I was asked a few weeks ago to blog on the topic of having a good relationship with your teenager. I’m certainly no expert, but I’ve given this topic a lot of brain activity over the past few weeks. I currently have a 21-year old, a 17-year old and an eight-year old. I would say–and I think they would, too–that their father and I have maintained a good relationship with them.
Initially, when I started to think about this, I thought of very practical things to foster a good relationship, like no phone until a certain age, meal times together as a family, etc. Yet, none of these things quite hit the mark for me. There was something about the practical things that had a hint of the answer, but I wasn’t fully satisfied. I even tried to parse it out with my husband and we were left searching for words.
And then…like a lightbulb…it hit me. The answer is sacrifice. If you want to have a good relationship with your kids, at any age really, you must sacrifice. In fact, if you want to have a good relationship with anyone–God, your spouse, kids, your parents, friends–you must be willing to sacrifice.
When kids are little, sacrifice is forced upon us as parents. We lose sleep to get up with a crying baby. We miss out on nice things to provide for their welfare. As mothers, we can sit for hours a day feeding a nursing child. We can barely take a moment for ourselves because we have to be constantly vigilant for their safety. We do these things because we love them and it’s worth it.
As kids move into the teen years, there is a tendency for parents to kick up their heels and shift into cruise control. Teens are more self-sufficient than a toddler, more independent than a one-year old, and less needy with regards to time and attention. But….and it’s a big but…parents can’t check out. A parent’s role in the teen years is one of guidance and, to be honest, a lot of teaching. Teens still have much to learn. As parents, though, we must continue to find ways to sacrifice for our teens. If you check out, they will see that and, even though they may not express it verbally, they will be hurt by it. Checking out equals not caring in their eyes and if the only time you do care is when they mess up, well, that doesn’t foster closeness.
When my husband commissioned in the Air Force, I knew that I was going to sacrifice my career for the sake of him and our family. To a certain extent, the sacrifice is for my country, as well. I knew, without a doubt, he would get all the awards, respect, and monetary rewards that are elusive to a stay-at-home mom. Some have scoffed at my sacrifice saying that it has inhibited my success, but they are wrong. My sacrifice has enabled our family to stay together through every move. There is no job I cling to over my husband. My sacrifice allowed us to move for one year to Turkey where we created memories that will last forever. I sacrifice for my husband for love of him. He sacrifices for me in his own way, as well.
My mom was a working mother. Some may argue that working moms don’t have as many opportunities to sacrifice, especially if they don’t need to work. However, this isn’t true. I saw my mom sacrifice for me and my siblings all the time. After a hard day at work, she came home and always prepared a delicious home-cooked meal. Family meals were important to her and so, tired as she was, she mustered up the energy to provide for our family. She, also, took time off for class parties and she came to many sporting events. I’d always known that she wanted to get her degree, but she held off until all three of her kids were not in need of her constant attention anymore. She sacrificed for us and though I didn’t fully appreciate it at the time, I do now. We had a tense patch in my teen years because of my poor choices in boys. Deep down, though, I knew her constant lectures were because she loved me and I’m glad she cared enough to speak up. Turns out she was right on everything she lectured me on.
I’m not a perfect parent. I can be a bit of a hot head, I’m impatient, and I’m not always the most empathetic mother. For all my faults, I have always desired to sacrifice for my family. I have not desired this in order to win a martyr’s badge, but because it seems like the best way to show love to my family. It’s the way Christ showed us His immeasurable love. Trust me when I say that I do this most imperfectly, but I hope my family sees my effort. My sacrifice for my children, like my husband, has been to forgo a career. In place of a career, I have instead homeschooled my kids for going-on thirteen years. I’m not saying you can’t work or that you need to quit your job in order to have a good relationship with your teens. You will, however, have to find some other way to sacrifice for them.
Sacrificing may mean fixing meals so that the family can eat together. It may require setting boundaries on phones, dating, and clothing that potentially could make your teen hate your guts. It may mean setting aside scrolling through social media in order to play a game. It may mean taking an interest in your teens hobbies even if they aren’t really something you’re keen on. It may mean having uncomfortable conversations with them in order to give them the truth about pornography, sex, and drugs. It may, also, mean sacrificing your pride by sharing with them stories about all the ways you’ve messed up in your life. Too many parents want to seem perfect and all knowing in their children’s eyes. Teens have a hard time relating to this.
I once read a book by the world-renown brain surgeon, Dr. Ben Carson. Dr. Carson was raised by a single mother who was constantly at work trying to make ends meet. In the book, Dr. Carson gave insight into his mother’s actions when she was at home. Bone-tired, she still gave her full attention to her children by checking on their school work, listening to the stories of their day, and encouraging them in pursuit of their studies. As a young boy, Dr. Carson saw his mother sacrifice for her family and give every ounce of her being for their betterment. Her effort and sacrifice fostered a loving relationship between them and saw her son go on to become one of the best brain surgeons ever. It just goes to show that no matter your situation in life, you can always find a way to sacrifice for those you love.
This obviously isn’t a fool-proof method. Humans are humans and we can take for granted the sacrifices of others. No matter what, though, we should sacrifice for those we love not because we hope to get something out of the deal: We should sacrifice simply to show love and for no other reason.
As is said in the movie “Field of Dreams”–Go the distance.
Live the Faith boldly and travel well, Catholic Pilgrims.
