in the morning to the smell of coffee and bacon. The cool morning breeze would be blowing through the open windows and the only sounds you’d hear were birds in the yard. When I’d make my way downstairs into the kitchen, there was my grandma all ready for the day. She’d serve you up anything you wanted. As a little girl, I’d tell her about all my friends at school. As a teenager, I’d tell her my dating woes and frustrations with life. As an adult, I talked to her about being a mother and wife. She listened to every word and always made me feel like I was heard.
Perhaps one of the things I like to brag on her about the most is her cooking abilities. The woman could cook. To top it all off, it was her delight to prepare a feast and gather her family around to enjoy it. Sure, she’d fuss about how she “just didn’t feel it was very good” but we’d all gluttonously reassure her in our food coma that it was “out of this world.” Her specialty was fried chicken. I don’t know if it was grandma love that made it so good or just a God-given talent but it wins the grand champion ribbon in my book. You may call me biased but she once owned a restaurant for 14 years and people would drive over many counties’ lines just to enjoy her food.
Spending time with her was so simple yet so fun. She loved to play cards and every single one of her grandkids was schooled in the ways of Hearts or Rummy. She loved late night snack time where she’d often treat us to ice cream or a bowl of sugary cereal that was forbidden by our parents. She’d always swear us to secrecy with a wink and a smile.
My grandmother lived to be 91 years old. She was equal parts tough-old gal and ever a lady. Growing up, she worked out on her parent’s farm which was part of what caught my grandfather’s eye. He was impressed by her strong nature and the fact that she was a beauty didn’t hurt either. She owned her own business for 14 years, coached my mom’s softball team for a few years, and she was known to speak her mind. God have mercy on the soul that dared sass her. I know exactly where I get my fiery spirit from. My kids like to tease me about how I get “riled up” sometimes. Well, I saw my grandmother get “riled up” a few times and it showed me that a woman does not have to sit back and be a doormat.
For all her toughness, though, she was equally a lady. Never one to go out without “putting her face” on, my grandma always looked put together. She took pride in keeping a clean, welcoming home. Often she would tell her granddaughters, “Now girls, when you get married someday, don’t let yourself go. A woman needs to look like a lady and your husband will appreciate it. It makes a man feel good to know his wife still likes to look good for him.” Unpopular words in our day, but truth none the less.
I couldn’t physically attend my grandma’s funeral because my family felt it was safer for me not to travel during this pandemic. It was pure torture not being there. My brother and two cousins couldn’t attend either and so we Zoomed in online for the small service, as only 10 people were allowed. During the service, my sister got up to say some words about our grandma. She said that a strong woman is the glue that holds a family together. How right she is. My grandmother was the glue of our family. She was a strong, loving matriarch. She gathered her family members for dinners around my grandparent’s dining room table. We laughed, told stories, and even cried a few times. We were all gathered because my grandmother lovingly prepared a delicious meal to share with us. Our stomachs were satisfied, but so were our souls with love and togetherness. I know that it must have made her heart feel complete to have us all there under her roof. She wanted to draw us all to her because of her love and that makes a person …
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]]>I know I should probably give you all some thoughts about Easter or COVID-19, but my grandmother died this past week and she’s on my heart. I, also, know that writing a personal blog about someone you all don’t know will probably not be very popular. But, I’m a writer and I’m always compelled to write about what’s sitting front-and-certain in my mind. Maybe, I can write this well enough to help you think of your own grandmother with lots of love.
Many years ago, I was in New York City touring around with my husband’s family. We hit the city hard and saw many of the must-see sights. It was a blast of a trip and so many good memories were made. One night, though, I was looking out the tiny window of our tiny hotel room and, all of a sudden, I had this overwhelming desire to be in my grandparent’s town. It was almost a craving and I sat and wondered why in the world I was thinking of that tiny town in Southeast Kansas.
New York is high-paced and noisy. Lights are everywhere; taxis are zooming here and there. There is a pulse to the city but in the midst of it all, you can feel very small. You can almost feel unknown and unimportant. Colony, Kansas is everything that New York City is not: It’s tiny, quiet, simple, and barely populated. It is a place, though, that I have always felt known, loved, and important. A huge reason for that was my grandmother.
When I’d visit her in the summertime, I’d wake up in the morning to the smell of coffee and bacon. The cool morning breeze would be blowing through the open windows and the only sounds you’d hear were birds in the yard. When I’d make my way downstairs into the kitchen, there was my grandma all ready for the day. She’d serve you up anything you wanted. As a little girl, I’d tell her about all my friends at school. As a teenager, I’d tell her my dating woes and frustrations with life. As an adult, I talked to her about being a mother and wife. She listened to every word and always made me feel like I was heard.
Perhaps one of the things I like to brag on her about the most is her cooking abilities. The woman could cook. To top it all off, it was her delight to prepare a feast and gather her family around to enjoy it. Sure, she’d fuss about how she “just didn’t feel it was very good” but we’d all gluttonously reassure her in our food coma that it was “out of this world.” Her specialty was fried chicken. I don’t know if it was grandma love that made it so good or just a God-given talent but it wins the grand champion ribbon in my book. You may call me biased but she once owned a restaurant for 14 years and people would drive over many counties’ lines just to enjoy her food.
Spending time with her was so simple yet so fun. She loved to play cards and every single one of her grandkids was schooled in the ways of Hearts or Rummy. She loved late night snack time where she’d often treat us to ice cream or a bowl of sugary cereal that was forbidden by our parents. She’d always swear us to secrecy with a wink and a smile.
My grandmother lived to be 91 years old. She was equal parts tough-old gal and ever a lady. Growing up, she worked out on her parent’s farm which was part of what caught my grandfather’s eye. He was impressed by her strong nature and the fact that she was a beauty didn’t hurt either. She owned her own business for 14 years, coached my mom’s softball team for a few years, and she was known to speak her mind. God have mercy on the soul that dared sass her. I know exactly where I get my fiery spirit from. My kids like to tease me about how I get “riled up” sometimes. Well, I saw my grandmother get “riled up” a few times and it showed me that a woman does not have to sit back and be a doormat.
For all her toughness, though, she was equally a lady. Never one to go out without “putting her face” on, my grandma always looked put together. She took pride in keeping a clean, welcoming home. Often she would tell her granddaughters, “Now girls, when you get married someday, don’t let yourself go. A woman needs to look like a lady and your husband will appreciate it. It makes a man feel good to know his wife still likes to look good for him.” Unpopular words in our day, but truth none the less.
I couldn’t physically attend my grandma’s funeral because my family felt it was safer for me not to travel during this pandemic. It was pure torture not being there. My brother and two cousins couldn’t attend either and so we Zoomed in online for the small service, as only 10 people were allowed. During the service, my sister got up to say some words about our grandma. She said that a strong woman is the glue that holds a family together. How right she is. My grandmother was the glue of our family. She was a strong, loving matriarch. She gathered her family members for dinners around my grandparent’s dining room table. We laughed, told stories, and even cried a few times. We were all gathered because my grandmother lovingly prepared a delicious meal to share with us. Our stomachs were satisfied, but so were our souls with love and togetherness. I know that it must have made her heart feel complete to have us all there under her roof. She wanted to draw us all to her because of her love and that makes a person …
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]]>
Tonight, I mindlessly looked out my living room window for about 30-minutes trying to figure out how to start this blog. Honestly, what more can be said on the topic of abortion that hasn’t already been said? Is there anything new I could possibly bring to the conversation? Don’t I wish I had the magic words to change pro-choice people’s hearts? I sure do, but I’m beginning to realize that I can only guide myself and my family.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post about how my first daughter was born out-of-wedlock when I was still in college. When I went to get a pregnancy test at the college clinic, the lady who worked there suggested I get an abortion. I obviously didn’t heed her words. This post really resonated with a lot of people, which gives me hope for the future of our country. However, I did get one woman who said, “Glad you made the choice that was best for you.”
To which I said, “Actually, I did what was best for my daughter. She deserved to live no matter the circumstances.” She then passive-aggressively informed me that I was arrogant for holding that belief.
Arrogant? Does that make sense? Is it arrogant to think people should live? Let that one soak in.
Recently, the Kermit Gosnell movie came out. I followed the case when Mr. Gosnell was being arrested and tried back in 2015. Now, the movie on the events has come out and has done exceptionally well and, yet, theaters are removing it. We all know why and it just affirms how right the pro-life movement is. You don’t try to hide, cover-up, and ignore things you know are right.
So, I sat my two teen daughters down this week and we talked about the Gosnell case. As I was explaining what went on in Mr. Gosnell’s facility based off the Grand Jury report, their faces coiled in disgust. My 13-year old asked how people could perform abortions and I said, “I honestly don’t know, honey. I truly don’t. It’s beyond my ability to understand.”
“Here is what I do know. The pro-choice side is very ugly. Look at the words they use: ‘Not human, a clump of cells, unwanted, parasite, mistake, and burden.’ They have to use euphemisms to cover up what is really happening. They use the word ‘abortion’ instead of ‘killing’ because saying what it truly is would mean they’d have to face the reality of the situation. They want to get rid of movies that show people the horrors of abortion. They promote the philosophy of me, myself, and I.
Contrast their words with the pro-life side. ‘Life, baby, giving, precious, important, human, worth, and dignity.’ We are not here on this earth to think only of ourselves. Our lives are meant to be a gift to others and sometimes that means sacrificing. Our lives are supposed to bring goodness, truth, and beauty into a very dark place. You know, people sometimes make poor choices and get pregnant out-of-wedlock or when they are teens and it’s hard. No doubt it’s hard. It is scary, I know. Yet, these are the times when we dig deep and rise to the occasion. This is when we strive to take a bad situation and turn it into something beautiful by bringing a new soul into the world. We don’t ever want to be the type of people that decide that certain groups of people are unworthy to live. All people have dignity and worth in the eyes of God and that’s how we need to see people. I want you girls to always bring more light, more positivity, more hope, and more love to this world. I want you to remember to be merciful and compassionate to those that have had abortions. They were fed a heap of lies and they are more than likely badly hurting. Fight against the message and the culture that propagates this evil message, but be loving to those that have been hurt by the message.”
I told my oldest about how the lady at the college clinic suggested abortion when I found out I was pregnant with her and how I rejected the offer.
She looked me straight in the eyes, smiled, and said, “Thank you.”
I struggled to say back, “You’re welcome.” Afterward, I thought a lot about why it was so hard for me to say that back to her and I think it’s because no child should ever have to thank their parent for letting them live. A parent should always do whatever they can to care, nurture, and protect their children. Children’s lives should never be viewed as a choice, no matter how small. With regard to my daughter, there was never any choice. Why? Because she is a human, a beautiful soul. I don’t have the authority or power to decide her fate, nor do I want to, because she is a gift. Just like I am a gift and you reading this are a gift. She is mine to love and every step of the way during her life, I must strive to always show her that she matters, that she’s here for a reason, and that I’m grateful for what she brings to my life. It’s the same with my other two kids. They are treasures. Someday, when my son is old enough to understand, I’ll have conversations with him, too. Like I said in the beginning, I don’t know that I’ll change anyone’s mind who is already committed to the pro-choice side. I only have control over this little tribe of people who I hold dear and I want this family to be better than the culture. I’ll be honest with my kids about abortion and I’ll give them all the information on it from the religious, scientific, and moral arguments. I guess I’ll work to change the culture by making sure this family is one of truth, …
The post A Late Night Conversation With My Teen Daughters About Abortion appeared first on .
]]>Tonight, I mindlessly looked out my living room window for about 30-minutes trying to figure out how to start this blog. Honestly, what more can be said on the topic of abortion that hasn’t already been said? Is there anything new I could possibly bring to the conversation? Don’t I wish I had the magic words to change pro-choice people’s hearts? I sure do, but I’m beginning to realize that I can only guide myself and my family.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post about how my first daughter was born out-of-wedlock when I was still in college. When I went to get a pregnancy test at the college clinic, the lady who worked there suggested I get an abortion. I obviously didn’t heed her words. This post really resonated with a lot of people, which gives me hope for the future of our country. However, I did get one woman who said, “Glad you made the choice that was best for you.”
To which I said, “Actually, I did what was best for my daughter. She deserved to live no matter the circumstances.” She then passive-aggressively informed me that I was arrogant for holding that belief.
Arrogant? Does that make sense? Is it arrogant to think people should live? Let that one soak in.
Recently, the Kermit Gosnell movie came out. I followed the case when Mr. Gosnell was being arrested and tried back in 2015. Now, the movie on the events has come out and has done exceptionally well and, yet, theaters are removing it. We all know why and it just affirms how right the pro-life movement is. You don’t try to hide, cover-up, and ignore things you know are right.
So, I sat my two teen daughters down this week and we talked about the Gosnell case. As I was explaining what went on in Mr. Gosnell’s facility based off the Grand Jury report, their faces coiled in disgust. My 13-year old asked how people could perform abortions and I said, “I honestly don’t know, honey. I truly don’t. It’s beyond my ability to understand.”
“Here is what I do know. The pro-choice side is very ugly. Look at the words they use: ‘Not human, a clump of cells, unwanted, parasite, mistake, and burden.’ They have to use euphemisms to cover up what is really happening. They use the word ‘abortion’ instead of ‘killing’ because saying what it truly is would mean they’d have to face the reality of the situation. They want to get rid of movies that show people the horrors of abortion. They promote the philosophy of me, myself, and I.
Contrast their words with the pro-life side. ‘Life, baby, giving, precious, important, human, worth, and dignity.’ We are not here on this earth to think only of ourselves. Our lives are meant to be a gift to others and sometimes that means sacrificing. Our lives are supposed to bring goodness, truth, and beauty into a very dark place. You know, people sometimes make poor choices and get pregnant out-of-wedlock or when they are teens and it’s hard. No doubt it’s hard. It is scary, I know. Yet, these are the times when we dig deep and rise to the occasion. This is when we strive to take a bad situation and turn it into something beautiful by bringing a new soul into the world. We don’t ever want to be the type of people that decide that certain groups of people are unworthy to live. All people have dignity and worth in the eyes of God and that’s how we need to see people. I want you girls to always bring more light, more positivity, more hope, and more love to this world. I want you to remember to be merciful and compassionate to those that have had abortions. They were fed a heap of lies and they are more than likely badly hurting. Fight against the message and the culture that propagates this evil message, but be loving to those that have been hurt by the message.”
I told my oldest about how the lady at the college clinic suggested abortion when I found out I was pregnant with her and how I rejected the offer.
She looked me straight in the eyes, smiled, and said, “Thank you.”
I struggled to say back, “You’re welcome.” Afterward, I thought a lot about why it was so hard for me to say that back to her and I think it’s because no child should ever have to thank their parent for letting them live. A parent should always do whatever they can to care, nurture, and protect their children. Children’s lives should never be viewed as a choice, no matter how small. With regard to my daughter, there was never any choice. Why? Because she is a human, a beautiful soul. I don’t have the authority or power to decide her fate, nor do I want to, because she is a gift. Just like I am a gift and you reading this are a gift. She is mine to love and every step of the way during her life, I must strive to always show her that she matters, that she’s here for a reason, and that I’m grateful for what she brings to my life. It’s the same with my other two kids. They are treasures. Someday, when my son is old enough to understand, I’ll have conversations with him, too. Like I said in the beginning, I don’t know that I’ll change anyone’s mind who is already committed to the pro-choice side. I only have control over this little tribe of people who I hold dear and I want this family to be better than the culture. I’ll be honest with my kids about abortion and I’ll give them all the information on it from the religious, scientific, and moral arguments. I guess I’ll work to change the culture by making sure this family is one of truth, …
The post A Late Night Conversation With My Teen Daughters About Abortion appeared first on .
]]>
Recently, I’ve had a lot of people private message me about their marriages. They are writing about marriages that have lost affection, ones that are void of love, and marriages that are teetering over the edge of a cliff poised to fall into destruction. It’s heartbreaking. There is a real and true pain that comes from a marriage that seems destined to fail. I know that hurt because I am the child of divorced parents and it’s a heartbreak that never fully heals.
It’s getting to the point in my life where a lot of people my age are starting to get divorced. Within the past couple of years, many couples that I know have called it quits or are living in marriages that are barely hanging on. What I’ve noticed is that the problems usually revolve around a few specific issues: Lack of proper communication, no effort, preoccupation with kids, and an expectation for the other person to always do the changing. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but they are the ones that come up most often. I plan on addressing these topics starting with the last one first.
A disclaimer: I realize that some marriages are filled with abuse or addiction or both. I’m not saying that you must stick it out in a dangerous marriage. Sometimes it is necessary to leave for the safety of you and your children. I’m speaking in this blog of marriages that are lackluster, lacking connection, or have faded into two people living in the same house, but that aren’t loving each other well.
THEY NEED TO CHANGE
Have you ever talked to a divorced person? I’m sure you have. Ever notice how when they talk about the downfall of their marriage it is ALWAYS the other person’s fault. The person you are talking to will give you a whole laundry list about how awful and impossible the other person was to deal with on a daily basis. You’ll hear all the juicy details and end up thinking that this person they are describing is an absolute monster. And yet…
I’ve learned a few things in life and one of them is this: Nobody likes to self-reflect and see where they need to change, myself included. And everybody likes to heap all blame on others and expect–DEMAND–them to change. Rarely is there ever a marriage where 100% of the problems can be set upon the shoulders of one. Relationships involve broken, faulty people. To think that we are perfect like a red, red rose is unhealthy and untrue. We ALL have annoying habits, faults, failings, and things we need to work on. If we are demanding others to change, we must demand the same standard for ourselves. In fact, demanding anyone to change will often be a recipe for disaster. All we can do is control ourselves and make sure that we are doing all that we can to be a good and loving spouse.
I’ve met a few people in my life who were willing to look at themselves and see how they contributed to the destruction of their marriage, but this is rare. A good practice to put into play is to periodically ask your spouse if there is anything that you can work on. On the flip side of this, if your spouse asks you, be honest. Tell them if there is something you see that could help them become better. Say it gently and with the purpose of loving correction, not spiteful criticism.
PREOCCUPATION WITH KIDS
I always have to preface this topic by first saying that I’m not encouraging you to neglect your kids. For some reason, when people hear “make your marriage a priority” they translate that into “NEGLECT YOUR KIDS!” You and your spouse are the foundation of your family. No foundation, no family. It is imperative that you and your spouse take time to focus on each other as romantic partners and not just parents. Too often, married couples are great at parenting, but lousy in the spousal department. These spouses have noble intentions, but remember, your kids need to know that you are a solid foundation. By only focusing on your kids and what’s best for them you could unintentionally leave them with a broken home. This isn’t what is best for your kids. What is best for your kids is to see mom and dad love each other. I wrote a whole blog on this that you can read here.
In my life, I’ve had numerous people say to me that it was best for them to break up because their kids didn’t need to see mom and dad fighting all the time. Then they will go on to tell me that since their break-up they are a super great parenting duo and they are great friends now. As a child of divorced parents, let me say that the absolute best thing for your kids is for mom and dad to learn to be great friends in their marriage instead of after it’s broken apart. If you can be great friends after divorce, you obviously have it in you to do it. Usually, they become great friends because all expectations are dropped. They aren’t expecting the other person to be a perfect spouse any longer and nobody is expecting them to be perfect. Baring the marriage isn’t toxic from abuse or addiction, what kids really need is mom and dad under one roof doing what it takes to save their marriage.
NO EFFORT
It is easy after the honeymoon period wears off to just settle into stability mode. I understand that kids, chores, bills, work, and outside commitments make it very hard to find loads of time to focus on your marriage. However, your relationship with your spouse is THE most important relationship you have with an earthly person. Your kids will move up and on and their families will take precedence over mom and dad. It’s very common for a …
The post Help! My Marriage Has “Lost That Loving Feeling!” appeared first on .
]]>Recently, I’ve had a lot of people private message me about their marriages. They are writing about marriages that have lost affection, ones that are void of love, and marriages that are teetering over the edge of a cliff poised to fall into destruction. It’s heartbreaking. There is a real and true pain that comes from a marriage that seems destined to fail. I know that hurt because I am the child of divorced parents and it’s a heartbreak that never fully heals.
It’s getting to the point in my life where a lot of people my age are starting to get divorced. Within the past couple of years, many couples that I know have called it quits or are living in marriages that are barely hanging on. What I’ve noticed is that the problems usually revolve around a few specific issues: Lack of proper communication, no effort, preoccupation with kids, and an expectation for the other person to always do the changing. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but they are the ones that come up most often. I plan on addressing these topics starting with the last one first.
