Ahhhh, yeah. This is gonna be a tough one to write. God has recently held up a mirror in front of me. Not a mirror to check and see if my hair looks good, but a mirror to see something way more important. But first, let me set the stage.
Have you ever seen the movie “The Never-Ending Story?” Of course you have, because if you haven’t you wouldn’t really be human. If you haven’t, stop reading, and go watch it. You need to because it will make this blog more clear. Mostly, though, go watch it because if you haven’t you’ll be weird for the rest of your life.
Anyway, there is a scene in that story where the main character, Atreyu, has to face a mirror. Atreyu is on a quest and he has to face himself–his true self–before he can advance on his quest. Most men that face the mirror die in horror or run away screaming at who they truly are–the real them. Atreyu, however, is able to pass through the mirror, because he has the courage to see himself for who he truly is. When I was a kid, I thought it was just a really cool part of the movie, kinda scary, but mostly very cool. Now that I’m an adult, I see it as a very spiritual part of the movie.
I’ve recently had to face my mirror and it has been difficult to accept. A few weeks back I wrote a blog about how I couldn’t forgive my best friend in high school. Upon completion of that blog, I sat reflecting a lot on my life and I started to notice a very sad fact about myself. That fact being that my friend in high school wasn’t the first friend I pridefully removed from my life, nor was she the last. In fact, there is a long string of friends that I have had in my life that I have left in the dust because of my ego and pride. It’s very humiliating, but, sadly, true.
My dearest friend from childhood, I neglected and ignored during high school.
The first real friend I made at college, who later became a roommate, I completely alienated for a period of time. She had some hard things happen to her and instead of being a comfort and a compassionate friend, I screamed and yelled at her. I left her at a very crucial time in her life, which is shameful.
My best buddy in ROTC, I threw out of my life because of a stupid, senseless fight we had over Spring Break.
During college I reconnected with a girl that I had been friends with as a small child. We had a Bible study together and one day, she gently tried to open my eyes to the unChristian way I was interacting with my boyfriend. Instead of listening and seeing her as a true friend, I brushed her aside and didn’t really want anything to do with her after that. I mean, how dare she point out my flaws?
A dear friend that was with me in marching band in college, I ruthlessly removed from my life, because…well…I don’t even know why. I broke her heart and probably left her with a million questions.
Even my own sister has experienced this side of me. I didn’t remove her from my life, but I did lash out in a completely unhelpful and unsisterly way.
I can’t tell you how difficult it is to read these words and know that they are all my actions. Facing the reality of who I’ve been and how I have mercilessly brought the hammer down on so many people is almost unbearable to realize. I have been a Pharisee. I have read those stories in the Bible a hundred times, listening to Jesus’ words, yet those words have not truly sunk in, until now.
Some of the people above that I listed had done some things that I disagreed with. Some of them had done things that were even hurtful to me. Apparently, though, I have an inability to show mercy. I see now, that for me, when someone has crossed a certain line, I just scream, yell, chastise, and remove. I loom over them with my wagging finger and offer no compassion, mercy, or tenderness. As Christians, we are supposed to admonish the sinner, yes, but in love–in love. Lord have mercy, I have never done this. I have only seen myself as a righteous person better than others and I’m sick at the wake of pain I have caused.
A lot of the ladies I mentioned above, I have apologized to, but in a way our relationship never truly and fully recovered. Some of them never recovered at all. And some, regretfully, I have not been able to apologize to, because I don’t know where they are. The crazy thing is, is that I have obviously reached out and apologized to some of these ladies, so I on some level understood that I did wrong. However, I never looked at these actions collectively. I always saw them as individual, isolated incidents and not a repeated pattern of behavior on my part. This is what has shocked me and left me dismayed.
So, I’ve faced my mirror. I’m sure there will be more. Yet, in God’s grace and mercy I faced it at this point in my life, because I think God knew I would be able to stand there and accept it…and, most importantly, want to change it. This truth about me hurts, but I cannot deny it any longer and to do so would never make me a better person. Pope Francis has declared this year a Jubilee Year of Mercy and, all of sudden, for me it means two very important things.
- I have got to learn to show mercy to those closest to me. When looking at myself, I noticed that I tend to have mercy for those far removed from myself. But those closest, I have little to no ability to show mercy. I need to learn that if I’m gonna call someone out on something that I need to walk alongside them as I try to help them. I need to compassionately join them in their journey; not just ruthlessly point out the bad thing and then leave them friendless and confused. Christ walks alongside us in our journey and I see now that I desperately need to work on that in myself.
- I could wallow in this news about myself, but I don’t want to do that. Christ has shown me mercy and brought to my knowledge this part of myself that I need to fix. He showed me in a way I could receive it and for that I’m thankful. In His mercy, I know that if I just ask, He will forgive me for all these moments and I want forgiveness for them. I didn’t treat another as I would want to be treated. He has also shown mercy by not allowing this negative part of me to continue on. I have been praying earnestly lately that God would help me to be better and show me the ways that I can be more Christ-like. Mercifully, He answered my prayer. I’m so thankful, because I don’t want to hurt anyone else like this. I don’t want to continue on this way and now I know that it is something I can work on.
May we all find a way to face our mirrors. It ain’t pretty sometimes, a little terrifying, and usually unpleasant. However, if we face it we can pass on to a better version of ourselves. The pain of the knowledge of who we have become is difficult, but we must understand that usually without pain there can be no growth. Most importantly, always be assured that Christ is willing and ready to guide us through that journey.
