Growing up, I was always a good student. From the time that I was five-years-old, I had been making plans to attend Kansas State University. You may think I was a tad young to really have a dream like that, but it’s true. My dad attended Kansas State when I was a little girl and often times he brought me with him on campus. He was just a young dad with his 5-year old daughter tagging along beside him. Goodness, those were some wonderful memories. I loved being on campus with him and I distinctly remember the exact place where I promised myself that one day I would become a Kansas State student just like him.
Flash forward to my high school days and that dream was ever on my mind. I knew that college was expensive, which meant that I needed to work hard to keep my grades up so that, hopefully, I could get scholarships. I liked school, too, so it wasn’t that difficult for me to keep my mind focused on homework, sports, and my dream. My parents never pressured me to get certain grades, but they did always ask me to give my best and I tried very hard.
Well, all that hard work paid off. I graduated valedictorian and I anxiously awaited for applied-for scholarships to come in that would help me get to K-State. As it would turn out, I was awarded only two scholarships: A 500 dollar one from the local Kiwanis Club and the other was a full scholarship to Kansas City Kansas Community College. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. My parents had always told me that paying for college was my responsibility, which I completely understood as right and fair. I had worked since I was fifteen and had put money away in savings with the hopes that it would be my spending money at college. One 500 dollar scholarship was not enough to help me pay for college and it looked like I was going to have to accept the community college offer. There is nothing wrong with community college and I see all the benefits of it, but for a girl that had worked every day to make a dream come true, only to see it disappear before her eyes, it was a less than desirable choice. My heartbreak was very real and painful.
That summer before college started, I was just going through the motions. I felt like someone had sucked the life right out of me. Yet, I still enrolled for my community college courses and I went and got all my books. I tried hard to make myself excited.
When my dad saw that there weren’t many scholarships coming in and that my heart was broken, he secretly sat down at a computer and composed the most important letter of my life. As an alumnus of Kansas State, he wrote to the president of his alma mater and explained my story. He mostly just shared how much I had worked and struggled to make it into Kansas State Unversity but that my dream would not be a reality. He closed the letter very respectfully and set it off without my knowledge.
Weeks later, I was at home and, to my complete surprise, I received a call from the Dean of Student Life at Kansas State. As my hand gripped the phone, he shared with me that the president and he had reviewed my dad’s letter and they had a scholarship to offer me. I was speechless. He invited my dad and me to drive over to Kansas State and meet with them so that I could get caught up on enrollment and all the other ends and outs. When I hung up the phone, my heart felt like it was going to burst, but at the same time, as light as a feather.
My dad and I drove over and when we meet the president of Kansas State, he warmly gave us both a big bear hug and shared with us the good news of the financial aid I was going to receive. It didn’t cover everything, but it was enough to significantly help. The Dean of Student Life was supremely helpful and got me all squared away. He asked if I needed a tour of campus to learn where things were, but I politely declined. No, I knew this campus in and out–I’d walked it as a kid with my dad and many, many times after that. A week later, I received my welcome letter from the marching band and not long after that, my dream that I had worked so hard for came true.
I still have that letter that my dad wrote to our alma mater. Each time I read it my heart swells with gratitude for what my dad did. He saw that I had done everything in my power to make my dream come alive but some things were just out of my control. So, like a good father, he stepped in and gave me a boost. He advocated for me and gave me the support I needed.
As most of you all have heard by now, the College Admission Scandal has shocked many around the nation. If you are unaware, I’ll try to quickly summarize. Basically, a significant amount of wealthy parents were caught and arrested for buying their kids’ ways into prestigious colleges. They paid off coaches, proctors, and administrators to make their kids look more accomplished than they really were so that they looked good on entrance packages. They paid off proctors of SAT and ACT tests. The proctors allowed other people to come in and take the test for the rich parent’s kid and get a high score or they paid for scores to be fixed to reflect a high score.
When I learned about this scam with all its lies and deceit, I was righteously angry. Some poor teen out there was denied access to their dream school all because some wealthy parents paid for their kids to “jump to the head of the line.” There are a few reasons that I can come up with for the crime these parents committed. 1. They are trying to buy their kid’s happiness and 2. It’s a status thing. Neither is a good reason. Maybe there’s other reasons, but bribery is seldom seen as a virtuous act.
Truth is, you can’t buy happiness for your kid. Your intention may be as good as gold, but it’s still a bad practice. When you don’t have to work for something, you never appreciate it the way you would have had you put in the time, sweat, and tears. These parents were trying to buy a sense of accomplishment for their children, but you can’t buy accomplishment. Sure, your kid may think it’s cool to get this or that or to go to some Ivy League school, but if they don’t fight for it, they will never taste the sweetness of victory–true, hard-earned victory. Honestly, you can’t really be happy when you never have to work for anything. You take things for granted and it’s difficult to appreciate things you don’t earn by your own merit.
In my college story, I had done the hard work, but I needed a little help from my dad. That’s what parents should do. He didn’t bail me out and take out a loan himself to help me pay, but he supported me in a way that still gave credit to the work I did. I still had to take out some loan money. I still had to work while going to college. My dad just helped crack the door for me, but it was up to me to keep the scholarship, work for money, and find my way at school. When I earned my diploma four years later, I was proud that I had worked so hard. I was genuinely happy because I had earned it and nobody just gave it to me. That sense of accomplishment and confidence cannot be bought, it must be fought for in the ring of life. I feel sorry that these wealthy parents denied their children the opportunity to know that feeling, at least when it comes to college.
As parents, it’s hard to know sometimes when to swoop in and save the day or when to just throw out a life-preserver. Kids need to learn failure and disappointment. They need to be allowed to grow an appetite for accomplishment and hard-work. The saddest message I think these parents sent to their children is this: “I don’t think you can do this on your own, so I’ll buy what looks like a perfect life for you. Hopefully, you’ll be happy with the appearance of being successful.”
What kids need most and what will make them the happiest is time, attention, support, care, guidance, and love. No matter how much money you have or how little, those things are always free to give.
