This post may be TMI. I have toyed with this blog in my head for years. YEARS! Each time, I talk myself out of writing about it because I worry it’s going to be more than people want to hear. I’m gonna try not to be too in the weeds with the details. What I have to say, though, relates directly to one of the Ten Commandments.
(I’m changing a name for the sake of privacy)
Jessie Gray. In middle school, she was one year older than me and I had her in gym class. Middle school is hard enough, but when you are a late bloomer like I was, it can be a serious struggle. Jessie Gray had a beautiful, curvy body. I, on the other hand, resembled a twig. She had long, gorgeous flowing dark-brown hair. I had crunchy home-permed hair. I would stare at her in gym class and wish I could be her. I wished I could have a “womanly” body like her and hair to die for. She had confidence and I basically slunked around the locker room shrouded in a towel.
I love body type definitions. (Sarcasm alert) For swimsuits, I’m referred to as an “athletic build.”
Once I got into high school, Jessie Gray was there with her pin-up girl body and I envied her. We were cheerleaders together my junior year and there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t wish God had given me a body like hers. I tried in vain to do everything I could to be more like her. The more I tried, the unhappier I became.
After having my first two children, I became obsessed with not having a curvy body. I would tell myself that if I could just hold up a swimsuit or a strapless dress, I’d be happy. If I could just get my body to look like Jessie’s, all my problems would be solved. I seriously contemplated plastic surgery.
I would watch those plastic surgery reality TV shows and cry. I’d become depressed when I realized the price was out of reach. Then, some weeks I’d be okay and think about my non-curves less and less. However, once I went clothes shopping and couldn’t find anything to fit my plank board frame, I’d spiral into depression and covet the “goods” other women had been blessed with.
For years, I went through this yo-yo cycle. Sometimes I’d be up and okay about my body, but then a lot of times I would plummet. My poor husband had to deal with me agonizing about it all the time. I would lament and whine to him about how “NOTHING FITS!” and “I LOOK LIKE A PRE-PUBESCENT BOY!” Each and every time he would tell me that I was beautiful and he loved me just the way I was, but…I couldn’t hear him because I was convinced if I had a body like Jessie’s, I’d be better.
Then one day, I was thinking about my girls and it hit me that all these years they had seen their mother cry and whine about not having a Marilyn Monroe body. In a moment of clarity, I realized that I would never be able to tell them to be thankful for their lives and the body God has given them if I’m dissing mine all the time. For the first time, I stopped and thanked God for my body. I thanked Him that it was healthy and strong. I thanked Him for my life. I thanked Him for a husband that had dealt with my belly-aching for so many years. I decided to let go of coveting what I couldn’t have and it has, in effect, made me happier.
The last commandment of the Ten Commandments is: You shall not covet your neighbor’s goods.
I struggled for a long time thinking about what to write on this because I don’t covet people’s homes or cars. I’m not that into clothes or brand names. Standing at the sink one night doing dishes, it dawned on me what I should write about. A little personal, I’ll grant you that, but I hope you can see what I’m trying to get across. Coveting never makes us happy. It makes us envious and jealous. It steals joy and keeps us from being grateful.
I want to be clear that I am in no way telling people that they are wrong if they have gotten plastic surgery. The church has no definitive teaching on the matter and as long as we aren’t doing it because we are completely vain (like me) or trying to garner lots of attention, it is not wrong in and of itself. It was not good for me because it was coming from a place of ingratitude and vanity. I completely understand why women would choose to go down that path and there are even good legitimate reasons for doing it such as restoring things after cancer or injury. My issue stemmed from a problem of coveting what another had and I was convinced it would make me happier. My view was skewed.
I still joke around with my sister about being a stick, but the seriousness that was once there is mostly gone now. I still hate swimsuit shopping (thank God for Jessica Rey’s swimsuits). There are moments when I slip back into old ways of thinking but I work hard to quickly change my outlook. Mostly I do that by being grateful and thankful. Counting your blessings is a wonderful cure for coveting.
I know that many of you won’t relate to my specific struggle with coveting another’s “goods,” but I hope you get the deeper point I’m trying to share. Coveting another’s goods will never make us happy, Catholic Pilgrims. In fact, it leaves us chasing after false sources of joy.
