Bad boys. They appeal to women, don’t they? Women don’t like the “bad” part of the boy so much, but their confidence draws us in. Bad boys generally exude an air of confidence, though most of the time they are covering for their lack of self-esteem. They’ve learned how to play the game and they realize that women are drawn to men that, at least, appear to be confident with themselves. It’s a dangerous trap.
When I started dating my first boyfriend, he was on his way to being a “bad boy.” After him, I dated a straight-up bad boy that talked a good game, and then I dated a bad boy who on the outside looked the part, but actually had a decent heart.
Bad boys tend not to be afraid to approach girls. They have a certain cockiness about them. They present a wild side with a touch of danger that is very alluring in the beginning of a relationship. I discovered (the hard way) that what appears as strength is actually a warped strength, that as time goes on, shows itself for what it really is–insecurity and low self-confidence.
In an effort to prevent my daughters from going through the pain of abusive relationships, I have always talked with them (in age appropriate ways) about what a truly strong man looks like. I’ve explained to them that bad boys appear to have it all together and falsely exude strength, because they have the guts to come up to girls and talk to them. “Good guys” are often less aggressive at seeking the attention of a girl they like.
Through the years, I have pondered why I was so drawn to such boys in my teens. I discovered several things about my thinking, that I think many teenage girls/women, also, believe. In my naïveté, I equated tattoos, loud cars, risky and aggressive behavior as good symbols of masculinity. To me, those things were equated with being a man. Now, please don’t take me the wrong way, I’m not saying these things in and of themselves are inherently bad. Tattooed guys can be wonderful men. Pilots, soldiers, fireman, policemen are risk takers, so riskiness is not necessarily bad. In fact those men are our best examples of heroes. But these examples exemplify my problem. I wanted a COURAGEOUS man. All too often, the only courageous men that the so-called bad boys have to model themselves after are characters from movies. They end up with a caricature of courageous manliness. Unfortunately, all I knew to look for were those external signs of courage that can be easily faked. What I failed to do as a teen was discern a guy’s character. This is what we have to teach our daughters to do.
One of the things my husband repeatedly tells my girls is that true strength is displayed by protecting and helping others. He stresses to them that a truly, good strong man will always use his strength to care and protect others. Another aspect of strength that he talks with them about is mental strength. He tells our girls, “To be truly strong, you must have strength of mind. By that I mean, you must be able to discipline yourself and have control over your emotions.” I had never thought of this aspect of strength, but it is true and virtuous for all of us.
The other night, I asked my husband why bad boys have such apparent confidence. Here is his reply:
“Bad boys are only looking for one thing–sex. They have no true interest in the girl they are pursuing. So, because they have the goal of getting a girl in bed and zero concern about who she is and her well-being, he just sees her as something to be conquered. They aren’t looking for love and, therefore, aren’t worried about getting their heart broken. They just pick a girl they are attracted to, if he can woo her–great–if he can’t then he moves on to the next girl who may say yes. Good guys, on the other hand, really care for the girl they are interested in. There is truly something at stake, because if she says no, then his heart might be broken. Good guys tend to be less aggressive because they really care about her and a possible relationship.”
I have a good hubby. I am so, so thankful for his guidance given to our children. He understands guys in ways that I can’t. I often tell my girls, “If your dad ever dislikes a boy, please take it to heart. Your dad can see things in guys that you and I might miss. I promise you, he will always, ALWAYS have your best interest at heart.”
This is a topic we need to discuss with our daughters. It’s also something to consider when raising boys. We have to teach boys to be good guys. I hope that you can use this blog as talking points with your children. It’s important we teach our children to know the difference between “good guy” strength and “bad guy” strength.
Good guys have strength of mind. They have discipline and control over their emotions. While they may be physically strong, they will always use that strength for good. Bad boys tend to be overly aggressive and quick to anger. They resort to fighting as a way to solve any dispute and often use physical strength to hurt those they claim to love. In stark contrast, a truly strong man will seek what is best for others and sacrifice his own desires for those he loves.
