Recently, during our family Bible study, we were working through a Matthew Kelly workbook from Dynamic Catholic. We were watching a video and Matthew Kelly was talking about the impact it can have when someone says to you, “What are you doing?” Those times in our life when w
e are doing something bad for us or unbecoming, and someone has the courage to say to us, “Hey, what are you doing?” It usually takes us off guard, because we are cruising along sometimes oblivious to our negative actions. Then out of the blue, someone cares enough to want to wake us up.
This is rare in our culture today. Nobody wants to be told they are doing anything wrong. If you see someone doing something destructive, sinful, or bad, we are
told to just walk away and “live and let live.” We have grown so weak that we can’t even stand some constructive criticism. To add to that, we can’t see that it is loving when someone calls us out and tries to shake us out of our path of destruction. If I love you, I will goodness for you. If I don’t really love you, I will stand by and watch you self-destruct and be indifferent to bad behavior. Or turn a blind eye, because I don’t want anyone pointing out my bad behavior. Sometimes we can’t see that we are diving headfirst into misery, devastation, and chaos; it takes another’s eyes to see the reality of the situation. If they truly care they will have the courage to speak up and at least make us aware.
So, on this night that we were watching the video, I immediately thought of someone I know that has had this question directly asked to them. A full blown what-the-heck-are-you-doing confrontation. So, I decided to interview that person, because I want you to see how he responded and the end result. It’s a really interesting human interaction.
WHAT WERE YOU LIKE IN HIGH SCHOOL?
I was rather ornery; not a great student, but able to get by without studying much. I was one of the popular students, so it was very easy to assimilate into whatever activity I chose. I chose music and was very good at it. I played in all the bands and played in a rock and roll band outside of school, which was very popular with the other students. I was very athletic, very stubborn and very self-centered. Music and partying consumed me and so there was very little time for being much of a student. I always got straight A’s in band and physical ed, some B’s in my other classes, but mostly C’s. I really didn’t have interest otherwise. I was going to be a rock and roll star. I also partied a lot on the weekends. I drank lots of beer, went to a lot of concerts, played lots of dances and slept off a lot of hangovers.
DID THINGS CHANGE AFTER YOU GRADUATED?
No, not immediately. My friends, Mark and Gary, were still in high school, so the band was still going full force. It was more of the same: Playing in country bands, rock bands, city bands, pit orchestra, symphony orchestra, etc. You can’t imagine how much music I played. I practiced and practiced drums. I don’t know how my mom and dad didn’t go nuts. I had my circle of friends and things pretty much stayed the same, except now we were not in school. Life was concerts, dances, beer busts and parties. What I didn’t notice was that life was moving on for a lot of my classmates. A lot went on to college in the fall, some went to work, some just disappeared as happens with all classmates. The stark revelation for me was to come after Mark and Gary graduated. Mark went off to college in the fall of 1975. So all the talk of us being famous rock and rollers got shot down quick. So by December of 1975, things had changed. I looked around and life had moved on for almost everyone–except me. I had never planned or considered any other thing for myself outside of playing music. I didn’t really want to be a soldier after just coming out of the Vietnam War era. I had no college aspirations. I was getting in a lot of fights, drinking more, and basically just drifting through my late teens.
TELL ME ABOUT THE DAY YOU WERE SITTING ALONE IN THE BAR.
When I tell this story to people, I always include that I feel like Brian was, on this particular night, an angel. His words to me, while simple, profoundly changed my life.
It was a Friday in late December 1975–a few days before Christmas. I was by myself, with nothing to do. So, I went to the pub. I was drinking beer straight out of a pitcher, doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself. Sometime during the evening, not late, Brian came in. Brian and I had never been close friends, just casual. He was a year younger, so we hadn’t ever done much together. Since the place was basically empty, he saw me and sat down. We talked for a bit, then he said to me, “Hey, I’ve got some orange screwdrivers mixed up out in the car, want some?” I said, “Sure,” so we went outside and had a drink. Soon we were back inside, sitting listening to the jukebox, watching people play pool, doing nothing. Suddenly out of the blue he said to me, “Ash, what are you doing with your life?” I was immediately defensive and tried to excuse my lifestyle behavior away, but he would not let up.
“You are so talented, you are one of the best musicians I’ve ever heard of. You are athletic, you are smart, you have the ability to do anything, and you are here in this place by yourself, wasting your life.”