A disclaimer: I realize that some marriages are filled with abuse or addiction or both. I’m not saying that you must stick it out in a dangerous marriage. Sometimes it is necessary to leave for the safety of you and your children. I’m speaking in this blog of marriages that are lackluster, lacking connection, or have faded into two people living in the same house, but that aren’t loving each other well.
THEY NEED TO CHANGE
Have you ever talked to a divorced person? I’m sure you have. Ever notice how when they talk about the downfall of their marriage it is ALWAYS the other person’s fault. The person you are talking to will give you a whole laundry list about how awful and impossible the other person was to deal with on a daily basis. You’ll hear all the juicy details and end up thinking that this person they are describing is an absolute monster. And yet…
I’ve learned a few things in life and one of them is this: Nobody likes to self-reflect and see where they need to change, myself included. And everybody likes to heap all blame on others and expect–DEMAND–them to change. Rarely is there ever a marriage where 100% of the problems can be set upon the shoulders of one. Relationships involve broken, faulty people. To think that we are perfect like a red, red rose is unhealthy and untrue. We ALL have annoying habits, faults, failings, and things we need to work on. If we are demanding others to change, we must demand the same standard for ourselves. In fact, demanding anyone to change will often be a recipe for disaster. All we can do is control ourselves and make sure that we are doing all that we can to be a good and loving spouse.
I’ve met a few people in my life who were willing to look at themselves and see how they contributed to the destruction of their marriage, but this is rare. A good practice to put into play is to periodically ask your spouse if there is anything that you can work on. On the flip side of this, if your spouse asks you, be honest. Tell them if there is something you see that could help them become better. Say it gently and with the purpose of loving correction, not spiteful criticism.
PREOCCUPATION WITH KIDS
I always have to preface this topic by first saying that I’m not encouraging you to neglect your kids. For some reason, when people hear “make your marriage a priority” they translate that into “NEGLECT YOUR KIDS!” You and your spouse are the foundation of your family. No foundation, no family. It is imperative that you and your spouse take time to focus on each other as romantic partners and not just parents. Too often, married couples are great at parenting, but lousy in the spousal department. These spouses have noble intentions, but remember, your kids need to know that you are a solid foundation. By only focusing on your kids and what’s best for them you could unintentionally leave them with a broken home. This isn’t what is best for your kids. What is best for your kids is to see mom and dad love each other. I wrote a whole blog on this that you can read here.
In my life, I’ve had numerous people say to me that it was best for them to break up because their kids didn’t need to see mom and dad fighting all the time. Then they will go on to tell me that since their break-up they are a super great parenting duo and they are great friends now. As a child of divorced parents, let me say that the absolute best thing for your kids is for mom and dad to learn to be great friends in their marriage instead of after it’s broken apart. If you can be great friends after divorce, you obviously have it in you to do it. Usually, they become great friends because all expectations are dropped. They aren’t expecting the other person to be a perfect spouse any longer and nobody is expecting them to be perfect. Baring the marriage isn’t toxic from abuse or addiction, what kids really need is mom and dad under one roof doing what it takes to save their marriage.
NO EFFORT
It is easy after the honeymoon period wears off to just settle into stability mode. I understand that kids, chores, bills, work, and outside commitments make it very hard to find loads of time to focus on your marriage. However, your relationship with your spouse is THE most important relationship you have with an earthly person. Your kids will move up and on and their families will take precedence over mom and dad. It’s very common for a …
The post Help! My Marriage Has “Lost That Loving Feeling!” appeared first on .
]]>
One of the moments in Christ’s earthly life that I reflect on the most is when He was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. Aside from the Crucifixion, it’s one of the most emotionally stirring accounts of Christ for me. I think it’s because in a small way, I can relate to Christ in that moment, because, I too, have been brought to my knees by the weight of sin.
If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you know that my teenage years were tumultuous. At age 16, I was wrapped up in the downward spiral of an abusive relationship, only to move into an even more abusive relationship after the first one combusted in a fiery flame of pride, selfishness, and jealousy. Outwardly, I kept it together, but inside I felt very used, lonely, and tormented.
On the worst night of my life, in the fall of my junior year of high school, I found myself broken and unsure of what to do. It was late in the night and sleep was not going to come. I’d already decided not to tell my parents because I didn’t want my dad to avenge me and wind up in jail. I got in my car and found myself at my high school track field. I think I went there because it was a place that at one time I had been confident in myself. Before a terrible injury, running track made me feel strong. I guess, on that night, I needed to be in a place that comforted me. I wonder if that is why Christ went to the Garden of Gethsemane. Did He feel some solace there?
I remember walking out to the 50-yard line and all the weight of the abuse I’d endured buckled my knees and I fell to the ground. The sins of others became too much for me and I felt crushed and abandoned. In that empty, silent night, I cried out to God and asked Him why He had abandoned me.
“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
That’s what Christ cried out on the cross. The weight of all our sins must have felt daunting. He must have felt so much pain and suffering that, in His humanity, He felt completely alone. Sin does that. Whether it’s our own sin or the sins of others inflicted upon us, we struggle to feel God. The agony Christ felt in the garden dropped Him to His knees. He physically felt the massive affliction of every sin. Every single sin. He knew all the ways we had and would hurt each other. He could see and feel all the abuses up and down the centuries. He had to deal with the torment of people turning their backs on God while giving way to sin. He was our scapegoat. He bore it all.
In the Old Testament, on the Day of Atonement, the people would find a perfect male lamb or goat. They would symbolically cast their sins onto the goat and then they would sacrifice it. It was a scapegoat, an innocent creature bearing the sins of the guilty. Then it was sacrificed and given as a victim to God. Blood had to be shed to atone. Christ was our scapegoat. The Innocent bore our sins, but He didn’t do it symbolically. No, He really bore them. He felt all the darkness and impurity of them. He felt the immensity of the misery our sins cause. It was so horrifically intense that He sweat blood.
That night on the football field, I didn’t trust that God could heal the hurt. In fact, out there in the moonlight, I committed a sin so awful it still pains me to this day. I cursed God. With four words, I added to the torture Christ felt in His heart in the garden. Forgive me, but I cannot type out those words. They are completely awful. I have often imagined that each of my four words was a drop of blood that fell from His forehead.
I have dreamed that I could wipe that blood away. Christ was administered to by an angel in the garden, but I have imagined myself meeting Him there in the twilight and wiping away the blood I caused to seep out of Him. I’ve wished that I could meet Him there and embrace Him. I’ve wished I could look Him straight in the eyes and say, “I’m so sorry I caused You this pain. With all my heart, I’m sorry.”
I can’t physically be in the garden with Christ, but I have made my peace. Many years ago, with tears spilling out of my eyes, I confessed this sin from that dark night in my life and when I heard the words of absolution, my heart surged with joy. It was like a window of my soul had been opened and light, wind, and love came pouring back in bringing life. Grace was restored and, man, it felt tremendous. Forgiveness and mercy are such precious gifts of God if only we ask.
Holy week is greatly significant to me. Christ knows all our pain and suffering. He walks right with us through it all. There isn’t an aspect of suffering that He doesn’t understand. What gets me most, though, is that His love is more powerful than all the sin the world can muster up. On the cross, Love won out. The only things I can think to do to express my gratitude are to love God with my whole being and live my life proving that what He did made a difference. It did make a difference. It made all the difference. How could it not? God loves me–loves us all–enough that He was willing to take our sins, bear them, and die to free us. That is powerful, powerful love and when we embrace it, our lives change dramatically.
Christ was there with me on that night …
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]]>One of the moments in Christ’s earthly life that I reflect on the most is when He was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. Aside from the Crucifixion, it’s one of the most emotionally stirring accounts of Christ for me. I think it’s because in a small way, I can relate to Christ in that moment, because, I too, have been brought to my knees by the weight of sin.
If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you know that my teenage years were tumultuous. At age 16, I was wrapped up in the downward spiral of an abusive relationship, only to move into an even more abusive relationship after the first one combusted in a fiery flame of pride, selfishness, and jealousy. Outwardly, I kept it together, but inside I felt very used, lonely, and tormented.
On the worst night of my life, in the fall of my junior year of high school, I found myself broken and unsure of what to do. It was late in the night and sleep was not going to come. I’d already decided not to tell my parents because I didn’t want my dad to avenge me and wind up in jail. I got in my car and found myself at my high school track field. I think I went there because it was a place that at one time I had been confident in myself. Before a terrible injury, running track made me feel strong. I guess, on that night, I needed to be in a place that comforted me. I wonder if that is why Christ went to the Garden of Gethsemane. Did He feel some solace there?
I remember walking out to the 50-yard line and all the weight of the abuse I’d endured buckled my knees and I fell to the ground. The sins of others became too much for me and I felt crushed and abandoned. In that empty, silent night, I cried out to God and asked Him why He had abandoned me.
“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
That’s what Christ cried out on the cross. The weight of all our sins must have felt daunting. He must have felt so much pain and suffering that, in His humanity, He felt completely alone. Sin does that. Whether it’s our own sin or the sins of others inflicted upon us, we struggle to feel God. The agony Christ felt in the garden dropped Him to His knees. He physically felt the massive affliction of every sin. Every single sin. He knew all the ways we had and would hurt each other. He could see and feel all the abuses up and down the centuries. He had to deal with the torment of people turning their backs on God while giving way to sin. He was our scapegoat. He bore it all.
In the Old Testament, on the Day of Atonement, the people would find a perfect male lamb or goat. They would symbolically cast their sins onto the goat and then they would sacrifice it. It was a scapegoat, an innocent creature bearing the sins of the guilty. Then it was sacrificed and given as a victim to God. Blood had to be shed to atone. Christ was our scapegoat. The Innocent bore our sins, but He didn’t do it symbolically. No, He really bore them. He felt all the darkness and impurity of them. He felt the immensity of the misery our sins cause. It was so horrifically intense that He sweat blood.
That night on the football field, I didn’t trust that God could heal the hurt. In fact, out there in the moonlight, I committed a sin so awful it still pains me to this day. I cursed God. With four words, I added to the torture Christ felt in His heart in the garden. Forgive me, but I cannot type out those words. They are completely awful. I have often imagined that each of my four words was a drop of blood that fell from His forehead.
I have dreamed that I could wipe that blood away. Christ was administered to by an angel in the garden, but I have imagined myself meeting Him there in the twilight and wiping away the blood I caused to seep out of Him. I’ve wished that I could meet Him there and embrace Him. I’ve wished I could look Him straight in the eyes and say, “I’m so sorry I caused You this pain. With all my heart, I’m sorry.”
I can’t physically be in the garden with Christ, but I have made my peace. Many years ago, with tears spilling out of my eyes, I confessed this sin from that dark night in my life and when I heard the words of absolution, my heart surged with joy. It was like a window of my soul had been opened and light, wind, and love came pouring back in bringing life. Grace was restored and, man, it felt tremendous. Forgiveness and mercy are such precious gifts of God if only we ask.
Holy week is greatly significant to me. Christ knows all our pain and suffering. He walks right with us through it all. There isn’t an aspect of suffering that He doesn’t understand. What gets me most, though, is that His love is more powerful than all the sin the world can muster up. On the cross, Love won out. The only things I can think to do to express my gratitude are to love God with my whole being and live my life proving that what He did made a difference. It did make a difference. It made all the difference. How could it not? God loves me–loves us all–enough that He was willing to take our sins, bear them, and die to free us. That is powerful, powerful love and when we embrace it, our lives change dramatically.
Christ was there with me on that night …
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]]>
My husband and I started dating the 2nd semester of our junior year of college. We were first friends and I’d been to his house before, but I’d never seen his bedroom. He lived in a house with one other guy and it was a typical college bachelor pad. The first time I went into his bedroom, though, my reaction was this–
I looked around his tiny room and it was clear that a homemaker he was not. His socks were stiff and were walking around. I’m fairly certain they could talk. There were bowls of something mysterious sitting on his desk that looked like he was conducting a science experiment on bacteria. I’m a neat freak so my fingers started to tingle with the desire to clean up. I had daydreams of myself cleaning it up spic-and-span and then shouting, “I have exorcised the demons! This room is clear!”
I knew going into our relationship that my husband was not a man that was going to pick out curtains, fluff pillows, spruce up the couch (I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know what it means to spruce), or concern himself with organizing much of anything within the home. But, I wasn’t looking to marry an interior decorator/maid. I’m sure my cleanliness can drive him crazy at times, because I operate under the rule of “a place for everything and everything in its place.”
When we were first together, we also had epic debates on…Mayo vs. Miracle Whip, butter vs. margarine, and other such things. We’d each grown up using different foods with our families and when we came together as husband and wife, one of us had to relinquish. This was serious stuff, mind you. We each defended our favorite condiment with a spirit of true passion. In the end, I gave into him, and to this day we eat Mayo and butter. For real, though, it was hard to give up the tangy goodness of Miracle Whip, but in the name of marital love, I did it for him.
Dustin has also had to learn to quell many dramatic episodes in our married life. I’m dramatic, I’ll admit it, and sometimes I get worked up and phone calls to his work have to be made. Often times, these phone calls are made in a state of tears and panic, but, dang it, stuff happens! Sometimes there is an evil spider positioning itself on the ceiling in just a way so as to drop on your head, thereby proceeding to suck all your blood and leave you for dead. Sometimes, your stupid eye doctor hints that you might have an aneurism and then casually says, “But, we’ll just wait and see how things go.” WHAT?! All that being said, I do realize that Dustin has to deal with my throws of excitement and he handles it so well. If he rolls his eyes at me, he does it behind my back. Except he does roll his eyes over the spider thing, but I’m not backing down from that. It’s real, true, and totally rational.
Then there is my husband’s phone screen, which nearly sends me into convulsions. Does he not see them? How does he function in a world where there are red numbers on his screen?! I have to look away.
To be fair, Dustin has to deal with my hyper-critical passenger seat driving comments. I get great anxiety when he drives over 70, so most of the time, I’m “encouraging” him to slow down.
“Amy, I can’t drive 20mph under the speed limit. It’s not safe.”
“Just drive a little under. That will make me feel better.”
“I am driving under. We’re practically at a stand still.”
“I see no problem with that.”
Poor Dustin probably feels like he’s driving Miss Daisy around.
If you are looking to marry someone who is perfect, you will die looking. Every human being has things about them that are weird, annoying, irksome, or downright frustrating. Men spend exorbitant amounts of time going to the bathroom. The reason why is a mystery to the female race. Men have to weather the storm a couple of days a month when women turn into this–
It’s popular in our culture today to say that marriage is just a contract between two adults. It’s not just a contract, though, it’s a vow, a covenant, a promise. A contract is a deal you make between two people who agree to do something for each other. Let’s say you hire a person to build a deck for you. You sign a contract. They agree to build you a deck, you agree to pay them if they do what they say. It works in the business world.
Marriage isn’t a business, though, and who really ever enters it wanting it to be handled that way? Talk about killing the romance from the get-go! No, marriage is a covenant that we enter into where we promise to love this person as unconditionally as possible. The sacramental grace of marriage helps us do this. A contract would say, “Well, we’ll stay together as long as you do this for me and don’t annoy me too much. To add to that, you need to just put up with everything I dish out.” A lot of marriages do operate this way and it’s a huge reason why we have broken families littering the landscape. A vow is binding. A contract is contingent. Love is not real love if it’s contingent. It says more about us than others if we dole out our love only if the other person pleases us all the time.
There are certain aspects of our spouse’s behavior that we should encourage them to change if it is sinful. We are, after all, caretakers of their soul and if we really want them to be with us in heaven, we need to guide them to betterment. It’s important to remember, though, that serious character flaws are not the same …
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]]>My husband and I started dating the 2nd semester of our junior year of college. We were first friends and I’d been to his house before, but I’d never seen his bedroom. He lived in a house with one other guy and it was a typical college bachelor pad. The first time I went into his bedroom, though, my reaction was this–
I looked around his tiny room and it was clear that a homemaker he was not. His socks were stiff and were walking around. I’m fairly certain they could talk. There were bowls of something mysterious sitting on his desk that looked like he was conducting a science experiment on bacteria. I’m a neat freak so my fingers started to tingle with the desire to clean up. I had daydreams of myself cleaning it up spic-and-span and then shouting, “I have exorcised the demons! This room is clear!”
I knew going into our relationship that my husband was not a man that was going to pick out curtains, fluff pillows, spruce up the couch (I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know what it means to spruce), or concern himself with organizing much of anything within the home. But, I wasn’t looking to marry an interior decorator/maid. I’m sure my cleanliness can drive him crazy at times, because I operate under the rule of “a place for everything and everything in its place.”
When we were first together, we also had epic debates on…Mayo vs. Miracle Whip, butter vs. margarine, and other such things. We’d each grown up using different foods with our families and when we came together as husband and wife, one of us had to relinquish. This was serious stuff, mind you. We each defended our favorite condiment with a spirit of true passion. In the end, I gave into him, and to this day we eat Mayo and butter. For real, though, it was hard to give up the tangy goodness of Miracle Whip, but in the name of marital love, I did it for him.
Dustin has also had to learn to quell many dramatic episodes in our married life. I’m dramatic, I’ll admit it, and sometimes I get worked up and phone calls to his work have to be made. Often times, these phone calls are made in a state of tears and panic, but, dang it, stuff happens! Sometimes there is an evil spider positioning itself on the ceiling in just a way so as to drop on your head, thereby proceeding to suck all your blood and leave you for dead. Sometimes, your stupid eye doctor hints that you might have an aneurism and then casually says, “But, we’ll just wait and see how things go.” WHAT?! All that being said, I do realize that Dustin has to deal with my throws of excitement and he handles it so well. If he rolls his eyes at me, he does it behind my back. Except he does roll his eyes over the spider thing, but I’m not backing down from that. It’s real, true, and totally rational.
Then there is my husband’s phone screen, which nearly sends me into convulsions. Does he not see them? How does he function in a world where there are red numbers on his screen?! I have to look away.
To be fair, Dustin has to deal with my hyper-critical passenger seat driving comments. I get great anxiety when he drives over 70, so most of the time, I’m “encouraging” him to slow down.
“Amy, I can’t drive 20mph under the speed limit. It’s not safe.”
“Just drive a little under. That will make me feel better.”
“I am driving under. We’re practically at a stand still.”
“I see no problem with that.”
Poor Dustin probably feels like he’s driving Miss Daisy around.
If you are looking to marry someone who is perfect, you will die looking. Every human being has things about them that are weird, annoying, irksome, or downright frustrating. Men spend exorbitant amounts of time going to the bathroom. The reason why is a mystery to the female race. Men have to weather the storm a couple of days a month when women turn into this–
It’s popular in our culture today to say that marriage is just a contract between two adults. It’s not just a contract, though, it’s a vow, a covenant, a promise. A contract is a deal you make between two people who agree to do something for each other. Let’s say you hire a person to build a deck for you. You sign a contract. They agree to build you a deck, you agree to pay them if they do what they say. It works in the business world.
Marriage isn’t a business, though, and who really ever enters it wanting it to be handled that way? Talk about killing the romance from the get-go! No, marriage is a covenant that we enter into where we promise to love this person as unconditionally as possible. The sacramental grace of marriage helps us do this. A contract would say, “Well, we’ll stay together as long as you do this for me and don’t annoy me too much. To add to that, you need to just put up with everything I dish out.” A lot of marriages do operate this way and it’s a huge reason why we have broken families littering the landscape. A vow is binding. A contract is contingent. Love is not real love if it’s contingent. It says more about us than others if we dole out our love only if the other person pleases us all the time.
There are certain aspects of our spouse’s behavior that we should encourage them to change if it is sinful. We are, after all, caretakers of their soul and if we really want them to be with us in heaven, we need to guide them to betterment. It’s important to remember, though, that serious character flaws are not the same …
The post Your Marriage Isn’t a Business Contract, It’s A Sacred Covenant appeared first on .
]]>
I was watching Moana for the first time the other night with my kids. Towards the end of the movie, a particularly touching scene occurs where the deceased grandmother returns in spirit form to encourage Moana on her mission. When Moana sees her she runs into her arms and is able to hug her grandmother. Moana is overjoyed at seeing her and it tugged at my heart a little.
Within the past couple of years, I’ve lost both my grandfathers. The scene in Moana made me miss them. Oh, to be given the chance to embrace our loved ones again. I thought about what I would do if I had one more day with my grandpas and my beloved Auntie Bell that passed away when I was a teen.
