Learning to Let Go of the Reins: Letting My Daughter Forge Her Path

When I had my first child, I would hold her in my arms and dream of her one day attending my alma mater, Kansas State University.  (Cue the sound of a scratching record)

It was a lovely dream.  But, now I’m here with my 14-year old and she’s got other plans.  I’m grieving something serious here.

My daughter is a gymnast.  She sleeps, eats, and breathes gymnastics.  We’ve tried suggesting other sports to try, just for fun.  She looks at us as if we are speaking an alien language.  When she came down with a serious injury, we tried to lift her spirits by highlighting other fun sports.  Again, she looked at us as if we’d lost our ever lovin’ minds.  To put it mildly–there is no other sport.

This year, she’s a high school freshman and we’ve been exploring the idea of where she will go for college.  My dream has been for her to attend Kansas State, but she has other things on her mind.

“I wanna keep doing gymnastics in college,” she tells her dad and me.

FYI, Kansas State has no gymnastics.  Oh my, oh my.

So, I gently try to tell her that this is the reality of the situation and I can tell that there is no talking her out of this.  Many of you may be thinking that she’s just a freshman, there’s plenty of time.  But, not in the gymnastics world.  Apparently, we have to start this year getting her registered on certain sites and looking into possible places she’d be interested in.  Her coach explained that it’s important to get started now.  And so, I’m grieving.

I know it’s selfish.  In my mind, I remember how glorious and wonderful my time at Kansas State was and I know she would have a great experience, too.  But, that’s my dream, not her’s.  She loves K-State.  She cheers fanatically for the Wildcats.  She loves the purple.  She’s been on the campus and she soaks up our stories.  She even tells us that if gymnastics doesn’t work out, she’d love to go there.  A lot can change between now and then, but one thing I do know, this kid is never gonna tell me that she wants to give up gymnastics.  She’s gonna be 85 and still doing gymnastics like this lady:

I can’t steal this from her.  As much as I want the dream of Kansas State to be a reality, I also see the way gymnastics makes her shine.  It’s the same shine I had when I would talk about going to K-State.  I mean, she gets up in the summer at 7am to get ready to go train for 4 hours everyday of the week.  What normal teen does that?  And…AND…she doesn’t complain AT ALL.  When we move for the military and there is a lull in the time from one gym to the next, she’s not the same kid.  It’s her thing and I have to respect that.

It’s hard stuff letting go of the reins.  It seems like only yesterday she was deciding which princess outfit she wanted to dress up in and now we are making college decisions.  It’s hard on a momma’s heart.  I also have to realize that she doesn’t have to follow the same trajectory as me.  As long as she has a positive goal and it is good and right for her, I have to be willing to back and support her.  Nobody tells you this stuff in the parenting manual of life.  For days I’ve tried to figure out why her decision causes me to grieve so and I think after lots of contemplation I know the answer–fear.  See, I know my way worked out good.  K-State was great.  I got a solid education.  I had the time of my life.  I met my husband there.  I know my way works.  Her way seems scary–unknown.  But, I have to trust her and her decisions.  She is one of the most capable people I have ever met in my life.  There is nothing she can’t do and I have to trust that she knows what she wants for herself.  I have raised her to be independent, so this is the wave I’m going to have to ride.

After some talking and looking at which avenues to begin pursuing, she decided on the goal of going to the Air Force Academy.  They have gymnastics.  As I was talking to her about what life will be like there and all the possibilities that could potentially be laid at her feet, I saw her eyes grow with excitement and wonder.

“Can I do things there that Dad will let me do, but you won’t?”  By this she means jumping out of planes, survival training, and anything that involves risk.

“Yes, more than likely,” I reply back to her.  Ahhhhh….this kid.

And this lump appears in my throat, cause she is her father’s daughter.  This is my fear.  Gymnastics fits her personality–risk and reward.  Competition and danger.  The military lifestyle fits her, too.  In my heart of hearts, a part of me always knew that she would choose to follow her father’s footsteps into the military.  I knew it.  And I also knew that one day when she told me that’s what she wants to do, I would struggle.  She’s growing into a self-reliant, determined, strong, competent young woman and she’s going to forge a way for herself.  I don’t want to hold her back, because her whole life she’s been like a pent up hurricane wind just waiting to bust free.  But, like I said, it’s hard, because as the mom I want her safe, secure, and, I guess, always with me.

I know that a lot can change in four years, but for now this is her path.  When your kids are little and so very dependent, you wonder in your exhaustion if there will be any light at the end of the tunnel.  I regret that thinking, because I now feel she is like sand running through my hands.  I’m trying to grasp and hold on and it’s getting harder and harder every year.  Yet, my heart could not be more proud of her.  It bursts with joy and pride and love and I know I’m gonna be okay.  I’m excited for her and all her opportunities.  She never ceases to amaze me.  How lucky I am to be her mother.