Recently, I’ve had a lot of people private message me about their marriages. They are writing about marriages that have lost affection, ones that are void of love, and marriages that are teetering over the edge of a cliff poised to fall into destruction. It’s heartbreaking. There is a real and true pain that comes from a marriage that seems destined to fail. I know that hurt because I am the child of divorced parents and it’s a heartbreak that never fully heals.
It’s getting to the point in my life where a lot of people my age are starting to get divorced. Within the past couple of years, many couples that I know have called it quits or are living in marriages that are barely hanging on. What I’ve noticed is that the problems usually revolve around a few specific issues: Lack of proper communication, no effort, preoccupation with kids, and an expectation for the other person to always do the changing. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but they are the ones that come up most often. I plan on addressing these topics starting with the last one first.
A disclaimer: I realize that some marriages are filled with abuse or addiction or both. I’m not saying that you must stick it out in a dangerous marriage. Sometimes it is necessary to leave for the safety of you and your children. I’m speaking in this blog of marriages that are lackluster, lacking connection, or have faded into two people living in the same house, but that aren’t loving each other well.
THEY NEED TO CHANGE
Have you ever talked to a divorced person? I’m sure you have. Ever notice how when they talk about the downfall of their marriage it is ALWAYS the other person’s fault. The person you are talking to will give you a whole laundry list about how awful and impossible the other person was to deal with on a daily basis. You’ll hear all the juicy details and end up thinking that this person they are describing is an absolute monster. And yet…
I’ve learned a few things in life and one of them is this: Nobody likes to self-reflect and see where they need to change, myself included. And everybody likes to heap all blame on others and expect–DEMAND–them to change. Rarely is there ever a marriage where 100% of the problems can be set upon the shoulders of one. Relationships involve broken, faulty people. To think that we are perfect like a red, red rose is unhealthy and untrue. We ALL have annoying habits, faults, failings, and things we need to work on. If we are demanding others to change, we must demand the same standard for ourselves. In fact, demanding anyone to change will often be a recipe for disaster. All we can do is control ourselves and make sure that we are doing all that we can to be a good and loving spouse.
I’ve met a few people in my life who were willing to look at themselves and see how they contributed to the destruction of their marriage, but this is rare. A good practice to put into play is to periodically ask your spouse if there is anything that you can work on. On the flip side of this, if your spouse asks you, be honest. Tell them if there is something you see that could help them become better. Say it gently and with the purpose of loving correction, not spiteful criticism.
PREOCCUPATION WITH KIDS
I always have to preface this topic by first saying that I’m not encouraging you to neglect your kids. For some reason, when people hear “make your marriage a priority” they translate that into “NEGLECT YOUR KIDS!” You and your spouse are the foundation of your family. No foundation, no family. It is imperative that you and your spouse take time to focus on each other as romantic partners and not just parents. Too often, married couples are great at parenting, but lousy in the spousal department. These spouses have noble intentions, but remember, your kids need to know that you are a solid foundation. By only focusing on your kids and what’s best for them you could unintentionally leave them with a broken home. This isn’t what is best for your kids. What is best for your kids is to see mom and dad love each other. I wrote a whole blog on this that you can read here.
In my life, I’ve had numerous people say to me that it was best for them to break up because their kids didn’t need to see mom and dad fighting all the time. Then they will go on to tell me that since their break-up they are a super great parenting duo and they are great friends now. As a child of divorced parents, let me say that the absolute best thing for your kids is for mom and dad to learn to be great friends in their marriage instead of after it’s broken apart. If you can be great friends after divorce, you obviously have it in you to do it. Usually, they become great friends because all expectations are dropped. They aren’t expecting the other person to be a perfect spouse any longer and nobody is expecting them to be perfect. Baring the marriage isn’t toxic from abuse or addiction, what kids really need is mom and dad under one roof doing what it takes to save their marriage.
NO EFFORT
It is easy after the honeymoon period wears off to just settle into stability mode. I understand that kids, chores, bills, work, and outside commitments make it very hard to find loads of time to focus on your marriage. However, your relationship with your spouse is THE most important relationship you have with an earthly person. Your kids will move up and on and their families will take precedence over mom and dad. It’s very common for a …
The post Help! My Marriage Has “Lost That Loving Feeling!” appeared first on .
]]>Recently, I’ve had a lot of people private message me about their marriages. They are writing about marriages that have lost affection, ones that are void of love, and marriages that are teetering over the edge of a cliff poised to fall into destruction. It’s heartbreaking. There is a real and true pain that comes from a marriage that seems destined to fail. I know that hurt because I am the child of divorced parents and it’s a heartbreak that never fully heals.
It’s getting to the point in my life where a lot of people my age are starting to get divorced. Within the past couple of years, many couples that I know have called it quits or are living in marriages that are barely hanging on. What I’ve noticed is that the problems usually revolve around a few specific issues: Lack of proper communication, no effort, preoccupation with kids, and an expectation for the other person to always do the changing. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but they are the ones that come up most often. I plan on addressing these topics starting with the last one first.
A disclaimer: I realize that some marriages are filled with abuse or addiction or both. I’m not saying that you must stick it out in a dangerous marriage. Sometimes it is necessary to leave for the safety of you and your children. I’m speaking in this blog of marriages that are lackluster, lacking connection, or have faded into two people living in the same house, but that aren’t loving each other well.
THEY NEED TO CHANGE
Have you ever talked to a divorced person? I’m sure you have. Ever notice how when they talk about the downfall of their marriage it is ALWAYS the other person’s fault. The person you are talking to will give you a whole laundry list about how awful and impossible the other person was to deal with on a daily basis. You’ll hear all the juicy details and end up thinking that this person they are describing is an absolute monster. And yet…
I’ve learned a few things in life and one of them is this: Nobody likes to self-reflect and see where they need to change, myself included. And everybody likes to heap all blame on others and expect–DEMAND–them to change. Rarely is there ever a marriage where 100% of the problems can be set upon the shoulders of one. Relationships involve broken, faulty people. To think that we are perfect like a red, red rose is unhealthy and untrue. We ALL have annoying habits, faults, failings, and things we need to work on. If we are demanding others to change, we must demand the same standard for ourselves. In fact, demanding anyone to change will often be a recipe for disaster. All we can do is control ourselves and make sure that we are doing all that we can to be a good and loving spouse.
I’ve met a few people in my life who were willing to look at themselves and see how they contributed to the destruction of their marriage, but this is rare. A good practice to put into play is to periodically ask your spouse if there is anything that you can work on. On the flip side of this, if your spouse asks you, be honest. Tell them if there is something you see that could help them become better. Say it gently and with the purpose of loving correction, not spiteful criticism.
PREOCCUPATION WITH KIDS
I always have to preface this topic by first saying that I’m not encouraging you to neglect your kids. For some reason, when people hear “make your marriage a priority” they translate that into “NEGLECT YOUR KIDS!” You and your spouse are the foundation of your family. No foundation, no family. It is imperative that you and your spouse take time to focus on each other as romantic partners and not just parents. Too often, married couples are great at parenting, but lousy in the spousal department. These spouses have noble intentions, but remember, your kids need to know that you are a solid foundation. By only focusing on your kids and what’s best for them you could unintentionally leave them with a broken home. This isn’t what is best for your kids. What is best for your kids is to see mom and dad love each other. I wrote a whole blog on this that you can read here.
In my life, I’ve had numerous people say to me that it was best for them to break up because their kids didn’t need to see mom and dad fighting all the time. Then they will go on to tell me that since their break-up they are a super great parenting duo and they are great friends now. As a child of divorced parents, let me say that the absolute best thing for your kids is for mom and dad to learn to be great friends in their marriage instead of after it’s broken apart. If you can be great friends after divorce, you obviously have it in you to do it. Usually, they become great friends because all expectations are dropped. They aren’t expecting the other person to be a perfect spouse any longer and nobody is expecting them to be perfect. Baring the marriage isn’t toxic from abuse or addiction, what kids really need is mom and dad under one roof doing what it takes to save their marriage.
NO EFFORT
It is easy after the honeymoon period wears off to just settle into stability mode. I understand that kids, chores, bills, work, and outside commitments make it very hard to find loads of time to focus on your marriage. However, your relationship with your spouse is THE most important relationship you have with an earthly person. Your kids will move up and on and their families will take precedence over mom and dad. It’s very common for a …
The post Help! My Marriage Has “Lost That Loving Feeling!” appeared first on .
]]>
A few weeks ago, I was asked about my thoughts on whether Catholics should marry people who aren’t Catholic. Since I’ve been moving, I haven’t had the chance to really sit down and write my thoughts out. I’ve finally found a few moments between the boxes, painting, and organizing our new home.
First, I wasn’t Catholic when my husband married me. He is a cradle Catholic, but neither one of us were living out our faith when we met. We called ourselves Christians, but I wouldn’t say we were practicing. So, my first reaction is to say that I’m sure glad my hubby took a chance on me, a Protestant. However, I understand that things are a little more nuanced and marriage isn’t just about fluffy feelings and warm fuzzies. Who you marry is very serious business. People in our culture don’t take it serious enough and marry, often times, just because it “feels right.”
Secondly, it doesn’t really matter what I think, it matters what Christ and the Church think. Christ didn’t specifically say in Scripture, “Thee may only marry other Catholics.” So, we must rely on the Magisterium of the Church to give us guidance. Does the Church say that a Catholic and a non-Catholic can’t be married? No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t even say that you aren’t allowed to marry a non-baptized person.
But….
More important than the health of our bodies, is the health of our souls. Our souls are eternal, our bodies are not. Anything that can cause peril for our souls is something to be avoided. Clearly, it’s hard for us humans to avoid every single thing that could harm our souls. The Church warns against anything that could cause us to turn away from the Catholic Faith and its life-giving sacraments. To read what the Church says about this, you can read in the Catechism of the Catholic Church in sections 1633-1637.
For this blog, however, I’d just like to offer up my musings. To be sure, I’m not a church authority figure, so my words should be taken with a grain of salt.
The Disappearing Catholic
The other day I was out in my front lawn spreading some fertilizer. A lawn man across the street took a break from his mowing and we started up a friendly conversation. At one point, he asked me what was written on my t-shirt. I happened to be wearing a t-shirt that advertised the World Meeting of Families 2015 in Philadelphia. My family had attended it and it was amazing. I read it off to him and he said, “Is that some kind of big family organization?”
