My oldest will turn 16 in a few short months. She’ll be of dating age soon and while it does give me heart palpitations, I must trust in the fact that through the years I have prepared her to discern decent men. More often than not, when we send our teens–mostly our girls–out into the dating world, we give them a quick, five minute stern talking to about not getting mixed up with “bad boys.” Nobody ever clearly defines that for them, and so as soon as Mr. Smooth Moves waltzes in, they lose their hearts (sometimes their virginity) and are left with a trail of tears.

Sadly, with boys, about the only advice they get from parents about dating is “don’t get anyone pregnant.”  Brilliant.

Deciding who you are going to spend the rest of your life with is serious business and, yet, our culture treats dating as nonchalantly as picking out shoes. I’d wager that most people put more effort into their shoe choices than they do their dating choices. The problem is, is that we pick our dates usually based solely on whether or not we are attracted physically. We are controlled by our hearts and our groins and the mind is left in the corner to collect dust. We don’t do enough to prepare our teens for dating and to teach them how to discern a good date.

I dated bad boys. I don’t mean guys that just look the part with tattoos and cigarettes. No, I mean genuine bad boys. There were warning signs present in their behavior, but I completely ignored it, because, well, they showed interest, which was flattering. Through the years, I’ve talked with my daughters about different things to look for and I thought I’d share them with you. It is my hope that you speak with your kids. It’s imperative that you start before the night of their first date. This is a conversation that should happen often and early on in their tween years.

Overly-complimentary on looks

All the bad boys that I dated were obsessed with complimenting me on my looks. It was a non-stop onslaught of talk about my physical appearance and how “good I looked.” This lasted for awhile. Then it moved to talking about other girls’ looks in front of me, which made me doubt myself and question everything they had told me early on. I was so confused. I worked tirelessly to try and achieve the desired “look,” (whatever that was) in hopes that I would win their eyes back to me. It never worked.

When I met my husband, he did compliment me, but it wasn’t over-the-top. It also wasn’t the only thing he talked about. He wanted to know me, my story, who I was, my likes, dislikes, quirks, and passions. To this day, he has never disrespected me by gushing over another woman’s attractiveness. I know that in his eyes I am beautiful, but I also know that is not all he sees.

If pornography is part of his life, he should not be a part of yours

Our country has fooled itself into thinking that pornography is not bad. In fact, it says it’s healthy for boys, “’cause boys are hormonal and visual creatures.” This is a big lie and nothing will kill a relationship quicker than pornography. It is not a teenage girl’s job to save a boy from porn addiction. While many girls think that they can love their boyfriends enough to get them out of it, it just isn’t true.

Often times, girls think they have to compete with the women their boyfriend is viewing through pornography and can likely end up agreeing to things she should not agree to. Any person who objectifies another human for their own sexual pleasure is not dating material.  Period.

If he won’t meet Mom and Dad, no date

If a guy is not man enough to come and meet the parents of the girl he is interested in, he’s not serious about the relationship. If a teen boy is sincere in his interest, he will not be afraid to look Dad in the eyes, shake his hand, and speak with him in a honest and intelligent way. If the teen boy has all the wrong motives, he will not want to meet Dad, because he will know–KNOW–that Dad can sniff out his insincerity. It’s a good litmus test: If the boy won’t meet the parents, you know right away his motives are wrong and his interest is insincere.

And parents, don’t punk out on this. We spend YEARS of our children’s lives monitoring everybody they encounter and then when it comes to dating we just “don’t want to get involved.” Get involved. You don’t have to hover over them like a helicopter parent, but be engaged and watchful. I tell my girls all the time, “If your father doesn’t like a boy, trust your dad. He knows boys and your father will always have your best interest at heart.”

No ambition is dangerous territory

I explain to my girls that if a guy is content to spend the next twenty years playing video games at his parent’s house, walk away. If he has no goals, dreams, plans, or drive, he will frustrate the heck out of you and, in time, you will lose respect for him. Also, make sure his goals and plans are virtuous and purposeful.  Getting stuck with someone who is only after worldly success, at the expense of others, is not to be trusted either.

If he doesn’t will your good, he’s not for you

My husband tells my girls that if a boy is asking you to compromise your values, faith, or principles in anyway, he is not loving you. A guy who asks you to break commitments, promises, or virtues is not looking out for your best good, but for his own selfish interests.

