husband Archives -

Help! My Marriage Has “Lost That Loving Feeling!”

Recently, I’ve had a lot of people private message me about their marriages. They are writing about marriages that have lost affection, ones that are void of love, and marriages that are teetering over the edge of a cliff poised to fall into destruction. It’s heartbreaking. There is a real and true pain that comes from a marriage that seems destined to fail. I know that hurt because I am the child of divorced parents and it’s a heartbreak that never fully heals.

It’s getting to the point in my life where a lot of people my age are starting to get divorced. Within the past couple of years, many couples that I know have called it quits or are living in marriages that are barely hanging on. What I’ve noticed is that the problems usually revolve around a few specific issues: Lack of proper communication, no effort, preoccupation with kids, and an expectation for the other person to always do the changing. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but they are the ones that come up most often. I plan on addressing these topics starting with the last one first.

A disclaimer: I realize that some marriages are filled with abuse or addiction or both. I’m not saying that you must stick it out in a dangerous marriage. Sometimes it is necessary to leave for the safety of you and your children. I’m speaking in this blog of marriages that are lackluster, lacking connection, or have faded into two people living in the same house, but that aren’t loving each other well.

THEY NEED TO CHANGE

Have you ever talked to a divorced person? I’m sure you have. Ever notice how when they talk about the downfall of their marriage it is ALWAYS the other person’s fault. The person you are talking to will give you a whole laundry list about how awful and impossible the other person was to deal with on a daily basis. You’ll hear all the juicy details and end up thinking that this person they are describing is an absolute monster. And yet…

I’ve learned a few things in life and one of them is this: Nobody likes to self-reflect and see where they need to change, myself included. And everybody likes to heap all blame on others and expect–DEMAND–them to change. Rarely is there ever a marriage where 100% of the problems can be set upon the shoulders of one. Relationships involve broken, faulty people. To think that we are perfect like a red, red rose is unhealthy and untrue. We ALL have annoying habits, faults, failings, and things we need to work on. If we are demanding others to change, we must demand the same standard for ourselves. In fact, demanding anyone to change will often be a recipe for disaster. All we can do is control ourselves and make sure that we are doing all that we can to be a good and loving spouse.

I’ve met a few people in my life who were willing to look at themselves and see how they contributed to the destruction of their marriage, but this is rare. A good practice to put into play is to periodically ask your spouse if there is anything that you can work on. On the flip side of this, if your spouse asks you, be honest. Tell them if there is something you see that could help them become better. Say it gently and with the purpose of loving correction, not spiteful criticism.

PREOCCUPATION WITH KIDS

I always have to preface this topic by first saying that I’m not encouraging you to neglect your kids. For some reason, when people hear “make your marriage a priority” they translate that into “NEGLECT YOUR KIDS!” You and your spouse are the foundation of your family. No foundation, no family. It is imperative that you and your spouse take time to focus on each other as romantic partners and not just parents. Too often, married couples are great at parenting, but lousy in the spousal department. These spouses have noble intentions, but remember, your kids need to know that you are a solid foundation. By only focusing on your kids and what’s best for them you could unintentionally leave them with a broken home. This isn’t what is best for your kids. What is best for your kids is to see mom and dad love each other. I wrote a whole blog on this that you can read here.

In my life, I’ve had numerous people say to me that it was best for them to break up because their kids didn’t need to see mom and dad fighting all the time. Then they will go on to tell me that since their break-up they are a super great parenting duo and they are great friends now. As a child of divorced parents, let me say that the absolute best thing for your kids is for mom and dad to learn to be great friends in their marriage instead of after it’s broken apart. If you can be great friends after divorce, you obviously have it in you to do it. Usually, they become great friends because all expectations are dropped. They aren’t expecting the other person to be a perfect spouse any longer and nobody is expecting them to be perfect. Baring the marriage isn’t toxic from abuse or addiction, what kids really need is mom and dad under one roof doing what it takes to save their marriage.