I kind of chuckled and said, “Well, yes, it’s the Catholic Church. I’m Catholic.”
“Oh, my dad was Catholic, but he married my mom who was Baptist. They did that for a while, but then really nothing.”
His dad was the type of Catholic that just disappears from their faith. They marry a person of a different faith background and since they aren’t in sync, they just disappear from the Catholic Church altogether.
I’ve heard this story numerous times. These people fall away from the sacraments and all the ways to gain sanctifying grace. It’s a soul that’s in danger and the Church most definitely doesn’t want that.
The “It’s Easier This Way” Catholic
I’ve met many people who end up just leaving the Catholic Faith and converting to their spouse’s faith background. They find it’s easier than church hopping or fighting about it all the time. But, if the Catholic Church is the Church Christ founded, we can’t just abandon it. This is something that has to be thought about before marriage. Leaving behind what is true, especially when you know it to be true, is not a good reason.
The Catholic With Confused Kids
My husband worked with this one guy whose mom was Protestant and his dad was Jewish. His parents were since divorced, but because he grew up in a mixed-religion household, he basically is indifferent about religion. “Who’s right?” is his question. Because his parents weren’t on the same page, he grew up confused and, in the end, disinterested. Our children’s souls are entrusted to us as parents and mixed-religion families can cause a lot of confusion for kids. The disconnect can be a catalyst that causes them to abandon their faith altogether. Of course, a child that comes from a solid Catholic home could abandon the faith, too, and many do. However, as parents, we have to do our utmost to make sure we aren’t adding to the problem.
The Lukewarm Catholics
Folks, I’ve taught Confirmation classes for the past two years and, let me tell you, just having two married Catholics is no guarantee they are guiding each other to heaven.
You can have two married Catholics, but they can be lukewarm in their faith. You know who I’m talking about; those that miss Mass except on Christmas and Easter, those that never live the faith at home, those that just work to get their kids through the different sacraments only to abandon church once the kids “graduate.” Just because you are Catholic and you marry another Catholic does not guarantee anything. Two Catholics can lead each other away from the faith just as easily as a Catholic and a non-Catholic. I know, I’ve seen it and it has grave consequences for the kids.
Well, that was all pretty doom and gloom, so is there any hope?
The thing my husband and I argued about the most in our early years of marriage was religion. It was stressful trying to make our mixed faith backgrounds work. We tried church hopping, which got old really quick. Thankfully, through my husband’s patient ways and his reasoned answers, I began to listen to him. I learned that everything I once believed about Catholicism was wrong and this was humbling for me. As I started listening and attending Mass with him, I started to feel called …
The post Q & A: Does the Church Only Allow Catholics to Marry Other Catholics? appeared first on .
]]>A few weeks ago, I was asked about my thoughts on whether Catholics should marry people who aren’t Catholic. Since I’ve been moving, I haven’t had the chance to really sit down and write my thoughts out. I’ve finally found a few moments between the boxes, painting, and organizing our new home.
First, I wasn’t Catholic when my husband married me. He is a cradle Catholic, but neither one of us were living out our faith when we met. We called ourselves Christians, but I wouldn’t say we were practicing. So, my first reaction is to say that I’m sure glad my hubby took a chance on me, a Protestant. However, I understand that things are a little more nuanced and marriage isn’t just about fluffy feelings and warm fuzzies. Who you marry is very serious business. People in our culture don’t take it serious enough and marry, often times, just because it “feels right.”
Secondly, it doesn’t really matter what I think, it matters what Christ and the Church think. Christ didn’t specifically say in Scripture, “Thee may only marry other Catholics.” So, we must rely on the Magisterium of the Church to give us guidance. Does the Church say that a Catholic and a non-Catholic can’t be married? No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t even say that you aren’t allowed to marry a non-baptized person.
But….
More important than the health of our bodies, is the health of our souls. Our souls are eternal, our bodies are not. Anything that can cause peril for our souls is something to be avoided. Clearly, it’s hard for us humans to avoid every single thing that could harm our souls. The Church warns against anything that could cause us to turn away from the Catholic Faith and its life-giving sacraments. To read what the Church says about this, you can read in the Catechism of the Catholic Church in sections 1633-1637.
For this blog, however, I’d just like to offer up my musings. To be sure, I’m not a church authority figure, so my words should be taken with a grain of salt.
The Disappearing Catholic
The other day I was out in my front lawn spreading some fertilizer. A lawn man across the street took a break from his mowing and we started up a friendly conversation. At one point, he asked me what was written on my t-shirt. I happened to be wearing a t-shirt that advertised the World Meeting of Families 2015 in Philadelphia. My family had attended it and it was amazing. I read it off to him and he said, “Is that some kind of big family organization?”
I kind of chuckled and said, “Well, yes, it’s the Catholic Church. I’m Catholic.”
“Oh, my dad was Catholic, but he married my mom who was Baptist. They did that for a while, but then really nothing.”
His dad was the type of Catholic that just disappears from their faith. They marry a person of a different faith background and since they aren’t in sync, they just disappear from the Catholic Church altogether.
I’ve heard this story numerous times. These people fall away from the sacraments and all the ways to gain sanctifying grace. It’s a soul that’s in danger and the Church most definitely doesn’t want that.
The “It’s Easier This Way” Catholic
I’ve met many people who end up just leaving the Catholic Faith and converting to their spouse’s faith background. They find it’s easier than church hopping or fighting about it all the time. But, if the Catholic Church is the Church Christ founded, we can’t just abandon it. This is something that has to be thought about before marriage. Leaving behind what is true, especially when you know it to be true, is not a good reason.
The Catholic With Confused Kids
My husband worked with this one guy whose mom was Protestant and his dad was Jewish. His parents were since divorced, but because he grew up in a mixed-religion household, he basically is indifferent about religion. “Who’s right?” is his question. Because his parents weren’t on the same page, he grew up confused and, in the end, disinterested. Our children’s souls are entrusted to us as parents and mixed-religion families can cause a lot of confusion for kids. The disconnect can be a catalyst that causes them to abandon their faith altogether. Of course, a child that comes from a solid Catholic home could abandon the faith, too, and many do. However, as parents, we have to do our utmost to make sure we aren’t adding to the problem.
The Lukewarm Catholics
Folks, I’ve taught Confirmation classes for the past two years and, let me tell you, just having two married Catholics is no guarantee they are guiding each other to heaven.
You can have two married Catholics, but they can be lukewarm in their faith. You know who I’m talking about; those that miss Mass except on Christmas and Easter, those that never live the faith at home, those that just work to get their kids through the different sacraments only to abandon church once the kids “graduate.” Just because you are Catholic and you marry another Catholic does not guarantee anything. Two Catholics can lead each other away from the faith just as easily as a Catholic and a non-Catholic. I know, I’ve seen it and it has grave consequences for the kids.
Well, that was all pretty doom and gloom, so is there any hope?
The thing my husband and I argued about the most in our early years of marriage was religion. It was stressful trying to make our mixed faith backgrounds work. We tried church hopping, which got old really quick. Thankfully, through my husband’s patient ways and his reasoned answers, I began to listen to him. I learned that everything I once believed about Catholicism was wrong and this was humbling for me. As I started listening and attending Mass with him, I started to feel called …
The post Q & A: Does the Church Only Allow Catholics to Marry Other Catholics? appeared first on .
]]>
When I was a teenager, I watched Braveheart for the first time. In the beginning, William Wallace (played by Mel Gibson) falls in love with a beautiful peasant girl, Murron. Early on, the two lovers are sitting on a hill and the way that William talks to her and looks at her sure makes a girl swoon. I’m not going to go into everything about the story, but William has to marry Murron in secret so as not to have to share her with an English noble on their wedding night. William is Scottish and, as you see in the story, the English nobles take newlywed Scottish brides away to rape them and then give them back once they are finished.
My favorite part is when they are reciting their vows. William tells Murron, “I will love you my whole life, you and no other.” As soon as I heard him say that to her, I literally was never the same. I knew in that instant that I wanted that type of love in my marriage. The way he looked at her, the love in those vows, the beautiful consummation of their marriage by the lake was enough to turn me into a hopeless romantic. I loved his words so much that my husband and I wrote them into our vows.
Sadly, Murron dies tragically; killed by an English soldier. It’s so heartbreaking to see her look for him to save her, but he shows up too late. Her death fills William with such rage that it provides the fuel for him to start fighting the English. I loved that he fought for her. I could understand his righteous anger and I couldn’t blame him for wanting to take them all on. He fought for her memory and honor. It was beautiful. Then enters the pretty princess…
The pretty princess is French, but she’s forced to marry the English prince. She doesn’t really love the prince and when she meets William, they end up having a love affair. Once this happened, the movie was dead to me. Dead. Well, not totally, because it’s a fantastic movie, but I was furious with William.
“This movie is terrible! I hate it!” I remember screaming out while watching it with my dad.
Chuckling, my dad said, “Why do you say that?”
“Because! He just betrayed the love he pledged to his wife! (Said sarcastically) ‘Oh, I love you all the days of my life. Oh, I’ll love you and no other.’ Blah, Blah, Blah! Lies! Once the first pretty girl steps into his life his wife is forgotten and all he can think about is his groin! I hate this movie!”
“Amy, his wife died. What do you expect him to do? Live alone forever?”
“Yes! It would show his true love! How can he say he loves his wife and no other, but then be so quick to jump into bed with some other woman and love her, too?!”
This movie has always stirred a lot of emotions in me. In my head, I know that if a spouse dies, the other is free to marry again, but my heart just can’t go there. My head tells me that if something were to happen to me, that my husband should be free to find happiness in another woman, but I get a huge lump in my throat thinking of that.
I fear that I would be replaced and I can’t…I just can’t even think about it and find a way to be okay with it. I know, I know, I know, that in heaven I wouldn’t worry about it and I would be happy for Dustin to be happy. I know that it would be selfish of me to tell him to never marry again, but the thought just takes the breathe out of me. I’m not even joking.
The thought that another woman would take my place in our bed, fill his thoughts, hug and kiss him when he comes home is more than my heart can take. I know that some people have no problem with the thought of marriage after death. I know that this doesn’t mean they love their spouse less or anything like that. I’m not saying my love is more true or passionate. I know in my head that they aren’t really replacing their former spouse; they are just finding love with someone else. I’m not going to judge another’s motives or love, this is just how I feel.