This goes for married people, too. If your marriage is struggling …

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He swept into my life completely unexpected. I knew of him in high school, but we were about as different as you could get and barely acknowledged each other.

He was bad and that’s about the best description I know how to give.  Just bad. And not in that rough exterior, good interior kinda way. Bad.

He pursued me because he’d heard things and I believe that deep down, in his rotten heart, he was drawn to my goodness. I find that funny to say, but I think it’s true. I could be kidding myself, but I do think that I was unlike any girl he’d ever chased after before. Unfortunately, he didn’t have to chase me too hard. During the summer we met, he became friends with my ex-boyfriend, so, naturally, giving in to him felt like a bit of sweet revenge. I’d let the ex see me with him and the goal was to make him feel jealously and pain. Never go looking to seek revenge–it never works in your favor.

In many ways, when I look back on my time with him, it seems like I’m looking back on a movie. It just doesn’t feel like it really happened. This much time removed from it and it no longer feels real. I know it was, but the awfulness of it and the darkness that relationship caused are such a stark contrast from the rest of my life.

He said all the right things, pretended to be enamored with me, but it was all a game. A very well played game. I was unaware, but I became sucked into his life of badness. What’s weird is that I was never really interested in him. I was flattered by his attention, but I never truly liked him. I knew he was never someone with which I would have a lasting relationship.

He was two years older than me and so when I was a junior in high school, he was a freshman in college. I always had to be the one to go see him. I distinctly remember one night driving to his college and dreading it. I didn’t want to see him or be near him. He made my skin crawl. He was lazy, had a stupid bowl haircut, used drugs, talked like a stoned out loser all the time (heeeeeyyy, man), and was incapable of any kind of conversation that didn’t involve sex, drugs, or the Beastie Boys. God help me, I used to hate their songs because I connected them with him. If you tried to pick out the worst possible match for me, it would be him. Hands down. Worst possible match.

I honestly don’t know why I stayed with him. I think in many ways I was scared. Scared to be alone. Scared to leave because he told me he’d kill anybody else I’d ever try to date if I left. To prove this point, he even showed up one time to my house with a gun. Not to mention, my self-esteem had plummeted because of my previous boyfriend. I was lost. Deep down I wanted no part of him, but I was lost.

I remember going there that night. I didn’t want to, but I did. When I arrived, he came outside with two of his football teammates and told me to get in the back of my own car. I hated him for telling me what to do. It was my car. What right did he have? Yet, I did it anyway. He drove to a secluded area by a railroad track, parked the car, and pulled out a bag of weed. I wanted no part of it, so I got out of the car and just leaned against the back passenger side door. He and his buddies got out and then the unthinkable happened.

Broken. I was just flat-out broken. Sure, I kept up a good facade to the world, but inside I was broken. All of us have some sort of brokenness. It comes in many different forms. This is a broken world and we all walk around with a lot of brokenness and pain. When others hurt us, many times that hurt turns us into less than better versions of ourselves. So, how do we heal? Well, I give you an example.

In the book The Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis, there is a particularly unlikable character named, Eustace. He is the embodiment of a spoiled brat. He is a whiny, lazy, completely ungrateful, and works to make everyone’s life miserable. At one point in the book, he ends up on an island and secretly sneaks off to have time away from the other members of the ship. On his walk he comes across a dying dragon and ends up sleeping in the dragon’s lair atop piles of treasure. When he awakes he finds that he has turned into a dragon. Surprisingly, this changes him for the better in many ways, but he still longs to be rid of his new dragon persona. Enter Aslan.

If you know anything about The Chronicles of Narnia, you know that Aslan is a majestic, huge, perfectly wonderful lion. He represents Christ throughout the books. Aslan leads Eustace to a pool of water and encourages him to get in. Eustace does and part of his dragon skin comes off, but he is still a dragon. He repeats the process and pulls off another layer of skin, but still he cannot rid himself of being a dragon. Aslan walks over and tells him that in order to completely change, he must help him. Aslan cuts deep and it’s painful, but he rips off the dragon skin and Eustace is returned to his body. But, he is a changed boy. He is kinder, more helpful, more grateful, and less irritating.