NO EFFORT

It is easy after the honeymoon period wears off to just settle into stability mode. I understand that kids, chores, bills, work, and outside commitments make it very hard to find loads of time to focus on your marriage. However, your relationship with your spouse is THE most important relationship you have with an earthly person. Your kids will move up and on and their families will take precedence over mom and dad. It’s very common for a …

Your Marriage Isn’t a Business Contract, It’s A Sacred Covenant

My husband and I started dating the 2nd semester of our junior year of college. We were first friends and I’d been to his house before, but I’d never seen his bedroom. He lived in a house with one other guy and it was a typical college bachelor pad. The first time I went into his bedroom, though, my reaction was this–

I looked around his tiny room and it was clear that a homemaker he was not. His socks were stiff and were walking around. I’m fairly certain they could talk. There were bowls of something mysterious sitting on his desk that looked like he was conducting a science experiment on bacteria. I’m a neat freak so my fingers started to tingle with the desire to clean up. I had daydreams of myself cleaning it up spic-and-span and then shouting, “I have exorcised the demons! This room is clear!”

I knew going into our relationship that my husband was not a man that was going to pick out curtains, fluff pillows, spruce up the couch (I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know what it means to spruce), or concern himself with organizing much of anything within the home. But, I wasn’t looking to marry an interior decorator/maid. I’m sure my cleanliness can drive him crazy at times, because I operate under the rule of “a place for everything and everything in its place.”

When we were first together, we also had epic debates on…Mayo vs. Miracle Whip, butter vs. margarine, and other such things. We’d each grown up using different foods with our families and when we came together as husband and wife, one of us had to relinquish. This was serious stuff, mind you. We each defended our favorite condiment with a spirit of true passion. In the end, I gave into him, and to this day we eat Mayo and butter. For real, though, it was hard to give up the tangy goodness of Miracle Whip, but in the name of marital love, I did it for him.

Dustin has also had to learn to quell many dramatic episodes in our married life. I’m dramatic, I’ll admit it, and sometimes I get worked up and phone calls to his work have to be made. Often times, these phone calls are made in a state of tears and panic, but, dang it, stuff happens! Sometimes there is an evil spider positioning itself on the ceiling in just a way so as to drop on your head, thereby proceeding to suck all your blood and leave you for dead. Sometimes, your stupid eye doctor hints that you might have an aneurism and then casually says, “But, we’ll just wait and see how things go.” WHAT?! All that being said, I do realize that Dustin has to deal with my throws of excitement and he handles it so well. If he rolls his eyes at me, he does it behind my back. Except he does roll his eyes over the spider thing, but I’m not backing down from that. It’s real, true, and totally rational.

Then there is my husband’s phone screen, which nearly sends me into convulsions. Does he not see them? How does he function in a world where there are red numbers on his screen?! I have to look away.

To be fair, Dustin has to deal with my hyper-critical passenger seat driving comments. I get great anxiety when he drives over 70, so most of the time, I’m “encouraging” him to slow down.

“Amy, I can’t drive 20mph under the speed limit. It’s not safe.”

“Just drive a little under. That will make me feel better.”

“I am driving under. We’re practically at a stand still.”

“I see no problem with that.”

Poor Dustin probably feels like he’s driving Miss Daisy around.

If you are looking to marry someone who is perfect, you will die looking. Every human being has things about them that are weird, annoying, irksome, or downright frustrating. Men spend exorbitant amounts of time going to the bathroom. The reason why is a mystery to the female race. Men have to weather the storm a couple of days a month when women turn into this–

It’s popular in our culture today to say that marriage is just a contract between two adults. It’s not just a contract, though, it’s a vow, a covenant, a promise. A contract is a deal you make between two people who agree to do something for each other. Let’s say you hire a person to build a deck for you. You sign a contract. They agree to build you a deck, you agree to pay them if they do what they say. It works in the business world.

Marriage isn’t a business, though, and who really ever enters it wanting it to be handled that way? Talk about killing the romance from the get-go! No, marriage is a covenant that we enter into where we promise to love this person as unconditionally as possible. The sacramental grace of marriage helps us do this. A contract would say, “Well, we’ll stay together as long as you do this for me and don’t annoy me too much. To add to that, you need to just put up with everything I dish out.” A lot of marriages do operate this way and it’s a huge reason why we have broken families littering the landscape. A vow is binding. A contract is contingent. Love is not real love if it’s contingent. It says more about us than others if we dole out our love only if the other person pleases us all the time.