Recently, on a camping trip, my husband, my cousin-in-law, and I were having this conversation. My cousin told this story about this lady who was dying of cancer and she wrote a letter to her husband’s future wife. She told her to take care of her husband and kids. She told her that she was okay with it and that she wanted them to be happy. As my cousin was relaying this story, she was filled with emotions and tears. She said, “Isn’t that just beautiful? That she’s able to give her blessing like that?”
My heart was unmoved. In my head I thought, “That’s nice and that lady must be a better woman than me.” In my imagination, I saw myself instead coming back to haunt my husband and the new woman. I was rattling chains and wailing like a banshee.
I’m kidding, of course, but only a little. No. No. Really, I’m kidding. But….I did make a good ghost in my thoughts. Lol.
It’s a hard thing to describe. I know it sounds completely selfish and jealous, but I guess it’s hard for me to think that there is another out there that Dustin could make a life with other than me. I know for me, if God forbid, anything happened to Dustin it wouldn’t be fair to any other man to marry him. Dustin took up residence in my heart when I met him and there he will remain forever. There may …
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]]>
When I was a teenager, I watched Braveheart for the first time. In the beginning, William Wallace (played by Mel Gibson) falls in love with a beautiful peasant girl, Murron. Early on, the two lovers are sitting on a hill and the way that William talks to her and looks at her sure makes a girl swoon. I’m not going to go into everything about the story, but William has to marry Murron in secret so as not to have to share her with an English noble on their wedding night. William is Scottish and, as you see in the story, the English nobles take newlywed Scottish brides away to rape them and then give them back once they are finished.
My favorite part is when they are reciting their vows. William tells Murron, “I will love you my whole life, you and no other.” As soon as I heard him say that to her, I literally was never the same. I knew in that instant that I wanted that type of love in my marriage. The way he looked at her, the love in those vows, the beautiful consummation of their marriage by the lake was enough to turn me into a hopeless romantic. I loved his words so much that my husband and I wrote them into our vows.
Sadly, Murron dies tragically; killed by an English soldier. It’s so heartbreaking to see her look for him to save her, but he shows up too late. Her death fills William with such rage that it provides the fuel for him to start fighting the English. I loved that he fought for her. I could understand his righteous anger and I couldn’t blame him for wanting to take them all on. He fought for her memory and honor. It was beautiful. Then enters the pretty princess…
The pretty princess is French, but she’s forced to marry the English prince. She doesn’t really love the prince and when she meets William, they end up having a love affair. Once this happened, the movie was dead to me. Dead. Well, not totally, because it’s a fantastic movie, but I was furious with William.
“This movie is terrible! I hate it!” I remember screaming out while watching it with my dad.
Chuckling, my dad said, “Why do you say that?”
“Because! He just betrayed the love he pledged to his wife! (Said sarcastically) ‘Oh, I love you all the days of my life. Oh, I’ll love you and no other.’ Blah, Blah, Blah! Lies! Once the first pretty girl steps into his life his wife is forgotten and all he can think about is his groin! I hate this movie!”
“Amy, his wife died. What do you expect him to do? Live alone forever?”
“Yes! It would show his true love! How can he say he loves his wife and no other, but then be so quick to jump into bed with some other woman and love her, too?!”
This movie has always stirred a lot of emotions in me. In my head, I know that if a spouse dies, the other is free to marry again, but my heart just can’t go there. My head tells me that if something were to happen to me, that my husband should be free to find happiness in another woman, but I get a huge lump in my throat thinking of that.
I fear that I would be replaced and I can’t…I just can’t even think about it and find a way to be okay with it. I know, I know, I know, that in heaven I wouldn’t worry about it and I would be happy for Dustin to be happy. I know that it would be selfish of me to tell him to never marry again, but the thought just takes the breathe out of me. I’m not even joking.
The thought that another woman would take my place in our bed, fill his thoughts, hug and kiss him when he comes home is more than my heart can take. I know that some people have no problem with the thought of marriage after death. I know that this doesn’t mean they love their spouse less or anything like that. I’m not saying my love is more true or passionate. I know in my head that they aren’t really replacing their former spouse; they are just finding love with someone else. I’m not going to judge another’s motives or love, this is just how I feel.
Recently, on a camping trip, my husband, my cousin-in-law, and I were having this conversation. My cousin told this story about this lady who was dying of cancer and she wrote a letter to her husband’s future wife. She told her to take care of her husband and kids. She told her that she was okay with it and that she wanted them to be happy. As my cousin was relaying this story, she was filled with emotions and tears. She said, “Isn’t that just beautiful? That she’s able to give her blessing like that?”
My heart was unmoved. In my head I thought, “That’s nice and that lady must be a better woman than me.” In my imagination, I saw myself instead coming back to haunt my husband and the new woman. I was rattling chains and wailing like a banshee.
I’m kidding, of course, but only a little. No. No. Really, I’m kidding. But….I did make a good ghost in my thoughts. Lol.
It’s a hard thing to describe. I know it sounds completely selfish and jealous, but I guess it’s hard for me to think that there is another out there that Dustin could make a life with other than me. I know for me, if God forbid, anything happened to Dustin it wouldn’t be fair to any other man to marry him. Dustin took up residence in my heart when I met him and there he will remain forever. There may …
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Many years ago, my husband was trying to explain to someone how your relationship with your spouse, if you have one, is more important than any other earthly relationship.
The other person quickly said, “No, it’s with your kids.”
To which my husband said, “It doesn’t mean that you love your kids less, it’s just that they will move on and all that will be left is you and your spouse. If the marriage breaks down, everything falls apart.”
The other person didn’t quite seem to get what my husband was saying.
This is often what happens. When someone says your relationship with your spouse is one of the highest priorities, people often hear, “Don’t love your kids as much as your spouse.”
I think we’ve gone about explaining this not quite accurately enough so that people understand. This weekend, at our Sunday Bible study with our kids, my husband and I were talking about love with them. I’ll try to capture what I said to them.
Our number one relationship in all of life should be with God. God is love and if He is love then a relationship with Him is how we come to truly and fully understand what love is and how to love well. God loves us perfectly, fully, wholly, immensely, and eternally. There is no flaw in His love and there is no measure to it.
When we put God first in our lives and really truly try to live our lives for Him, we are graced with the capacity to love more like Him. The more we tap into God, the more we open ourselves up to being more like Him and the more we are like Him, the better we love.
It isn’t like I have a cookie jar full of love where I dole out my love to those in my family. It’s not as if I say, “Okay, Dustin, you get 1/2 of my love. Kids, you get to divide 1/4 of my love up evenly between you, and there will be 1/4 left over for my mom, dad, brother, sister, other family members, and friends.” This is not how love works when done right.
When we order things as they should, with God at the top of our priority list, the love is limitless. We don’t have to measure our love out to those around us. We don’t run out; our love doesn’t dry up. Quite the opposite, we are able to love more fully, wholly, and immensely, because we have tapped into the source of love–God. There is not an X amount of love in the world and when we’ve given it out, then it’s all gone. No, the beautiful thing about love is that the more we give away, the more we have to give away. It just keeps coming.
When I order my life with God at the top, I am able to love my husband more completely. This in turn allows me to love my children more completely. My marriage comes from God and through the love in our marriage came our children. It flows perfectly: From God, our marriage; from our marriage, our kids. Loving God first frees us to love in a deep, deep way. Our children come through the love in the marriage and it only makes sense that to keep the family happy, intact, and loving, the parents must make sure that they are loving each other well.
There has never been a family in the history of the world that has fallen apart when the spouses were both loving the other deeply, truly, and fully. There have been families–many in fact–that have fallen apart when the spouses neglected each other and focused all their love on their kids.
The point is that when someone says your marriage needs to take precedence over your other earthly relationships, they are not in anyway implying that you should love your kids less. No one is saying to completely ignore the young’uns and just stare into your spouses eyes all day. A healthy marriage, however, is more necessary, more essential to the well-being of all in the family.
But, what about single people and single mothers and fathers? No matter your situation in life, your relationship with God is the most important. Growing closer to God only helps you to love better all who cross your path. It helps you to offer a smile to a stranger, to say a kind word to the cashier, to help a co-worker who is feeling overwhelmed. We are commanded by God to love everyone, but how I show that love looks different depending on the closeness of my relationship with a certain person.
I often times get a feeling that people have a certain “pride” in saying that they love their kids more than their spouse. It is important to remember that kids desperately want their parents to love each other. They need to see that you do, because it gives them security and peace. Each month, my husband and I have date night and my two older children watch their younger brother. They never gripe or complain. In fact, my oldest told me that she loves seeing us go out on dates. The question is why? She loves it, because her foundation is her father and I. If we are broken, or teetering on shaky ground, our children will feel anxious, fearful, nervous, and doubtful of the state of the family.
I grew up with both my parents giving me and my siblings tons of attention and love. Sadly, they couldn’t find a way to love each other and I always ached for that. In fact, I wish in many ways, they would have put their effort into each other more than into us kids. My parents didn’t stay together and it is a truly difficult thing when your foundation breaks. I vowed in my heart that my kids would always be assured of my …
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]]>Many years ago, my husband was trying to explain to someone how your relationship with your spouse, if you have one, is more important than any other earthly relationship.
The other person quickly said, “No, it’s with your kids.”
To which my husband said, “It doesn’t mean that you love your kids less, it’s just that they will move on and all that will be left is you and your spouse. If the marriage breaks down, everything falls apart.”
The other person didn’t quite seem to get what my husband was saying.
This is often what happens. When someone says your relationship with your spouse is one of the highest priorities, people often hear, “Don’t love your kids as much as your spouse.”
I think we’ve gone about explaining this not quite accurately enough so that people understand. This weekend, at our Sunday Bible study with our kids, my husband and I were talking about love with them. I’ll try to capture what I said to them.
Our number one relationship in all of life should be with God. God is love and if He is love then a relationship with Him is how we come to truly and fully understand what love is and how to love well. God loves us perfectly, fully, wholly, immensely, and eternally. There is no flaw in His love and there is no measure to it.
When we put God first in our lives and really truly try to live our lives for Him, we are graced with the capacity to love more like Him. The more we tap into God, the more we open ourselves up to being more like Him and the more we are like Him, the better we love.