This is how you heal brokenness. After my awful incident with my boyfriend and his buddies, I became a hideous version of myself. I …

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I’ve always thought Marilyn Monroe was probably one of the most beautiful women…ever. It’s a personal opinion, I know, but most people don’t deny that there’s just something about her. A few years back, I watched the movie Some Like It Hot starring Ms. Monroe and I loved it. I highly recommend watching it. I wanted to know more about her, because, well, everyone talks about her and pictures of her are everywhere. So, I got a biography. I like to know people. I like to know what has made them who they are, what makes them tick, and what’s their story. I’ll come back to this…

When I was in high school, my first several boyfriends were not nice. And that’s me…being nice. Starting high school, I was pleased with my looks. I was a little dorky, but not over the top. I didn’t have a lot of fashion sense, but I didn’t really care either. I was happy with my looks. Content. Enter boyfriend number one.

He pretty much took any self-esteem I had and dragged it out of me, stomped on it, dumped cow manure on it, and lit it on fire. Everywhere I turned, he commented on other girls’ looks. I never, ever measured up. It was always, “Why don’t you try and look like her”? Or my personal favorite, “She is so hot, I would give anything to go out with her.” Remember, this was always said in front of me. I was never hot enough, or cool enough, or whatever for him. It crushed my heart. I tried everything I could to become what I thought he wanted and my efforts never amounted to anything other than agony.

My second boyfriend was pretty much the same. My self-esteem was already tanked by the time he came along, so there wasn’t too much to trample on, but his vicious word blows still knocked the wind out of me. Every girl wants to feel like she is a beauty in the eyes of the one that claims to love her. When that doesn’t happen, it’s difficult to handle. I was confident in the fact that I was smart, athletic, and a decent person, but the attacks on my physical appearance left some heavy duty scars.

When I was first dating my husband, he always complimented me on my looks, but, unfortunately, I could not accept what he was saying. I didn’t believe him. I thought he was just trying to be a nice guy. It did not make sense to me that two previous boyfriends thought I was on par with a troll under a bridge and, yet, here was Dustin telling me I was “so beautiful.”  These were conflicting opinions and in my mind only the first two boyfriends could be right, because, well, two against one. It took a long, long time for me to finally learn to graciously accept my husband’s genuine compliments–a long time. To be honest, there are still times when the wounds of the past allow doubt to creep into my mind and I wonder if I’m enough.

So back to Marilyn Monroe. I think for me, my draw to her was a healing process. I saw pictures of Marilyn and how people just “ooh” and “aah” over her. Deep down I wanted to know what it was like to be one of the most physically beautiful people on earth. Was their life better? Did they have great self-esteem? Reading through the pages of her biography I learned a lot about her. In conclusion, I walked away from that book very sad. She was so lonely, so unhappy, so friendless, so desperate for authentic love that her life left me feeling sorry for her. Because of her beauty, she never really knew if anyone really and truly liked her, for her. Men lusted after her and women were envious of her, which, consequently left her with no one in the world.

So, I bought some pictures of her. I hang them up on my wall because she is a reminder to me that you can seemingly have it all–fame, beauty–and still be miserable. Not that I’m glad she was miserable in the slightest, in fact, I wish it had been different for her. She had beauty and adoration, but no real love. Men gushed over her beauty, but it was all hollow. In a way, since reading her book and watching her movies, I wish I could have been her friend; to see more in her than her physical beauty. We had the opposite problem and, yet, we still carried related scars. Her scar was cut over people only seeing her beauty; my scars were seared over people telling me I had none.

So, when we lived near Los Angeles, I went to visit her grave.

I know, that might seem weird.

Anyway, I went there and said a prayer for her hoping that she found peace and knows love. I also keep her pictures on my wall, to remind myself that we need to love people whether they are beautiful or not. We need to love them and see them for who they really are inside. She reminds me to look past the surface and look deeper because when we don’t we miss out on something special–the unique individual God created.

Our words matter. I realize now that my early boyfriends were mean and cruel and their comments had everything to do with their low self-esteem rather than my apparent lack of beauty. As a teenager, though, I didn’t know what to do with their accusations and comments. I also realize that they were wrong. I may not be the most beautiful woman on earth, but I’ve learned not to measure my beauty by insensitive jerks that only appreciate superficial things.