With my paternal grandpa, I’d ask him to drive me to one of his favorite restaurants not far from his hometown. We’d go there and have dinner and he’d flirt with the young waitresses and tease other diners that he knew. After dinner, we’d go home and share a slice of my grandmother’s pie at the kitchen table. Maybe after that, we’d go sit on the back porch and I’d listen to him tell me with perfect clarity all about his shenanigans when he was a young man.
If I had one more day with my maternal grandpa, I’d ask him to take me for a drive in the country. We’d drive down to our favorite creek, lovingly named “Cougarville” by him. We’d get out of the car and tramp down to the creek bed and skip rocks on it. He’d try to scare me by pretending to hear cougars in the small woods surrounding the creek. After that, we’d go home and inspect his garden. I’d listen to him tell me all about his plants. He’d pull up pesky weeds with his weathered, strong hands and share a strawberry with me that he pulled off the vine. Dinner with him would be a feast from his garden and I’d listen to him tell jokes and laugh himself to tears. I would love to hear his laugh again.
With all those that I’ve lost, I’d love to hug them again. It would be great to hear their voice and sit down to tell them all about my life and what’s been going on. More than anything, I would just want to be in their presence. When our loved ones are near, we can take them for granted and then when they are gone, there are so many things we wish we could tell them and share with them again. Sadly, they are gone and we can’t have that experience with them this side of Heaven. So, we must trust that our reunion someday will be better than we ever imagined.
But, what about those people that have been part of our lives and are still here with us on earth? What about those in our history that were once bright and shining players in our story, but have been lost to us through a myriad of different reasons? What if we had one more day with them?
I had six first cousins to play with growing up. I was friends with all of them, but closer with some than others. One of my boy cousins was particularly close to me. I loved spending time with him. He was funny, goofy, a little ornery, and had just the right amount of cockiness to not turn you away. He made any time spent at our grandpa and grandma’s house fun. He loved to play basketball and he was extremely talented; so talented that he could have played in college. We spent hours out on our grandparent’s driveway shooting hoops. I was horrible and he always beat me at any game we played. He loved giving me pointers on how to shoot better and would even praise me when I’d show a smidge of skill.
In our later teen years, he began to change. A darkness came over him and it scared me. One day, I found out that he was involved with drugs and it completely crushed my heart. Just crushed it. I was devastated, because that cocky, playfulness about him was gone. He entered a world that was foreign to me and I felt like I had lost a best friend. He stopped coming around to family events and years would pass between times of seeing him.
Then he got sick–very sick. Sick like death was knocking on the door. He physically recovered from it, but it did something to him. He is not the person he once was, not even close. In many ways, he is lost to himself and the family and it’s heartbreaking. I’ve wanted so many times to help him, but sometimes there just isn’t helping another. Sometimes the damage done to the soul through sin, suffering, and life experiences is so great that we must rely on God’s mercy to one day bring the healing that only He can give.
“I knew you when you were a child, I knew you when you had a fire.
I saw you when you lost your spark, I saw the world kill your desire.
Oh, were those younger days, a chance to feel alive and how we played the game.
And now we just close our eyes and when we look again those times, have faded away.”
It’s hard to leave people in the past, especially those that were major players. My cousin was once one of my best buddies. We laughed, we joked, we told each other all about our lives. I thought it would always be that way, but life happens and sometimes we are forced to place that person in the past. It’s painful to do that, isn’t it? I find it hard. I wish he would show up at some Christmas and be all better. I know that’s not going to happen and that hurts. In …
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]]>I was watching Moana for the first time the other night with my kids. Towards the end of the movie, a particularly touching scene occurs where the deceased grandmother returns in spirit form to encourage Moana on her mission. When Moana sees her she runs into her arms and is able to hug her grandmother. Moana is overjoyed at seeing her and it tugged at my heart a little.
Within the past couple of years, I’ve lost both my grandfathers. The scene in Moana made me miss them. Oh, to be given the chance to embrace our loved ones again. I thought about what I would do if I had one more day with my grandpas and my beloved Auntie Bell that passed away when I was a teen.
With my paternal grandpa, I’d ask him to drive me to one of his favorite restaurants not far from his hometown. We’d go there and have dinner and he’d flirt with the young waitresses and tease other diners that he knew. After dinner, we’d go home and share a slice of my grandmother’s pie at the kitchen table. Maybe after that, we’d go sit on the back porch and I’d listen to him tell me with perfect clarity all about his shenanigans when he was a young man.
If I had one more day with my maternal grandpa, I’d ask him to take me for a drive in the country. We’d drive down to our favorite creek, lovingly named “Cougarville” by him. We’d get out of the car and tramp down to the creek bed and skip rocks on it. He’d try to scare me by pretending to hear cougars in the small woods surrounding the creek. After that, we’d go home and inspect his garden. I’d listen to him tell me all about his plants. He’d pull up pesky weeds with his weathered, strong hands and share a strawberry with me that he pulled off the vine. Dinner with him would be a feast from his garden and I’d listen to him tell jokes and laugh himself to tears. I would love to hear his laugh again.
With all those that I’ve lost, I’d love to hug them again. It would be great to hear their voice and sit down to tell them all about my life and what’s been going on. More than anything, I would just want to be in their presence. When our loved ones are near, we can take them for granted and then when they are gone, there are so many things we wish we could tell them and share with them again. Sadly, they are gone and we can’t have that experience with them this side of Heaven. So, we must trust that our reunion someday will be better than we ever imagined.
But, what about those people that have been part of our lives and are still here with us on earth? What about those in our history that were once bright and shining players in our story, but have been lost to us through a myriad of different reasons? What if we had one more day with them?
I had six first cousins to play with growing up. I was friends with all of them, but closer with some than others. One of my boy cousins was particularly close to me. I loved spending time with him. He was funny, goofy, a little ornery, and had just the right amount of cockiness to not turn you away. He made any time spent at our grandpa and grandma’s house fun. He loved to play basketball and he was extremely talented; so talented that he could have played in college. We spent hours out on our grandparent’s driveway shooting hoops. I was horrible and he always beat me at any game we played. He loved giving me pointers on how to shoot better and would even praise me when I’d show a smidge of skill.
In our later teen years, he began to change. A darkness came over him and it scared me. One day, I found out that he was involved with drugs and it completely crushed my heart. Just crushed it. I was devastated, because that cocky, playfulness about him was gone. He entered a world that was foreign to me and I felt like I had lost a best friend. He stopped coming around to family events and years would pass between times of seeing him.
Then he got sick–very sick. Sick like death was knocking on the door. He physically recovered from it, but it did something to him. He is not the person he once was, not even close. In many ways, he is lost to himself and the family and it’s heartbreaking. I’ve wanted so many times to help him, but sometimes there just isn’t helping another. Sometimes the damage done to the soul through sin, suffering, and life experiences is so great that we must rely on God’s mercy to one day bring the healing that only He can give.
“I knew you when you were a child, I knew you when you had a fire.
I saw you when you lost your spark, I saw the world kill your desire.
Oh, were those younger days, a chance to feel alive and how we played the game.
And now we just close our eyes and when we look again those times, have faded away.”
It’s hard to leave people in the past, especially those that were major players. My cousin was once one of my best buddies. We laughed, we joked, we told each other all about our lives. I thought it would always be that way, but life happens and sometimes we are forced to place that person in the past. It’s painful to do that, isn’t it? I find it hard. I wish he would show up at some Christmas and be all better. I know that’s not going to happen and that hurts. In …
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]]>
When I was a teenager, I watched Braveheart for the first time. In the beginning, William Wallace (played by Mel Gibson) falls in love with a beautiful peasant girl, Murron. Early on, the two lovers are sitting on a hill and the way that William talks to her and looks at her sure makes a girl swoon. I’m not going to go into everything about the story, but William has to marry Murron in secret so as not to have to share her with an English noble on their wedding night. William is Scottish and, as you see in the story, the English nobles take newlywed Scottish brides away to rape them and then give them back once they are finished.
My favorite part is when they are reciting their vows. William tells Murron, “I will love you my whole life, you and no other.” As soon as I heard him say that to her, I literally was never the same. I knew in that instant that I wanted that type of love in my marriage. The way he looked at her, the love in those vows, the beautiful consummation of their marriage by the lake was enough to turn me into a hopeless romantic. I loved his words so much that my husband and I wrote them into our vows.
Sadly, Murron dies tragically; killed by an English soldier. It’s so heartbreaking to see her look for him to save her, but he shows up too late. Her death fills William with such rage that it provides the fuel for him to start fighting the English. I loved that he fought for her. I could understand his righteous anger and I couldn’t blame him for wanting to take them all on. He fought for her memory and honor. It was beautiful. Then enters the pretty princess…
The pretty princess is French, but she’s forced to marry the English prince. She doesn’t really love the prince and when she meets William, they end up having a love affair. Once this happened, the movie was dead to me. Dead. Well, not totally, because it’s a fantastic movie, but I was furious with William.
“This movie is terrible! I hate it!” I remember screaming out while watching it with my dad.
Chuckling, my dad said, “Why do you say that?”
“Because! He just betrayed the love he pledged to his wife! (Said sarcastically) ‘Oh, I love you all the days of my life. Oh, I’ll love you and no other.’ Blah, Blah, Blah! Lies! Once the first pretty girl steps into his life his wife is forgotten and all he can think about is his groin! I hate this movie!”
“Amy, his wife died. What do you expect him to do? Live alone forever?”
“Yes! It would show his true love! How can he say he loves his wife and no other, but then be so quick to jump into bed with some other woman and love her, too?!”
This movie has always stirred a lot of emotions in me. In my head, I know that if a spouse dies, the other is free to marry again, but my heart just can’t go there. My head tells me that if something were to happen to me, that my husband should be free to find happiness in another woman, but I get a huge lump in my throat thinking of that.
I fear that I would be replaced and I can’t…I just can’t even think about it and find a way to be okay with it. I know, I know, I know, that in heaven I wouldn’t worry about it and I would be happy for Dustin to be happy. I know that it would be selfish of me to tell him to never marry again, but the thought just takes the breathe out of me. I’m not even joking.
The thought that another woman would take my place in our bed, fill his thoughts, hug and kiss him when he comes home is more than my heart can take. I know that some people have no problem with the thought of marriage after death. I know that this doesn’t mean they love their spouse less or anything like that. I’m not saying my love is more true or passionate. I know in my head that they aren’t really replacing their former spouse; they are just finding love with someone else. I’m not going to judge another’s motives or love, this is just how I feel.
Recently, on a camping trip, my husband, my cousin-in-law, and I were having this conversation. My cousin told this story about this lady who was dying of cancer and she wrote a letter to her husband’s future wife. She told her to take care of her husband and kids. She told her that she was okay with it and that she wanted them to be happy. As my cousin was relaying this story, she was filled with emotions and tears. She said, “Isn’t that just beautiful? That she’s able to give her blessing like that?”
My heart was unmoved. In my head I thought, “That’s nice and that lady must be a better woman than me.” In my imagination, I saw myself instead coming back to haunt my husband and the new woman. I was rattling chains and wailing like a banshee.
I’m kidding, of course, but only a little. No. No. Really, I’m kidding. But….I did make a good ghost in my thoughts. Lol.
It’s a hard thing to describe. I know it sounds completely selfish and jealous, but I guess it’s hard for me to think that there is another out there that Dustin could make a life with other than me. I know for me, if God forbid, anything happened to Dustin it wouldn’t be fair to any other man to marry him. Dustin took up residence in my heart when I met him and there he will remain forever. There may …
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When I was a teenager, I watched Braveheart for the first time. In the beginning, William Wallace (played by Mel Gibson) falls in love with a beautiful peasant girl, Murron. Early on, the two lovers are sitting on a hill and the way that William talks to her and looks at her sure makes a girl swoon. I’m not going to go into everything about the story, but William has to marry Murron in secret so as not to have to share her with an English noble on their wedding night. William is Scottish and, as you see in the story, the English nobles take newlywed Scottish brides away to rape them and then give them back once they are finished.
My favorite part is when they are reciting their vows. William tells Murron, “I will love you my whole life, you and no other.” As soon as I heard him say that to her, I literally was never the same. I knew in that instant that I wanted that type of love in my marriage. The way he looked at her, the love in those vows, the beautiful consummation of their marriage by the lake was enough to turn me into a hopeless romantic. I loved his words so much that my husband and I wrote them into our vows.
Sadly, Murron dies tragically; killed by an English soldier. It’s so heartbreaking to see her look for him to save her, but he shows up too late. Her death fills William with such rage that it provides the fuel for him to start fighting the English. I loved that he fought for her. I could understand his righteous anger and I couldn’t blame him for wanting to take them all on. He fought for her memory and honor. It was beautiful. Then enters the pretty princess…
The pretty princess is French, but she’s forced to marry the English prince. She doesn’t really love the prince and when she meets William, they end up having a love affair. Once this happened, the movie was dead to me. Dead. Well, not totally, because it’s a fantastic movie, but I was furious with William.
“This movie is terrible! I hate it!” I remember screaming out while watching it with my dad.
Chuckling, my dad said, “Why do you say that?”
“Because! He just betrayed the love he pledged to his wife! (Said sarcastically) ‘Oh, I love you all the days of my life. Oh, I’ll love you and no other.’ Blah, Blah, Blah! Lies! Once the first pretty girl steps into his life his wife is forgotten and all he can think about is his groin! I hate this movie!”
“Amy, his wife died. What do you expect him to do? Live alone forever?”
“Yes! It would show his true love! How can he say he loves his wife and no other, but then be so quick to jump into bed with some other woman and love her, too?!”
This movie has always stirred a lot of emotions in me. In my head, I know that if a spouse dies, the other is free to marry again, but my heart just can’t go there. My head tells me that if something were to happen to me, that my husband should be free to find happiness in another woman, but I get a huge lump in my throat thinking of that.
I fear that I would be replaced and I can’t…I just can’t even think about it and find a way to be okay with it. I know, I know, I know, that in heaven I wouldn’t worry about it and I would be happy for Dustin to be happy. I know that it would be selfish of me to tell him to never marry again, but the thought just takes the breathe out of me. I’m not even joking.
The thought that another woman would take my place in our bed, fill his thoughts, hug and kiss him when he comes home is more than my heart can take. I know that some people have no problem with the thought of marriage after death. I know that this doesn’t mean they love their spouse less or anything like that. I’m not saying my love is more true or passionate. I know in my head that they aren’t really replacing their former spouse; they are just finding love with someone else. I’m not going to judge another’s motives or love, this is just how I feel.
Recently, on a camping trip, my husband, my cousin-in-law, and I were having this conversation. My cousin told this story about this lady who was dying of cancer and she wrote a letter to her husband’s future wife. She told her to take care of her husband and kids. She told her that she was okay with it and that she wanted them to be happy. As my cousin was relaying this story, she was filled with emotions and tears. She said, “Isn’t that just beautiful? That she’s able to give her blessing like that?”
My heart was unmoved. In my head I thought, “That’s nice and that lady must be a better woman than me.” In my imagination, I saw myself instead coming back to haunt my husband and the new woman. I was rattling chains and wailing like a banshee.
I’m kidding, of course, but only a little. No. No. Really, I’m kidding. But….I did make a good ghost in my thoughts. Lol.
It’s a hard thing to describe. I know it sounds completely selfish and jealous, but I guess it’s hard for me to think that there is another out there that Dustin could make a life with other than me. I know for me, if God forbid, anything happened to Dustin it wouldn’t be fair to any other man to marry him. Dustin took up residence in my heart when I met him and there he will remain forever. There may …
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My husband and I celebrate our 16th anniversary this week and every year I’m amazed at how I grow in love for him. I would humbly say that Dustin and I have a wonderful marriage. It’s not perfect and we’ve had our share of trials, but we are still best friends, still committed to each other, and still growing in love. Our relationship was first built on friendship, which helped us lay a solid foundation.
People often will comment to me that we have an easy marriage and that they wish that they could have a marriage like ours. There’s a misconception that good marriages just fall in your lap; that only the “lucky” ones find marital bliss. I do feel very lucky to have found Dustin. We go together like peanut butter and jam, like two peas in a pod, like….soulmates. We really do. I know that this isn’t a reality for everyone and I’m truly not wanting to throw that up in people’s faces. Sometimes, people marry someone who they find out isn’t quite the soulmate they thought they were and they want to jump ship. We can’t look at marriage, though, through Disney lenses. We can’t expect a fairy tale or else.
Behind every good marriage are two people putting in a lot of effort.
In a good marriage, both spouses get up every day and rededicate themselves to each other. It’s not as if they utter, “Today, my darling, I rededicate myself to you!” It’s more a conscience decision to make their marriage a top priority. That means that selfishness, bitterness, resentment, and anger have to be constantly checked. For me, it’s not as if I don’t have selfish tendencies and it’s not as if I don’t succumb to those tendencies at times, but my goal is to work on it every day. What is easy is to give in to ourselves and our selfish desires. It’s easy to hold grudges and withhold forgiveness. It’s easy to get lost in the distractions of daily life: bills, work, raising kids, and errands. It’s easy to go a whole day where hugs, kisses, and positive interactions are in short supply. It’s easy to zone out on our cell phones, T.V.s, and computers.
If we are all being honest, good marriages seem to be rare, which means that they aren’t easy. This doesn’t mean that they are impossible, it just means that it does require effort and we shouldn’t trick ourselves into thinking that a good marriage just kind of happens. Anything that is good, true, and beautiful requires effort. A beautiful cathedral requires effort, but the majestic and splendor of it is worth all the hours of labor. A quality education requires sacrifice, sleepless nights, and massive amounts of study, but the reward of receiving an education is worth it. Raising children to be good human beings characterized by compassion, integrity, and courage requires countless hours of parenting, but it’s worth it. It’s unreasonable to think that a good marriage should require little to no effort.
My brother and his wife, Kim, have a beautiful marriage. They respect each other, encourage each other, support each other and give constantly to each other. They make time for each other. Their loves looks very easy and neither one of them is a hard person to love, but I know that they each work to love each other the best that they can.
In high school, I witnessed several marriages by spending time at friends’ and boyfriends’ houses. Some marriages were downright awful, some seemed so-so, but there was one friend whose parents caught my eye. My friend Rebecca’s parents were so loving towards each other. Her dad was always telling his wife how beautiful she was and at dinner he always told her thank you for preparing the meal. I was always so impressed with his willingness to show her his appreciation for all that she did around the house. At dinner, they held hands while we all said grace and it was so refreshing to see them love each other. I learned from them that I wanted to display affection and appreciation in my marriage for my spouse’s sake, but, also, so that my kids could see their parents love each other well.
Over the past several years, I have watched both my grandmothers give of themselves to my grandfathers with the sacrificial love that we are all called to in the married state. They both took care of my very sick grandfathers. Day in and day out, they lived out the “for worse” part of the vows. Watching their sweethearts succumb to detrimental illnesses had to be extraordinarily hard, but they cared for them until the very end–heartbreaking to watch, but so beautiful, too. There is something about a well-worn love that outshines even the brightest of new loves.
Compatibility
I tell my girls often, “When you choose to marry, your heart shouldn’t be the only thing involved in the decision. Use your mind, too, to think through if this is a good person for you to marry.” So often, we get blinded by looks that we ignore the fact that we may have nothing in common with the person we wish to marry. Numerous marriages are dying a slow death-sometimes a fast one-because the two people are not very compatible.
When my husband and I were going through Engaged Encounter (a pre-marriage course through the Catholic Church) we were shocked by the number of couples that had never discussed important issues. During the weekend course, you and your fiancé are given important marital issues to talk about and discuss, for example, finances, ways to handle conflict, and raising a family. Often times, people discover in this course that their fiancé doesn’t even want to have kids! How can this be the first time this has come up in the relationship? Through this course, some people discover that they may not be ready for marriage or that the …
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]]>My husband and I celebrate our 16th anniversary this week and every year I’m amazed at how I grow in love for him. I would humbly say that Dustin and I have a wonderful marriage. It’s not perfect and we’ve had our share of trials, but we are still best friends, still committed to each other, and still growing in love. Our relationship was first built on friendship, which helped us lay a solid foundation.
People often will comment to me that we have an easy marriage and that they wish that they could have a marriage like ours. There’s a misconception that good marriages just fall in your lap; that only the “lucky” ones find marital bliss. I do feel very lucky to have found Dustin. We go together like peanut butter and jam, like two peas in a pod, like….soulmates. We really do. I know that this isn’t a reality for everyone and I’m truly not wanting to throw that up in people’s faces. Sometimes, people marry someone who they find out isn’t quite the soulmate they thought they were and they want to jump ship. We can’t look at marriage, though, through Disney lenses. We can’t expect a fairy tale or else.