It isn’t like I have a cookie jar full of love where I dole out my love to those in my family. It’s not as if I say, “Okay, Dustin, you get 1/2 of my love. Kids, you get to divide 1/4 of my love up evenly between you, and there will be 1/4 left over for my mom, dad, brother, sister, other family members, and friends.” This is not how love works when done right.
When we order things as they should, with God at the top of our priority list, the love is limitless. We don’t have to measure our love out to those around us. We don’t run out; our love doesn’t dry up. Quite the opposite, we are able to love more fully, wholly, and immensely, because we have tapped into the source of love–God. There is not an X amount of love in the world and when we’ve given it out, then it’s all gone. No, the beautiful thing about love is that the more we give away, the more we have to give away. It just keeps coming.
When I order my life with God at the top, I am able to love my husband more completely. This in turn allows me to love my children more completely. My marriage comes from God and through the love in our marriage came our children. It flows perfectly: From God, our marriage; from our marriage, our kids. Loving God first frees us to love in a deep, deep way. Our children come through the love in the marriage and it only makes sense that to keep the family happy, intact, and loving, the parents must make sure that they are loving each other well.
There has never been a family in the history of the world that has fallen apart when the spouses were both loving the other deeply, truly, and fully. There have been families–many in fact–that have fallen apart when the spouses neglected each other and focused all their love on their kids.
The point is that when someone says your marriage needs to take precedence over your other earthly relationships, they are not in anyway implying that you should love your kids less. No one is saying to completely ignore the young’uns and just stare into your spouses eyes all day. A healthy marriage, however, is more necessary, more essential to the well-being of all in the family.
But, what about single people and single mothers and fathers? No matter your situation in life, your relationship with God is the most important. Growing closer to God only helps you to love better all who cross your path. It helps you to offer a smile to a stranger, to say a kind word to the cashier, to help a co-worker who is feeling overwhelmed. We are commanded by God to love everyone, but how I show that love looks different depending on the closeness of my relationship with a certain person.
I often times get a feeling that people have a certain “pride” in saying that they love their kids more than their spouse. It is important to remember that kids desperately want their parents to love each other. They need to see that you do, because it gives them security and peace. Each month, my husband and I have date night and my two older children watch their younger brother. They never gripe or complain. In fact, my oldest told me that she loves seeing us go out on dates. The question is why? She loves it, because her foundation is her father and I. If we are broken, or teetering on shaky ground, our children will feel anxious, fearful, nervous, and doubtful of the state of the family.
I grew up with both my parents giving me and my siblings tons of attention and love. Sadly, they couldn’t find a way to love each other and I always ached for that. In fact, I wish in many ways, they would have put their effort into each other more than into us kids. My parents didn’t stay together and it is a truly difficult thing when your foundation breaks. I vowed in my heart that my kids would always be assured of my …
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I had a hunch that I was pregnant, but seeing that I was a young, unwed college student, I just wanted to live in a state of denial. Once the morning sickness really hit hard, there was no denying it anymore and I took a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it was positive. I was beyond scared. Here I was in my last year of college, I wasn’t married, and I had no true income coming in to support a baby. And what would my parents say? I walked out of the bathroom and showed the pregnancy test to my then boyfriend. A smile started to stretch across his face and all I could do was cry.
“Why are you smiling?” I asked him.
“I know you are scared, but I can’t be sad over a baby.” Then he hugged me and I bawled.
I do not condone the lifestyle I was living at the time. My boyfriend and I knew better. I would never prop up my story as one chalk full of moral character, but thankfully, Dustin and I were an anomaly in this circumstance. He didn’t leave me and, scared though we were, we never thought for one second that we wouldn’t bring this baby into the world.
It wasn’t easy being a pregnant college student. When I was about 5 months pregnant, my cousin invited us over to her house for a party. I felt odd going, but she insisted that everything would be fine. I found my most non-assuming maternity shirt and Dustin and I headed over. It was apparent pretty soon after arriving that it wasn’t cool to bring the pregnant lady to a college party. I was like the poster child of what could happen that night if you weren’t careful. There I was with my maternity shirt and my bottle of water and I’m pretty sure for everyone else it was like having a mom in the house. That was the last party we went to in college. Awkward.
Then one day in late April, when I was really pregnant, I was home by myself because Dustin had to go to an all-day ROTC field day. It was such a nice day that I decided to set myself up a little lounge chair in the front yard, catch a few rays, and read a good book. I put on some of Dustin’s shorts and a maternity shirt and settled myself in for a good read. As I was sitting there soaking up the sun, across the street, a group of college girls came filing out of the house. They were clad in their cute bikinis, while I was beached on a chair across the street. They laid out their towels and proceeded to enjoy their day. I watched them across the street and just couldn’t take it anymore. The tears started flowing and I waddled inside to feel sorry for myself. When Dustin got home from training, he saw that I’d been crying for hours and thought it was because he had been gone too long.
“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry you had to be here all by yourself all day.” he said as he tried to soothe me.
“No, no, it’s not you! It’s the girls across the street! They were laying outside in bikinis!” I stammered out.
A look of confusion went across his face. “The girls across the street were laying out in bikinis? Did they say something mean to you?”
“No! I’m just the blob across the street and they get to look all cute and not have a care in the world!”
He then understood and hugged me close reassuring me that I was beautiful and that I was carrying a baby and I didn’t look like a blob.
Then June 21, 2001 came. We didn’t know what we were having, but I was positive it was a boy. All my dreams had been about boys and I just had this feeling. My labor went relatively quickly and when I pushed for the last time, out came my Rhianna. My own beautiful baby girl. They laid her on my chest with all her dark hair and she raised her head up as if to look at me really well. I finally looked into the eyes of the little person that had been jabbing my ribs in all my classes and hiccuping late at night. My life was never the same.
Dustin and I were so young. I look at pictures of us with Rhianna after she was born and we were such babies. I had graduated, but Dustin still had one more year of school left. After we married, we moved into a slightly nicer apartment instead of living in the basement of someone else’s house. I didn’t want to put Rhianna in day care, so during the day I stayed home with her while Dustin went to school. Three nights a week, I worked as a waitress at a smokey steakhouse to make money for diapers and food. We lived literally on nothing. But, we were so happy and we were together.
A child will change you in many positive ways. They have this amazing capacity to grow your ability to love and sacrifice. They put into perspective what really matters. Rhianna had hand-me-down everything, but she didn’t care. We had no money to entertain her or ourselves, so we took lots of walks and visited lots of parks. I would take her on campus some days to visit her dad for lunch and it seemed as if we were the only married couple with a kid there, but I didn’t care anymore.
In many ways, I’m so thankful that we had Rhianna so young. I’m not happy we had her out of wedlock, but choices we make in this life are not always the best. Through our commitment to her we grew up and matured a lot. We had a new responsibility that was counting …
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]]>I had a hunch that I was pregnant, but seeing that I was a young, unwed college student, I just wanted to live in a state of denial. Once the morning sickness really hit hard, there was no denying it anymore and I took a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it was positive. I was beyond scared. Here I was in my last year of college, I wasn’t married, and I had no true income coming in to support a baby. And what would my parents say? I walked out of the bathroom and showed the pregnancy test to my then boyfriend. A smile started to stretch across his face and all I could do was cry.
“Why are you smiling?” I asked him.
“I know you are scared, but I can’t be sad over a baby.” Then he hugged me and I bawled.
I do not condone the lifestyle I was living at the time. My boyfriend and I knew better. I would never prop up my story as one chalk full of moral character, but thankfully, Dustin and I were an anomaly in this circumstance. He didn’t leave me and, scared though we were, we never thought for one second that we wouldn’t bring this baby into the world.
It wasn’t easy being a pregnant college student. When I was about 5 months pregnant, my cousin invited us over to her house for a party. I felt odd going, but she insisted that everything would be fine. I found my most non-assuming maternity shirt and Dustin and I headed over. It was apparent pretty soon after arriving that it wasn’t cool to bring the pregnant lady to a college party. I was like the poster child of what could happen that night if you weren’t careful. There I was with my maternity shirt and my bottle of water and I’m pretty sure for everyone else it was like having a mom in the house. That was the last party we went to in college. Awkward.
Then one day in late April, when I was really pregnant, I was home by myself because Dustin had to go to an all-day ROTC field day. It was such a nice day that I decided to set myself up a little lounge chair in the front yard, catch a few rays, and read a good book. I put on some of Dustin’s shorts and a maternity shirt and settled myself in for a good read. As I was sitting there soaking up the sun, across the street, a group of college girls came filing out of the house. They were clad in their cute bikinis, while I was beached on a chair across the street. They laid out their towels and proceeded to enjoy their day. I watched them across the street and just couldn’t take it anymore. The tears started flowing and I waddled inside to feel sorry for myself. When Dustin got home from training, he saw that I’d been crying for hours and thought it was because he had been gone too long.
“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry you had to be here all by yourself all day.” he said as he tried to soothe me.
“No, no, it’s not you! It’s the girls across the street! They were laying outside in bikinis!” I stammered out.
A look of confusion went across his face. “The girls across the street were laying out in bikinis? Did they say something mean to you?”
“No! I’m just the blob across the street and they get to look all cute and not have a care in the world!”
He then understood and hugged me close reassuring me that I was beautiful and that I was carrying a baby and I didn’t look like a blob.
Then June 21, 2001 came. We didn’t know what we were having, but I was positive it was a boy. All my dreams had been about boys and I just had this feeling. My labor went relatively quickly and when I pushed for the last time, out came my Rhianna. My own beautiful baby girl. They laid her on my chest with all her dark hair and she raised her head up as if to look at me really well. I finally looked into the eyes of the little person that had been jabbing my ribs in all my classes and hiccuping late at night. My life was never the same.
Dustin and I were so young. I look at pictures of us with Rhianna after she was born and we were such babies. I had graduated, but Dustin still had one more year of school left. After we married, we moved into a slightly nicer apartment instead of living in the basement of someone else’s house. I didn’t want to put Rhianna in day care, so during the day I stayed home with her while Dustin went to school. Three nights a week, I worked as a waitress at a smokey steakhouse to make money for diapers and food. We lived literally on nothing. But, we were so happy and we were together.
