When my oldest daughter was in my womb, she was an active little thing. I was pregnant with her my senior year of college and during my afternoon classes, she would have exercise time in my belly. It sure kept me awake with all her jabs and kicks. She was also very responsive to touch and her daddy’s voice. I thought to myself then, “Wow, this one is gonna be an active kid.” And, she was. From the moment she was born, she hasn’t stopped moving. Not one for naps or “quiet” time, she has been one active, energetic person her whole life.
My second daughter was completely different in my womb. She’d move around, but it was never with the intensity of her big sister. She was calmer and I thought to myself, “Wow, maybe I’ll have a snuggly baby.” And I did get a snuggly baby. She has always been my sensitive, calm child. Still to this day at fourteen, she loves to snuggle next to me and be close.
My son was about as active as his big sister in my womb, so I was totally prepared for another child like her. He’s just as active, but it’s different. Whereas my oldest likes being fully active, my son needs it. NEEDS IT. Everything is a weapon, everything is something to be climbed, everything is a test of strength for him. I realize that not all boys are like this and that’s okay. I, also, realize that some girls are tomboys. Cool. I was a bit of a tomboy myself. My girls loved wrestling on the floor with their dad when they were little. I used to love wrestling with my dad, too. It’s different, though, with my son–he needs it. He craves it. He won’t wrestle with me mostly because his dad has taught him that “we always protect and take care of Momma.” He sees wrestling with me as “not protecting” me, because to him wrestling is play fighting. I can see that he is trying to measure up to his dad and he’s only four, yet his dad is teaching him to be disciplined with his strength. It’s a very interesting dynamic to watch.
Recently, I was asked to review a book from Our Sunday Visitor called “Leaving Boyhood Behind” by Jason M. Craig. It was incredibly eye-opening as a woman and a mother. For women, there is a very defining moment that ushers us into womanhood–the start of our menstrual cycle. Then, there is a very painful ushering in for motherhood–pregnancy and childbirth. We women love to tell our birthing tales because it is a kind of initiation into motherhood. Obviously, you don’t have to give birth to be a true mother. Adoptive moms are every bit a mother to their children. Religious sisters are mothers to many who are lost and are in need of motherly love. With guys, though, it’s a little less clear-cut.
For millennia, civilizations across the globe had initiation ceremonies for boys. Men would take boys away from their mothers and take them out into nature to be initiated into manhood. It usually involved some pain and sacrifice. Boyhood was shed and upon return to the tribe, the boy was considered a man. This was acknowledged by all the men in the tribe and the boy felt apart of this new brotherhood of men, which made him feel like he belonged and had a purpose. He was now expected to protect, provide, and do the hard things. Sadly, we don’t have anything like this anymore for our boys.
I’m not suggesting a return to primitive tribal initiation ceremonies, however, there is a reason that most civilizations had some form of it. There must be something to a boy leaving behind boyhood and being initiated into manhood. I look around and I see a lot of adult men still living as boys. They are content to live at home indefinitely, many don’t want physical challenges or any risk. When I was a teen, boys couldn’t wait to drive, but nowadays numerous parents report their teenage boys lack interest. One time, my family went on a hike with another family that had a teen boy and a younger teen daughter. The boy literally whined and cried the entire hike. He griped about how he would rather be home playing video games than “hiking up this stupid trail.” He stopped at one point and all the rest of us continued on. In my day, it would have been inconceivable for a teenage guy to sit and whine about how hard it was to go on an easy hike while girls were around.
I see that part of the problem is that moms have taken over the reins of all the parenting. We’ve told men that they aren’t needed, that women can raise kids fine without them, that what they bring to the table doesn’t matter and consequently boys are being raised in environments where dad isn’t around or isn’t allowed to usher his son into manhood. To be sure, there are plenty of wonderful single mothers out there who are doing their best. My husband for a very long time was raised by his single mother. However, it is important that we, as women, realize that we can’t teach a boy how to be a man. I’m capable of telling him what I think a good man should be like, but showing him is another matter. I can’t model that for him. It’s my job to model what a good woman looks like to our girls, but I must trust my husband to teach our son about manhood. I don’t know what it’s like to be a man. Even if I ask all kinds of questions of my husband, I still don’t fully understand just like he can’t fully understand what it means to be a woman.
This book really gave me some good insight into my role as a mother to son. Usually, in a boy’s younger years, his mother is his main protector and caregiver. In the book, the author helped me to see that there will come a day when I will have to turn over the reins to my husband and that is going to be hard. The mother in me sees all the dangers and potentially harmful things out there, but I will never see our son grow into a man if I try to keep him under Momma’s wings. It’s not fair to my son if I do that. I can take heart in knowing that this stepping back doesn’t mean I stop being his mother or that I don’t matter anymore. God created a real need and desire in men to use their strength and to work hard. They have to be taught how to use their strength for good and to use their hands and minds to work hard for the betterment of society. My husband can show our son this and, I see now, that it is not my place to show him. He needs my husband’s guidance and mentorship. I see now that there are things that a man needs in his life in order to truly feel like a man: Challenge, risk, sacrifice and, yes, even some pain. Women need these things, too, but in a different way.
I know that much of what I’ve said is incredibly contradictory to what our culture preaches. It is prideful for women to think that they can be all things to both their daughters….and their sons. Sons and daughters need their mothers without question, however, they need their fathers just as much. There is no replacing a good father or father figure. I don’t want my son to be weak physically, emotionally, or spiritually. He needs to learn to use his strength to protect and lift others up. I want him strong emotionally so that he can press through adversity and pain and learn to use it to make himself better. I want him to learn to guide and lead others to Christ in a loving and uncompromised way. I don’t want him to shy away from discipline. It’s important that he knows that it’s okay to be uncomfortabl and that seeking pleasure and comfort is not his highest priority. I can tell him how I think he should go about doing all this, but his dad can show him how. Even though I wish I could always have my kids safely with me, deep down, I know that isn’t what is best for them.
I would highly recommend reading “Leaving Boyhood Behind.” The author does a nice job of making his case for why fathers need to find ways to initiation their sons into manhood in a healthy way. As I read through the book, it gave me and my husband lots to discuss. I think it’s a good read for both men and women. Men need to read it to be confirmed in their role as true models of masculinity to their sons. Women should read it to help them understand how much a boy needs a good male role model in their life. The greatest thing I can do when it’s time for my son to grow into a man is to show him that I trust his dad to teach him and that I think he is capable of becoming a good man.
I’m a book review for Our Sunday Visitor. I am in no way compensated for sales and written reviews. I just enjoy reading good books and talking about them.