Behind every good marriage are two people putting in a lot of effort.
In a good marriage, both spouses get up every day and rededicate themselves to each other. It’s not as if they utter, “Today, my darling, I rededicate myself to you!” It’s more a conscience decision to make their marriage a top priority. That means that selfishness, bitterness, resentment, and anger have to be constantly checked. For me, it’s not as if I don’t have selfish tendencies and it’s not as if I don’t succumb to those tendencies at times, but my goal is to work on it every day. What is easy is to give in to ourselves and our selfish desires. It’s easy to hold grudges and withhold forgiveness. It’s easy to get lost in the distractions of daily life: bills, work, raising kids, and errands. It’s easy to go a whole day where hugs, kisses, and positive interactions are in short supply. It’s easy to zone out on our cell phones, T.V.s, and computers.
If we are all being honest, good marriages seem to be rare, which means that they aren’t easy. This doesn’t mean that they are impossible, it just means that it does require effort and we shouldn’t trick ourselves into thinking that a good marriage just kind of happens. Anything that is good, true, and beautiful requires effort. A beautiful cathedral requires effort, but the majestic and splendor of it is worth all the hours of labor. A quality education requires sacrifice, sleepless nights, and massive amounts of study, but the reward of receiving an education is worth it. Raising children to be good human beings characterized by compassion, integrity, and courage requires countless hours of parenting, but it’s worth it. It’s unreasonable to think that a good marriage should require little to no effort.
My brother and his wife, Kim, have a beautiful marriage. They respect each other, encourage each other, support each other and give constantly to each other. They make time for each other. Their loves looks very easy and neither one of them is a hard person to love, but I know that they each work to love each other the best that they can.
In high school, I witnessed several marriages by spending time at friends’ and boyfriends’ houses. Some marriages were downright awful, some seemed so-so, but there was one friend whose parents caught my eye. My friend Rebecca’s parents were so loving towards each other. Her dad was always telling his wife how beautiful she was and at dinner he always told her thank you for preparing the meal. I was always so impressed with his willingness to show her his appreciation for all that she did around the house. At dinner, they held hands while we all said grace and it was so refreshing to see them love each other. I learned from them that I wanted to display affection and appreciation in my marriage for my spouse’s sake, but, also, so that my kids could see their parents love each other well.
Over the past several years, I have watched both my grandmothers give of themselves to my grandfathers with the sacrificial love that we are all called to in the married state. They both took care of my very sick grandfathers. Day in and day out, they lived out the “for worse” part of the vows. Watching their sweethearts succumb to detrimental illnesses had to be extraordinarily hard, but they cared for them until the very end–heartbreaking to watch, but so beautiful, too. There is something about a well-worn love that outshines even the brightest of new loves.
Compatibility
I tell my girls often, “When you choose to marry, your heart shouldn’t be the only thing involved in the decision. Use your mind, too, to think through if this is a good person for you to marry.” So often, we get blinded by looks that we ignore the fact that we may have nothing in common with the person we wish to marry. Numerous marriages are dying a slow death-sometimes a fast one-because the two people are not very compatible.
When my husband and I were going through Engaged Encounter (a pre-marriage course through the Catholic Church) we were shocked by the number of couples that had never discussed important issues. During the weekend course, you and your fiancé are given important marital issues to talk about and discuss, for example, finances, ways to handle conflict, and raising a family. Often times, people discover in this course that their fiancé doesn’t even want to have kids! How can this be the first time this has come up in the relationship? Through this course, some people discover that they may not be ready for marriage or that the …
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I wrote last week about how I learned to love and forgive a family member that was completely different than me. Here’s that blog if you’d like to read it. From that blog, a question was posed to me. I’d like to take this blog to answer it.
Question: How do you navigate a relationship with someone who is so vastly different in every single belief, behavior, action etc?
I think the answer lies in degrees. Different relationships will require different navigation. I don’t have experience in all these situation, but for the ones I do, I’ll try to give some examples.
Acquaintances
When I first moved to Vegas, I needed to find a hairdresser. I read reviews online for a great place and called and made my appointment. When I got to the salon, I saw my hairdresser for the first time and, inside, I was like, “Hmmmm…this could be interesting.” She’s very Vegas and I’m very….uh…Kansas and we’ll just leave it at that. I quickly discovered, though, that she’s awesome. I love chatting with her. Unless she’s blow drying my hair, we laugh and talk like good buddies. I know from small remarks she’s made that our belief sets are completely different. I think she understands this, too, and so we never venture into religion, politics, or anything controversial. I’m so glad that she’s my hairdresser and I always look forward to seeing her. Our relationship is very limited, given the nature of it, and that makes it easy to just skim over the more hot-button topics. So often in life, we get so caught up in “our side” that we miss just the human experience of getting to know people that have different stories, different up-bringings, and different thoughts. With co-workers, acquaintances, and friends that aren’t extremely close, navigating those relationships isn’t or shouldn’t be too hard. Just enjoy the person. Learn to listen without having a debate about everything and get to know them.
Close Friends
When you are trying to navigate the area of friendship, things get a little more complicated. If you ever want to truly be close with someone you are going to have to go a little deeper than coffee break room chit-chat. The best thing to remember about friends is that you want to surround yourself with people of virtue and those that truly want to help you grow into a great person. Friends that encourage you to do things that aren’t becoming of you or that try to steer you down paths that you know are against your core beliefs are ones to walk away from. Our friends influence our thoughts and behaviors quite a bit, so if they stand for things we know are seriously wrong, stepping away from them is usually best.
I had a friend in college that engaged in some very questionable behavior. She was a blast to be around and she was always the life of the party, but I completely disagreed with certain things that she thought were okay. After awhile, she started encouraging me to engage in her same lifestyle choices and, sadly, I had to walk away. I still missed her for the good things about her, but her negative influence was weighing on me.
Parents and other family members
I can’t say it any better than this. Rocker Andrew W. K. gives some great advice that works for anyone.
Boyfriends/Girlfriends
When I was a senior in high school, I fell for one of the school bad boys. Deep down he wasn’t really a bad person, but he played the part very well: He smoked, drank, had tattoos, dropped out of school, and lived for working on cars, fishing, and hanging with his buddies. I was drawn in by his looks and his looks held me for awhile. Slowly, though, our differences began to seep out, but I ignored them because 1. I thought I could change him and 2. I was young.
We got engaged, but I never felt gleeful about it. In fact, it sort of weighed on my heart like a heavy brick. I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel this way about being engaged and, if I did, that was a bad sign. I pressed on, though, determined to see us through. What bothered me most was that we were just so different on all fronts. Our beliefs were opposites, our lifestyles were opposites, and there was so little that we saw eye-to-eye on. We fought a lot and I was super frustrated with him most of the time. It came to a point where my initial attraction to his looks could not prop up our relationship anymore.
One time, after we’d had a dramatic temporary break-up, I was sitting on my parent’s front porch crying. My dad came up and asked me what was going on and I told him. He said, “Amy, if this is who you want to be with, I respect that, but what does he offer to your life? Why do you enjoy being with him?”
“I love him,” was my answer.
To which my dad said, “Okay, but think about being married to him. You are two very different people. What does he offer to you that makes you stay?”
“Well, we teach each other things.”
“Uh huh, like what? What does he teach you?”
“Well, he teaches me about deer and hunting and stuff.” Even as I type this now, I can’t believe I ever uttered that. Deer and stuff? Deer and stuff was supposed to sustain a marriage? My dad didn’t even really say anything because I think he knew he didn’t need to–my answer was embarassingly weak. It wasn’t long after that, that I realized that it was time to walk away from that relationship. He wasn’t a bad person, we just were unequally yoked in nearly every department. I felt so obligated to stay with him because we’d been together for a long time and we …
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I wrote last week about how I learned to love and forgive a family member that was completely different than me. Here’s that blog if you’d like to read it. From that blog, a question was posed to me. I’d like to take this blog to answer it.
Question: How do you navigate a relationship with someone who is so vastly different in every single belief, behavior, action etc?
I think the answer lies in degrees. Different relationships will require different navigation. I don’t have experience in all these situation, but for the ones I do, I’ll try to give some examples.
Acquaintances
When I first moved to Vegas, I needed to find a hairdresser. I read reviews online for a great place and called and made my appointment. When I got to the salon, I saw my hairdresser for the first time and, inside, I was like, “Hmmmm…this could be interesting.” She’s very Vegas and I’m very….uh…Kansas and we’ll just leave it at that. I quickly discovered, though, that she’s awesome. I love chatting with her. Unless she’s blow drying my hair, we laugh and talk like good buddies. I know from small remarks she’s made that our belief sets are completely different. I think she understands this, too, and so we never venture into religion, politics, or anything controversial. I’m so glad that she’s my hairdresser and I always look forward to seeing her. Our relationship is very limited, given the nature of it, and that makes it easy to just skim over the more hot-button topics. So often in life, we get so caught up in “our side” that we miss just the human experience of getting to know people that have different stories, different up-bringings, and different thoughts. With co-workers, acquaintances, and friends that aren’t extremely close, navigating those relationships isn’t or shouldn’t be too hard. Just enjoy the person. Learn to listen without having a debate about everything and get to know them.
Close Friends
When you are trying to navigate the area of friendship, things get a little more complicated. If you ever want to truly be close with someone you are going to have to go a little deeper than coffee break room chit-chat. The best thing to remember about friends is that you want to surround yourself with people of virtue and those that truly want to help you grow into a great person. Friends that encourage you to do things that aren’t becoming of you or that try to steer you down paths that you know are against your core beliefs are ones to walk away from. Our friends influence our thoughts and behaviors quite a bit, so if they stand for things we know are seriously wrong, stepping away from them is usually best.
I had a friend in college that engaged in some very questionable behavior. She was a blast to be around and she was always the life of the party, but I completely disagreed with certain things that she thought were okay. After awhile, she started encouraging me to engage in her same lifestyle choices and, sadly, I had to walk away. I still missed her for the good things about her, but her negative influence was weighing on me.
Parents and other family members
I can’t say it any better than this. Rocker Andrew W. K. gives some great advice that works for anyone.
Boyfriends/Girlfriends
When I was a senior in high school, I fell for one of the school bad boys. Deep down he wasn’t really a bad person, but he played the part very well: He smoked, drank, had tattoos, dropped out of school, and lived for working on cars, fishing, and hanging with his buddies. I was drawn in by his looks and his looks held me for awhile. Slowly, though, our differences began to seep out, but I ignored them because 1. I thought I could change him and 2. I was young.
We got engaged, but I never felt gleeful about it. In fact, it sort of weighed on my heart like a heavy brick. I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel this way about being engaged and, if I did, that was a bad sign. I pressed on, though, determined to see us through. What bothered me most was that we were just so different on all fronts. Our beliefs were opposites, our lifestyles were opposites, and there was so little that we saw eye-to-eye on. We fought a lot and I was super frustrated with him most of the time. It came to a point where my initial attraction to his looks could not prop up our relationship anymore.
One time, after we’d had a dramatic temporary break-up, I was sitting on my parent’s front porch crying. My dad came up and asked me what was going on and I told him. He said, “Amy, if this is who you want to be with, I respect that, but what does he offer to your life? Why do you enjoy being with him?”
“I love him,” was my answer.
To which my dad said, “Okay, but think about being married to him. You are two very different people. What does he offer to you that makes you stay?”
“Well, we teach each other things.”
“Uh huh, like what? What does he teach you?”
“Well, he teaches me about deer and hunting and stuff.” Even as I type this now, I can’t believe I ever uttered that. Deer and stuff? Deer and stuff was supposed to sustain a marriage? My dad didn’t even really say anything because I think he knew he didn’t need to–my answer was embarassingly weak. It wasn’t long after that, that I realized that it was time to walk away from that relationship. He wasn’t a bad person, we just were unequally yoked in nearly every department. I felt so obligated to stay with him because we’d been together for a long time and we …
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When I was a little girl, my cousin and I were as thick as thieves. She’s two years older than me, but when we got together to play at my grandparent’s house we had such a wonderful time. As children, we played at the pool, walked down to the old movie theater, played dress-up with our grandma’s clothes, and spent many a lazy summer day just hanging together. Sure, we had our cousin squabbles, but they didn’t amount to much–just typical kid stuff.
As we got into our teen years, we still loved hanging out together, it’s just that we were slowly moving towards very different life paths. The music we loved, the hobbies we engaged in, our belief systems all began to look drastically different from the other. We were just becoming who we were and it’s only natural that we wouldn’t like everything exactly the same. As time went on and we graduated, our paths went in totally opposite directions. Where we once could connect so easily, each passing year made it harder and harder. In many ways, it was terribly sad for me, because where she had once been such a close buddy, she no longer was anymore.
Into our twenties, we still kept in touch through email and, to make a long story short, there was a big family blow-up over one particular email. I’m not going to cast blame or make excuses, but that one email severed all connections between my cousin and me. There were hurt feelings on both sides and accusations slung around the digital realm and, in very short time, we both were done with each other. Done with a capital D. We didn’t write, talk, and if we did happen to see each other at a family gathering, we barely spoke. It was awful.
In my self-righteous anger, I felt very justified at that time in removing her from my life. We were two very different people and we just didn’t click anymore. How in the world was I supposed to hang out with someone so diametrically opposed to everything I stood for, anyway? Yet, as time went on, in my heart, I missed her. Sure, we had little to talk about, we hated everything the other believed in, but I missed her. There was a time when we giggled under bed covers and walked my grandparent’s town enjoying an ice cream treat while talking about this, that, and everything. There was a time when all that mattered was that it was cool that we were cousins and we loved each other.
She and I used to write each other all the time. We had these silly pen names: Clara and Margaret. They were our “old lady” names. We’d write each other under these names and “talk” in old lady voices through the page. So silly, but it was so fun at the time. This past February, our grandfather passed away. Sadly, he passed away on her birthday. For the first time in years, I sent her a birthday card. She was close to our grandfather and I knew his passing would hurt her deeply. The day of his funeral, I got to the funeral home fairly early. I looked for her, but she wasn’t there. When she finally showed up, she went and sat down in the front pews with her daughter and mom. Even though we hadn’t seen each other or spoken in years, I wanted to talk with her, so I apprehensively walked down to her. I tapped her on the shoulder and to my great surprise, she rose and embraced me with so much love. We both cried, but our hugs were full, total, and very healing. In that instant, all the hurt of past years melted away and it felt so good to be near her during that sad time.
Back at the church after the funeral, I sat and talked with her for a bit. We are still two very different people and our lives look very different from each other, but I think we both reached a point of forgiveness. As she got ready to leave, we hugged again and she said in my ear, “I love you, Amy.” “I love you, too,” was my natural response. It felt good to say that to her. It felt so good, because I do love her. She is a player in my life, she is a big part of my history, and she is my blood. I know that we will never be the best of buds like we were when we were kids, but we have at least built a bridge across the chasm that divided us.
My husband once said to me, “One day, I just started looking at people as my people, which helped me to see them as God’s people. When I started seeing them as people that God loves just as much as me, it was so much easier to love them, be near them even when they are very different than me.” I’ve watched my husband over the years grow in his ability to be around people who are very different than him. He doesn’t have friends that are an exact replica of him. He befriends unbelievers and those that are more liberal in their thoughts than him. His example really helped me to see that I was putting a stipulation on my love for my cousin: If she wasn’t going to be just like me, than I couldn’t love her. But, not loving her, was hurting me inside. I didn’t feel good about myself and I hated the distance between us. I guess I needed to learn to love her for her. I need to love her not because she does everything perfectly (’cause I sure don’t), but because she is a valuable person deserving of love. This doesn’t mean I have to agree with everything that she does or believes, but love doesn’t require that. Love means that …
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When I was a little girl, my cousin and I were as thick as thieves. She’s two years older than me, but when we got together to play at my grandparent’s house we had such a wonderful time. As children, we played at the pool, walked down to the old movie theater, played dress-up with our grandma’s clothes, and spent many a lazy summer day just hanging together. Sure, we had our cousin squabbles, but they didn’t amount to much–just typical kid stuff.
As we got into our teen years, we still loved hanging out together, it’s just that we were slowly moving towards very different life paths. The music we loved, the hobbies we engaged in, our belief systems all began to look drastically different from the other. We were just becoming who we were and it’s only natural that we wouldn’t like everything exactly the same. As time went on and we graduated, our paths went in totally opposite directions. Where we once could connect so easily, each passing year made it harder and harder. In many ways, it was terribly sad for me, because where she had once been such a close buddy, she no longer was anymore.
Into our twenties, we still kept in touch through email and, to make a long story short, there was a big family blow-up over one particular email. I’m not going to cast blame or make excuses, but that one email severed all connections between my cousin and me. There were hurt feelings on both sides and accusations slung around the digital realm and, in very short time, we both were done with each other. Done with a capital D. We didn’t write, talk, and if we did happen to see each other at a family gathering, we barely spoke. It was awful.
In my self-righteous anger, I felt very justified at that time in removing her from my life. We were two very different people and we just didn’t click anymore. How in the world was I supposed to hang out with someone so diametrically opposed to everything I stood for, anyway? Yet, as time went on, in my heart, I missed her. Sure, we had little to talk about, we hated everything the other believed in, but I missed her. There was a time when we giggled under bed covers and walked my grandparent’s town enjoying an ice cream treat while talking about this, that, and everything. There was a time when all that mattered was that it was cool that we were cousins and we loved each other.
She and I used to write each other all the time. We had these silly pen names: Clara and Margaret. They were our “old lady” names. We’d write each other under these names and “talk” in old lady voices through the page. So silly, but it was so fun at the time. This past February, our grandfather passed away. Sadly, he passed away on her birthday. For the first time in years, I sent her a birthday card. She was close to our grandfather and I knew his passing would hurt her deeply. The day of his funeral, I got to the funeral home fairly early. I looked for her, but she wasn’t there. When she finally showed up, she went and sat down in the front pews with her daughter and mom. Even though we hadn’t seen each other or spoken in years, I wanted to talk with her, so I apprehensively walked down to her. I tapped her on the shoulder and to my great surprise, she rose and embraced me with so much love. We both cried, but our hugs were full, total, and very healing. In that instant, all the hurt of past years melted away and it felt so good to be near her during that sad time.
Back at the church after the funeral, I sat and talked with her for a bit. We are still two very different people and our lives look very different from each other, but I think we both reached a point of forgiveness. As she got ready to leave, we hugged again and she said in my ear, “I love you, Amy.” “I love you, too,” was my natural response. It felt good to say that to her. It felt so good, because I do love her. She is a player in my life, she is a big part of my history, and she is my blood. I know that we will never be the best of buds like we were when we were kids, but we have at least built a bridge across the chasm that divided us.
My husband once said to me, “One day, I just started looking at people as my people, which helped me to see them as God’s people. When I started seeing them as people that God loves just as much as me, it was so much easier to love them, be near them even when they are very different than me.” I’ve watched my husband over the years grow in his ability to be around people who are very different than him. He doesn’t have friends that are an exact replica of him. He befriends unbelievers and those that are more liberal in their thoughts than him. His example really helped me to see that I was putting a stipulation on my love for my cousin: If she wasn’t going to be just like me, than I couldn’t love her. But, not loving her, was hurting me inside. I didn’t feel good about myself and I hated the distance between us. I guess I needed to learn to love her for her. I need to love her not because she does everything perfectly (’cause I sure don’t), but because she is a valuable person deserving of love. This doesn’t mean I have to agree with everything that she does or believes, but love doesn’t require that. Love means that …
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Many years ago, my husband was trying to explain to someone how your relationship with your spouse, if you have one, is more important than any other earthly relationship.
The other person quickly said, “No, it’s with your kids.”
To which my husband said, “It doesn’t mean that you love your kids less, it’s just that they will move on and all that will be left is you and your spouse. If the marriage breaks down, everything falls apart.”
The other person didn’t quite seem to get what my husband was saying.
This is often what happens. When someone says your relationship with your spouse is one of the highest priorities, people often hear, “Don’t love your kids as much as your spouse.”
I think we’ve gone about explaining this not quite accurately enough so that people understand. This weekend, at our Sunday Bible study with our kids, my husband and I were talking about love with them. I’ll try to capture what I said to them.
Our number one relationship in all of life should be with God. God is love and if He is love then a relationship with Him is how we come to truly and fully understand what love is and how to love well. God loves us perfectly, fully, wholly, immensely, and eternally. There is no flaw in His love and there is no measure to it.
When we put God first in our lives and really truly try to live our lives for Him, we are graced with the capacity to love more like Him. The more we tap into God, the more we open ourselves up to being more like Him and the more we are like Him, the better we love.