There are certain aspects of our spouse’s behavior that we should encourage them to change if it is sinful. We are, after all, caretakers of their soul and if we really want them to be with us in heaven, we need to guide them to betterment. It’s important to remember, though, that serious character flaws are not the same …

The Fear of Being Replaced in Your Spouse’s Heart

When I was a teenager, I watched Braveheart for the first time. In the beginning, William Wallace (played by Mel Gibson) falls in love with a beautiful peasant girl, Murron. Early on, the two lovers are sitting on a hill and the way that William talks to her and looks at her sure makes a girl swoon. I’m not going to go into everything about the story, but William has to marry Murron in secret so as not to have to share her with an English noble on their wedding night. William is Scottish and, as you see in the story, the English nobles take newlywed Scottish brides away to rape them and then give them back once they are finished.

My favorite part is when they are reciting their vows. William tells Murron, “I will love you my whole life, you and no other.” As soon as I heard him say that to her, I literally was never the same. I knew in that instant that I wanted that type of love in my marriage. The way he looked at her, the love in those vows, the beautiful consummation of their marriage by the lake was enough to turn me into a hopeless romantic. I loved his words so much that my husband and I wrote them into our vows.

Sadly, Murron dies tragically; killed by an English soldier. It’s so heartbreaking to see her look for him to save her, but he shows up too late. Her death fills William with such rage that it provides the fuel for him to start fighting the English. I loved that he fought for her. I could understand his righteous anger and I couldn’t blame him for wanting to take them all on. He fought for her memory and honor. It was beautiful. Then enters the pretty princess…

The pretty princess is French, but she’s forced to marry the English prince. She doesn’t really love the prince and when she meets William, they end up having a love affair. Once this happened, the movie was dead to me. Dead. Well, not totally, because it’s a fantastic movie, but I was furious with William.

“This movie is terrible! I hate it!” I remember screaming out while watching it with my dad.

Chuckling, my dad said, “Why do you say that?”

“Because! He just betrayed the love he pledged to his wife! (Said sarcastically) ‘Oh, I love you all the days of my life. Oh, I’ll love you and no other.’ Blah, Blah, Blah! Lies! Once the first pretty girl steps into his life his wife is forgotten and all he can think about is his groin! I hate this movie!”

“Amy, his wife died. What do you expect him to do? Live alone forever?”

“Yes! It would show his true love! How can he say he loves his wife and no other, but then be so quick to jump into bed with some other woman and love her, too?!”

This movie has always stirred a lot of emotions in me. In my head, I know that if a spouse dies, the other is free to marry again, but my heart just can’t go there. My head tells me that if something were to happen to me, that my husband should be free to find happiness in another woman, but I get a huge lump in my throat thinking of that.

I fear that I would be replaced and I can’t…I just can’t even think about it and find a way to be okay with it. I know, I know, I know, that in heaven I wouldn’t worry about it and I would be happy for Dustin to be happy. I know that it would be selfish of me to tell him to never marry again, but the thought just takes the breathe out of me. I’m not even joking.

The thought that another woman would take my place in our bed, fill his thoughts, hug and kiss him when he comes home is more than my heart can take. I know that some people have no problem with the thought of marriage after death. I know that this doesn’t mean they love their spouse less or anything like that. I’m not saying my love is more true or passionate. I know in my head that they aren’t really replacing their former spouse; they are just finding love with someone else. I’m not going to judge another’s motives or love, this is just how I feel.

Recently, on a camping trip, my husband, my cousin-in-law, and I were having this conversation. My cousin told this story about this lady who was dying of cancer and she wrote a letter to her husband’s future wife. She told her to take care of her husband and kids. She told her that she was okay with it and that she wanted them to be happy. As my cousin was relaying this story, she was filled with emotions and tears. She said, “Isn’t that just beautiful? That she’s able to give her blessing like that?”

My heart was unmoved. In my head I thought, “That’s nice and that lady must be a better woman than me.” In my imagination, I saw myself instead coming back to haunt my husband and the new woman. I was rattling chains and wailing like a banshee.

I’m kidding, of course, but only a little. No. No. Really, I’m kidding. But….I did make a good ghost in my thoughts. Lol.

It’s a hard thing to describe. I know it sounds completely selfish and jealous, but I guess it’s hard for me to think that there is another out there that Dustin could make a life with other than me. I know for me, if God forbid, anything happened to Dustin it wouldn’t be fair to any other man to marry him. Dustin took up residence in my heart when I met him and there he will remain forever. There may …

Don’t Hold Your Husband Back From Challenging Himself or Your Children

A few weeks back, the window on my husband’s car wouldn’t roll back up. It made this awful grinding noise and I feared the repair bill that would follow. My husband has had the car for a long time and it’s starting to wear down. But, instead of taking the car to the shop, my husband announced he was going to attempt to fix it.