A child will change you in many positive ways. They have this amazing capacity to grow your ability to love and sacrifice. They put into perspective what really matters. Rhianna had hand-me-down everything, but she didn’t care. We had no money to entertain her or ourselves, so we took lots of walks and visited lots of parks. I would take her on campus some days to visit her dad for lunch and it seemed as if we were the only married couple with a kid there, but I didn’t care anymore.
In many ways, I’m so thankful that we had Rhianna so young. I’m not happy we had her out of wedlock, but choices we make in this life are not always the best. Through our commitment to her we grew up and matured a lot. We had a new responsibility that was counting …
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Recently, I heard a story about a guy who went on an anniversary vacation with his wife. They went to a beach location and the guy said, “I’m not gonna lie, I was looking. I was at a beach and my wife knows that guys look. She’s cool with it.”
To which my husband responded, “Really? How much better would she feel if you didn’t and focused only on her?”
The guy didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when spouses talk–even lust–out loud over someone other than their spouse. I cringe inside every single time, because it is such an unnecessary, hurtful thing to do. I cringe because there was a time when I had boyfriends who loudly and proudly ogled other women in my presence and it always made me feel the size of an ant. I never felt loved or special. In fact, my heart felt trampled and deflated.
Our spouses are entrusted to us and we are–along with God–the keepers of their hearts. It should be our goal, each and every day, to make our spouse feel and know our love. Will we always do this perfectly? No, of course not. However, I hear time and again people giving each other passes in the area of “checking out” other people.
The “boys will be boys” line doesn’t and shouldn’t fly. What a low bar of expectation. Yes, men are the more visual of the sexes, but this is not a free pass to dishonor one’s spouse at any moment. There is nothing more appealing than a man who knows how to discipline himself and who respects his wife by honoring her with this heart, mind and, yes, even his eyes. Ladies aren’t off the hook either. I’ve heard plenty of wives remark on their desire for this actor or that actor.
One common objection that I often hear is that one spouse will say, “Well, my spouse doesn’t really care if I look.”
Yes, they do. They care and they care deeply. There isn’t a spouse on earth that would rather their partner look and lust after someone other than them. They may say they don’t care, but they say this for three reasons.
- They’ve been yelled at about it. Whenever I would confront my boyfriends on their wandering eyes, they’d yell at me, berate me, and then do it all the more. I’d tell them that it hurt my feelings, but that mattered none. So, in time, I just stopped saying anything.
- They say this because they know that if they ask you to stop, you won’t. The pain of asking and be rejected feels worse than just simply going along and acting like “it doesn’t bother me.” It’s a defense response. It’s hard to tell your spouse that something they are doing is hurting you and they refuse to give it up. This doesn’t speak love at all.
- They are engaging in the same act and don’t want to stop. I’ve been around spouses where both of them will go on and on about their “dream sheet.” You know, the list of gorgeous people they would hook up with if they could. They say this right in front of each other and it almost becomes a contest to see who can out-ogle the other. I never walk away from those couples thinking, “Wow, there’s a solid, loving couple!”
When one “looks” (read checks out lustfully) at other people, especially when married, they are not looking because of a genuine interest in getting to know them as a person. They are doing just what that guy on his anniversary (ANNIVERSARY TRIP!) was doing–looking and imagining a sexual encounter with them. No one is saying, “Gee, I wonder if that guy enjoys reading mysterious novels or I wonder if she was a good student in high school?” Let’s not kid ourselves. When your spouse hears you speak openly about your desire for someone else, trust is broken, hearts are hurt, and desire leaves. In essence, you are telling your spouse, that they are not enough. Every spouse wants to be cherished, honored, and loved. It’s hard to look lovingly at your spouse when you are rubber-necking to try to get a look at the attractive person walking past.
So, your spouse tells you it’s okay. But, like my husband says, how much better would they feel if you told them that your eyes are only for them? They’d feel better. I assure you. If you are one of those spouses that says it’s okay, don’t give a pink slip to engage in this activity. It’s not okay and it flies in the face of marital love. Your kids don’t need to hear daddy talking about the “hotness” of the lady on the beach. Your kids don’t need to hear about how mom would jump in bed with Harrison Ford if given the chance. They need to see that love seeks to lift up the other. It doesn’t mean we have to walk around acting like everyone else but our spouses are hideous trolls. That’s unrealistic and silly. There’s a respectful way to comment on a person’s look when describing them and there’s a disrespectful way to do it where you come off like a hormonal teenager with no self-control.
Knowing that your spouse often checks out other people will quickly kill desire. All kinds of thoughts enter the mind.
“Am I good enough?”
“My body doesn’t look like hers. I’ve had three kids. When we are intimate does he think of her instead?”
“If they were left alone together would my wife be faithful?”
It’s natural to recognize a pretty or handsome face. It’s what we do once we see one that speaks a lot about the state of our heart. Do we entertain lustful thoughts? Or do we work to remove those thoughts and focus on our spouse and our love for them? My husband always says, “Our …
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Recently, I heard a story about a guy who went on an anniversary vacation with his wife. They went to a beach location and the guy said, “I’m not gonna lie, I was looking. I was at a beach and my wife knows that guys look. She’s cool with it.”
To which my husband responded, “Really? How much better would she feel if you didn’t and focused only on her?”
The guy didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when spouses talk–even lust–out loud over someone other than their spouse. I cringe inside every single time, because it is such an unnecessary, hurtful thing to do. I cringe because there was a time when I had boyfriends who loudly and proudly ogled other women in my presence and it always made me feel the size of an ant. I never felt loved or special. In fact, my heart felt trampled and deflated.
Our spouses are entrusted to us and we are–along with God–the keepers of their hearts. It should be our goal, each and every day, to make our spouse feel and know our love. Will we always do this perfectly? No, of course not. However, I hear time and again people giving each other passes in the area of “checking out” other people.
The “boys will be boys” line doesn’t and shouldn’t fly. What a low bar of expectation. Yes, men are the more visual of the sexes, but this is not a free pass to dishonor one’s spouse at any moment. There is nothing more appealing than a man who knows how to discipline himself and who respects his wife by honoring her with this heart, mind and, yes, even his eyes. Ladies aren’t off the hook either. I’ve heard plenty of wives remark on their desire for this actor or that actor.
One common objection that I often hear is that one spouse will say, “Well, my spouse doesn’t really care if I look.”
Yes, they do. They care and they care deeply. There isn’t a spouse on earth that would rather their partner look and lust after someone other than them. They may say they don’t care, but they say this for three reasons.
- They’ve been yelled at about it. Whenever I would confront my boyfriends on their wandering eyes, they’d yell at me, berate me, and then do it all the more. I’d tell them that it hurt my feelings, but that mattered none. So, in time, I just stopped saying anything.
- They say this because they know that if they ask you to stop, you won’t. The pain of asking and be rejected feels worse than just simply going along and acting like “it doesn’t bother me.” It’s a defense response. It’s hard to tell your spouse that something they are doing is hurting you and they refuse to give it up. This doesn’t speak love at all.
- They are engaging in the same act and don’t want to stop. I’ve been around spouses where both of them will go on and on about their “dream sheet.” You know, the list of gorgeous people they would hook up with if they could. They say this right in front of each other and it almost becomes a contest to see who can out-ogle the other. I never walk away from those couples thinking, “Wow, there’s a solid, loving couple!”
When one “looks” (read checks out lustfully) at other people, especially when married, they are not looking because of a genuine interest in getting to know them as a person. They are doing just what that guy on his anniversary (ANNIVERSARY TRIP!) was doing–looking and imagining a sexual encounter with them. No one is saying, “Gee, I wonder if that guy enjoys reading mysterious novels or I wonder if she was a good student in high school?” Let’s not kid ourselves. When your spouse hears you speak openly about your desire for someone else, trust is broken, hearts are hurt, and desire leaves. In essence, you are telling your spouse, that they are not enough. Every spouse wants to be cherished, honored, and loved. It’s hard to look lovingly at your spouse when you are rubber-necking to try to get a look at the attractive person walking past.
So, your spouse tells you it’s okay. But, like my husband says, how much better would they feel if you told them that your eyes are only for them? They’d feel better. I assure you. If you are one of those spouses that says it’s okay, don’t give a pink slip to engage in this activity. It’s not okay and it flies in the face of marital love. Your kids don’t need to hear daddy talking about the “hotness” of the lady on the beach. Your kids don’t need to hear about how mom would jump in bed with Harrison Ford if given the chance. They need to see that love seeks to lift up the other. It doesn’t mean we have to walk around acting like everyone else but our spouses are hideous trolls. That’s unrealistic and silly. There’s a respectful way to comment on a person’s look when describing them and there’s a disrespectful way to do it where you come off like a hormonal teenager with no self-control.
Knowing that your spouse often checks out other people will quickly kill desire. All kinds of thoughts enter the mind.
“Am I good enough?”
“My body doesn’t look like hers. I’ve had three kids. When we are intimate does he think of her instead?”
“If they were left alone together would my wife be faithful?”
It’s natural to recognize a pretty or handsome face. It’s what we do once we see one that speaks a lot about the state of our heart. Do we entertain lustful thoughts? Or do we work to remove those thoughts and focus on our spouse and our love for them? My husband always says, “Our …
The post My Spouse Doesn’t Care If I Look At Other People! I Promise You They Do. appeared first on .
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Here we are at the end of 2016. What a year it is has been! I thought for this last month, I’d do sort of a round-up of all my featured married couples throughout the year. I went through each of their answers and picked out my favorite quotes from both the wife and husband. I think there are some true pearls of wisdom with regards to marriage in what they have to say. I’ve loved interviewing these beautiful Christian couples and I’ve learned so much from reading their answers. Marriage is a sacrament and it is meant to draw us closer to Christ, help us become more like Christ, and give us the strength, patience, and grace to help others to Christ. I hope you’ve enjoyed these couples who have honestly shown us that marriage is messy, sacrificial, hard at times, but oh so beautiful.
(If you would like to read the full interview for each couple, click on their names.)
Dawn and Shawn–Married 17 Years
Dawn: Always listen to each other, keep calm, and bring God into your lives as soon as possible.
Shawn: There are times when you may want to give up and you will have to continue on and say “yes” for the true joy that awaits. Continually saying “yes” during difficult times is life changing in ways you could never imagine and can only be realized by looking back and reflecting. It is amazing how God reveals you to yourself through the continual “yes” of marriage.
John Paul and Annie–Married 4 Years
Annie: Marriage is about dying to oneself, serving others, serving God, becoming more Christ-like, and hopefully helping your spouse and children spend eternity in Heaven.