It isn’t like I have a cookie jar full of love where I dole out my love to those in my family. It’s not as if I say, “Okay, Dustin, you get 1/2 of my love. Kids, you get to divide 1/4 of my love up evenly between you, and there will be 1/4 left over for my mom, dad, brother, sister, other family members, and friends.” This is not how love works when done right.
When we order things as they should, with God at the top of our priority list, the love is limitless. We don’t have to measure our love out to those around us. We don’t run out; our love doesn’t dry up. Quite the opposite, we are able to love more fully, wholly, and immensely, because we have tapped into the source of love–God. There is not an X amount of love in the world and when we’ve given it out, then it’s all gone. No, the beautiful thing about love is that the more we give away, the more we have to give away. It just keeps coming.
When I order my life with God at the top, I am able to love my husband more completely. This in turn allows me to love my children more completely. My marriage comes from God and through the love in our marriage came our children. It flows perfectly: From God, our marriage; from our marriage, our kids. Loving God first frees us to love in a deep, deep way. Our children come through the love in the marriage and it only makes sense that to keep the family happy, intact, and loving, the parents must make sure that they are loving each other well.
There has never been a family in the history of the world that has fallen apart when the spouses were both loving the other deeply, truly, and fully. There have been families–many in fact–that have fallen apart when the spouses neglected each other and focused all their love on their kids.
The point is that when someone says your marriage needs to take precedence over your other earthly relationships, they are not in anyway implying that you should love your kids less. No one is saying to completely ignore the young’uns and just stare into your spouses eyes all day. A healthy marriage, however, is more necessary, more essential to the well-being of all in the family.
But, what about single people and single mothers and fathers? No matter your situation in life, your relationship with God is the most important. Growing closer to God only helps you to love better all who cross your path. It helps you to offer a smile to a stranger, to say a kind word to the cashier, to help a co-worker who is feeling overwhelmed. We are commanded by God to love everyone, but how I show that love looks different depending on the closeness of my relationship with a certain person.
I often times get a feeling that people have a certain “pride” in saying that they love their kids more than their spouse. It is important to remember that kids desperately want their parents to love each other. They need to see that you do, because it gives them security and peace. Each month, my husband and I have date night and my two older children watch their younger brother. They never gripe or complain. In fact, my oldest told me that she loves seeing us go out on dates. The question is why? She loves it, because her foundation is her father and I. If we are broken, or teetering on shaky ground, our children will feel anxious, fearful, nervous, and doubtful of the state of the family.
I grew up with both my parents giving me and my siblings tons of attention and love. Sadly, they couldn’t find a way to love each other and I always ached for that. In fact, I wish in many ways, they would have put their effort into each other more than into us kids. My parents didn’t stay together and it is a truly difficult thing when your foundation breaks. I vowed in my heart that my kids would always be assured of my …
The post When I Put God First In My Marriage, Nobody Competes For My Love appeared first on .
]]>Many years ago, my husband was trying to explain to someone how your relationship with your spouse, if you have one, is more important than any other earthly relationship.
The other person quickly said, “No, it’s with your kids.”
To which my husband said, “It doesn’t mean that you love your kids less, it’s just that they will move on and all that will be left is you and your spouse. If the marriage breaks down, everything falls apart.”
The other person didn’t quite seem to get what my husband was saying.
This is often what happens. When someone says your relationship with your spouse is one of the highest priorities, people often hear, “Don’t love your kids as much as your spouse.”
I think we’ve gone about explaining this not quite accurately enough so that people understand. This weekend, at our Sunday Bible study with our kids, my husband and I were talking about love with them. I’ll try to capture what I said to them.
Our number one relationship in all of life should be with God. God is love and if He is love then a relationship with Him is how we come to truly and fully understand what love is and how to love well. God loves us perfectly, fully, wholly, immensely, and eternally. There is no flaw in His love and there is no measure to it.
When we put God first in our lives and really truly try to live our lives for Him, we are graced with the capacity to love more like Him. The more we tap into God, the more we open ourselves up to being more like Him and the more we are like Him, the better we love.
It isn’t like I have a cookie jar full of love where I dole out my love to those in my family. It’s not as if I say, “Okay, Dustin, you get 1/2 of my love. Kids, you get to divide 1/4 of my love up evenly between you, and there will be 1/4 left over for my mom, dad, brother, sister, other family members, and friends.” This is not how love works when done right.
When we order things as they should, with God at the top of our priority list, the love is limitless. We don’t have to measure our love out to those around us. We don’t run out; our love doesn’t dry up. Quite the opposite, we are able to love more fully, wholly, and immensely, because we have tapped into the source of love–God. There is not an X amount of love in the world and when we’ve given it out, then it’s all gone. No, the beautiful thing about love is that the more we give away, the more we have to give away. It just keeps coming.
When I order my life with God at the top, I am able to love my husband more completely. This in turn allows me to love my children more completely. My marriage comes from God and through the love in our marriage came our children. It flows perfectly: From God, our marriage; from our marriage, our kids. Loving God first frees us to love in a deep, deep way. Our children come through the love in the marriage and it only makes sense that to keep the family happy, intact, and loving, the parents must make sure that they are loving each other well.
There has never been a family in the history of the world that has fallen apart when the spouses were both loving the other deeply, truly, and fully. There have been families–many in fact–that have fallen apart when the spouses neglected each other and focused all their love on their kids.
The point is that when someone says your marriage needs to take precedence over your other earthly relationships, they are not in anyway implying that you should love your kids less. No one is saying to completely ignore the young’uns and just stare into your spouses eyes all day. A healthy marriage, however, is more necessary, more essential to the well-being of all in the family.
But, what about single people and single mothers and fathers? No matter your situation in life, your relationship with God is the most important. Growing closer to God only helps you to love better all who cross your path. It helps you to offer a smile to a stranger, to say a kind word to the cashier, to help a co-worker who is feeling overwhelmed. We are commanded by God to love everyone, but how I show that love looks different depending on the closeness of my relationship with a certain person.
I often times get a feeling that people have a certain “pride” in saying that they love their kids more than their spouse. It is important to remember that kids desperately want their parents to love each other. They need to see that you do, because it gives them security and peace. Each month, my husband and I have date night and my two older children watch their younger brother. They never gripe or complain. In fact, my oldest told me that she loves seeing us go out on dates. The question is why? She loves it, because her foundation is her father and I. If we are broken, or teetering on shaky ground, our children will feel anxious, fearful, nervous, and doubtful of the state of the family.
I grew up with both my parents giving me and my siblings tons of attention and love. Sadly, they couldn’t find a way to love each other and I always ached for that. In fact, I wish in many ways, they would have put their effort into each other more than into us kids. My parents didn’t stay together and it is a truly difficult thing when your foundation breaks. I vowed in my heart that my kids would always be assured of my …
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Recently, I heard a story about a guy who went on an anniversary vacation with his wife. They went to a beach location and the guy said, “I’m not gonna lie, I was looking. I was at a beach and my wife knows that guys look. She’s cool with it.”
To which my husband responded, “Really? How much better would she feel if you didn’t and focused only on her?”
The guy didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when spouses talk–even lust–out loud over someone other than their spouse. I cringe inside every single time, because it is such an unnecessary, hurtful thing to do. I cringe because there was a time when I had boyfriends who loudly and proudly ogled other women in my presence and it always made me feel the size of an ant. I never felt loved or special. In fact, my heart felt trampled and deflated.
Our spouses are entrusted to us and we are–along with God–the keepers of their hearts. It should be our goal, each and every day, to make our spouse feel and know our love. Will we always do this perfectly? No, of course not. However, I hear time and again people giving each other passes in the area of “checking out” other people.
The “boys will be boys” line doesn’t and shouldn’t fly. What a low bar of expectation. Yes, men are the more visual of the sexes, but this is not a free pass to dishonor one’s spouse at any moment. There is nothing more appealing than a man who knows how to discipline himself and who respects his wife by honoring her with this heart, mind and, yes, even his eyes. Ladies aren’t off the hook either. I’ve heard plenty of wives remark on their desire for this actor or that actor.
One common objection that I often hear is that one spouse will say, “Well, my spouse doesn’t really care if I look.”
Yes, they do. They care and they care deeply. There isn’t a spouse on earth that would rather their partner look and lust after someone other than them. They may say they don’t care, but they say this for three reasons.
- They’ve been yelled at about it. Whenever I would confront my boyfriends on their wandering eyes, they’d yell at me, berate me, and then do it all the more. I’d tell them that it hurt my feelings, but that mattered none. So, in time, I just stopped saying anything.
- They say this because they know that if they ask you to stop, you won’t. The pain of asking and be rejected feels worse than just simply going along and acting like “it doesn’t bother me.” It’s a defense response. It’s hard to tell your spouse that something they are doing is hurting you and they refuse to give it up. This doesn’t speak love at all.
- They are engaging in the same act and don’t want to stop. I’ve been around spouses where both of them will go on and on about their “dream sheet.” You know, the list of gorgeous people they would hook up with if they could. They say this right in front of each other and it almost becomes a contest to see who can out-ogle the other. I never walk away from those couples thinking, “Wow, there’s a solid, loving couple!”
When one “looks” (read checks out lustfully) at other people, especially when married, they are not looking because of a genuine interest in getting to know them as a person. They are doing just what that guy on his anniversary (ANNIVERSARY TRIP!) was doing–looking and imagining a sexual encounter with them. No one is saying, “Gee, I wonder if that guy enjoys reading mysterious novels or I wonder if she was a good student in high school?” Let’s not kid ourselves. When your spouse hears you speak openly about your desire for someone else, trust is broken, hearts are hurt, and desire leaves. In essence, you are telling your spouse, that they are not enough. Every spouse wants to be cherished, honored, and loved. It’s hard to look lovingly at your spouse when you are rubber-necking to try to get a look at the attractive person walking past.
So, your spouse tells you it’s okay. But, like my husband says, how much better would they feel if you told them that your eyes are only for them? They’d feel better. I assure you. If you are one of those spouses that says it’s okay, don’t give a pink slip to engage in this activity. It’s not okay and it flies in the face of marital love. Your kids don’t need to hear daddy talking about the “hotness” of the lady on the beach. Your kids don’t need to hear about how mom would jump in bed with Harrison Ford if given the chance. They need to see that love seeks to lift up the other. It doesn’t mean we have to walk around acting like everyone else but our spouses are hideous trolls. That’s unrealistic and silly. There’s a respectful way to comment on a person’s look when describing them and there’s a disrespectful way to do it where you come off like a hormonal teenager with no self-control.
Knowing that your spouse often checks out other people will quickly kill desire. All kinds of thoughts enter the mind.
“Am I good enough?”
“My body doesn’t look like hers. I’ve had three kids. When we are intimate does he think of her instead?”
“If they were left alone together would my wife be faithful?”
It’s natural to recognize a pretty or handsome face. It’s what we do once we see one that speaks a lot about the state of our heart. Do we entertain lustful thoughts? Or do we work to remove those thoughts and focus on our spouse and our love for them? My husband always says, “Our …
The post My Spouse Doesn’t Care If I Look At Other People! I Promise You They Do. appeared first on .
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Recently, I heard a story about a guy who went on an anniversary vacation with his wife. They went to a beach location and the guy said, “I’m not gonna lie, I was looking. I was at a beach and my wife knows that guys look. She’s cool with it.”
To which my husband responded, “Really? How much better would she feel if you didn’t and focused only on her?”
The guy didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when spouses talk–even lust–out loud over someone other than their spouse. I cringe inside every single time, because it is such an unnecessary, hurtful thing to do. I cringe because there was a time when I had boyfriends who loudly and proudly ogled other women in my presence and it always made me feel the size of an ant. I never felt loved or special. In fact, my heart felt trampled and deflated.
Our spouses are entrusted to us and we are–along with God–the keepers of their hearts. It should be our goal, each and every day, to make our spouse feel and know our love. Will we always do this perfectly? No, of course not. However, I hear time and again people giving each other passes in the area of “checking out” other people.
The “boys will be boys” line doesn’t and shouldn’t fly. What a low bar of expectation. Yes, men are the more visual of the sexes, but this is not a free pass to dishonor one’s spouse at any moment. There is nothing more appealing than a man who knows how to discipline himself and who respects his wife by honoring her with this heart, mind and, yes, even his eyes. Ladies aren’t off the hook either. I’ve heard plenty of wives remark on their desire for this actor or that actor.
One common objection that I often hear is that one spouse will say, “Well, my spouse doesn’t really care if I look.”
Yes, they do. They care and they care deeply. There isn’t a spouse on earth that would rather their partner look and lust after someone other than them. They may say they don’t care, but they say this for three reasons.
- They’ve been yelled at about it. Whenever I would confront my boyfriends on their wandering eyes, they’d yell at me, berate me, and then do it all the more. I’d tell them that it hurt my feelings, but that mattered none. So, in time, I just stopped saying anything.
- They say this because they know that if they ask you to stop, you won’t. The pain of asking and be rejected feels worse than just simply going along and acting like “it doesn’t bother me.” It’s a defense response. It’s hard to tell your spouse that something they are doing is hurting you and they refuse to give it up. This doesn’t speak love at all.
- They are engaging in the same act and don’t want to stop. I’ve been around spouses where both of them will go on and on about their “dream sheet.” You know, the list of gorgeous people they would hook up with if they could. They say this right in front of each other and it almost becomes a contest to see who can out-ogle the other. I never walk away from those couples thinking, “Wow, there’s a solid, loving couple!”
When one “looks” (read checks out lustfully) at other people, especially when married, they are not looking because of a genuine interest in getting to know them as a person. They are doing just what that guy on his anniversary (ANNIVERSARY TRIP!) was doing–looking and imagining a sexual encounter with them. No one is saying, “Gee, I wonder if that guy enjoys reading mysterious novels or I wonder if she was a good student in high school?” Let’s not kid ourselves. When your spouse hears you speak openly about your desire for someone else, trust is broken, hearts are hurt, and desire leaves. In essence, you are telling your spouse, that they are not enough. Every spouse wants to be cherished, honored, and loved. It’s hard to look lovingly at your spouse when you are rubber-necking to try to get a look at the attractive person walking past.
So, your spouse tells you it’s okay. But, like my husband says, how much better would they feel if you told them that your eyes are only for them? They’d feel better. I assure you. If you are one of those spouses that says it’s okay, don’t give a pink slip to engage in this activity. It’s not okay and it flies in the face of marital love. Your kids don’t need to hear daddy talking about the “hotness” of the lady on the beach. Your kids don’t need to hear about how mom would jump in bed with Harrison Ford if given the chance. They need to see that love seeks to lift up the other. It doesn’t mean we have to walk around acting like everyone else but our spouses are hideous trolls. That’s unrealistic and silly. There’s a respectful way to comment on a person’s look when describing them and there’s a disrespectful way to do it where you come off like a hormonal teenager with no self-control.
Knowing that your spouse often checks out other people will quickly kill desire. All kinds of thoughts enter the mind.
“Am I good enough?”
“My body doesn’t look like hers. I’ve had three kids. When we are intimate does he think of her instead?”
“If they were left alone together would my wife be faithful?”
It’s natural to recognize a pretty or handsome face. It’s what we do once we see one that speaks a lot about the state of our heart. Do we entertain lustful thoughts? Or do we work to remove those thoughts and focus on our spouse and our love for them? My husband always says, “Our …
The post My Spouse Doesn’t Care If I Look At Other People! I Promise You They Do. appeared first on .
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What do you get a man for Valentine’s Day? There aren’t too many men I know of that like stuffed animals, bouquets of flowers or fancy jewelry. Quite honestly, Valentine’s Day seems more for the ladies. I pity the man who has a birthday on Valentine’s Day. Actually, I have an uncle whose birthday is on Valentine’s Day–poor soul.
I thought I’d brainstorm some ideas for a man based off the of The 5 Love Languages. If you haven’t read the book The 5 Love Languages, I highly recommend it. It really helps you understand your spouse and how best to show him or her love in a way that speaks to them.
The five love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Most people like to have love shown to them in one of these ways; some people have two. The important thing is to find what speaks to your spouse and try to do things in that area for them. So, if you have a general idea of what speaks love to your husband, here are some ideas for him for Valentine’s Day.
Words of Affirmation:
If your hubby likes to be complimented or hear words of praise, he is a words of affirmation guy. A fun idea for him would be to handwrite 25 reasons you love him. I did this for my husband when he was deployed. It doesn’t have to be an exhaustive list, but just enough to show him many of the reasons why you love him.
Acts of Service:
If your hubby feels loved when you actively do something for him, he is an acts of service guy. For Valentine’s Day, you could clean and detail his car for him, plus leave a love note. You could also make his favorite meal, topped off with his favorite dessert. It needs to be something where you go a little above and beyond. Most women already do the laundry and take out the trash from time-to-time. Go the extra mile for him.
Gifts:
On Valentine’s Day, my husband and I have a journal where we write down our favorite memory of the past year, a memory that wasn’t so great, and how we think the other has grown. We each write in a different colored pen. You could get a journal and start off by writing down five of your favorite memories of your life together. Then each year, start writing in it together and it will be a like a snapshot of that year for you. We love looking back on what was going on for us in a particular year that we had forgotten about. Grab a bottle of wine and once the kids are asleep, give him the book and let him read what you wrote. Then make it an annual Valentine’s Day tradition where you write together. Sometimes, we get so bogged down with the mundane things of life that we forget to reminisce about all those special times as a couple.
Quality Time:
Pick to do something out of the ordinary, like indoor rock climbing, go to an arcade, go-carts, or go play pool together. Men like to be active, so doing something fun with you will definitely make them smile. Valentine’s Day doesn’t always have to be about getting dressed up for a fancy dinner. Another idea, if you can, is to take a day hike and bring a picnic. He will appreciate that you picked out something that is up his alley.
If you have small kids and can’t go out, make dinner at home and once the kids are asleep play a board game. Put the phone away, turn off the TV and focus on each other.
Physical Touch:
I know what your thinking: That this love language is all about sex, but it isn’t. My husband is a physical touch guy, which means he loves hugs, kisses, holding hands, and having his head rubbed. It doesn’t always mean intimate time in the bedroom. For Valentine’s Day, you could give him a full body massage, complete with candles and music. To make it extra special, buy some chocolate covered strawberries.
Men aren’t too complicated and you don’t have to spend a ton of money on them. No matter what you do, they will appreciate the effort and thought that you put in. Sometimes it’s good to focus on them a little and let them know that they are loved and appreciated.
Have a love filled Valentine’s Day!…
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]]>What do you get a man for Valentine’s Day? There aren’t too many men I know of that like stuffed animals, bouquets of flowers or fancy jewelry. Quite honestly, Valentine’s Day seems more for the ladies. I pity the man who has a birthday on Valentine’s Day. Actually, I have an uncle whose birthday is on Valentine’s Day–poor soul.
I thought I’d brainstorm some ideas for a man based off the of The 5 Love Languages. If you haven’t read the book The 5 Love Languages, I highly recommend it. It really helps you understand your spouse and how best to show him or her love in a way that speaks to them.
The five love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Most people like to have love shown to them in one of these ways; some people have two. The important thing is to find what speaks to your spouse and try to do things in that area for them. So, if you have a general idea of what speaks love to your husband, here are some ideas for him for Valentine’s Day.
Words of Affirmation:
If your hubby likes to be complimented or hear words of praise, he is a words of affirmation guy. A fun idea for him would be to handwrite 25 reasons you love him. I did this for my husband when he was deployed. It doesn’t have to be an exhaustive list, but just enough to show him many of the reasons why you love him.
Acts of Service:
If your hubby feels loved when you actively do something for him, he is an acts of service guy. For Valentine’s Day, you could clean and detail his car for him, plus leave a love note. You could also make his favorite meal, topped off with his favorite dessert. It needs to be something where you go a little above and beyond. Most women already do the laundry and take out the trash from time-to-time. Go the extra mile for him.
Gifts:
On Valentine’s Day, my husband and I have a journal where we write down our favorite memory of the past year, a memory that wasn’t so great, and how we think the other has grown. We each write in a different colored pen. You could get a journal and start off by writing down five of your favorite memories of your life together. Then each year, start writing in it together and it will be a like a snapshot of that year for you. We love looking back on what was going on for us in a particular year that we had forgotten about. Grab a bottle of wine and once the kids are asleep, give him the book and let him read what you wrote. Then make it an annual Valentine’s Day tradition where you write together. Sometimes, we get so bogged down with the mundane things of life that we forget to reminisce about all those special times as a couple.
