When I worked as a counselor for victims of domestic and sexual violence, I heard some of the most horrific stories you can imagine. The ones that were the hardest for me to deal with were the ones where people had been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by their parents. There’s just no excuse for it–none. Period.
I had to hear more stories about incest than I care to mention. Even though I specialized in sexual crimes, I was not prepared for the number of people traumatized by this heinous crime. It’s a level of evil that you can’t wrap your mind around.
Time and time again, I had to sit and listen to people tell me that their mothers knew that they were being abused and did nothing. This is not an uncommon response but, for many victims, it’s almost worse than the abuse itself. A mother who refused to stop abuse was deemed almost worse than the abuser.
I remember one girl in particular that I saw only a handful of times. She was an adult who had been sexually abused by her father since she was a little girl. Her mother was completely aware and did nothing. As she sat in front of me, it was like I was staring at a shell of a body. There was no life in her. She could barely make eye contact with me and there was no emotion in anything she said. She was just hollow. Even as an adult, her father continued to abuse her and I encouraged her to get as far away from him as possible. When I mentioned this to her, it was like she’d never considered that that was an option. It was like I had given her permission to move on. The last time I saw her, she was moving to another state and there was a trace of a smile on her face.
I still wonder about her. I wonder if she ever made a clean break. Did she find a way to forgive? I hope she found happiness and freedom. I hope she is on a path to becoming who God created her to be.
(Just as a side note: If you ever catch yourself judging the people who are homeless on the streets, just know that there are many that have a story just like the one above. Drugs sometimes are the only way they know to escape the torment in their heads.)
The Fourth Commandment is: Honor your mother and father.
How can you possibly ever tell someone like the girl above that she has to honor her father or her mother?
There is a key component to this commandment that often times parents forget, which is: Be worthy of honor. That’s right. As parents, we don’t get to just sit back on our thrones and demand our kids kiss the ring no matter what we do to them.
With regards to the 4th Commandment, the Catechism states: Parents must regard their children as children of God and respect them as human persons. (2222) Also, they (parents) must create a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule. (2223) (Disinterested service means without looking out for your own interests.)
Now, on the flip side of this, I’ve seen many adult children diss on their parents just because they don’t have the same political or religious beliefs. I’ve seen numerous people who think their parents are only worthy of honor if they never made one mistake as a parent. News flash: All parents make mistakes and fail at one point or another.
I don’t agree with my parents on every single thing. I have my own mind. To be sure, I have a lot of the same core beliefs as my parents but I’m not a walking clone copy of them. I still to this day value their opinion and advice. I may not always take it but I still value what they have to say. In many ways, I want to show them honor by living a good life–one that makes them proud. I don’t want to embarrass them, disgrace them or ruin their reputation in anyway. My parents are good parents. They have their flaws and faults as every parent does, but I know they love me with everything in them. But, what about children who don’t have parents like this?
To the girl that I counseled long ago, I would tell her this today:
Your parents certainly aren’t worthy of honor. They haven’t done one single thing to earn your respect or admiration. What they did to you was unspeakably horrendous and unthinkable. However, you can’t let the evil that they did to you continue to rob you even after you leave them behind. You are not obligated to stay near anyone who treats you in such a way. Though it will be hard and you will struggle to do it, seek forgiveness. This is only possible with God. It takes supernatural graces to forgive such evil. Forgiving them does not mean you condone what they did, nor does it mean you have to have a relationship with them. Let God deal justly with them. Now, go and live your life in such a way that it brings them honor even though they don’t deserve it. For people that don’t know you very well, live your life in such a way that they would naturally assume that you came from parents that were good, not from ones that disregarded all your dignity. You grew up in ugliness, evil, and lies. Go now and seek the good, the beautiful, and the true. Don’t keep your story locked up inside you. Let it out little-by-little and every time you do the grip of it will lessen and lessen. Seek help through all this and never try to go it alone. Honor your parents by not turning into them and by becoming who they were supposed to teach you to become. Again, this will require God’s help and there will be days you will think it’s an impossible task, but with God, nothing is impossible.
No matter who we are, Catholic Pilgrims, may we live our lives honorable.
This year, I was asked to go deeper into the Ten Commandments. This is the last one, as all the others have been covered through the course of the year. I hope you’ve enjoyed following me through each one. I’ve very much enjoyed writing about them.
