Raising Capable Kids Means Sometimes I Need To Back Off

A few weeks ago, while my husband was on TDY (military business trip), someone broke into my car. As I was going out the next morning to drive my daughters to practice, I opened up the car and noticed that everything in the middle console was strewn out everywhere. The intruders didn’t take a single thing or break anything. It happened on the one night that I forgot to lock my car, but maybe that was a good thing because nothing was broken. Since I didn’t have any money in the car, they moved on. Even so, I was very upset by it. There I had been in my house with my three kids and in the dark of night, some thief was creeping around my house. It made me uncomfortable.

Then in that same week, on social media, local people were pumping out all kinds of stories about attempted kidnappings and creepy men approaching them and their kids in parking lots. By the time my husband came home from his TDY, I was in full up defend-this-house-and-our-kids-mode. When my husband isn’t around to temper my emotions, they will run amuck and run they did. Basically, I had planned out a system to fortify the house, complete with attack dogs, patrolling guards, searchlights, steel doors, video monitoring systems scanning every corner of the house, and triple locks on all the doors. It made sense to me to never let my kids outside for even one second without my presence (with a machine gun in tow, of course) and I was prepared to hunker down until the end of time. My nerves were shot and when I tried to explain my concerns to him, he wasn’t taking me nearly serious enough.

“We need triple locks and a guard dog!!!”

“You don’t like dogs, Amy. Are you sure you want to get one?”

“Yes! The bigger the better! The kids can’t go outside until we have a dog! There are creeps everywhere! EVERYWHERE!” I’m pretty sure I was a full-up crazy lady at this point.

“Amy, we can’t lock our kids inside forever, it’s..”

“Why not?! Seems reasonable to me!”

“We can buy some better locks and maybe we can get Ring for the doors.”

“WE NEED TO FORTIFY! FORTIFY! FORTIFY!”

Sooooo, as you can see, I’m a tad dramatic. I think, as a mother, there is a very strong urge to protect our kids sometimes to the point of smothering them. We want to keep them from hurting, keep them from harm, protect them from themselves sometimes, and if they are sad, we’ve got a plate of cookies to soothe our kids and the unrelenting desire to punch whoever caused the sadness. My oldest is less than a year away from heading out into the big ‘ole world and in my head, I’m fretting about everything.

“Does she know what to do if she’s hungry?”

“What if she gets hurt?”

“Does she fully understand to walk with confidence to her car and not look lost?”

“Does she know how to dress for the weather?”

I’m pretty ridiculous. Her dad and I have spent the last 17 years preparing her well for all the things and she’s a remarkable, mature young woman. My head knows that she just has to experience life and I can’t teach her everything before she leaves the nest. Most of life is learned by just doing it. My heart, though, struggles to let go. I think men have an easier time dealing with this. I could be wrong, but it sure seems that way.

Any time our kids come to us with something risky or daring, my husband is like, “YEAH! LET’S DO IT!”

“Daddy, when can I scuba dive?”

Husband: “As soon as possible!”

Me: “Uh, nooooo. You have to be at least 85 years old and in good health.”

“Daddy, can I be a fighter pilot?”

Husband: “SURE! It’s so cool to fly in a jet. You’ll love it if that’s what you want to do.”

Me: “What?! NO JETS! NO JETS! Why do people want to fly freakin’ airplanes in the first place?!!!!”

“Daddy, can I be a policeman?”

Husband: “You sure can! You can be a good guy who gets the bad guys.”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather do something a little less risky, like say, be a baker?”

I don’t actually say most of these things, but I sure do think them. I know deep down that I need to allow my kids to spread their wings and fly. I know it, but it’s still hard. The thing is, is that my kids’ life paths may involve callings that give me heart palpitations, but at least they are living and doing what they are passionate about. If I sheltered them at Mommy’s house forever, they would just be existing and that’s not living. I don’t want my daughters to be dependent, needy wimp worms. I don’t want my son to be a basement dweller who hasn’t shaven for weeks and can’t be pulled away from video games. I know I would be doing more harm than good if I tried to protect them from every little thing. It wouldn’t be fair to them either if I just “played it safe” with them all the time. They are meant to shine a light in this world and they can’t shine while being constantly shaded in my protection.

It’s a good thing that God gave kids moms and dads. Kids need the balance of the two. Kids need that nurturing side that mothers more often give because they need to feel safe and secure. Yet, they need dads who are more apt to push them past barriers, challenge them to step outside of their comfort zones, and who are more willing to entertain ideas that are daring. More than anything, I think both parents should instill in their children that they, as the parents, think they are capable. I want my kids to know that I think they are capable. I don’t want them to doubt themselves and think that only Momma can make things right. I want them to know that they have what it takes to make it…..even if they may not at this point. If they believe in themselves and they know that their parents believe in them, there is really no limits.

So, as hard as it is, sometimes I have to let my husband lead them to capability when I want to lead them to safety. Of course, I want my kids to always be safe, but my husband keeps me reasonable and my kids from being locked up in the house for the rest of their days. I, also, pray for them every day and ask God to wrap them in His grace and love. I pray to their guardian angels to watch over them, too. Trusting is a hard thing sometimes. I know I feel this way because I love them. God, I love them. But, part of loving them is not holding them back. It’s something I’m working on every day.

Until then….if anyone needs a blueprint for fortifying your house, this momma’s got what you need. LOL!