John Paul: Forgiveness and mercy. These are what we need from God, but we also must be like God in giving them to each other. We started early on in our marriage to make a point of asking for forgiveness from each other and giving forgiveness to each other. We do it out loud and sincerely. Sometimes it’s hard to be the one to ask for forgiveness, but it makes a huge difference in our marriage and it’s one important way we bring God’s mercy to our relationship.
Erin and Michael–Married 8 Years
Erin: God knew that I needed this man, these children, and the particular joys and sorrows of my marriage so far in order to keep growing me into the woman He created me to be.
Michael: We are meant to help one another get to Heaven, and to help the souls God may entrust to us (our children) get to Heaven, as well.
Ernest and Sarah–Married 13 years
Sarah: It is my calling to be a wife and mother. I am called to give my family my time, love, and care. I am called to love and respect my husband and support him while he supports our family. I am called to teach my children respect, the value of hard work, and that God is their number one priority.
Ernest: A common misconception about marriage is that it should be easy. No relationship is easy. All people are imperfect and make mistakes and when you are married you have to be able to accept and love that other person in spite of and, at times, because of their mistakes and imperfections. In marriage you have to choose to love that person everyday. Love is a choice.
Michael and Kim–Married 9 Years
Kim: It seems to me that many people believe that the goal of marriage is to be happy. I have found that the goal of marriage is to learn to love well.
Michael: Marriage removes selfishness from your heart. If you are married for the right reasons, you must resign your selfishness and put someone else first, and contrary to how it sounds, it is incredibly fulfilling. Being dedicated to your spouse to the point where they can count on you when they need you is an amazing feeling.
Sterling and Michael–Married 6 Years
Sterling: Marriage is like a mirror. I think we anticipated that living with another person and accepting their faults was going to be difficult. I’m not sure we knew how hard it was going to be to face our own faults.
Michael: No one will ever know you quite like your spouse. It’s a deeply personal and intimate relationship. It echoes the love of God because marriage is a sacrament. You receive graces (and you’ll need them) that help bring you closer to Jesus.
Vinnie and Lindsay–Married 1 Year
Lindsay: Society tries to warn you that if you don’t “play house” prior to marriage, you’re in for a rude awakening. That definitely has not been the case for us. Though we each have had to make some small adjustments, every day has been a huge blessing and an adventure together.
Vinnie: I love serving Lindsay. From the small to the large acts, this giving of myself brings about incredible fulfillment in life. She really is the light in my darkness, a great motivation, and teammate who supports me in all I am and do.
Yvette and Javier–Married 8 years
Yvette: Communication is very important in a marriage. Try to never assume that your spouse thinks like you. He is your lifetime partner and no one will ever know you as well as he does on an intimate and personal level. It’s important to talk about your feelings to help the relationship grow.
Javier: Keep the Lord in your lives on a daily basis. He provides so much that you have to keep Him close. Leverage His spirit when the times are hard or just when you all need guidance. Keep His teachings alive by sharing them with your kids. Say a prayer before eating together as a family. It isn’t always easy keeping the faith, but it helps more than words can say.
…
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]]>Here we are at the end of 2016. What a year it is has been! I thought for this last month, I’d do sort of a round-up of all my featured married couples throughout the year. I went through each of their answers and picked out my favorite quotes from both the wife and husband. I think there are some true pearls of wisdom with regards to marriage in what they have to say. I’ve loved interviewing these beautiful Christian couples and I’ve learned so much from reading their answers. Marriage is a sacrament and it is meant to draw us closer to Christ, help us become more like Christ, and give us the strength, patience, and grace to help others to Christ. I hope you’ve enjoyed these couples who have honestly shown us that marriage is messy, sacrificial, hard at times, but oh so beautiful.
(If you would like to read the full interview for each couple, click on their names.)
Dawn and Shawn–Married 17 Years
Dawn: Always listen to each other, keep calm, and bring God into your lives as soon as possible.
Shawn: There are times when you may want to give up and you will have to continue on and say “yes” for the true joy that awaits. Continually saying “yes” during difficult times is life changing in ways you could never imagine and can only be realized by looking back and reflecting. It is amazing how God reveals you to yourself through the continual “yes” of marriage.
John Paul and Annie–Married 4 Years
Annie: Marriage is about dying to oneself, serving others, serving God, becoming more Christ-like, and hopefully helping your spouse and children spend eternity in Heaven.
John Paul: Forgiveness and mercy. These are what we need from God, but we also must be like God in giving them to each other. We started early on in our marriage to make a point of asking for forgiveness from each other and giving forgiveness to each other. We do it out loud and sincerely. Sometimes it’s hard to be the one to ask for forgiveness, but it makes a huge difference in our marriage and it’s one important way we bring God’s mercy to our relationship.
Erin and Michael–Married 8 Years
Erin: God knew that I needed this man, these children, and the particular joys and sorrows of my marriage so far in order to keep growing me into the woman He created me to be.
Michael: We are meant to help one another get to Heaven, and to help the souls God may entrust to us (our children) get to Heaven, as well.
Ernest and Sarah–Married 13 years
Sarah: It is my calling to be a wife and mother. I am called to give my family my time, love, and care. I am called to love and respect my husband and support him while he supports our family. I am called to teach my children respect, the value of hard work, and that God is their number one priority.
Ernest: A common misconception about marriage is that it should be easy. No relationship is easy. All people are imperfect and make mistakes and when you are married you have to be able to accept and love that other person in spite of and, at times, because of their mistakes and imperfections. In marriage you have to choose to love that person everyday. Love is a choice.
Michael and Kim–Married 9 Years
Kim: It seems to me that many people believe that the goal of marriage is to be happy. I have found that the goal of marriage is to learn to love well.
Michael: Marriage removes selfishness from your heart. If you are married for the right reasons, you must resign your selfishness and put someone else first, and contrary to how it sounds, it is incredibly fulfilling. Being dedicated to your spouse to the point where they can count on you when they need you is an amazing feeling.
Sterling and Michael–Married 6 Years
Sterling: Marriage is like a mirror. I think we anticipated that living with another person and accepting their faults was going to be difficult. I’m not sure we knew how hard it was going to be to face our own faults.
Michael: No one will ever know you quite like your spouse. It’s a deeply personal and intimate relationship. It echoes the love of God because marriage is a sacrament. You receive graces (and you’ll need them) that help bring you closer to Jesus.
Vinnie and Lindsay–Married 1 Year
Lindsay: Society tries to warn you that if you don’t “play house” prior to marriage, you’re in for a rude awakening. That definitely has not been the case for us. Though we each have had to make some small adjustments, every day has been a huge blessing and an adventure together.
Vinnie: I love serving Lindsay. From the small to the large acts, this giving of myself brings about incredible fulfillment in life. She really is the light in my darkness, a great motivation, and teammate who supports me in all I am and do.
Yvette and Javier–Married 8 years
Yvette: Communication is very important in a marriage. Try to never assume that your spouse thinks like you. He is your lifetime partner and no one will ever know you as well as he does on an intimate and personal level. It’s important to talk about your feelings to help the relationship grow.
Javier: Keep the Lord in your lives on a daily basis. He provides so much that you have to keep Him close. Leverage His spirit when the times are hard or just when you all need guidance. Keep His teachings alive by sharing them with your kids. Say a prayer before eating together as a family. It isn’t always easy keeping the faith, but it helps more than words can say.
…
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There are many things in the Bible that cause a lot of emotions in me. Sadness, gratitude, awe, devotion, immense love, confusion, and, sometimes, anger are all emotions I have felt when reading different passages. There is one thing in the Bible, however, that almost always gives me heart palpitations when I read it. I get a lump in my throat. It can even bring tears to my eyes.
In Matthew 22:24-30, the Sadducees pose a question to Jesus about a woman being married to seven different men, all at different times. They want to know who she will be married to in heaven when she dies. Jesus answers:
“At the resurrection, they neither marry nor are given in marriage but are like the angels in heaven.”
Most of my heart screams out, “Noooooooooo!!!! Jesus, what are you saying? Are you trying to crush my heart?”
Here’s the thing: I’m madly, deeply in love with my husband and I just can’t imagine not being married to him in Heaven. I just cannot imagine it. What do Jesus’ words mean? When I get to Heaven and I see Dustin am I going to just pass by him and say, “Hey, what’s up?” Like we were never one? Here come those heart palpitations again.
I have thought about this a lot…a….lot. Here’s how my thoughts go.
“Jesus was just kidding, right? Right? RIGHT?!”
“Jesus didn’t mean that like it came out.” Lord have mercy on me because I’m telling God He didn’t really mean what He said.
“Marriage has a different name in Heaven. It’s called…it’s called…well, it’s called marreaven. Get it? Marriage and Heaven combined.” I was reaching here–really reaching.
The reality is, is that I have to take Christ at His words. He says there is no marriage in Heaven and I have to believe Him. When I calm down enough to think about it, I know it must be true because of what marriage means here on earth. Marriage is a sacrament where a man and woman join together to become one flesh. The purpose of marriage is to love each other as Christ loves us. We are to help our spouse get to Heaven and when marriage is done right, it can sanctify us. Marriage should mirror the love that Christ has for his Church. Many times the Church is referred to as the bride, Christ is the bridegroom. Marriage mirrors that–or at least it should. Marriage also is to bring about new life. It is where new souls are created through the love of a man and woman.
When I think about it, well, neither one of these things are needed in Heaven. In Heaven, you don’t need a sacrament to mirror anything, because sacraments are things that point towards and guide us to Christ. Sacraments would be pointless in Heaven because all the angels and Saints there get it. They get it, because, well…they’re there. Also, in Heaven, babies aren’t being born; there is no labor and delivery room. Basically, in Heaven, there is no need for marriage anymore. So, what does this mean?
You know, I don’t know. Nobody does. What I do know is that Heaven is better than anything I can imagine. In my limited human mind, the best I can come up with for me and my husband is marriage in Heaven. I wonder, though, if that oneness Dustin and I experience here on earth is magnified and more glorious in Heaven. I wonder…
What’s important for me to remember is that while I want and like the idea of Dustin and I still being married in Heaven, Jesus says that it’s not like that there. I can’t just ignore Christ’s words and go along with my own made-up version of what I think it will be like. When I do that I set my marriage up as an idol, which I must never do. I must trust that Christ will give Dustin and me something even better than what we’ve experienced in this life. I must trust that Dustin and I will know each other in Heaven and that the love we shared on earth will be even greater in Heaven. Earth has its limits: It has sadness, frustration, annoyance, arguing, selfishness, failings and faults. Those things won’t be in Heaven, which will hopefully allow Dustin and I to experience our love in an even more fulfilling, joyful way.