(Glup)

My first inclination was to stop my husband in his tracks and encourage him to just take it to a repair shop. Why? Because he doesn’t know about cars. He isn’t a car guy, but he is an engineer and he never ceases to amaze me with the things he can learn to do. So, I kept my mouth shut and let him try.

He researched it on Youtube, went and bought the parts, and set about the task of fixing the window. In the end, it was fixed and perfect. He did a great job and I could tell it gave him a lot of satisfaction to do it himself. He felt accomplished and I was proud of him. It was evident that he enjoyed the challenge. I’m glad that I didn’t encourage him to just take it to a shop.

I’ve noticed my husband seeks challenges. There is a mountain near our house here in Vegas that he *had* to climb. He trained last year to challenge himself to run a marathon. He spent many a Saturday running mile-after-mile. I could have complained about lost time with him, but I knew he needed this challenge.

But, it isn’t just him. My dad turned 60 this past year and what did he want to do? Climb a mountain with my brother and my husband.

My brother within the past couple of years took on the challenge of transforming his thin frame into a more muscular one. He challenges himself through Tough Mudders, lifting more, and even in helping others, as a personal trainer, get fit.

Even my two-year-old son seeks challenges. He climbs on everything. He wants to carry all the big things. He wants to wrestle his dad non-stop. I’m not saying that my daughters didn’t do these things to an extent, but I can see a difference in his need for it.

My husband and I were talking the other night about some boys/men in our lives that seem unmotivated, lazy, or just downright bored with life. I said, “I just wonder what it is that makes them this way?”

Without a moment’s hesitation, my husband said, “They aren’t challenged.”

I asked him to explain.

“Men are wired to take on challenges. We need to fight for the things we want and we won’t appreciate things that come easy. It’s written into our DNA–we need to be challenged. Today, a lot of boys aren’t being challenged in school, sports, or in life. Things are too easy and when men have no challenge, they aren’t motivated.”

I told him that I don’t want to cause this kind of listlessness in our son. He assured me that I wouldn’t, but right there I understood something: My son will learn best through my husband how to challenge himself throughout his life. It is my job to stand out of the way and let the challenges happen–for both my husband and my son. Even when I stand on the sideline and want to blow my safety whistle, I have to restrain myself. I must trust that my husband will not lead our son into danger and that it will be for his greater good.

I’ve seen my husband do this with our daughters, as well. Where I want to swoop in to wipe away all discomfort, Dustin looks at me and asks me to trust him. I see that he takes the harder things in life for our girls and turns them into great teaching moments. He teaches them to face conflict, to be brave, to fight through difficulties, and to push the limits sometimes. Last year, he took our girls on a kayaking trip down the Colorado River for our oldest’s 15th birthday. I was nervous. I’m afraid of water. But, he took them out on the challenge and it was amazing for them. Their faces glowed with confidence and I realized how good the challenge was for them.

Teaching our children to accept challenges, challenges Dustin to be a better father and man. I encourage Dustin to lead our family as a man of God, not because I’m some brainwashed-backwoods weakling and not because he is some patriarchal dictator that demands it. I ask him because I know that it is what he needs to continue to feel motivated, confident, important, and fulfilled. I ask him because I love him and I know that the challenge is a part of who he is as a man.

For myself, as well, Dustin challenges me and I need that. Where once my father challenged me in numerous ways and still continues to do so; Dustin, also, plays that role. Dustin gently guides me to accept new challenges and face them. He helps me overcome fear by helping me to get out of my own head and not overthink things too much. When I see Dustin challenging himself, whether through reading Thomas Aquinas, taking on some new physical test, or even fasting, I am inspired to follow him.

When Dustin first met me, I hated math. He’s an engineer and math comes naturally to him. He remembers equations that I couldn’t conjure up in 50 lifetimes. Anyway, I used to always criticize myself when attempting any math problem. Through the years, Dustin has encouraged me to keep trying and recognize that I just learn differently than him. Through homeschooling our children, I’ve been forced to learn math again. At first, I resisted, but through Dustin’s guidance, I let down my barriers to math and have been able to learn it better than I ever did …