Quality Time:
Pick to do something out of the ordinary, like indoor rock climbing, go to an arcade, go-carts, or go play pool together. Men like to be active, so doing something fun with you will definitely make them smile. Valentine’s Day doesn’t always have to be about getting dressed up for a fancy dinner. Another idea, if you can, is to take a day hike and bring a picnic. He will appreciate that you picked out something that is up his alley.
If you have small kids and can’t go out, make dinner at home and once the kids are asleep play a board game. Put the phone away, turn off the TV and focus on each other.
Physical Touch:
I know what your thinking: That this love language is all about sex, but it isn’t. My husband is a physical touch guy, which means he loves hugs, kisses, holding hands, and having his head rubbed. It doesn’t always mean intimate time in the bedroom. For Valentine’s Day, you could give him a full body massage, complete with candles and music. To make it extra special, buy some chocolate covered strawberries.
Men aren’t too complicated and you don’t have to spend a ton of money on them. No matter what you do, they will appreciate the effort and thought that you put in. Sometimes it’s good to focus on them a little and let them know that they are loved and appreciated.
Have a love filled Valentine’s Day!…
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I was in the parking lot of the BX (Base Exchange) the other day with my kids. As I was placing my goods in the car and getting my son buckled in, I heard loud shouting and cussing coming from somewhere in the parking lot. I couldn’t really hear what the person was so upset about, but I just wanted to get my kids in the car to save their ears from the man’s tirade. As I was getting in the car, a very angry man made his way to the car parked right in front of me. He was dressed in a nice suit, but what was coming out of his mouth was nothing but filth. I was one second away from telling him to watch his language, but at that exact moment, a woman came onto the scene.
She had been following behind her husband at a great distance. I could understand why. He was embarrassing her and quite possibly yelling at her. She had the look of a woman who had endured this for many years–the yelling, the hot temper, the insults, the words that cut like knives.
Her husband got in the car and slammed the door. As she passed in front of the car–her arms wrapped around her in a protective way–our eyes met. Her eyes full of sadness spoke volumes to me.
As she got in the car, she sat down and her husband immediately started in on her. I could tell he was yelling and cussing up a storm. She looked back up at me sitting across from her and I tried to tell her with my eyes that I cared. She hung her head and they drove away.
I used to be a counselor for victims of domestic violence and I know this story all too well. I know the look of a woman who has been through years of emotional abuse. It’s as if all the ugly words have squeezed out every ounce of self-esteem and self-confidence. Basically, they look unloved.
It angers me, because there is so little that can be done. The police can’t be bothered with emotional abuse–they are too busy dealing with all the other ways we, as humans, hurt each other.
Our words matter. They matter so much. We can lift up a life or we can cut it down. The manner in which we choose to speak to people says a lot about us. Our words reflect our souls.
I see so many married couples that use their words like a whip on the back of the one they claim to love. It’s such a sad, unnecessary tragedy. I always tell my children to listen to a person’s words and watch their actions. If the words and the actions are habitually opposed to each other, this is a person that cannot be trusted. I had boyfriends who proclaimed their love in words, yet their actions were hurtful and scarring. This is inconsistent and unhealthy for any relationship, not to mention terribly confusing.
Our marriages, and any relationship really, should not be a place where pain is the norm. If we say we love someone, we should always work to make them feel that love. A good man uses his words to lift up those around him. A good man always seeks to heal and help. A man is always at his best when he causes those around him to shine–sometimes even brighter than himself.
All of us–women and men–should always use our words and our actions to bring about love–especially in a marriage. Any person that I’ve ever met that has used words to cut people is not a joyful person. How could you be? Joy is not found in removing love from people’s lives.
“We can turn our heart through the words we say
Mountains crumble with every syllable
Hope can live or die”
Our words have power. Instinctively we know this, because if we are looking to make someone feel as rotten as we feel, we use words that reflect that darkness. If we have joy in our hearts and seek to love, our words are healing and helpful. At the times in my life when I have used words to hurt, I feel heavy–burdened. How light our hearts feel when our words bring life and love to someone.
I’ve been praying for the lady I saw–I know all too well the sting of painful words. I pray that her husband chooses to heal her broken heart. My heart was once broken, too, by boyfriends from my past. Upon entering my life, my husband spoke life and love to me and that has made all the difference. A person is truly strong when they choose to build up and not tear down.
“Look into the eyes of the broken hearted
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope, you speak love, you speak life.”
*Song lyrics are from Toby Mac’s song “Speak Life.”…
The post Our Words Have Power: Are We Using Them to Speak Love and Life? appeared first on .
]]>I was in the parking lot of the BX (Base Exchange) the other day with my kids. As I was placing my goods in the car and getting my son buckled in, I heard loud shouting and cussing coming from somewhere in the parking lot. I couldn’t really hear what the person was so upset about, but I just wanted to get my kids in the car to save their ears from the man’s tirade. As I was getting in the car, a very angry man made his way to the car parked right in front of me. He was dressed in a nice suit, but what was coming out of his mouth was nothing but filth. I was one second away from telling him to watch his language, but at that exact moment, a woman came onto the scene.
She had been following behind her husband at a great distance. I could understand why. He was embarrassing her and quite possibly yelling at her. She had the look of a woman who had endured this for many years–the yelling, the hot temper, the insults, the words that cut like knives.
Her husband got in the car and slammed the door. As she passed in front of the car–her arms wrapped around her in a protective way–our eyes met. Her eyes full of sadness spoke volumes to me.
As she got in the car, she sat down and her husband immediately started in on her. I could tell he was yelling and cussing up a storm. She looked back up at me sitting across from her and I tried to tell her with my eyes that I cared. She hung her head and they drove away.
I used to be a counselor for victims of domestic violence and I know this story all too well. I know the look of a woman who has been through years of emotional abuse. It’s as if all the ugly words have squeezed out every ounce of self-esteem and self-confidence. Basically, they look unloved.
It angers me, because there is so little that can be done. The police can’t be bothered with emotional abuse–they are too busy dealing with all the other ways we, as humans, hurt each other.
Our words matter. They matter so much. We can lift up a life or we can cut it down. The manner in which we choose to speak to people says a lot about us. Our words reflect our souls.
I see so many married couples that use their words like a whip on the back of the one they claim to love. It’s such a sad, unnecessary tragedy. I always tell my children to listen to a person’s words and watch their actions. If the words and the actions are habitually opposed to each other, this is a person that cannot be trusted. I had boyfriends who proclaimed their love in words, yet their actions were hurtful and scarring. This is inconsistent and unhealthy for any relationship, not to mention terribly confusing.
Our marriages, and any relationship really, should not be a place where pain is the norm. If we say we love someone, we should always work to make them feel that love. A good man uses his words to lift up those around him. A good man always seeks to heal and help. A man is always at his best when he causes those around him to shine–sometimes even brighter than himself.
All of us–women and men–should always use our words and our actions to bring about love–especially in a marriage. Any person that I’ve ever met that has used words to cut people is not a joyful person. How could you be? Joy is not found in removing love from people’s lives.
“We can turn our heart through the words we say
Mountains crumble with every syllable
Hope can live or die”
Our words have power. Instinctively we know this, because if we are looking to make someone feel as rotten as we feel, we use words that reflect that darkness. If we have joy in our hearts and seek to love, our words are healing and helpful. At the times in my life when I have used words to hurt, I feel heavy–burdened. How light our hearts feel when our words bring life and love to someone.
I’ve been praying for the lady I saw–I know all too well the sting of painful words. I pray that her husband chooses to heal her broken heart. My heart was once broken, too, by boyfriends from my past. Upon entering my life, my husband spoke life and love to me and that has made all the difference. A person is truly strong when they choose to build up and not tear down.
“Look into the eyes of the broken hearted
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope, you speak love, you speak life.”
*Song lyrics are from Toby Mac’s song “Speak Life.”…
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I think every mother remembers that exact moment when the doctor placed their newborn baby on their chest. My firstborn looked me right in the eyes and there was no doubt that my life would never be the same. There was nothing more perfect than her in the whole world.
My second child, I couldn’t hold right away, because she was in the NICU. She came a little too early and she had to be delivered by emergency c-section. After I woke up from the anesthesia, they wheeled me upstairs to see her. She was laying in a plastic box where she was covered with tubes and wires. The ache to hold her was overwhelming. She was so tiny and precious and it felt unnatural not to snuggle her close to me.
When I finally looked into my son’s eyes for the first time, I felt joy in the fullest. After losing eight children to miscarriages, he was our miracle baby. His little chubby face reminded me that hope always wins.
This time of the year, as a mother, I always feel a special connection to Mary. I always wonder what that night was like when she gave birth to Jesus. I often wonder who delivered Jesus. Was it Joseph? Did Mary labor all alone? Was there maybe another woman around to help her?
Can you imagine, though, what she must have felt when she saw her son for the first time? What must it have been like to look into the face of God and know that your son was destined for things beyond your understanding at that time? Seeing your child for the first time is always surreal, because they are a product of love. What started out as a tiny, tiny human is now here with their own little personality. For Mary, though, the surrealness had to be on a whole different level. To quote the song, “the tiny child she was holding was the great I Am.” Just the thought of it leaves you with a profound sense of awe.
What a special gift Mary was given. I don’t think special is even the right word. To hold God, to raise Him and care for Him, is sometimes beyond the scope of my mind. However, it was because God loves us so much that the story is the way it is. Babies are created through an act ordered towards love. Christ was made flesh through the love of the divine life of the Holy Spirit. How fitting that God came into this world to rest in the arms of a mother. It is a place where love resides.
Everything about Christ becoming man is love. He didn’t force His way here. He didn’t show off in some mighty show-down. No, He came as a helpless baby into the arms of a loving mother. As women, we are truly blessed to carry our children and bring them into this world. It is such a beautiful act of love. I think, in many ways, God knew that this would be the best way to come into the world–through a mother. A mother’s love is some pretty strong stuff.
Mary was given a special grace through the honor of being the Mother of God. Jesus is the supreme gift to the world. Every mother gets the unique privilege to share in this specialness, because, we know from the first moment we see our children, that we, too, have been given a gift. It is our honor to mother these precious gifts from God and love them through their lives.
In my opinion, the single most important human role in the world is being the Mother of God. Women bring forth life and truly sustain it. Not every woman is a mother to a biological or adoptive child, but we care and nurture in so many other beautiful ways. It’s born within us–to take love and spread it all around. All around. Mary had all the love. She said “yes” to God and in doing so gave ALL of us Christ. She literally gave us Love. Such a good mother.
…
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]]>I think every mother remembers that exact moment when the doctor placed their newborn baby on their chest. My firstborn looked me right in the eyes and there was no doubt that my life would never be the same. There was nothing more perfect than her in the whole world.
My second child, I couldn’t hold right away, because she was in the NICU. She came a little too early and she had to be delivered by emergency c-section. After I woke up from the anesthesia, they wheeled me upstairs to see her. She was laying in a plastic box where she was covered with tubes and wires. The ache to hold her was overwhelming. She was so tiny and precious and it felt unnatural not to snuggle her close to me.
When I finally looked into my son’s eyes for the first time, I felt joy in the fullest. After losing eight children to miscarriages, he was our miracle baby. His little chubby face reminded me that hope always wins.
This time of the year, as a mother, I always feel a special connection to Mary. I always wonder what that night was like when she gave birth to Jesus. I often wonder who delivered Jesus. Was it Joseph? Did Mary labor all alone? Was there maybe another woman around to help her?
Can you imagine, though, what she must have felt when she saw her son for the first time? What must it have been like to look into the face of God and know that your son was destined for things beyond your understanding at that time? Seeing your child for the first time is always surreal, because they are a product of love. What started out as a tiny, tiny human is now here with their own little personality. For Mary, though, the surrealness had to be on a whole different level. To quote the song, “the tiny child she was holding was the great I Am.” Just the thought of it leaves you with a profound sense of awe.
What a special gift Mary was given. I don’t think special is even the right word. To hold God, to raise Him and care for Him, is sometimes beyond the scope of my mind. However, it was because God loves us so much that the story is the way it is. Babies are created through an act ordered towards love. Christ was made flesh through the love of the divine life of the Holy Spirit. How fitting that God came into this world to rest in the arms of a mother. It is a place where love resides.
Everything about Christ becoming man is love. He didn’t force His way here. He didn’t show off in some mighty show-down. No, He came as a helpless baby into the arms of a loving mother. As women, we are truly blessed to carry our children and bring them into this world. It is such a beautiful act of love. I think, in many ways, God knew that this would be the best way to come into the world–through a mother. A mother’s love is some pretty strong stuff.
Mary was given a special grace through the honor of being the Mother of God. Jesus is the supreme gift to the world. Every mother gets the unique privilege to share in this specialness, because, we know from the first moment we see our children, that we, too, have been given a gift. It is our honor to mother these precious gifts from God and love them through their lives.
In my opinion, the single most important human role in the world is being the Mother of God. Women bring forth life and truly sustain it. Not every woman is a mother to a biological or adoptive child, but we care and nurture in so many other beautiful ways. It’s born within us–to take love and spread it all around. All around. Mary had all the love. She said “yes” to God and in doing so gave ALL of us Christ. She literally gave us Love. Such a good mother.
…
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]]>
November’s Featured Married Couple is Javier and Yvette. My family first met them when Javier and my husband, Dustin, worked together at Edwards AFB. I am so grateful that our paths crossed, because both of them are true and genuine friends. They are a beautiful couple inside and out and you can’t help but want to be around them. They are always generous with their time, their home, and their friendship. Every time I see them, I think to myself, “Those two were seriously made for each other.” Javier is a Major in the United States Air Force and Yvette maintains their busy life while looking after their three amazing children. They told me that they answered these questions apart from each other and then shared them after they were finished. They really enjoyed reading each other’s answers and I think you’ll find that they are deeply connected and have some truly beautiful things to say about each other. A good lesson for us all in lifting up your spouse.
What did you do for your first date?
Yvette–For our first official date, we went out to dinner to a famous restaurant in Austin, TX called Trudys. After dinner we went to play pool and we had a great time, especially laughing at my pool skills. We met through his college roommate and we exchanged phone numbers during a “study session,” which we weren’t very productive at because we spent our time eating cake and getting to know each other. I was initially a little nervous, but as I got to talk to him more I felt very comfortable and really enjoyed his company.
Javier–Man, I still remember that like it was yesterday. Yvette was rocking a white blouse and some blue jeans. I took her to Trudy’s for dinner and followed it up playing pool where she proceeded to hit the balls off our table all over the pool hall. Everybody was looking at us like “what’s their problem?”
I still remember that I really wanted to impress her and I needed a haircut bad. I went to my normal guy, Junior, and of course his shop was closed. I was already running late so I decided to go somewhere in the mall. I was running like a mad man and ended up paying 30 bucks for a haircut… the most I’ve ever paid to date. While I was sitting there I was thinking to myself… this better be worth it.
I had just had my car broken into, so my passenger window was all taped up. Talk about embarrassing. As I picked Yvette up (on time!) I asked her if it was ok if we took her car. She didn’t make a big deal about it and let me drive. I knew there was something special about her.
We had a great night and I asked her if we could do it again to which she said yes. I even left her with a little surprise. Apparently, I left the parking brake on in her car, which she drove around town with… oops.
Yvette, what initially attracted you to Javier?
What initially attracted me to Javier was his mannerism. I had never met a guy that was such a gentleman. He opened every door for me and made me feel so special. He showed up with flowers on our first date and was so interested in getting to know me as a person. He never made me feel pressured and paid attention to every detail.
Javier, what initially attracted you to Yvette?
First things that caught my attention when I met Yvette were her beauty and class. She just glowed and she did it in a way that I hadn’t really seen in most girls. Then when we started talking she just blew my mind. We didn’t date that long in college, but I remember it being one of the best semesters I had.
What do you love the most about being married?
Yvette–I love to know that I’m married to a selfless, loving and hardworking man whom I get to spend my everyday with. It’s so fulfilling to know that I am married to my best friend and that he genuinely loves me unconditionally, even through all my flaws. We have our difficult days, like every couple, but at the end of the day we both know that we can always count on each other for love and support.
Javier–An indescribable sense of comfort and acceptance. I can be me and Yvette can be Yvette. There are no secrets, no facades of an image you’re trying to keep up. I love her for who she is. It’s just an amazing thing to have that level of intimacy with someone.
What’s one of the hardest parts of being married, in your opinion?
Yvette–One of the hardest things about marriage has been managing our time wisely with our busy schedules. Having three little ones that need so much of us and with Javier’s demanding work schedule, it’s sometimes difficult to make time for us as a couple. We know that this is a phase that will pass, but at times we do want to slow down and enjoy each other more without interruptions. I do love that Javier always tries his best to be appreciative of everything I do by checking up on me while he is away and expressing his love with words and actions to our kids and me.
…
The post November’s Featured Married Couple: Javier and Yvette “Love Unconditionally” appeared first on .
]]>November’s Featured Married Couple is Javier and Yvette. My family first met them when Javier and my husband, Dustin, worked together at Edwards AFB. I am so grateful that our paths crossed, because both of them are true and genuine friends. They are a beautiful couple inside and out and you can’t help but want to be around them. They are always generous with their time, their home, and their friendship. Every time I see them, I think to myself, “Those two were seriously made for each other.” Javier is a Major in the United States Air Force and Yvette maintains their busy life while looking after their three amazing children. They told me that they answered these questions apart from each other and then shared them after they were finished. They really enjoyed reading each other’s answers and I think you’ll find that they are deeply connected and have some truly beautiful things to say about each other. A good lesson for us all in lifting up your spouse.
What did you do for your first date?
Yvette–For our first official date, we went out to dinner to a famous restaurant in Austin, TX called Trudys. After dinner we went to play pool and we had a great time, especially laughing at my pool skills. We met through his college roommate and we exchanged phone numbers during a “study session,” which we weren’t very productive at because we spent our time eating cake and getting to know each other. I was initially a little nervous, but as I got to talk to him more I felt very comfortable and really enjoyed his company.
Javier–Man, I still remember that like it was yesterday. Yvette was rocking a white blouse and some blue jeans. I took her to Trudy’s for dinner and followed it up playing pool where she proceeded to hit the balls off our table all over the pool hall. Everybody was looking at us like “what’s their problem?”
I still remember that I really wanted to impress her and I needed a haircut bad. I went to my normal guy, Junior, and of course his shop was closed. I was already running late so I decided to go somewhere in the mall. I was running like a mad man and ended up paying 30 bucks for a haircut… the most I’ve ever paid to date. While I was sitting there I was thinking to myself… this better be worth it.
I had just had my car broken into, so my passenger window was all taped up. Talk about embarrassing. As I picked Yvette up (on time!) I asked her if it was ok if we took her car. She didn’t make a big deal about it and let me drive. I knew there was something special about her.
We had a great night and I asked her if we could do it again to which she said yes. I even left her with a little surprise. Apparently, I left the parking brake on in her car, which she drove around town with… oops.
Yvette, what initially attracted you to Javier?
What initially attracted me to Javier was his mannerism. I had never met a guy that was such a gentleman. He opened every door for me and made me feel so special. He showed up with flowers on our first date and was so interested in getting to know me as a person. He never made me feel pressured and paid attention to every detail.
Javier, what initially attracted you to Yvette?
First things that caught my attention when I met Yvette were her beauty and class. She just glowed and she did it in a way that I hadn’t really seen in most girls. Then when we started talking she just blew my mind. We didn’t date that long in college, but I remember it being one of the best semesters I had.
What do you love the most about being married?
Yvette–I love to know that I’m married to a selfless, loving and hardworking man whom I get to spend my everyday with. It’s so fulfilling to know that I am married to my best friend and that he genuinely loves me unconditionally, even through all my flaws. We have our difficult days, like every couple, but at the end of the day we both know that we can always count on each other for love and support.
Javier–An indescribable sense of comfort and acceptance. I can be me and Yvette can be Yvette. There are no secrets, no facades of an image you’re trying to keep up. I love her for who she is. It’s just an amazing thing to have that level of intimacy with someone.
What’s one of the hardest parts of being married, in your opinion?
Yvette–One of the hardest things about marriage has been managing our time wisely with our busy schedules. Having three little ones that need so much of us and with Javier’s demanding work schedule, it’s sometimes difficult to make time for us as a couple. We know that this is a phase that will pass, but at times we do want to slow down and enjoy each other more without interruptions. I do love that Javier always tries his best to be appreciative of everything I do by checking up on me while he is away and expressing his love with words and actions to our kids and me.
The post November’s Featured Married Couple: Javier and Yvette “Love Unconditionally” appeared first on .
