When I first started dating, I had romantic notions in my 16-year old head. My first boyfriend had pursued me for years and when I finally relented to him and opened up my heart, I was sure that he would guard it.
That didn’t happen.
Our relationship was a tortured, twisted one. I was constantly trying to find ways to win his love and he was constantly trying to find ways to break me down into a weeping puddle. I thought if I could just be flirty enough, pretty enough, or cool enough that it would win his affection back. All those years when he had pursued me, he had showered me with attention and affection. Once he could call me his girlfriend, all that stopped. It was so confusing to my young mind. I could not fathom what I had done to lose his adoration. I bent over backwards determined to become what I thought he wanted, yet nothing ever worked.
At his hands, I suffered physical and emotional abuse. The pain of the emotional abuse has stuck with me the longest–I still feel the ramifications of it to this day. I doubt my worth and my lovability. I sometimes struggle to believe my husband could really possibly want or desire me. He always assures me he does but the wounds of a past boyfriend treating me like I was nothing still run deep.
After my first boyfriend and I ended our relationship, the second boyfriend came along and he was worse. With my self-esteem tanked, I was incapable of making wise decisions about boys. I didn’t choose the second boyfriend because I liked him, but more because he showed me attention and I felt that was a sign that I was worth something. Yet, he sunk me even lower than the first boyfriend. At his hands, on a dark fall night near a railroad track, I was sexually assaulted by three guys, one of them being my boyfriend.
I hated all of them. Hated them with every fiber of my being. I struggled to like myself, as well, because I blamed myself for everything. I stupidly stayed with my first boyfriend too long and I knew the second one was not a good person at all. If only I had done things differently. My rage-filled mind wished to see them suffer and I wanted revenge, but my brokenness left me lost and hurting. I managed to put on a good face to the world, but I was at a loss on how to heal all the pain I was stuffing down.
During this time, my anger at God for allowing all these bad things to happen caused me to turn away from Him. I vowed to figure everything out all on my own and there was one thing I knew I would never do: F
As years went on and I clung to my hatred of them, bitterness clamped over my heart. I was easily angered, I snapped at people constantly, and I didn’t feel any joy. Sure, I felt moments of happiness, but it wouldn’t be long before tortured memories of them would surface in my mind and I would seethe with hatred.
At the beginning of this year, one of my followers asked me to write about how to find joy and for the past several months, I’ve been writing one blog a month on the topic. I’ve written on being grateful and learning to not be offended by every little thing. This month is about forgiveness.
Once I met the man who was to become my husband, I knew that I had to deal with all my anger and pain. I wanted to be better for him. I realized that withholding forgiveness from my past boyfriends was eating me up, but I didn’t know how to forgive them. I was mistaken in thinking that forgiveness would come when I could forget what they had done, but that’s a silly notion. I will never forget and that’s not a pre-requisite to forgiveness. How could you possibly forgive something that you’ve forgotten ever happened? God can forget our forgiven sins, but, as humans, that’s not possible for us. You can’t and you won’t forget major hurts. I realized that I needed help.
You cannot be truly joyful if you refuse to forgive. I know and it’s impossible. There have been several people in my life who, for years, I denied forgiveness and it never made me a better person. In fact, it brought out the worst in me.
Though I had turned my back on God, I knew I needed to turn back because forgiving them was going to require more strength than I felt I had in me. So, I took all the trash bags full of rage, anger, and unforgiveness and I laid them at Christ’s feet and I told Him, “I cannot deal with this anymore. I’m bringing it to you because I don’t know what to do.”
In the deepest parts of my soul, I felt Christ say, “Let me take this from you and I will show you how to forgive.” I still cry when I think about this time. Miraculously, I said back to Christ, “Okay.”
I still remember the feeling of relief when I gave all the pain to God. It was like the iron clamp around my chest was removed and I could breathe again. I didn’t learn to forgive overnight, but step-by-step Christ showed me the way. With His help, I forgave my two boyfriends and I have the ability to pray for them. Back as my 17-year old self, I would never have thought it possible, but with God, all things are possible.
Through lots of prayers, I finally came to understand a few things about forgiveness. One is that forgiving doesn’t mean condoning the hurtful actions. Christ, when He offers us forgiveness, isn’t condoning our actions. Too often, we think that if we offer forgiveness this, in turn, means that we must be totally fine with the hurtful words or actions of the one we need to forgive. That’s not true. I, also, learned that offering forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to then be best buddies with the person I’m forgiving. I can offer forgiveness, but it may still be prudent to keep them out of my life.
What hit me the hardest is knowing that Christ didn’t say to all of us, “You don’t deserve my forgiveness.” Even though it was all our betrayal and sin that nailed Him to the cross, He still offers forgiveness. I’m so grateful that Christ forgives me even when I may not deserve it. I can’t then turn around and say to someone else that they don’t deserve it from me. In my quest back to God, I saw that denying forgiveness was zapping all my joy. I was kidding myself in thinking that I was somehow really sticking it to my boyfriends by denying it. Honestly, I was only hurting myself over and over. I was reliving the pain of all the abuse that they put me through every time I clung to my hatred. Truth was, is that they didn’t even know and probably didn’t even care. Years after the abuse, I was still allowing them power over me through the bitterness blocking joy in my life.
When I finally gave it to God and relinquished what I thought was my right to justice and vengeance, my world changed. The sun came out in my life again and joy–not just temporary happiness–real joy became a possibility. The hard truth is that joy and hatred can’t coincide together in your soul. One will take over the other and snuff it out. I totally get the inclination to not want to forgive someone that has hurt you deeply. I completely and utterly get it. For me, sometimes it felt like it was all I had–meaning, my hatred. It really is no way to live, though.
I think back on the two of them now mostly with a deep sadness. I found peace in my life and who knows if they did. Christ showed me that I could take all that abuse and all the pain and turn it into something good for my life. I could never have done it without His help. I used to daydream about them coming up to me and begging for my forgiveness. Always in my dreams, I would deny it. I don’t dream that dream anymore; I don’t need that to happen in order for me to be okay. I trust that God will handle it in His way. I may still have the scars of the past, but they are tough scars and they taught me some valuable lessons.
Ask God to show you the path to forgiving those that have wounded you, Catholic Pilgrims. I know how hard it is, but if you seek joy in your life, it’s something you must do with a sincere heart.
3 responses to “You Don’t Deserve My Forgiveness”
You are not alone. So many women of our generation are going through similar thoughts, feelings, issues as a result of similar circumstances. Any woman would react as you did with feelings of outrage to be treated in a manner that was no less than criminal by someone who had posed as a friend and protector. Their behavior was shameful. One pastor told me that while we can stand ready to forgive, we cannot forgive a person until he acknowledges the debt he owes us, which is why the Lord said, “If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him…” Your attackers have not come to you in repentance. That does not mean you would be entitled to entertain malicious thoughts about them. It simply means that if forgiveness is a decision not to require the retribution that you are owed by right, then you can make the decision to forego what you are owed, without reference to the justifiable feelings of outrage that you experienced. Thanks be to God that you have found peace.
Thank you for your supportive thoughts. I would probably wait a lifetime if not more for them to ask for forgiveness and where I once desired so much for them to come and ask for it, I’ve found, I don’t need that from them anymore. Thank goodness.
“Everyone who does evil hates the light, and WILL NOT COME TO THE LIGHT…” You were wise to surrender your thoughts of revenge. God will know what to do with them.