God bound Dustin and me on our wedding day in a way that only God can bind us–supernaturally. We are not allowed to break that bond in this earthly life, I can’t imagine God would make us unknown to each other in Heaven. I trust that what awaits us there is greater than my human mind can imagine.
…
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]]>There are many things in the Bible that cause a lot of emotions in me. Sadness, gratitude, awe, devotion, immense love, confusion, and, sometimes, anger are all emotions I have felt when reading different passages. There is one thing in the Bible, however, that almost always gives me heart palpitations when I read it. I get a lump in my throat. It can even bring tears to my eyes.
In Matthew 22:24-30, the Sadducees pose a question to Jesus about a woman being married to seven different men, all at different times. They want to know who she will be married to in heaven when she dies. Jesus answers:
“At the resurrection, they neither marry nor are given in marriage but are like the angels in heaven.”
Most of my heart screams out, “Noooooooooo!!!! Jesus, what are you saying? Are you trying to crush my heart?”
Here’s the thing: I’m madly, deeply in love with my husband and I just can’t imagine not being married to him in Heaven. I just cannot imagine it. What do Jesus’ words mean? When I get to Heaven and I see Dustin am I going to just pass by him and say, “Hey, what’s up?” Like we were never one? Here come those heart palpitations again.
I have thought about this a lot…a….lot. Here’s how my thoughts go.
“Jesus was just kidding, right? Right? RIGHT?!”
“Jesus didn’t mean that like it came out.” Lord have mercy on me because I’m telling God He didn’t really mean what He said.
“Marriage has a different name in Heaven. It’s called…it’s called…well, it’s called marreaven. Get it? Marriage and Heaven combined.” I was reaching here–really reaching.
The reality is, is that I have to take Christ at His words. He says there is no marriage in Heaven and I have to believe Him. When I calm down enough to think about it, I know it must be true because of what marriage means here on earth. Marriage is a sacrament where a man and woman join together to become one flesh. The purpose of marriage is to love each other as Christ loves us. We are to help our spouse get to Heaven and when marriage is done right, it can sanctify us. Marriage should mirror the love that Christ has for his Church. Many times the Church is referred to as the bride, Christ is the bridegroom. Marriage mirrors that–or at least it should. Marriage also is to bring about new life. It is where new souls are created through the love of a man and woman.
When I think about it, well, neither one of these things are needed in Heaven. In Heaven, you don’t need a sacrament to mirror anything, because sacraments are things that point towards and guide us to Christ. Sacraments would be pointless in Heaven because all the angels and Saints there get it. They get it, because, well…they’re there. Also, in Heaven, babies aren’t being born; there is no labor and delivery room. Basically, in Heaven, there is no need for marriage anymore. So, what does this mean?
You know, I don’t know. Nobody does. What I do know is that Heaven is better than anything I can imagine. In my limited human mind, the best I can come up with for me and my husband is marriage in Heaven. I wonder, though, if that oneness Dustin and I experience here on earth is magnified and more glorious in Heaven. I wonder…
What’s important for me to remember is that while I want and like the idea of Dustin and I still being married in Heaven, Jesus says that it’s not like that there. I can’t just ignore Christ’s words and go along with my own made-up version of what I think it will be like. When I do that I set my marriage up as an idol, which I must never do. I must trust that Christ will give Dustin and me something even better than what we’ve experienced in this life. I must trust that Dustin and I will know each other in Heaven and that the love we shared on earth will be even greater in Heaven. Earth has its limits: It has sadness, frustration, annoyance, arguing, selfishness, failings and faults. Those things won’t be in Heaven, which will hopefully allow Dustin and I to experience our love in an even more fulfilling, joyful way.
God bound Dustin and me on our wedding day in a way that only God can bind us–supernaturally. We are not allowed to break that bond in this earthly life, I can’t imagine God would make us unknown to each other in Heaven. I trust that what awaits us there is greater than my human mind can imagine.
…
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July’s Featured Married Couple is Ernest and Sarah. I met them while we were stationed together at Edwards AFB and now we are stationed together again. Small world…even smaller Air Force. They are a beautiful couple that have been married for 13 years. They met at the Air Force Academy and married three days after graduating from there. They both serve their country, but they also serve the Church by reaching out to married couples through Marriage Encounter. You can just tell that they understand what it takes to be married and they want to share their joy with others. Ernest and Sarah have three amazing kids: Eve (11), Glory (10), and Ernesto (7). Their answers on marriage are extremely touching and definitely ones to take to heart.
What did you do on your first date?
Sarah–We hung out a lot on the Academy grounds when we started dating, but our first real date was to Carrabas. We were sophomores and couldn’t have our own car so it took a little while before we found someone willing to lend us their car for a date. Our time spent together at this time revolved around a lot of in depth discussions trying to get to know one another on a deeper level.
We met the first day of college and had rooms right next door to each other. The first day, Ernest and his roommate came over to say “Hi!” Over the next couple weeks, because our rooms were close we hung out quite a bit. Ernest was shy, but I could tell right away that he was very intelligent. I thought that he was cute even with the buzz cut that all freshmen boys got. But what really made me look at him more than any other guy at school was his love for his family and his interest in mine. My family was then, and always has been, one of my highest priorities and it was refreshing to get to know someone who held that same priority.
Ernest–Sarah and I started out as just friends. As we hung out more, I was attracted to her energy and how much fun she was. As we got closer, I could tell how much she cared for others, much more than herself. She was extremely selfless and compassionate, and those were inspiring qualities for me–traits that I wish I had.
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Ernest–For me, the most surprising thing about marriage is how our relationship, our attitudes, even different aspects of ourselves have changed over time. I love Sarah in a much different way than when we started out. For one, I love her more than when we got married, which is a real shock for me. I love different things about her. She’s still selfless and deeply connected with God, but I love how she tries to be a better mom and wife everyday. I love how she’s raised our kids to behave and more importantly, to know God. I see a lot of great qualities in our kids that I know are inherited or learned from her.
In your opinion, what is the hardest thing about marriage?
Ernest and Sarah–The hardest thing about marriage that we have seen is communication. It is essential to everything you do as a couple. It is almost impossible to meld two people’s thoughts, plans, and desires into one so the two of you can be one team. In order to do this we must communicate clearly to one another. Communication comes in many different forms. We have learned over time to change the ways we communicate. For example, the way we fight has changed. We still have disagreements about many of the same subjects; how to raise our kids or spending money. The difference is that now we can mostly discuss these topics from different perspectives but still part of the same team. We’ve also learned that it’s important to communicate beyond the superficial conversations. When we started having kids and were both working, we’d go weeks where the only things we said to each other was what we needed to get by. For example, like who was taking the kids to school, what was for dinner, or when would we be getting home. We didn’t talk about if someone was frustrated by work, exhausted by our schedule, or felt lonely or isolated from the other. We’ve learned that it’s important to discuss our feelings with each other everyday.
What do you believe is the purpose of marriage?
We believe that marriage is a sacrament. In accepting this sacrament, we chose to live our lives together building a family and raising our children to know and respect God.
Sarah–It is my calling to be a wife and mother. I am called to give my family my time, love, and care. I am called to love and respect my husband and support him while he supports our family. I am called to teach my children respect, the value of hard work, and that God is their number one priority.
Ernest–It’s my calling to be a good husband and father–to be an example of God’s love for my family. In different ways, I sacrifice my own comfort or wants to make sure Sarah and our kids know they are loved and that they will be taken care of. I guess this is a pretty big question; there’s a lot I could say here. I guess my purpose in marriage encapsulates almost everything I do and why I do it.
How do you incorporate God into your marriage?
Ernest and Sarah–God is part of every day of our lives. As a family we pray at meals and before bed. We read the Bible as a family. Every Sunday we go to church as a family. We enjoy this time with our children; it is refreshing and peaceful to sit together at church. Our children …
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]]>July’s Featured Married Couple is Ernest and Sarah. I met them while we were stationed together at Edwards AFB and now we are stationed together again. Small world…even smaller Air Force. They are a beautiful couple that have been married for 13 years. They met at the Air Force Academy and married three days after graduating from there. They both serve their country, but they also serve the Church by reaching out to married couples through Marriage Encounter. You can just tell that they understand what it takes to be married and they want to share their joy with others. Ernest and Sarah have three amazing kids: Eve (11), Glory (10), and Ernesto (7). Their answers on marriage are extremely touching and definitely ones to take to heart.
What did you do on your first date?
Sarah–We hung out a lot on the Academy grounds when we started dating, but our first real date was to Carrabas. We were sophomores and couldn’t have our own car so it took a little while before we found someone willing to lend us their car for a date. Our time spent together at this time revolved around a lot of in depth discussions trying to get to know one another on a deeper level.
We met the first day of college and had rooms right next door to each other. The first day, Ernest and his roommate came over to say “Hi!” Over the next couple weeks, because our rooms were close we hung out quite a bit. Ernest was shy, but I could tell right away that he was very intelligent. I thought that he was cute even with the buzz cut that all freshmen boys got. But what really made me look at him more than any other guy at school was his love for his family and his interest in mine. My family was then, and always has been, one of my highest priorities and it was refreshing to get to know someone who held that same priority.
Ernest–Sarah and I started out as just friends. As we hung out more, I was attracted to her energy and how much fun she was. As we got closer, I could tell how much she cared for others, much more than herself. She was extremely selfless and compassionate, and those were inspiring qualities for me–traits that I wish I had.
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Ernest–For me, the most surprising thing about marriage is how our relationship, our attitudes, even different aspects of ourselves have changed over time. I love Sarah in a much different way than when we started out. For one, I love her more than when we got married, which is a real shock for me. I love different things about her. She’s still selfless and deeply connected with God, but I love how she tries to be a better mom and wife everyday. I love how she’s raised our kids to behave and more importantly, to know God. I see a lot of great qualities in our kids that I know are inherited or learned from her.
In your opinion, what is the hardest thing about marriage?
