Lord, Please Let This Cup of Anxiety Pass

If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know that my first two boyfriends treated me horribly. Both of them were cruel in their own way and I suffered much at their hands. I need to talk about them in order to get to the point of this blog, so bear with me. This is in no way intended to be a pity party.

My first boyfriend had an old Monte Carlo as his first car. It really was a beautiful car and he loved it. What he didn’t love was me. One day, after we left school together in his car, he started driving the opposite way from my house and headed out to the hilly country roads near my hometown. Once we got out on the country roads, he decided to increase his speed and drive down the middle of the narrow country street. I quickly became petrified because I knew at any moment a car could come over the hill and smash into us head-on. I screamed at him to slow down, but he wouldn’t. He only laughed and drove faster. Every time we sped up a hill, I braced myself for impact. My heart was banging and I was scared out of my wits, but no amount of fear on my face could make him stop. He was intent on playing chicken with his car and he cared nothing for how it made me feel. He did stuff like this to me all the time to mess with my head. The sheer delight on his face as he watched me beg him to stop with tears in my eyes is still something I struggle to understand.

I vividly remember sitting in that car with no seatbelt on (he had removed them somehow) and feeling like my life was going to end at any moment. He was probably driving 55mph out on a road that was posted at 30mph. I felt so completely out of control and panicky. It was a terrible awful feeling. When he finally came to a stop at the stop sign, I quietly asked him to take me home. Thankfully, he obliged and I held my shaking hands all the way back to my house.

My second boyfriend was even worse. The reason we were together is a long, complicated story, but we were together nonetheless. Something he liked to do was tell me that if I ever left him, he would kill my new boyfriend and me. He was just the type of unstable person that I could believe he would be willing to at least hurt me if I tried to walk away.

After months of enduring him, I could take it no more and I broke up with him. One night, as I was sitting in my basement bedroom, I heard movement outside my door. My room was a mother-in-law’s quarters, so it had a door to the outside. For some reason, which I don’t remember, my parents were not at home and my ex-boyfriend knew this. Anyway, I heard movement outside and then a knock came to my door. I asked who it was and he said his name. Stupidly, I opened the door to see what he wanted and when I did, I found the barrel of a gun pointed right at me. Within a split second, I slammed the door shut, locked it, and ran and hid. I don’t know why I didn’t call the cops. It was a confusing, messed up time for me. I do remember sitting in my hiding place and once the adrenaline dump hit me, I was a shaky mess. It took a long time for me to calm down.

Why do I share these stories? Well, a follower of mine asked me if I have any experience dealing with anxiety. I told her that I did and she asked me if I would be willing to write my thoughts about it. The two stories I mentioned above have caused great anxiety in me over the years. When I am in the car and my husband is driving, if he goes over the speed of 55mph, my anxiety goes through the roof. My heart starts to race and my hands sweat. My body gets very tense and I constantly glance at the speedometer to keep watch of the speed. My husband, God love him, has been so patient with me and understanding. Every time I ask him to slow down, he does until I feel comfortable. I know where this stems from–that car ride on the hilly country roads many years ago. That feeling of being out of control has never left me. It is something I’m working on and I work very hard to be realistic about the situation.

When we moved into our new house a few months back, there were a few car break-ins one night when my husband was gone for work. Some drug users were looking for money. Nothing was taken from my car, but I became very nervous. Then a few weeks after the first incident, my neighbor had her generator stolen from her property and her Ring system caught the criminals on camera. They had guns. I live in a nice neighborhood and it is very uncharacteristic, so in the grand scheme of things, I’m pretty safe. However, my mind went straight back to that night when I had the gun pulled on me by my ex and I became very anxious. I wanted new locks on all doors. We got Ring installed. My husband did all he could to ease my nerves, but I still felt very vulnerable and not in control. I’ve been getting better about it, but all these years later the memory of that night still effect me.

I want to be clear that I’m no doctor. I used to be a counselor, but I am not an expert on anxiety. This blog is just me talking about my observations and experiences. From what I can tell, it seems that most anxiety comes from a feeling of not being in control. There’s a lot of fear associated with it, too, I believe. There are a myriad of reasons why people feel out of control and each person has their unique set of circumstances.

I think a lot of people feel out of control over the direction their life is taking. Maybe they thought they were supposed to be farther along, more successful, more productive, more something. There can be anxiety over watching time slip away and feeling kind of hopeless about it. Moms have anxiety in their lives because if they stay home, they feel like they aren’t really doing anything and if they work, they feel like they are missing out on their kids’ lives.

To be sure, there are tons of people with unresolved issues from their past. These issues surface and are desperate to be dealt with but people are unwilling because they fear the pain of dealing with hurtful issues. For me, I’ve had a ton of anxiety over my oldest daughter being a teenager. I suffered so much during my late teenage years and I want so desperately to keep her from the pain that I went through and I’m fearful I won’t do a good job. My husband has to help me be realistic and learn to trust. It’s rough, though. My mind conjures up all kinds of scenarios that she could go through and then anxiety floods into my life. When my husband was deployed and it felt like time was just dragging on, I became anxious and panicky. Mostly, I felt out of control because there was nothing I could do to speed up the time to be with him again. I just had to wait.

So, what do you do? First, remember that you are not alone in this. Most people experience anxiety at some point in their lives. Second, talk about it. When we isolate ourselves, we start to think that we are the only ones who are going through this and that does nothing to help our anxiety levels. Talk with God, your spouse, a friend, a priest/minister, or counselor. Third, know that it’s okay if you need to seek help. It’s not a sin to get help for something you are struggling with. You don’t have to power through and white-knuckle it.

It’s absolutely necessary to pin-point the source of the anxiety. If you are unwilling to explore that than you are going to have a difficult time working to fix the problem. For me, after the car break-in incident, I became irritable and overly fearful. My fear was out of proportion to what had happened. My husband recognized this and started asking me to think about what really was bothering me. Once I realized that it had unsurfaced some old feelings, I could then begin to deal with it. It helped a lot to get to the root of the problem. Never be afraid to look for the root of your anxiety. No one ever died from doing some digging and figuring out where their anxiety stems from. Do you feel out of control? Are you fearful? If so, why?

I have a whole bevy of tools that I use to help me with anxiety. I can never get rid of the memories of my past, so that is not an option. For me, music calms me. I’ll put on my favorite songs and sing as loud as I can. Exercise is another one. I like lifting weights and it helps me to work out frustrations by pushing around the iron. Journaling is another thing that helps flesh out my thoughts. I can be as honest as I want and it helps to release my struggles on paper. The number one thing for me, though, is prayer. Talking with God about my feelings of being out of control and being fearful is a great salve to me. He always gives me graces and helps me to put things in the right perspective. Remember, though, that you can’t just try praying one time. Going to the gym once isn’t going to elevate your anxiety. You are going to have to commit for a long period of time. Your symptoms won’t go away overnight.

One thing I know about anxiety is that the more you stress about having it, the more anxious you become. I, also, know that people often cope with it in negative ways that don’t really help at all. I saw this a lot as a counselor. Drugs, alcohol, isolation, Netflix bingefests, and overeating are all negative ways people try to deal with anxiety. These only mask the problem and are attempts to try to numb or deny the root of the anxiety. You must be brave and face it head-on–with help and support, of course.

The good news is that anxiety doesn’t have to rule your life. When I feel it creeping into mine, I just have to remind myself that I know how to deal with it and then set about doing what needs to be done. Figure out what works for you, stick with it, strive for hope, work to maintain a positive attitude, talk it out with someone you trust, seek help if needed, and give God the opportunity to walk with you through it all.