Q & A: Does the Church Only Allow Catholics to Marry Other Catholics?

A few weeks ago, I was asked about my thoughts on whether Catholics should marry people who aren’t Catholic. Since I’ve been moving, I haven’t had the chance to really sit down and write my thoughts out. I’ve finally found a few moments between the boxes, painting, and organizing our new home.

First, I wasn’t Catholic when my husband married me. He is a cradle Catholic, but neither one of us were living out our faith when we met. We called ourselves Christians, but I wouldn’t say we were practicing. So, my first reaction is to say that I’m sure glad my hubby took a chance on me, a Protestant. However, I understand that things are a little more nuanced and marriage isn’t just about fluffy feelings and warm fuzzies. Who you marry is very serious business. People in our culture don’t take it serious enough and marry, often times, just because it “feels right.”

Secondly, it doesn’t really matter what I think, it matters what Christ and the Church think. Christ didn’t specifically say in Scripture, “Thee may only marry other Catholics.” So, we must rely on the Magisterium of the Church to give us guidance. Does the Church say that a Catholic and a non-Catholic can’t be married? No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t even say that you aren’t allowed to marry a non-baptized person. 

But….

More important than the health of our bodies, is the health of our souls. Our souls are eternal, our bodies are not. Anything that can cause peril for our souls is something to be avoided. Clearly, it’s hard for us humans to avoid every single thing that could harm our souls. The Church warns against anything that could cause us to turn away from the Catholic Faith and its life-giving sacraments. To read what the Church says about this, you can read in the Catechism of the Catholic Church in sections 1633-1637.

For this blog, however, I’d just like to offer up my musings. To be sure, I’m not a church authority figure, so my words should be taken with a grain of salt.

The Disappearing Catholic

The other day I was out in my front lawn spreading some fertilizer. A lawn man across the street took a break from his mowing and we started up a friendly conversation. At one point, he asked me what was written on my t-shirt. I happened to be wearing a t-shirt that advertised the World Meeting of Families 2015 in Philadelphia. My family had attended it and it was amazing. I read it off to him and he said, “Is that some kind of big family organization?”

I kind of chuckled and said, “Well, yes, it’s the Catholic Church. I’m Catholic.”

“Oh, my dad was Catholic, but he married my mom who was Baptist. They did that for a while, but then really nothing.” 

His dad was the type of Catholic that just disappears from their faith. They marry a person of a different faith background and since they aren’t in sync, they just disappear from the Catholic Church altogether. 

I’ve heard this story numerous times. These people fall away from the sacraments and all the ways to gain sanctifying grace. It’s a soul that’s in danger and the Church most definitely doesn’t want that. 

The “It’s Easier This Way” Catholic

I’ve met many people who end up just leaving the Catholic Faith and converting to their spouse’s faith background. They find it’s easier than church hopping or fighting about it all the time. But, if the Catholic Church is the Church Christ founded, we can’t just abandon it. This is something that has to be thought about before marriage. Leaving behind what is true, especially when you know it to be true, is not a good reason. 

The Catholic With Confused Kids

My husband worked with this one guy whose mom was Protestant and his dad was Jewish. His parents were since divorced, but because he grew up in a mixed-religion household, he basically is indifferent about religion. “Who’s right?” is his question. Because his parents weren’t on the same page, he grew up confused and, in the end, disinterested. Our children’s souls are entrusted to us as parents and mixed-religion families can cause a lot of confusion for kids. The disconnect can be a catalyst that causes them to abandon their faith altogether. Of course, a child that comes from a solid Catholic home could abandon the faith, too, and many do. However, as parents, we have to do our utmost to make sure we aren’t adding to the problem. 

The Lukewarm Catholics

Folks, I’ve taught Confirmation classes for the past two years and, let me tell you, just having two married Catholics is no guarantee they are guiding each other to heaven. 

You can have two married Catholics, but they can be lukewarm in their faith. You know who I’m talking about; those that miss Mass except on Christmas and Easter, those that never live the faith at home, those that just work to get their kids through the different sacraments only to abandon church once the kids “graduate.” Just because you are Catholic and you marry another Catholic does not guarantee anything. Two Catholics can lead each other away from the faith just as easily as a Catholic and a non-Catholic. I know, I’ve seen it and it has grave consequences for the kids. 

Well, that was all pretty doom and gloom, so is there any hope? 

The thing my husband and I argued about the most in our early years of marriage was religion. It was stressful trying to make our mixed faith backgrounds work. We tried church hopping, which got old really quick. Thankfully, through my husband’s patient ways and his reasoned answers, I began to listen to him. I learned that everything I once believed about Catholicism was wrong and this was humbling for me. As I started listening and attending Mass with him, I started to feel called in my heart to the Catholic Church. Eight years into our marriage, I converted on my own. My conversion, I would say, has made his faith stronger. I’m thankful to God for the grace that brought us all together into the Church. 

I’ve read about and heard from people who find a way to make mixed-religion marriages work well. I know it adds a whole other level of work, but some married couples are supremely dedicated to respecting each other’s consciences and beliefs. I imagine that both spouses wish that the family could all be connected, but sometimes you have to trust in God and offer prayers. 

I’ve heard of Catholic women who have converted their husbands who were atheists. My husband’s grandmother converted his non-believing grandfather even before they got married. St. Elisabeth Leseur converted her husband–an atheist–after her death when he found her diary and realized all the sufferings she’d offered up for his conversion. He went on to be a Dominican priest. You just never know how God can grace a life story. I know that there are stories of Catholic men working in their spouses’ lives, as well. These are stories of very devoted, dedicated Catholic women and men who were very centered on Christ. Which brings up a good point: Be strong and formed in the Faith yourself.

The Catholic Church strongly encourages marriage between two Catholic people. There is a good reason for the Church’s encouragement of this. If you know Catholics are members of the Church Christ founded, it doesn’t make good sense to encourage members to just marry whoever. Especially when you know that religion is an area that can cause a lot of tension in a marriage.

So, my suggestion is to discern, discern, discern.

Pray, pray, pray.

Listen to your parents. Listen to your spiritual director. Listen to your priest. I know that the world tells us to just do whatever feels good, but there are very few people on earth that have your best interests at heart like your parents do.

Our hearts fall in love with people who aren’t always good for us. I know, it’s shocking but true. One important thing you must understand is that you can have a good marriage without God, but to take it to the next level, you need Him. To think that you can do your marriage without God is naïve and foolish. I mean, you can do it, but marriage requires much and the spouses need the sanctifying grace that the Sacrament of Matrimony gives. God can work with anything, but we shouldn’t presume that He will always get us out of a jam.

Do not settle your faith just to be married. Do not assume that just because someone says they are Catholic that they are practicing. Do not think that religion is not a big deal in a marriage. It is and not being on the same page is stressful. If you are thinking of marrying a non-Catholic, talk with someone married to a non-Catholic and get their advice and perspective. The most important thing is that we must never abandon the Catholic Church for anyone, no matter how much we love them. If you feel like a potential spouse will lead you from the Church, you can bet that God did not place that person in your life for you to marry. God would never steer you on a path that leads you away from the Eucharist and the other sacraments.

So, again. Pray, discern, seek advice, and listen.