I’ve talked to my girls about these past boyfriends and how they hurt me. I want them to understand that if any boy/man ever slings ugly, vicious comments …

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Bad boys.  They appeal to women, don’t they?  Women don’t like the “bad” part of the boy so much, but their confidence draws us in.  Bad boys generally exude an air of confidence, though most of the time they are covering for their lack of self-esteem.  They’ve learned how to play the game and they realize that women are drawn to men that, at least, appear to be confident with themselves.  It’s a dangerous trap.

When I started dating my first boyfriend, he was on his way to being a “bad boy.”  After him, I dated a straight-up bad boy that talked a good game, and then I dated a bad boy who on the outside looked the part, but actually had a decent heart.

Bad boys tend not to be afraid to approach girls.  They have a certain cockiness about them.  They present a wild side with a touch of danger that is very alluring in the beginning of a relationship.  I discovered (the hard way) that what appears as strength is actually a warped strength, that as time goes on, shows itself for what it really is–insecurity and low self-confidence.

In an effort to prevent my daughters from going through the pain of abusive relationships, I have always talked with them (in age appropriate ways) about what a truly strong man looks like.  I’ve explained to them that bad boys appear to have it all together and falsely exude strength, because they have the guts to come up to girls and talk to them.  “Good guys” are often less aggressive at seeking the attention of a girl they like.

Through the years, I have pondered why I was so drawn to such boys in my teens.  I discovered several things about my thinking, that I think many teenage girls/women, also, believe.  In my naïveté, I equated tattoos, loud cars, risky and aggressive behavior as good symbols of masculinity.  To me, those things were equated with being a man.  Now, please don’t take me the wrong way, I’m not saying these things in and of themselves are inherently bad.  Tattooed guys can be wonderful men.  Pilots, soldiers, fireman, policemen are risk takers, so riskiness is not necessarily bad.  In fact those men are our best examples of heroes.  But these examples exemplify my problem.  I wanted a COURAGEOUS man.  All too often, the only courageous men that the so-called bad boys have to model themselves after are characters from movies.  They end up with a caricature of courageous manliness.  Unfortunately, all I knew to look for were those external signs of courage that can be easily faked.  What I failed to do as a teen was discern a guy’s character.  This is what we have to teach our daughters to do.

One of the things my husband repeatedly tells my girls is that true strength is displayed by protecting and helping others.  He stresses to them that a truly, good strong man will always use his strength to care and protect others.  Another aspect of strength that he talks with them about is mental strength.  He tells our girls, “To be truly strong, you must have strength of mind.  By that I mean, you must be able to discipline yourself and have control over your emotions.”  I had never thought of this aspect of strength, but it is true and virtuous for all of us.

The other night, I asked my husband why bad boys have such apparent confidence.  Here is his reply:

         “Bad boys are only looking for one thing–sex.  They have no true interest in the girl they are pursuing.  So, because they have the goal of getting a girl in bed and zero concern about who she is and her well-being, he just sees her as something to be conquered.  They aren’t looking for love and, therefore, aren’t worried about getting their heart broken.  They just pick a girl they are attracted to, if he can woo her–great–if he can’t then he moves on to the next girl who may say yes.  Good guys, on the other hand, really care for the girl they are interested in.  There is truly something at stake, because if she says no, then his heart might be broken.  Good guys tend to be less aggressive because they really care about her and a possible relationship.”

I have a good hubby.  I am so, so thankful for his guidance given to our children.  He understands guys in ways that I can’t.  I often tell my girls, “If your dad ever dislikes a boy, please take it to heart.  Your dad can see things in guys that you and I might miss.  I promise you, he will always, ALWAYS have your best interest at heart.”

This is a topic we need to discuss with our daughters.  It’s also something to consider when raising boys.  We have to teach boys to be good guys.  I hope that you can use this blog as talking points with your children. It’s important we teach our children to know the difference between “good guy” strength and “bad guy” strength.

Good guys have strength of mind.  They have discipline and control over their emotions.  While they may be physically strong, they will always use that strength for good.  Bad boys tend to be overly aggressive and quick to anger.  They resort to fighting as a way to solve any dispute and often use physical strength to hurt those they claim to love.  In stark contrast, a truly strong man will seek what is best for others and sacrifice his own desires for those he loves.

 …

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