When I was sixteen, I had a tumultuous relationship with my first boyfriend. I’ve written about our relationship in other blogs, but to sum it up, it was toxic. I was always desperately trying to find ways to make him love me and he was always trying to find ways to destroy my self-esteem.
Even after we broke up, we would find some way to drift together. Scott would throw a few compliments my way; I would eat them up like a hungry person feasting on crumbs. I’d get my hopes up that maybe he had finally come around but our brief encounters always ended like a train wreck. In no short time, my heart would be crushed, his sick need to torture me would be fed, and this cycle carried on for months.
One day, though, was the absolute worst. He had called my house and invited me to come over. I hooked on the bait, jumped in my car, and headed to his house. When I knocked on the door, he opened it, didn’t say a word and just walked away. This was completely in keeping with his character, so I didn’t think too much about it. After letting myself in, I found him sitting at a computer playing a game. I tried to talk to him and he completely ignored me. I tried sitting next to him, but still, he continued to ignore me. I went and set on the couch behind him and still…nothing. Finally in my frustration, I got up to leave and said, “I really don’t know why you called me over here if you are going to ignore me the whole time.” He didn’t take his eyes off the screen and so I walked out the door.
But when I got to my car, my low self-esteem gripped my heart like a vice. In my weakness, I felt like I needed to go back in and beg for his love. So, I walked back up to the door, opened it (his parents weren’t home), walked over to him and dropped to my knees at his side. I apologized for not being the girl he wanted, I apologized for not being exciting enough for him, I apologized for things that I didn’t even do, and I begged him to want me and love me. It was not my finest moment. In fact, the thought of it today causes me to cringe with deep regret.
When he finally turned to look at me and acknowledged my existence, his eyes told me that any respect he had left for me was gone. I knew in an instant that this desperation and weakness I was displaying did nothing but lower my worth in his eyes. I slowly got up and walked out once I realized that I was basically dead to him.
Oh, how I wish my older self could have been there that day. I would have stepped in and said, “Girl, get up off your knees. Never apologize for things you have not done, never apologize for things that do need apologizing for, and never beg for another to see worth in you.”
When I reflect back over the course of my life there are many times I’ve gotten on my knees.
I’ve knelt in front of my kids when I’m trying to convey something important to them and I want to look them right in the eyes at their level.
I have knelt on a sidewalk with a rape victim outside a courthouse. She had fallen to her knees and started crying after learning that her case had been dropped after seven years of waiting. She didn’t want me to touch her, so I just knelt beside her while she cried to let her know that I cared.
I have gotten on my knees for different sports and games that I’ve played.
When tending to my garden or weeding, I’ve knelt down.
But that day at my boyfriend’s house was completely different. It was so degrading and humiliating to kneel in front of another person to apologize for things I could not control and beg for love he was unwilling to give.
I contrast the feeling of that day with the first time I knelt in church. Growing up Protestant, I never kneeled in church. Even while attending Mass at a Catholic Church with my husband before I converted, I wouldn’t kneel. I’m not really sure why, I just wouldn’t. Probably it was because I was a stubborn fool. Or…maybe it was because I was worried I would feel like I did all those years ago kneeling in front of my boyfriend. Maybe I was worried I would feel worthless and ashamed.
The thing was, was that I didn’t. When I finally became Catholic and started kneeling at Mass something changed in me. Instead of feeling unloved and pathetic, I felt overwhelmed with reverence and love for God. Each time I kneel at Mass or in prayer, a sense of awe sweeps over me and I am reminded that I worship and love a most generous, merciful, gracious God.
When I was about ten and was watching the movie “To Kill a Mockingbird” for the first time, I distinctly remember the courtroom scene. The judge comes out and the bailiff calls out, “All rise!”
When I saw this, I turned to my dad and said, “Why do we stand for judges, Dad? It’s not like he’s God.”
My dad said back to me, “Hon, if he was God, we’d be on our knees. We stand for those people we honor. We kneel for God.” His comment made a huge impression on me.
Lately, there has been a lot of kneeling in our country and it’s bothered me. For one, no one should ever kneel in front of someone and apologize for things they can’t apologize for or for things they did not do. It is a degrading action and fosters an unhealthy inequality that heals nothing. Trust me when I say that no one will truly respect you for doing such a thing. I know from experience. As humans, to show equality, we should stand and look each other in the eye.
Now, some may argue that men kneel in front of women all the time when they are proposing to them and nobody seems to have a problem with that. For the most part, that is true, unless you are a radical feminist and then I’m sure you have a problem with it. When a man is kneeling in front of a woman to ask for her hand, he is doing it with the intent of showing love and a certain amount of surrender to her heart. There is the potential for it to be done in a desperate, begging way, but usually, the man is doing it out of adoration. No woman, though, should demand or expect it to be done as proof of love.
My main point of contention with the recent rash of kneeling displays is the level of force being applied. People are now expected to kneel for the anthem and in front of the flag to show that they are in solidarity with certain agendas being pushed in our country. If you don’t want to kneel because the flag means something different to you than another person, you will be vilified and pressured into apologizing. I’m here to say that kneeling is not the universal sign of solidarity. If you want to kneel, fine, kneel away, but do not expect me to join you if I don’t want to.
I will stand for the flag, the anthem, and those I honor for their sacrifice and service to our country.
I love to look my husband in the eyes and have him see me as an equal to him in dignity and worth. I’ve never had to beg on my knees for his love.
If I need to truly apologize for something, I will bring a heartfelt apology to the one I have sinned against and hope that they can forgive me.
I will kneel to comfort someone in their grief or to help them rise to their feet.
I will never require, expect, or allow someone to kneel at my feet. If someone ever tries to kneel at your feet and apologize for something they can’t or shouldn’t apologize for, tell them to get up. Only your pride would allow someone to grovel in such a way.
If I need to kneel to get down to a kid’s level to help them understand something important, I will. It’s better than towering over them and making them feel small.
But, most important of all, I will kneel in the presence of God. I kneel for Him in reverence, humility, and gratitude. And when I kneel, I know that I am not begging for love from God and hoping that He counts me worthy of His love. He never asks that I beg for His love, mercy, and grace.
There has been a lot of propaganda kneeling and, honestly, some of it is unnecessary, most of it is not effectively healing, and all of it, in reality, is unhelpful–it affects no real positive change.
Where we can affect the most change is to be on our knees in prayer and worship to God, Catholic Pilgrims. For far too long our country has neglected to offer proper praise to God and I think we can see the effects of that neglect.