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If October’s Featured Married Couple doesn’t make you feel warm and fuzzy inside, well, you may need to see a doctor. Lindsay and Vinnie just celebrated their one year anniversary on September 5th, but their marriage has the wisdom and beauty of a veteran couple. Reading through their answers gave me a renewed hope in the future of marriage–there are those that get what it’s all about. Lindsay and Vinnie have a unique marriage in that Vinnie is away much of the time serving as a merchant mariner in the Mediterranean Sea. While Vinnie is away, Lindsay holds down the fort at their home in Connecticut. She owns a business called JustLovePrints where she makes beautiful works of art using religious quotes. I have several of her things in my home, which is how we came to know one another. You’re gonna fall in love with this couple and may we all learn from them the sheer joy of selfless love.
How long have you been married?
Lindsay — We recently celebrated our first anniversary on September 5!
Vinnie — It feels as if the day before yesterday we were just dating, yesterday we were engaged and planning our wedding, and today we are one year married! For me, the year absolutely flew by but for Lindsay it felt like the longest year (in a good way), because we were blessed to be able to go on so many adventures across the country together.
What did you do for your first date?
Vinnie — We went on a double date with my roommate and Lindsay’s best friend who had initially introduced us to each other. We ended up walking through NYC and going to a little Italian place I knew of for dinner. Being around Lindsay was uncannily easy. Where I had previously been calculating and constantly trying to work out what to say next or how to act cool next, I was simply able to be myself and immensely enjoyed it. This caused my interactions with Lindsay to flow so easily and enjoyably. Definitely not my doing, but the Holy Spirit’s.
Lindsay, what initially attracted you to Vinnie?
What attracted me to Vinnie is that he really took his time getting to know me. We did not jump into a relationship. We took our sweet time forming a solid friendship. I liked that during our Skype calls he would ask me lots of questions to get to know me…and he would really listen and take everything in. He appreciated me for who I was – all of the weird, complicated, happy, sad, funny things that make me who I am. I didn’t have to pretend around him.
Vinnie, what initially attracted you to Lindsay?
Definitely her laugh and the fact she was always making me genuinely laugh. What really glued me to Lindsay though, was how readily she professed being Catholic. I confess, growing up I was a Catholic kid in a Baptist elementary school and then Catholic High School. I figured everyone was pretty much Catholic or some form of Christian and I would be able to pretty easily find a partner who wanted to continue living their lives on the rock. But college exposed me to an incredibly turbulent world in which I could not find a young woman who wanted Catholicism, let alone the faith in Jesus. So I was shown a diamond in the rough with Lindsay. Also, I don’t remember a specific time, but I want to say shortly after just meeting, we started praying together over Skype and I have to say this was a most special and bonding interaction. I had not ever experienced that with any other girlfriend before.
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Lindsay — I think the most surprising thing for me has been how easily we’ve gotten along since moving into our apartment after our honeymoon. Society tries to warn you that if you don’t “play house” prior to marriage, you’re in for a rude awakening. That definitely has not been the case for us. Though we each have had to make some small adjustments, every day has been a huge blessing and an adventure together.
Vinnie — Grace. They say marriage is a sacrament; that it brings grace and all. But, truly I never quite knew what that was supposed to mean until I received God’s grace in so many moments when the worst of me would have come out and hurt our marriage. Instead, God’s grace was able to make it so much more loving, caring, and selfless. I really do receive life when I choose to lose life. Or rather, when I give up (by grace) what I want, how I want, and “My way!” (which is all I did as a child), I received a strange sense of fulfillment and real happiness. This compounds itself and things turn out better every time than if I try forcing “my way.” So these little graces have really turned my life upside down, but Jesus has a habit of doing that.
You two have a unique set of circumstances, talk a little about how you deal with the time apart.
Lindsay — Vinnie is a Marine Engineer and is currently stationed on a ship in the Mediterranean Sea. We spend 28 days apart, and then 28 days together. Although we’ve been dealing with distance since we met in college (we went to different schools, and he went home to California on his breaks – while I stayed in New York) it’s still heartbreaking when it comes time for him to leave for work. When he’s away, I try to keep busy with my two businesses and visiting my family on weekends. I also try to think of and pray for military wives and husbands who sacrifice so much more than we do!
Vinnie — Well, Lindsay has been living this routine with me since we met in 2010. One of the reasons I …
The post October’s Featured Married Couple: Lindsay and Vinnie “Marry Your Best Friend” appeared first on .
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If October’s Featured Married Couple doesn’t make you feel warm and fuzzy inside, well, you may need to see a doctor. Lindsay and Vinnie just celebrated their one year anniversary on September 5th, but their marriage has the wisdom and beauty of a veteran couple. Reading through their answers gave me a renewed hope in the future of marriage–there are those that get what it’s all about. Lindsay and Vinnie have a unique marriage in that Vinnie is away much of the time serving as a merchant mariner in the Mediterranean Sea. While Vinnie is away, Lindsay holds down the fort at their home in Connecticut. She owns a business called JustLovePrints where she makes beautiful works of art using religious quotes. I have several of her things in my home, which is how we came to know one another. You’re gonna fall in love with this couple and may we all learn from them the sheer joy of selfless love.
How long have you been married?
Lindsay — We recently celebrated our first anniversary on September 5!
Vinnie — It feels as if the day before yesterday we were just dating, yesterday we were engaged and planning our wedding, and today we are one year married! For me, the year absolutely flew by but for Lindsay it felt like the longest year (in a good way), because we were blessed to be able to go on so many adventures across the country together.
What did you do for your first date?
Vinnie — We went on a double date with my roommate and Lindsay’s best friend who had initially introduced us to each other. We ended up walking through NYC and going to a little Italian place I knew of for dinner. Being around Lindsay was uncannily easy. Where I had previously been calculating and constantly trying to work out what to say next or how to act cool next, I was simply able to be myself and immensely enjoyed it. This caused my interactions with Lindsay to flow so easily and enjoyably. Definitely not my doing, but the Holy Spirit’s.
Lindsay, what initially attracted you to Vinnie?
What attracted me to Vinnie is that he really took his time getting to know me. We did not jump into a relationship. We took our sweet time forming a solid friendship. I liked that during our Skype calls he would ask me lots of questions to get to know me…and he would really listen and take everything in. He appreciated me for who I was – all of the weird, complicated, happy, sad, funny things that make me who I am. I didn’t have to pretend around him.
Vinnie, what initially attracted you to Lindsay?
Definitely her laugh and the fact she was always making me genuinely laugh. What really glued me to Lindsay though, was how readily she professed being Catholic. I confess, growing up I was a Catholic kid in a Baptist elementary school and then Catholic High School. I figured everyone was pretty much Catholic or some form of Christian and I would be able to pretty easily find a partner who wanted to continue living their lives on the rock. But college exposed me to an incredibly turbulent world in which I could not find a young woman who wanted Catholicism, let alone the faith in Jesus. So I was shown a diamond in the rough with Lindsay. Also, I don’t remember a specific time, but I want to say shortly after just meeting, we started praying together over Skype and I have to say this was a most special and bonding interaction. I had not ever experienced that with any other girlfriend before.
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Lindsay — I think the most surprising thing for me has been how easily we’ve gotten along since moving into our apartment after our honeymoon. Society tries to warn you that if you don’t “play house” prior to marriage, you’re in for a rude awakening. That definitely has not been the case for us. Though we each have had to make some small adjustments, every day has been a huge blessing and an adventure together.
Vinnie — Grace. They say marriage is a sacrament; that it brings grace and all. But, truly I never quite knew what that was supposed to mean until I received God’s grace in so many moments when the worst of me would have come out and hurt our marriage. Instead, God’s grace was able to make it so much more loving, caring, and selfless. I really do receive life when I choose to lose life. Or rather, when I give up (by grace) what I want, how I want, and “My way!” (which is all I did as a child), I received a strange sense of fulfillment and real happiness. This compounds itself and things turn out better every time than if I try forcing “my way.” So these little graces have really turned my life upside down, but Jesus has a habit of doing that.
You two have a unique set of circumstances, talk a little about how you deal with the time apart.
Lindsay — Vinnie is a Marine Engineer and is currently stationed on a ship in the Mediterranean Sea. We spend 28 days apart, and then 28 days together. Although we’ve been dealing with distance since we met in college (we went to different schools, and he went home to California on his breaks – while I stayed in New York) it’s still heartbreaking when it comes time for him to leave for work. When he’s away, I try to keep busy with my two businesses and visiting my family on weekends. I also try to think of and pray for military wives and husbands who sacrifice so much more than we do!
Vinnie — Well, Lindsay has been living this routine with me since we met in 2010. One of the reasons I …
The post October’s Featured Married Couple: Lindsay and Vinnie “Marry Your Best Friend” appeared first on .
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Ahhhh, yeah. This is gonna be a tough one to write. God has recently held up a mirror in front of me. Not a mirror to check and see if my hair looks good, but a mirror to see something way more important. But first, let me set the stage.
Have you ever seen the movie “The Never-Ending Story?” Of course you have, because if you haven’t you wouldn’t really be human. If you haven’t, stop reading, and go watch it. You need to because it will make this blog more clear. Mostly, though, go watch it because if you haven’t you’ll be weird for the rest of your life.
Anyway, there is a scene in that story where the main character, Atreyu, has to face a mirror. Atreyu is on a quest and he has to face himself–his true self–before he can advance on his quest. Most men that face the mirror die in horror or run away screaming at who they truly are–the real them. Atreyu, however, is able to pass through the mirror, because he has the courage to see himself for who he truly is. When I was a kid, I thought it was just a really cool part of the movie, kinda scary, but mostly very cool. Now that I’m an adult, I see it as a very spiritual part of the movie.
I’ve recently had to face my mirror and it has been difficult to accept. A few weeks back I wrote a blog about how I couldn’t forgive my best friend in high school. Upon completion of that blog, I sat reflecting a lot on my life and I started to notice a very sad fact about myself. That fact being that my friend in high school wasn’t the first friend I pridefully removed from my life, nor was she the last. In fact, there is a long string of friends that I have had in my life that I have left in the dust because of my ego and pride. It’s very humiliating, but, sadly, true.
My dearest friend from childhood, I neglected and ignored during high school.
The first real friend I made at college, who later became a roommate, I completely alienated for a period of time. She had some hard things happen to her and instead of being a comfort and a compassionate friend, I screamed and yelled at her. I left her at a very crucial time in her life, which is shameful.
My best buddy in ROTC, I threw out of my life because of a stupid, senseless fight we had over Spring Break.
During college I reconnected with a girl that I had been friends with as a small child. We had a Bible study together and one day, she gently tried to open my eyes to the unChristian way I was interacting with my boyfriend. Instead of listening and seeing her as a true friend, I brushed her aside and didn’t really want anything to do with her after that. I mean, how dare she point out my flaws?
A dear friend that was with me in marching band in college, I ruthlessly removed from my life, because…well…I don’t even know why. I broke her heart and probably left her with a million questions.
Even my own sister has experienced this side of me. I didn’t remove her from my life, but I did lash out in a completely unhelpful and unsisterly way.
I can’t tell you how difficult it is to read these words and know that they are all my actions. Facing the reality of who I’ve been and how I have mercilessly brought the hammer down on so many people is almost unbearable to realize. I have been a Pharisee. I have read those stories in the Bible a hundred times, listening to Jesus’ words, yet those words have not truly sunk in, until now.
Some of the people above that I listed had done some things that I disagreed with. Some of them had done things that were even hurtful to me. Apparently, though, I have an inability to show mercy. I see now, that for me, when someone has crossed a certain line, I just scream, yell, chastise, and remove. I loom over them with my wagging finger and offer no compassion, mercy, or tenderness. As Christians, we are supposed to admonish the sinner, yes, but in love–in love. Lord have mercy, I have never done this. I have only seen myself as a righteous person better than others and I’m sick at the wake of pain I have caused.
A lot of the ladies I mentioned above, I have apologized to, but in a way our relationship never truly and fully recovered. Some of them never recovered at all. And some, regretfully, I have not been able to apologize to, because I don’t know where they are. The crazy thing is, is that I have obviously reached out and apologized to some of these ladies, so I on some level understood that I did wrong. However, I never looked at these actions collectively. I always saw them as individual, isolated incidents and not a repeated pattern of behavior on my part. This is what has shocked me and left me dismayed.
So, I’ve faced my mirror. I’m sure there will be more. Yet, in God’s grace and mercy I faced it at this point in my life, because I think God knew I would be able to stand there and accept it…and, most importantly, want to change it. This truth about me hurts, but I cannot deny it any longer and to do so would never make me a better person. Pope Francis has declared this year a Jubilee Year of Mercy and, all of sudden, for me it means two very important things.
- I have got to learn to show mercy to those closest to me. When looking at myself, I noticed that I tend to
…
The post Facing A Spiritual Mirror Is Tough, But The Pain Is Worth It appeared first on .
]]>Ahhhh, yeah. This is gonna be a tough one to write. God has recently held up a mirror in front of me. Not a mirror to check and see if my hair looks good, but a mirror to see something way more important. But first, let me set the stage.
Have you ever seen the movie “The Never-Ending Story?” Of course you have, because if you haven’t you wouldn’t really be human. If you haven’t, stop reading, and go watch it. You need to because it will make this blog more clear. Mostly, though, go watch it because if you haven’t you’ll be weird for the rest of your life.
Anyway, there is a scene in that story where the main character, Atreyu, has to face a mirror. Atreyu is on a quest and he has to face himself–his true self–before he can advance on his quest. Most men that face the mirror die in horror or run away screaming at who they truly are–the real them. Atreyu, however, is able to pass through the mirror, because he has the courage to see himself for who he truly is. When I was a kid, I thought it was just a really cool part of the movie, kinda scary, but mostly very cool. Now that I’m an adult, I see it as a very spiritual part of the movie.
I’ve recently had to face my mirror and it has been difficult to accept. A few weeks back I wrote a blog about how I couldn’t forgive my best friend in high school. Upon completion of that blog, I sat reflecting a lot on my life and I started to notice a very sad fact about myself. That fact being that my friend in high school wasn’t the first friend I pridefully removed from my life, nor was she the last. In fact, there is a long string of friends that I have had in my life that I have left in the dust because of my ego and pride. It’s very humiliating, but, sadly, true.
My dearest friend from childhood, I neglected and ignored during high school.
The first real friend I made at college, who later became a roommate, I completely alienated for a period of time. She had some hard things happen to her and instead of being a comfort and a compassionate friend, I screamed and yelled at her. I left her at a very crucial time in her life, which is shameful.
My best buddy in ROTC, I threw out of my life because of a stupid, senseless fight we had over Spring Break.
During college I reconnected with a girl that I had been friends with as a small child. We had a Bible study together and one day, she gently tried to open my eyes to the unChristian way I was interacting with my boyfriend. Instead of listening and seeing her as a true friend, I brushed her aside and didn’t really want anything to do with her after that. I mean, how dare she point out my flaws?
A dear friend that was with me in marching band in college, I ruthlessly removed from my life, because…well…I don’t even know why. I broke her heart and probably left her with a million questions.
Even my own sister has experienced this side of me. I didn’t remove her from my life, but I did lash out in a completely unhelpful and unsisterly way.
I can’t tell you how difficult it is to read these words and know that they are all my actions. Facing the reality of who I’ve been and how I have mercilessly brought the hammer down on so many people is almost unbearable to realize. I have been a Pharisee. I have read those stories in the Bible a hundred times, listening to Jesus’ words, yet those words have not truly sunk in, until now.
Some of the people above that I listed had done some things that I disagreed with. Some of them had done things that were even hurtful to me. Apparently, though, I have an inability to show mercy. I see now, that for me, when someone has crossed a certain line, I just scream, yell, chastise, and remove. I loom over them with my wagging finger and offer no compassion, mercy, or tenderness. As Christians, we are supposed to admonish the sinner, yes, but in love–in love. Lord have mercy, I have never done this. I have only seen myself as a righteous person better than others and I’m sick at the wake of pain I have caused.
A lot of the ladies I mentioned above, I have apologized to, but in a way our relationship never truly and fully recovered. Some of them never recovered at all. And some, regretfully, I have not been able to apologize to, because I don’t know where they are. The crazy thing is, is that I have obviously reached out and apologized to some of these ladies, so I on some level understood that I did wrong. However, I never looked at these actions collectively. I always saw them as individual, isolated incidents and not a repeated pattern of behavior on my part. This is what has shocked me and left me dismayed.
So, I’ve faced my mirror. I’m sure there will be more. Yet, in God’s grace and mercy I faced it at this point in my life, because I think God knew I would be able to stand there and accept it…and, most importantly, want to change it. This truth about me hurts, but I cannot deny it any longer and to do so would never make me a better person. Pope Francis has declared this year a Jubilee Year of Mercy and, all of sudden, for me it means two very important things.
- I have got to learn to show mercy to those closest to me. When looking at myself, I noticed that I tend to
The post Facing A Spiritual Mirror Is Tough, But The Pain Is Worth It appeared first on .
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When I first moved to Dayton, Ohio back in 2002, I was fresh out of college and eager to get into the workforce. I ended up working for some defense attorneys doing a job that was humbling, to say the least. I thought I was going to train to be a type of paralegal; I ended up being a gofer. Anyway…
A lot of people getting divorced came through their offices. One day, I walked into the conference room and there was this beautiful Middle Eastern women sitting at the table all alone. She was a little older than me and strikingly gorgeous, but she had a very sad look in her eyes. I sat in the room with her for awhile, just the two of us, as I was helping her fill out some paperwork. The room was very quiet and then all of a sudden she said to me, “Do you know what it’s like to be married to a man who makes your skin crawl?”
I was pretty newly married at that time and my husband has never made my skin crawl…not ever. So, I said quietly, “No, I don’t. Is that why you are getting divorced?”
She said, “When I was thirteen years old, I was forced to marry my much older cousin. Can you imagine having to marry your old, nasty cousin? Can you imagine being forced to try and love him? I have never once loved him and, yet, I have children with him. Can you imagine that? Having to sleep with a man who is related to you? In my country, I could not divorce him or I would suffer greatly. But, we moved to America and I just can’t stay married to him anymore. I want to marry someone who I love because I want to love them.”
I honestly had no idea what to say. At 22 years of age, I had never met a person with this kind of life and, thankfully, I couldn’t relate. I think I mumbled out “I’m so sorry.” She finished signing the paperwork and got up to leave.
“My husband will be here later today to sign his paperwork. Watch out for him. He loves to harass women.”
“Okay, how will I know it’s your husband?”
She said, “Trust me, you’ll know. You’ll smell him before you see him.”
I sorta laughed and thought she was just making a snarky comment. However, later that day, I was leaving the office to head out to the elevators. I opened the door to the office and before I even walked out into the hall, I was practically knocked out by the overwhelming, heinous smell of cheap cologne. At that moment, I knew her husband was standing in the hallway. I definitely smelled him before I saw him. It took us over a week to get rid of the smell of his cologne in the offices.
So, why did I tell you this story? It’s because I want to talk about God, free-will, love, and hell. Quite the combination, huh? I shared this story with you to illustrate a point about being forced to love someone. Whenever we are forced to love someone, it’s never true love and usually it leaves us bitter and unhappy. True, authentic love is given freely and out of a great desire to want to love that someone. Thank God, He gave us the free-will to choose to love Him or not. Honestly, we can’t be forced to love anything, because that goes against the definition of love. If it isn’t done out of free-will, it’s not really love.
When God created us, He loved us so much that He gave us that choice to love Him or not. He could have created us like robots, programmed to love him, but what’s the point? There isn’t one. Nobody wants to be loved just because something is programmed, required, or forced to love you. It would mean nothing. However, a popular thing to say this day and age is “I can’t believe in God because I can’t believe in a so- called “loving god” that would send people to hell.”
First, you have to understand what hell is. Hell is complete separation from God. The Catechism of the Catholic Church defines hell as: The state of definitive self-exclusion from communion with God and the blessed. (CCC 1033)
Did you catch that? Self-exclusion. The Catechism goes on to say one goes to hell in the “willful turning away from God (a mortal sin) and persistence in it until the end” (CCC 1037). It is not God that “sends” us to hell rather it is us who chooses to go there, because of a desire to be separated from God. God is all good and therefore a complete separation from Him would be removal from all that is good. That’s hell. There is no goodness to be found there. As Catholic apologist, Trent Horn, points out in his booklet Death and Judgment, “hell is not something God created for the purpose of arbitrarily punishing people. Instead, humans created hell through sinful choices that separated them from God.”
