This is a guest blog by a woman I deeply respect and love. I first met Shawn when I was working at the Salvation Army Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Center in Panama City, Fl. Shawn just has a way about her–she is funny, intelligent, honest, a self-proclaimed diva, a wonderful friend, one of the hardest workers I know, and a devoted follower of Christ. I was blessed to work with her and I continue to be blessed by calling her friend. Shawn is an associate pastor in Waycross, Georgia at New You Ministries of Life. I asked her to write this piece because she has recently co-authored a book titled, “No Wed, No Bed! I Said. I’m Not Giving It Up!” with Dr. Martha Hall. In the book, they speak about abstinence and I knew Shawn’s voice on this subject was just what people need to hear. Shawn doesn’t pull any punches, but her life experiences draw you in because she is relatable. I hope you enjoy reading her thoughts. Ladies and gentlemen….Ms. Shawn.
Years ago, an older woman told me that “all of the fornicators are going straight to hell!” She started quoting Bible verses and telling me that I needed to get saved. She was right about me needing to be saved, but what she did not realize was that she lost me when she began to tell me that I shouldn’t have sex until I got married. I did not want to be a part of her church because I was not ready to stop having sex and I was not even thinking about getting married to anyone. I figured that since the abstinence thing was for saved folks, I would not be a part of any church. After all, I was single and I felt that I should be able to do whatever I wanted with my body. And that is exactly what I did.
I often tell people that in writing “No Wed, No Bed! I Said. I’m Not Giving It Up” we updated a very old message using a fresh new approach. Let’s be real, the “just say no” method is not effective in anything. No one wants to feel that their choices have been taken away. This is what motivated Dr. Hall and me to take a different approach in our book. We are ministers and we preach and teach the Word of God. However, as women, we understand that we are human beings and have feelings, thoughts, and experiences that mold and shape our attitudes and behaviors. In our discussions about the book, we had many in-depth discussions about our past experiences and how without realizing it, those experiences directly affected our choices in our relationships. One of the most enlightening things to come out of those conversations was the fact that we both said that if someone had talked with us about why we were having sex before getting married, instead of telling us how wrong it was, we very well may have made different choices. We both realized that abstinence should not just be about satisfying a religious requirement. It should be about making a personal choice to love and value yourself enough to require that the other person makes a lifelong commitment before you give yourself to them.
Unlike jewelry, cards, and photographs, once you have sex with someone, you cannot take it back. Several women have shared stories with me about their sexual behavior. Most of them regretted it because they weren’t married and the relationships did not last. When talking with them, I quickly understood that their saying “yes” was about more than them just wanting to have sex. Some feared losing the guy that they were dating. Some were dealing with “daddy” issues. They were looking for love in all the wrong places. Some were promiscuous as a result of unresolved issues relating to childhood sexual abuse. Some were lonely. Some had a poor sense of self-worth. And the list goes on and on. Some were Christians and some were not, yet by the end of our discussions their attitudes about sex and relationships had changed.
Chapter One of our book is entitled “Sex is Not a Dirty Word.” God intended for sex to be beautiful and enjoyable. However, it was intended to be an honorable act performed between a husband and a wife. It is my belief that because of God’s original intent for sex, when we (Christians or not) have sex outside of marriage, we open ourselves up to negative consequences. These include STDs, unwanted pregnancies, as well as issues such as: rejection, loss of self-respect, guilt, shame, and a whirlwind of emotions that are a result of premarital sex. I know that being married does not guarantee that life will be all sunshine and roses. Let’s be real, marriage is not always easy–nothing is. However, having sex before marriage is like driving without a license, you might be getting around, but you have no insurance. Having sex without marriage, gives you no assurance.
