If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know that the start of my blog was in response to an old friend of mine becoming an atheist. We had met in college and were instantly friends. She had this smile, this electricity about her that attracted you like bees to honey. We had so much in common and we could sit for hours talking about boys, religion, classes, our families, our dreams, and our fears. At that point in time, she was a Christian, though, she admitted that she had an unhealthy Pentecostal upbringing.
During college, she married an Army guy and they went off to start their life together. I married an Air Force guy and our paths went in another direction. Social media allowed us to remain friends and see each other’s lives through pictures in our feed. I was quite shocked the day she announced that she was an atheist and it broke my heart.
Everything about her changed and I found that her social media feed was full of opinions and beliefs that were directly in contrast with everything I believe in. She attacked Christianity constantly, conservative thought, and supported things that I find morally wrong. Many times, when I would try to refute one of her attacks on Christianity, I would be pounced upon by her new-found atheist liberal friends. I was called the worst things imaginable and became an online punching bag. At one point, I’d had enough and I decided to delete her as a friend on Facebook. I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Then one day, I got a private message from her. She asked me why I had deleted her and that it really hurt her that I would do such a thing. She still considered me a dear friend. To be honest, I was kind of surprised because I couldn’t imagine why she would still want to be friends with me. Where once we had agreed on nearly everything, now there was barely anything that we could see eye-to-eye on.
I sat and thought for a very long time about how I should approach the situation. I missed the old her but that girl was long gone. Yet, we had a history together. She was one of the first friends I made at college and we had shared tons of heartfelt conversations over the years. I realized, though, that I would have to learn to love the new her. So, I decided that I would unfollow her feed but remain friends. This would allow me to not be bombarded with constant posts that contained things that I couldn’t agree with her on. From time-to-time, I go to her page and see what she’s up to. I like to see pictures of her kids and updates on her life. I have promised myself that I will glaze my eyes over and not look at any political or anti-religious posts or memes. Thankfully, this has worked for me.
My ultimate conclusion was that she was too good of a friend to just delete from my life. Even though we basically agreed on nothing now, I still needed to love her for her. I, also, realized that you are never going to fully agree with people on every single issue under the sun…and that’s okay.
What’s crazy is that when I look back over my life there have been so many times I have gotten rid of people because I found I disagreed with them on one point. I have deleted Facebook friends numerous times because one day, I got on and they said something I didn’t quite like. There have been a few times I’ve ditched certain podcasters I liked because one day, they weren’t completely in line with MY thinking.
What I’ve come to realize is that I allow no room for a high majority of people to think even slightly different than me. Apparently, I want this echo chamber of my own voice pinging back to me. Really what I want is no friction. By my standard, I should get rid of everyone on Facebook because there isn’t a soul on there that thinks just…like….me.
Recently, I’ve been reading a book that our tour guide recommended to us when I was on pilgrimage in the Holy Land. It’s called “Blood Brothers” by Elias Chacour. It is a fascinating book and I’ll be reviewing it for you all once I’m finished reading it. However, as I’ve read it, it’s made me squirm a few times. As an American, I have my own ideas and thoughts about Israel. When you read, though, the first-hand account of a person from Israel, you get a very different viewpoint than what we are told through our media here in America. It’s good for me to read this man’s words to gain an understanding of what life is for someone who actually lived in Israel. It’s been a lesson in sitting with my own preconceived notions and thinking things through.
I find that most of us want the echo chamber. Recently, I’ve been writing about controversial issues on my social media pages and I’ve gotten a number of people saying, “Well, you just lost me.”
“Guess I’ll be unfollowing now.”
I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t sting at all. It does because as a blogger, I feel like I have to appeal to every single side. If I don’t I’ll lose people right and left. I can’t do that, though, and stay true to what I believe. People are free to leave if they want and, by all means, should if they feel moved to do so. What I’ve experienced through blogging, though, is that very few people give you the benefit of the doubt. If you mess up one time, they trash you. If you don’t come down on the right side of an issue perfectly, you have become a waste of time to them. They will not hear you out and they will leave in a way that makes you feel pretty dejected. I “love” that people have to announce it to everyone, “I’m unfollowing you now!” It makes me wonder, did all the rest I said that they agreed with mean nothing because of this one time? I guess so.
But, this is no pity party because it’s the nature of the game and I put myself out there. It’s, also, quite sadly what I’ve done to other people so, I guess, I shouldn’t be surprised. In a way, I have to pitifully laugh at myself for demanding that all people think exactly like me or else. I mean, really, in what world are you going to find huge swaths of people that think EXACTLY like you? In what world are you ever going to find even one person who thinks exactly like you? Well, you aren’t–ever.
And so, what I’ve been trying to do is give people a chance. Human beings are complicated, interesting creatures and we don’t all have the same linear paths or shared experiences. I try to read things from people that I don’t necessarily agree with for two reasons 1. To see where they are coming from and 2. To test it against what I believe. When my friend from the beginning of the story became an atheist, she asked me to read all kinds of articles and books from atheists. Surprisingly, I did. I did it because I wanted to understand her and I wanted to understand the arguments better. After reviewing them, I found a lot of the logic flawed and off-base but at least I understood where my friend was coming from. I didn’t find atheistic arguments compelling in anyway but it did force me to study a lot–A LOT–and for that, I am grateful.
This is a new area of my life that I’m trying to work on. To be sure, I’m not going to go and like Facebook pages of atheists or Satanists just so that I can “hear out the other side.” I’m not going to take up listening to podcasts by pro-abortion advocates in an effort to “be fair.” We don’t have to be accepting of illogical and irrational arguments. Sometimes it is necessary to set healthy boundaries or even walk away completely when the toxicity levels get too high. As I told you before, I can only handle my friend’s social media feed so much and have to wade in only from time-to-time to keep from feeling overwhelmed and attacked. I am trying to hear people out more and consider their thoughts and opinions without jumping to disregard them or delete them out of my life.
It’s not easy to do. I get a lot of flak sometimes on my public posts which is to be expected. It is hard, hard, hard to read dissenters’ words and not get immediately defensive. I try to let people have their say and I try to read without rushing to a reflexive reaction. One practice I’ve been trying to do is to let some people have the last word. Do you know how hard that is for a confrontational person like me? All I can say is that it takes the power of the Holy Spirit to rein me in. I, also, leave up dissenters’ comments unless they are filled with foul language or outright demeaning words. These are the ways I am trying to keep myself in check and, also, not shut out people completely.
I know that Christ wants me to get better in this area. I need to learn to be more forgiving and merciful. I, also, need to learn that I can disagree with someone–even strongly disagree–but I don’t need to chuck them away forever. Maybe this is something we all struggle with and need to work on? I know that for me, it’s healthy for me to work on this particular struggle because it checks my pride and teaches me some humility. It, also, forces me to not become lazy in my thinking. Challenging debates can be good for the mind.
So, pray for me, Catholic Pilgrims, as I ask God to help me work on becoming a better witness to His love in this way. May we all seek to form positive, fruitful relationships even when there may be disagreements and debate. May the Holy Spirit guide our words, direct our hearts, and form our understanding of the truth.
St. Thomas Aquinas, pray for us!