His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I really had no argument, because he was exactly right. Everything he was saying was right. I’m not usually speechless, but there was nothing I could say.
He continued, “You’ve always been someone I’ve looked up to and I hate that you are like this. Do something. Get in another band. You’ve always liked working out, start training for something. You have so much to offer, but you are doing nothing.”
Of course, those aren’t his exact words, but very close. There was some more graphic language throughout, if you know what I mean. And with that, the entire direction of my life changed. I’ve never been drunk since that day. I enrolled in junior college for the next semester. I started working out hard and getting in shape. For one year, I didn’t touch a drink of alcohol and I’ve never abused it since that day. I met my future wife that following January in Juco. I began bodybuilding. I started seriously thinking about getting a degree. As much as a person can change, I did that night. I still think about it often to this day. Brian and I became very good friends from that point on. The years have taken their toll and I no longer know him or know where he is, but I always think of him as one of the most important friends I’ve ever had in my life.
DO YOU THINK THAT IF, SAY, YOUR MOM HAD SAID THESE THINGS IT WOULD HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE?
Not sure. I kept a lot hidden from my mom. It was a different time, different world. Also, I knew how my mom felt; I didn’t realize that one of my peers saw me this way.
WHEN YOU GOT DEFENSIVE, DO YOU REMEMBER SPECIFICALLY WHAT YOU SAID?
Oh sure. I immediately attacked him for seemingly living the same way. I told him that I knew what I was doing and wasn’t going to give up the dream. I defended not going to school, because “what good would it do me?” Blah, blah, blah. Mainly, I tried to bring up examples of others and how they were living, but failed miserably. My first reaction to being attacked has always been to strike back. He was having none of it and I finally shut up and listened. Knowing my personality, it seems very unlike me to have listened. There was a greater power at work that night. Because I took what he said so much to heart, I was never the same guy from that day forward. Now, I won’t say I wasn’t a work in progress, I was. I had to learn how to be a student. I had to learn how to date and treat a woman. I had to sacrifice a few friendships much as I had with my refusal to ever do drugs. I had to begin thinking about my future beyond playing music in smoky bars and clubs every weekend. It was a dramatic renewal. I also began to find my faith and my values again.
YOU SAY THAT YOU THINK OF HIM AS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT FRIENDS YOU’VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE. WOULD YOU SAY IT’S BECAUSE OF WHAT HE DID THAT NIGHT?
Absolutely. Of all my friends, none of them ever expressed concern for me over how I was living, except him. I often think how long I would have continued had he not cared enough to say something to me. Not only did he confront me and challenge me to change, but he didn’t just walk away. He offered to train me and assist me if that’s what it took for me to agree to it. He saw it through. He sacrificed his time so I wouldn’t fail. This is why we became friends.
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I would have to agree that Brian was one of his most important friends, because the man being interviewed is my father. I’ve never met Brian, but I grateful to him that he cared enough to speak up and not back down. I’m grateful to him for waking up my dad. It was my mom that he met at Juco that January and without her and him, well, there is no Amy, Michael, or Beth. But, more than just having a direct impact on my mom and dad meeting up, I’m thankful that Brian had courage enough to tell my dad that he mattered, that he was more than what he was doing. That takes guts, folks.
There was grace working that night. I thank God that my dad’s heart opened up to hear Brian. He did get defensive at first which is natural for all of us when we are confronted with what we are doing wrong. Yet, my dad ended up listening and it changed his life–for the better. Brian was telling my dad that he was better and that is loving.
All the things that my dad began to focus on (music, bodybuilding, education) continued on in a much more productive way. My dad has used music to connect with me my whole life. He tells me stories of concerts, we listen to albums together, and swap songs with each other that reach our souls. Since I was a little girl, my dad has worked out and made fitness a part of his life and mine. I have been to tons of gyms with him watching him work harder to be stronger and fitter. He played catch with me probably a thousand times when I was young and always encouraged me athletically. And lastly, with a little girl in tow, my young dad graduated from Kansas State University with a degree. He gave me a great gift by letting me tag along with him on campus, because I fell in love with Kansas State and went on to graduate from there myself.
Brian had no idea that his question would lead to all this, but it did and it set my dad on a better course. I’m thankful that my dad was humble enough to accept the criticism and strong enough to change his ways. Never underestimate the impact you can have on someone even if you are only in their life for a little while.