As I stated before, abstinence is not just about satisfying some religious requirement. It is a personal choice. We know what the Bible says, but no one abstains until they believe that it is right for them. Religious or not, we are all human. Each of us desires to be loved, accepted, and appreciated. Many of us equate sex with those things. Therefore, in order to embrace abstinence outside of religion, we have to consider our commonalities. Abstinence is about more than just saying no to sex. It is more about saying “yes” to the total union as man and wife rather than about saying “no” to the union of physical bodies. You don’t have to be religious to see marriage as being sacred. The same is true for abstinence. You don’t have to be religious to decide that you want to be married before you have sex. Our attitudes and beliefs about sex, marriage …
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This is a guest blog by a woman I deeply respect and love. I first met Shawn when I was working at the Salvation Army Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Center in Panama City, Fl. Shawn just has a way about her–she is funny, intelligent, honest, a self-proclaimed diva, a wonderful friend, one of the hardest workers I know, and a devoted follower of Christ. I was blessed to work with her and I continue to be blessed by calling her friend. Shawn is an associate pastor in Waycross, Georgia at New You Ministries of Life. I asked her to write this piece because she has recently co-authored a book titled, “No Wed, No Bed! I Said. I’m Not Giving It Up!” with Dr. Martha Hall. In the book, they speak about abstinence and I knew Shawn’s voice on this subject was just what people need to hear. Shawn doesn’t pull any punches, but her life experiences draw you in because she is relatable. I hope you enjoy reading her thoughts. Ladies and gentlemen….Ms. Shawn.
Years ago, an older woman told me that “all of the fornicators are going straight to hell!” She started quoting Bible verses and telling me that I needed to get saved. She was right about me needing to be saved, but what she did not realize was that she lost me when she began to tell me that I shouldn’t have sex until I got married. I did not want to be a part of her church because I was not ready to stop having sex and I was not even thinking about getting married to anyone. I figured that since the abstinence thing was for saved folks, I would not be a part of any church. After all, I was single and I felt that I should be able to do whatever I wanted with my body. And that is exactly what I did.
I often tell people that in writing “No Wed, No Bed! I Said. I’m Not Giving It Up” we updated a very old message using a fresh new approach. Let’s be real, the “just say no” method is not effective in anything. No one wants to feel that their choices have been taken away. This is what motivated Dr. Hall and me to take a different approach in our book. We are ministers and we preach and teach the Word of God. However, as women, we understand that we are human beings and have feelings, thoughts, and experiences that mold and shape our attitudes and behaviors. In our discussions about the book, we had many in-depth discussions about our past experiences and how without realizing it, those experiences directly affected our choices in our relationships. One of the most enlightening things to come out of those conversations was the fact that we both said that if someone had talked with us about why we were having sex before getting married, instead of telling us how wrong it was, we very well may have made different choices. We both realized that abstinence should not just be about satisfying a religious requirement. It should be about making a personal choice to love and value yourself enough to require that the other person makes a lifelong commitment before you give yourself to them.
Unlike jewelry, cards, and photographs, once you have sex with someone, you cannot take it back. Several women have shared stories with me about their sexual behavior. Most of them regretted it because they weren’t married and the relationships did not last. When talking with them, I quickly understood that their saying “yes” was about more than them just wanting to have sex. Some feared losing the guy that they were dating. Some were dealing with “daddy” issues. They were looking for love in all the wrong places. Some were promiscuous as a result of unresolved issues relating to childhood sexual abuse. Some were lonely. Some had a poor sense of self-worth. And the list goes on and on. Some were Christians and some were not, yet by the end of our discussions their attitudes about sex and relationships had changed.
Chapter One of our book is entitled “Sex is Not a Dirty Word.” God intended for sex to be beautiful and enjoyable. However, it was intended to be an honorable act performed between a husband and a wife. It is my belief that because of God’s original intent for sex, when we (Christians or not) have sex outside of marriage, we open ourselves up to negative consequences. These include STDs, unwanted pregnancies, as well as issues such as: rejection, loss of self-respect, guilt, shame, and a whirlwind of emotions that are a result of premarital sex. I know that being married does not guarantee that life will be all sunshine and roses. Let’s be real, marriage is not always easy–nothing is. However, having sex before marriage is like driving without a license, you might be getting around, but you have no insurance. Having sex without marriage, gives you no assurance.
As I stated before, abstinence is not just about satisfying some religious requirement. It is a personal choice. We know what the Bible says, but no one abstains until they believe that it is right for them. Religious or not, we are all human. Each of us desires to be loved, accepted, and appreciated. Many of us equate sex with those things. Therefore, in order to embrace abstinence outside of religion, we have to consider our commonalities. Abstinence is about more than just saying no to sex. It is more about saying “yes” to the total union as man and wife rather than about saying “no” to the union of physical bodies. You don’t have to be religious to see marriage as being sacred. The same is true for abstinence. You don’t have to be religious to decide that you want to be married before you have sex. Our attitudes and beliefs about sex, marriage …
The post Abstinence: Not Just For Religious People appeared first on .
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