Ernest and Sarah–The hardest thing about marriage that we have seen is communication. It is essential to everything you do as a couple. It is almost impossible to meld two people’s thoughts, plans, and desires into one so the two of you can be one team. In order to do this we must communicate clearly to one another. Communication comes in many different forms. We have learned over time to change the ways we communicate. For example, the way we fight has changed. We still have disagreements about many of the same subjects; how to raise our kids or spending money. The difference is that now we can mostly discuss these topics from different perspectives but still part of the same team. We’ve also learned that it’s important to communicate beyond the superficial conversations. When we started having kids and were both working, we’d go weeks where the only things we said to each other was what we needed to get by. For example, like who was taking the kids to school, what was for dinner, or when would we be getting home. We didn’t talk about if someone was frustrated by work, exhausted by our schedule, or felt lonely or isolated from the other. We’ve learned that it’s important to discuss our feelings with each other everyday.
What do you believe is the purpose of marriage?
We believe that marriage is a sacrament. In accepting this sacrament, we chose to live our lives together building a family and raising our children to know and respect God.
Sarah–It is my calling to be a wife and mother. I am called to give my family my time, love, and care. I am called to love and respect my husband and support him while he supports our family. I am called to teach my children respect, the value of hard work, and that God is their number one priority.
Ernest–It’s my calling to be a good husband and father–to be an example of God’s love for my family. In different ways, I sacrifice my own comfort or wants to make sure Sarah and our kids know they are loved and that they will be taken care of. I guess this is a pretty big question; there’s a lot I could say here. I guess my purpose in marriage encapsulates almost everything I do and why I do it.
How do you incorporate God into your marriage?
Ernest and Sarah–God is part of every day of our lives. As a family we pray at meals and before bed. We read the Bible as a family. Every Sunday we go to church as a family. We enjoy this time with our children; it is refreshing and peaceful to sit together at church. Our children …
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June’s Featured Married Couple of the Month is Erin and Michael from Louisiana. Like last month’s couple, I have never met them, but I follow Erin’s blog and have truly enjoyed reading her thoughts. I first came across a blog of hers written on miscarriage and I could relate on so many levels. Erin blogs over at the Humble Handmaid and does podcasts, which I highly recommend checking out. Michael is a mechanical engineer working in chemical plants along the Mississippi River. Erin and Michael will celebrate their 8th anniversary this August. They have three children on earth, a boy and two girls, one child already in Heaven, and a baby boy on the way. I love their honest, open answers and so without further ado….Erin and Michael.
What did you do for your first date?
Erin–We were working as camp counselors at Camps Kahdalea and Chosatonga in Brevard, North Carolina. Michael picked me up from Kahdalea (the girls’ camp) and took me out for nice dinner at the Jordan Street Café in Brevard. After dinner, we went to Dolly’s, this super-popular local ice cream shack. Some other counselors on their day off called us during dinner to ask if we wanted to go sleep under the stars that night with them on Black Balsalm, a gorgeous flat-topped mountain near camp. We decided to go, and Michael gallantly carried all of my gear all the way up the mountain (in the dark!). Despite the fact that I got lost for a while in the middle of the night when my flashlight went out while I was answering the call of nature a ways away from the campsite, we had a great time.
Michael–I thought our first date was both our first and last date, since Erin got lost that night when we were camping with our friends!
Erin, what initially attracted you to Michael? Michael, what initially attracted you to Erin?
Erin–What initially attracted me to Michael was his fun and outgoing personality. He is a natural leader, and he was always at the center of whatever fun activity or conversation was going on. I also thought he was cute. He is almost five years older than I am, though, so I honestly didn’t think he’d take a second look at me. (I ended up being very wrong about that!)
Michael–I could immediately tell what a genuinely sweet and kind person Erin was. All of the counselors at camp went on a training overnight campout at a site near the camp. Erin and I ended up in the same group sleeping all together under the stars that night, and the two of us stayed up late having an amazing conversation. I couldn’t see her in the dark, but it was that night that I started to fall in love with her as a person.
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Erin–As an engaged couple trying hard to “prepare” for marriage, you think you’re automatically going to have a great marriage right off the bat. There are so many ways you have to grow up and grow together as a married couple, and learn some things the hard way.
Michael–How selfless you have to be.
If you could go back and talk to your newlywed selves, what would you say?
Erin–I honestly don’t have any regrets about my newlywed years! There is so much about marriage that you have to learn along the way, no matter how well you “prepare” for marriage!
I don’t think that anyone can say they have discerned God’s will perfectly in every decision of their lives, but Michael and I surely have tried to do that individually and as a married couple since the get-go. At some point, you have to rest in that. Even if you mess up, and even if your life seems to take crazy twists and turns, God can work it all together for our good. And sometimes those twists and turns are exactly what we were supposed to go through!
Michael and I have been through some difficult things—injuries, family troubles, miscarriage, job insecurity, several moves, painful relationship struggles, and severe financial trouble. I think that I have always tried to trust God and pray that way, too, because I knew that’s how I should be praying, but now that we are on the other side of many difficult things that I once prayed about, I wish I could go back and tell my earlier self, “It’s all true! God will work all things together for your good. Just wait—for God’s will, God’s way, and God’s time.”
Michael–I would talk to my earlier self about how important a strong personal prayer life is to marriage. I would also advise us to be a little more frugal early on in our marriage, especially saving more, to help prepare for when Erin quit working to stay home with our kids.
What has been one of the hardest things about marriage, in your opinion?
Erin– NFP (Natural Family Planning) and intimacy in general has been a big struggle for us in the past. I know we haven’t been alone in that—there are so many factors that can make that part of marriage complicated for many of us! But God has been amazingly generous to us in healing us individually and really moving us forward from that struggle to a really good place I never thought we’d get to.
Another hard thing about marriage has been learning how to work together with my husband on the “project” of our life together. We both like to be in control of projects that are important to us, but we have extremely different personalities, different weaknesses and strengths, different ways of coping with stress, and different ways of planning. We have had to learn how to respect one another’s feelings and ways of doing things.
Michael–I think that one of the hardest areas of our marriage has been intimacy and using NFP at different …
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]]>June’s Featured Married Couple of the Month is Erin and Michael from Louisiana. Like last month’s couple, I have never met them, but I follow Erin’s blog and have truly enjoyed reading her thoughts. I first came across a blog of hers written on miscarriage and I could relate on so many levels. Erin blogs over at the Humble Handmaid and does podcasts, which I highly recommend checking out. Michael is a mechanical engineer working in chemical plants along the Mississippi River. Erin and Michael will celebrate their 8th anniversary this August. They have three children on earth, a boy and two girls, one child already in Heaven, and a baby boy on the way. I love their honest, open answers and so without further ado….Erin and Michael.
What did you do for your first date?
Erin–We were working as camp counselors at Camps Kahdalea and Chosatonga in Brevard, North Carolina. Michael picked me up from Kahdalea (the girls’ camp) and took me out for nice dinner at the Jordan Street Café in Brevard. After dinner, we went to Dolly’s, this super-popular local ice cream shack. Some other counselors on their day off called us during dinner to ask if we wanted to go sleep under the stars that night with them on Black Balsalm, a gorgeous flat-topped mountain near camp. We decided to go, and Michael gallantly carried all of my gear all the way up the mountain (in the dark!). Despite the fact that I got lost for a while in the middle of the night when my flashlight went out while I was answering the call of nature a ways away from the campsite, we had a great time.
Michael–I thought our first date was both our first and last date, since Erin got lost that night when we were camping with our friends!
Erin, what initially attracted you to Michael? Michael, what initially attracted you to Erin?
Erin–What initially attracted me to Michael was his fun and outgoing personality. He is a natural leader, and he was always at the center of whatever fun activity or conversation was going on. I also thought he was cute. He is almost five years older than I am, though, so I honestly didn’t think he’d take a second look at me. (I ended up being very wrong about that!)
Michael–I could immediately tell what a genuinely sweet and kind person Erin was. All of the counselors at camp went on a training overnight campout at a site near the camp. Erin and I ended up in the same group sleeping all together under the stars that night, and the two of us stayed up late having an amazing conversation. I couldn’t see her in the dark, but it was that night that I started to fall in love with her as a person.
What has been the most surprising thing about marriage?
Erin–As an engaged couple trying hard to “prepare” for marriage, you think you’re automatically going to have a great marriage right off the bat. There are so many ways you have to grow up and grow together as a married couple, and learn some things the hard way.
Michael–How selfless you have to be.
If you could go back and talk to your newlywed selves, what would you say?
Erin–I honestly don’t have any regrets about my newlywed years! There is so much about marriage that you have to learn along the way, no matter how well you “prepare” for marriage!
I don’t think that anyone can say they have discerned God’s will perfectly in every decision of their lives, but Michael and I surely have tried to do that individually and as a married couple since the get-go. At some point, you have to rest in that. Even if you mess up, and even if your life seems to take crazy twists and turns, God can work it all together for our good. And sometimes those twists and turns are exactly what we were supposed to go through!
Michael and I have been through some difficult things—injuries, family troubles, miscarriage, job insecurity, several moves, painful relationship struggles, and severe financial trouble. I think that I have always tried to trust God and pray that way, too, because I knew that’s how I should be praying, but now that we are on the other side of many difficult things that I once prayed about, I wish I could go back and tell my earlier self, “It’s all true! God will work all things together for your good. Just wait—for God’s will, God’s way, and God’s time.”
Michael–I would talk to my earlier self about how important a strong personal prayer life is to marriage. I would also advise us to be a little more frugal early on in our marriage, especially saving more, to help prepare for when Erin quit working to stay home with our kids.
What has been one of the hardest things about marriage, in your opinion?
Erin– NFP (Natural Family Planning) and intimacy in general has been a big struggle for us in the past. I know we haven’t been alone in that—there are so many factors that can make that part of marriage complicated for many of us! But God has been amazingly generous to us in healing us individually and really moving us forward from that struggle to a really good place I never thought we’d get to.
Another hard thing about marriage has been learning how to work together with my husband on the “project” of our life together. We both like to be in control of projects that are important to us, but we have extremely different personalities, different weaknesses and strengths, different ways of coping with stress, and different ways of planning. We have had to learn how to respect one another’s feelings and ways of doing things.
Michael–I think that one of the hardest areas of our marriage has been intimacy and using NFP at different …
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