In this earthly life, we all have a chance (until we die) to reconcile ourselves to Him. In this life, one may choose to turn from God, but because they haven’t died yet they still have that opportunity to desire to unite with God. Those who deny God here on earth have not yet completely separated themselves from all that is good, because they live in His created world. They can still experience God (though they may not realize it) through beauty, truth, and goodness. However, when we die, that’s when the judgment happens.
C.S. Lewis summed it up this way: “There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, ‘Thy will be done,’ and those to whom God says, in the end, ‘Thy will be done.’ All that are in hell, …
The post It Is Up To Us Where We Spend Eternity appeared first on .
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When I first moved to Dayton, Ohio back in 2002, I was fresh out of college and eager to get into the workforce. I ended up working for some defense attorneys doing a job that was humbling, to say the least. I thought I was going to train to be a type of paralegal; I ended up being a gofer. Anyway…
A lot of people getting divorced came through their offices. One day, I walked into the conference room and there was this beautiful Middle Eastern women sitting at the table all alone. She was a little older than me and strikingly gorgeous, but she had a very sad look in her eyes. I sat in the room with her for awhile, just the two of us, as I was helping her fill out some paperwork. The room was very quiet and then all of a sudden she said to me, “Do you know what it’s like to be married to a man who makes your skin crawl?”
I was pretty newly married at that time and my husband has never made my skin crawl…not ever. So, I said quietly, “No, I don’t. Is that why you are getting divorced?”
She said, “When I was thirteen years old, I was forced to marry my much older cousin. Can you imagine having to marry your old, nasty cousin? Can you imagine being forced to try and love him? I have never once loved him and, yet, I have children with him. Can you imagine that? Having to sleep with a man who is related to you? In my country, I could not divorce him or I would suffer greatly. But, we moved to America and I just can’t stay married to him anymore. I want to marry someone who I love because I want to love them.”
I honestly had no idea what to say. At 22 years of age, I had never met a person with this kind of life and, thankfully, I couldn’t relate. I think I mumbled out “I’m so sorry.” She finished signing the paperwork and got up to leave.
“My husband will be here later today to sign his paperwork. Watch out for him. He loves to harass women.”
“Okay, how will I know it’s your husband?”
She said, “Trust me, you’ll know. You’ll smell him before you see him.”
I sorta laughed and thought she was just making a snarky comment. However, later that day, I was leaving the office to head out to the elevators. I opened the door to the office and before I even walked out into the hall, I was practically knocked out by the overwhelming, heinous smell of cheap cologne. At that moment, I knew her husband was standing in the hallway. I definitely smelled him before I saw him. It took us over a week to get rid of the smell of his cologne in the offices.
So, why did I tell you this story? It’s because I want to talk about God, free-will, love, and hell. Quite the combination, huh? I shared this story with you to illustrate a point about being forced to love someone. Whenever we are forced to love someone, it’s never true love and usually it leaves us bitter and unhappy. True, authentic love is given freely and out of a great desire to want to love that someone. Thank God, He gave us the free-will to choose to love Him or not. Honestly, we can’t be forced to love anything, because that goes against the definition of love. If it isn’t done out of free-will, it’s not really love.
When God created us, He loved us so much that He gave us that choice to love Him or not. He could have created us like robots, programmed to love him, but what’s the point? There isn’t one. Nobody wants to be loved just because something is programmed, required, or forced to love you. It would mean nothing. However, a popular thing to say this day and age is “I can’t believe in God because I can’t believe in a so- called “loving god” that would send people to hell.”
First, you have to understand what hell is. Hell is complete separation from God. The Catechism of the Catholic Church defines hell as: The state of definitive self-exclusion from communion with God and the blessed. (CCC 1033)
Did you catch that? Self-exclusion. The Catechism goes on to say one goes to hell in the “willful turning away from God (a mortal sin) and persistence in it until the end” (CCC 1037). It is not God that “sends” us to hell rather it is us who chooses to go there, because of a desire to be separated from God. God is all good and therefore a complete separation from Him would be removal from all that is good. That’s hell. There is no goodness to be found there. As Catholic apologist, Trent Horn, points out in his booklet Death and Judgment, “hell is not something God created for the purpose of arbitrarily punishing people. Instead, humans created hell through sinful choices that separated them from God.”
In this earthly life, we all have a chance (until we die) to reconcile ourselves to Him. In this life, one may choose to turn from God, but because they haven’t died yet they still have that opportunity to desire to unite with God. Those who deny God here on earth have not yet completely separated themselves from all that is good, because they live in His created world. They can still experience God (though they may not realize it) through beauty, truth, and goodness. However, when we die, that’s when the judgment happens.
C.S. Lewis summed it up this way: “There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, ‘Thy will be done,’ and those to whom God says, in the end, ‘Thy will be done.’ All that are in hell, …
The post It Is Up To Us Where We Spend Eternity appeared first on .
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The Featured Married Couple for August is my brother, Mike, and his wife, Kim. It’s their anniversary month, so it seemed a perfect time to feature them. As the big sister, I always wanted, of course, the best woman for my brother. I honestly could not have picked someone better than my sister-in-law, Kim. To know that she loves my brother the way she does, gives me great comfort and joy. When you meet them, you just know that they were meant to be together. Mike and Kim are such a beautiful, funny, loving couple. Not only are they life partners, they just recently became certified personal trainers and started a company called Lynx Fitness. Mike and Kim will be married nine years this month. They reside in beautiful Colorado with their two children. Please allow me to introduce to you to one of my favorite couples.
What did you do for your first date?
Kim–I think we ate Goodcents sandwiches and then went for a walk. Listen, I was in college and Michael was a journalist. We needed to keep it cheap! 🙂
Mike–We lived in the huge metropolis (not really) of Emporia, Kansas, at the time, so we had to be creative. Plus, she was still in college and I was a young newspaper reporter, so money was tight. We ate dinner at Mr. Goodcents, which is a sandwich shop in the Midwest (think Subway, but way better). This particular Mr. Goodcents was a part of the Emporia Family Fun Center – I kid you not – so after we ate, we played a round of mini golf next to the mini go-kart track. Ha! After that, being that there wasn’t much else to do in Emporia, we went for a walk and then sat on the steps of her apartment complex and just talked for quite a while. While our first date was nothing fancy, it was memorable. Kim and I are not overly complicated people, and to this day, some of our favorite dates have been just going to a coffee shop and talking, much like we did on that first date.
Kim, what initially attracted you to Mike?
I was initially attracted to his honesty and goodness. Michael is a very sincere person. Also, I remember being impressed by the way he drove. I know, weird right? But, he wasn’t reckless in the least and I felt safe and cared for because of it. Seems small, but it stuck with me.
Mike, what initially attracted you to Kim?
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Kim–Because I had seen so few happy marriages growing up, I thought mine would be filled with contempt, or at least annoyance. I didn’t realize that people could actually like each other in marriage. I have been genuinely surprised at the joy in my marriage. It hasn’t faded away and we haven’t found ourselves just putting up with each other. I like my husband a lot. I find him funny and kind and smart and I am not inclined to speak about him or our marriage as if it is a burden I must bear.
Mike–For Kim and me, it’s been most surprising just how fast it has gone, and how much life we have already lived together in our nine years of marriage. Marriage has not been a struggle. It’s just crazy to look back over the last nine years and think about where we started and where we are today. I’d also say it’s been surprising to figure out the things in our lives that we are both passionate about. Coffee, our vacation getaway in North Carolina, fitness, sushi. Kim and I have a lot of interests individually that overlap, but it’s also surprising in a way to see how those overlapping interest grow over time. For instance, Kim used to not like coffee at all, and now, she’s the master of coffee-making at our house. Haha!
What has been one of the hardest things about marriage, in your opinion?
Kim–The hardest thing about marriage has been staying connected in seasons of inner pain and turmoil. There was a time in our marriage when both of us were struggling separately and we found it difficult to love one another well because we were preoccupied with our own pain. We have a better game plan, should we find ourselves in another dark season, but those times are just very hard.
Mike–I don’t know that this is necessarily “hard,” but it is something to consider. As you get farther along in your marriage, your personalities change, as do your individual goals and your goals as a family. We’ve spent a lot of time moving in the nine years we’ve been married, and there are studies that say your personality is a reflection of the five closest people around you. Because we’ve been around so many people and changed locations so often, our personalities have definitely changed over the years. Not that it’s been a bad thing. Not at all. Kim is far more out-going, outspoken and bold than she was when we first got married, for instance. I would say I’m more introverted than I was when we first got married. So I would say this: The person you marry is often not the same person 3,
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]]>The Featured Married Couple for August is my brother, Mike, and his wife, Kim. It’s their anniversary month, so it seemed a perfect time to feature them. As the big sister, I always wanted, of course, the best woman for my brother. I honestly could not have picked someone better than my sister-in-law, Kim. To know that she loves my brother the way she does, gives me great comfort and joy. When you meet them, you just know that they were meant to be together. Mike and Kim are such a beautiful, funny, loving couple. Not only are they life partners, they just recently became certified personal trainers and started a company called Lynx Fitness. Mike and Kim will be married nine years this month. They reside in beautiful Colorado with their two children. Please allow me to introduce to you to one of my favorite couples.
What did you do for your first date?
Kim–I think we ate Goodcents sandwiches and then went for a walk. Listen, I was in college and Michael was a journalist. We needed to keep it cheap! 
Mike–We lived in the huge metropolis (not really) of Emporia, Kansas, at the time, so we had to be creative. Plus, she was still in college and I was a young newspaper reporter, so money was tight. We ate dinner at Mr. Goodcents, which is a sandwich shop in the Midwest (think Subway, but way better). This particular Mr. Goodcents was a part of the Emporia Family Fun Center – I kid you not – so after we ate, we played a round of mini golf next to the mini go-kart track. Ha! After that, being that there wasn’t much else to do in Emporia, we went for a walk and then sat on the steps of her apartment complex and just talked for quite a while. While our first date was nothing fancy, it was memorable. Kim and I are not overly complicated people, and to this day, some of our favorite dates have been just going to a coffee shop and talking, much like we did on that first date.
Kim, what initially attracted you to Mike?
I was initially attracted to his honesty and goodness. Michael is a very sincere person. Also, I remember being impressed by the way he drove. I know, weird right? But, he wasn’t reckless in the least and I felt safe and cared for because of it. Seems small, but it stuck with me.
Mike, what initially attracted you to Kim?
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Kim–Because I had seen so few happy marriages growing up, I thought mine would be filled with contempt, or at least annoyance. I didn’t realize that people could actually like each other in marriage. I have been genuinely surprised at the joy in my marriage. It hasn’t faded away and we haven’t found ourselves just putting up with each other. I like my husband a lot. I find him funny and kind and smart and I am not inclined to speak about him or our marriage as if it is a burden I must bear.
Mike–For Kim and me, it’s been most surprising just how fast it has gone, and how much life we have already lived together in our nine years of marriage. Marriage has not been a struggle. It’s just crazy to look back over the last nine years and think about where we started and where we are today. I’d also say it’s been surprising to figure out the things in our lives that we are both passionate about. Coffee, our vacation getaway in North Carolina, fitness, sushi. Kim and I have a lot of interests individually that overlap, but it’s also surprising in a way to see how those overlapping interest grow over time. For instance, Kim used to not like coffee at all, and now, she’s the master of coffee-making at our house. Haha!
What has been one of the hardest things about marriage, in your opinion?
Kim–The hardest thing about marriage has been staying connected in seasons of inner pain and turmoil. There was a time in our marriage when both of us were struggling separately and we found it difficult to love one another well because we were preoccupied with our own pain. We have a better game plan, should we find ourselves in another dark season, but those times are just very hard.
Mike–I don’t know that this is necessarily “hard,” but it is something to consider. As you get farther along in your marriage, your personalities change, as do your individual goals and your goals as a family. We’ve spent a lot of time moving in the nine years we’ve been married, and there are studies that say your personality is a reflection of the five closest people around you. Because we’ve been around so many people and changed locations so often, our personalities have definitely changed over the years. Not that it’s been a bad thing. Not at all. Kim is far more out-going, outspoken and bold than she was when we first got married, for instance. I would say I’m more introverted than I was when we first got married. So I would say this: The person you marry is often not the same person 3,
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I was a hard-core criminal when I was six-years old. Hard to believe, I know, but it’s true. I was on my way to a life of thievery.
“Oh, come on, Amy. What did you steal? A lollipop at the grocery store?”
No, ladies purses were more my thing. Initially, I got caught a couple of times stealing toys from our church. How low can you get? Afterward, my parents reprimanded me and attempted to impress upon me how stealing was wrong. But, I didn’t really care. I wanted what I wanted. So, I moved on to a bigger, more serious item, like a woman’s purse. While at a friend’s house, I saw the mom take a tube of lipstick out of her purse, and I decided that the purse would soon be mine. Somehow (I don’t remember how) I relieved the owner of her purse. I knew it was wrong. I remember thinking that it was wrong, but my desire for the purse and the things inside outweighed my Jimmy-Cricket conscience.
I hid it under my Smurf 3-wheeler. This was not an ideal hiding spot. Hardly inconspicuous, I know, but give me a break. I was six.
Not surprisingly, my mom found it and I immediately saw the disappointment in her eyes. Here I was, yet again, stealing stuff. The fact that I hid it proved that I knew I did wrong. When my dad came home, she told on me. Calmly, my dad told me to go get in the car. I had no idea what I was in for, but I remember being somewhat nervous about his calm disposition. Shouldn’t he be yelling at me? Shouldn’t he be disciplining me? A car-ride? I was confused.
I got in the passenger seat and my dad started driving. I asked him where we were going. Again, calmly, he said, “I’m taking you to the police station and you are going to turn yourself in.”
At those words, I…freaked…out. Tears immediately sprang from my eyes. I begged. I pleaded. I promised him I would never do it again. He simply said, “Amy, your mother and I have already punished you and told you that stealing is wrong. You obviously did not want to listen and I can’t let you go on stealing. People who steal in life get caught by the police and go to jail. This is what happens when you steal.”
He pulled in front of the police station and said, “Go and turn yourself in.”
“Please no, Daddy! I promise I won’t do it again!” I begged.
“Amy, go into the police station and turn yourself in.” I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was not kidding. He wasn’t yelling or screaming at me, but he was firm and resolute. I slowly opened the car door and, sobbing, walked up to the door of the police station. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to go to jail, that jail was not the place for me. Right before I opened the door, my dad got out of the car and halted my confession. He knelt down to look me in the eye and proceeded to explain that this behavior had to stop. I realized in that moment that jail was the consequence for stealing and I WAS NOT comfortable with it AT ALL. After a good long talk, he hugged me, told me he loved me, and we got back in the car and went home. I had to take the purse back to it’s owner and apologize for stealing it, which was humiliating, as well. After that day, I never stole another thing in my life.
Some of you may be gasping in horror at the perceived atrocity of what my father did. After all, I was only six. But, let me assure you, I have never required therapy for this punishment, I don’t hate my father, and I’m a pretty well-rounded human being. I am grateful to my dad did for what he did. I understand that he did it out of love for me.
Love? Love, you say? I know many people would find this act of punishment far from loving. Here in lies the problem. We have confused love to mean total tolerance, acceptance, and appeasement. My dad will tell you to this day, that punishing me like that was immensely difficult and he hated doing it, but he knew he had to find some way to wake me up and purge me of this behavior. Other punishments were not working. My dad simply loved me too much to tolerate or accept this behavior.
That is what real, honest-to-goodness love does–it does what is right, not what is just pleasurable. This is another problem we are facing in our world. We believe good=pleasure and pain=evil. This is a fallacy, but one that is causing lots of problems. If I really and truly love someone, I want them to be the best person they can be. I’m not very loving if I encourage, deny, or ignore aspects of their life or behavior that is bad for them or others. My dad allowed me to go through some suffering in order to eradicate potentially devastating, future suffering. You could argue that I would have outgrown it with age and maturity, but once a habit is established it is very difficult to break. As Barney Fife would say, “Nip it, nip it in the bud.” Why would you wait to correct something that could be potentially harmful, destructive, or negatively habitual?
What is good is not always pleasurable. Christ committed the greatest good every known, but not one bit of it was pleasurable. He did it because of His love for us. We discipline our children, not because it is pleasurable for either them or us, but because it is right and good. I may even let my children experience some suffering in order to teach them a lesson that is for …
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I was a hard-core criminal when I was six-years old. Hard to believe, I know, but it’s true. I was on my way to a life of thievery.
“Oh, come on, Amy. What did you steal? A lollipop at the grocery store?”
No, ladies purses were more my thing. Initially, I got caught a couple of times stealing toys from our church. How low can you get? Afterward, my parents reprimanded me and attempted to impress upon me how stealing was wrong. But, I didn’t really care. I wanted what I wanted. So, I moved on to a bigger, more serious item, like a woman’s purse. While at a friend’s house, I saw the mom take a tube of lipstick out of her purse, and I decided that the purse would soon be mine. Somehow (I don’t remember how) I relieved the owner of her purse. I knew it was wrong. I remember thinking that it was wrong, but my desire for the purse and the things inside outweighed my Jimmy-Cricket conscience.
I hid it under my Smurf 3-wheeler. This was not an ideal hiding spot. Hardly inconspicuous, I know, but give me a break. I was six.
Not surprisingly, my mom found it and I immediately saw the disappointment in her eyes. Here I was, yet again, stealing stuff. The fact that I hid it proved that I knew I did wrong. When my dad came home, she told on me. Calmly, my dad told me to go get in the car. I had no idea what I was in for, but I remember being somewhat nervous about his calm disposition. Shouldn’t he be yelling at me? Shouldn’t he be disciplining me? A car-ride? I was confused.
I got in the passenger seat and my dad started driving. I asked him where we were going. Again, calmly, he said, “I’m taking you to the police station and you are going to turn yourself in.”
At those words, I…freaked…out. Tears immediately sprang from my eyes. I begged. I pleaded. I promised him I would never do it again. He simply said, “Amy, your mother and I have already punished you and told you that stealing is wrong. You obviously did not want to listen and I can’t let you go on stealing. People who steal in life get caught by the police and go to jail. This is what happens when you steal.”
He pulled in front of the police station and said, “Go and turn yourself in.”
“Please no, Daddy! I promise I won’t do it again!” I begged.
“Amy, go into the police station and turn yourself in.” I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was not kidding. He wasn’t yelling or screaming at me, but he was firm and resolute. I slowly opened the car door and, sobbing, walked up to the door of the police station. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to go to jail, that jail was not the place for me. Right before I opened the door, my dad got out of the car and halted my confession. He knelt down to look me in the eye and proceeded to explain that this behavior had to stop. I realized in that moment that jail was the consequence for stealing and I WAS NOT comfortable with it AT ALL. After a good long talk, he hugged me, told me he loved me, and we got back in the car and went home. I had to take the purse back to it’s owner and apologize for stealing it, which was humiliating, as well. After that day, I never stole another thing in my life.
Some of you may be gasping in horror at the perceived atrocity of what my father did. After all, I was only six. But, let me assure you, I have never required therapy for this punishment, I don’t hate my father, and I’m a pretty well-rounded human being. I am grateful to my dad did for what he did. I understand that he did it out of love for me.
Love? Love, you say? I know many people would find this act of punishment far from loving. Here in lies the problem. We have confused love to mean total tolerance, acceptance, and appeasement. My dad will tell you to this day, that punishing me like that was immensely difficult and he hated doing it, but he knew he had to find some way to wake me up and purge me of this behavior. Other punishments were not working. My dad simply loved me too much to tolerate or accept this behavior.
That is what real, honest-to-goodness love does–it does what is right, not what is just pleasurable. This is another problem we are facing in our world. We believe good=pleasure and pain=evil. This is a fallacy, but one that is causing lots of problems. If I really and truly love someone, I want them to be the best person they can be. I’m not very loving if I encourage, deny, or ignore aspects of their life or behavior that is bad for them or others. My dad allowed me to go through some suffering in order to eradicate potentially devastating, future suffering. You could argue that I would have outgrown it with age and maturity, but once a habit is established it is very difficult to break. As Barney Fife would say, “Nip it, nip it in the bud.” Why would you wait to correct something that could be potentially harmful, destructive, or negatively habitual?
What is good is not always pleasurable. Christ committed the greatest good every known, but not one bit of it was pleasurable. He did it because of His love for us. We discipline our children, not because it is pleasurable for either them or us, but because it is right and good. I may even let my children experience some suffering in order to teach them a lesson that is for …
The post Saved Through Tough Love appeared first on .
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