Recently, I’ve had a lot of people private message me about their marriages. They are writing about marriages that have lost affection, ones that are void of love, and marriages that are teetering over the edge of a cliff poised to fall into destruction. It’s heartbreaking. There is a real and true pain that comes from a marriage that seems destined to fail. I know that hurt because I am the child of divorced parents and it’s a heartbreak that never fully heals.
It’s getting to the point in my life where a lot of people my age are starting to get divorced. Within the past couple of years, many couples that I know have called it quits or are living in marriages that are barely hanging on. What I’ve noticed is that the problems usually revolve around a few specific issues: Lack of proper communication, no effort, preoccupation with kids, and an expectation for the other person to always do the changing. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but they are the ones that come up most often. I plan on addressing these topics starting with the last one first.
A disclaimer: I realize that some marriages are filled with abuse or addiction or both. I’m not saying that you must stick it out in a dangerous marriage. Sometimes it is necessary to leave for the safety of you and your children. I’m speaking in this blog of marriages that are lackluster, lacking connection, or have faded into two people living in the same house, but that aren’t loving each other well.
THEY NEED TO CHANGE
Have you ever talked to a divorced person? I’m sure you have. Ever notice how when they talk about the downfall of their marriage it is ALWAYS the other person’s fault. The person you are talking to will give you a whole laundry list about how awful and impossible the other person was to deal with on a daily basis. You’ll hear all the juicy details and end up thinking that this person they are describing is an absolute monster. And yet…
I’ve learned a few things in life and one of them is this: Nobody likes to self-reflect and see where they need to change, myself included. And everybody likes to heap all blame on others and expect–DEMAND–them to change. Rarely is there ever a marriage where 100% of the problems can be set upon the shoulders of one. Relationships involve broken, faulty people. To think that we are perfect like a red, red rose is unhealthy and untrue. We ALL have annoying habits, faults, failings, and things we need to work on. If we are demanding others to change, we must demand the same standard for ourselves. In fact, demanding anyone to change will often be a recipe for disaster. All we can do is control ourselves and make sure that we are doing all that we can to be a good and loving spouse.
I’ve met a few people in my life who were willing to look at themselves and see how they contributed to the destruction of their marriage, but this is rare. A good practice to put into play is to periodically ask your spouse if there is anything that you can work on. On the flip side of this, if your spouse asks you, be honest. Tell them if there is something you see that could help them become better. Say it gently and with the purpose of loving correction, not spiteful criticism.
PREOCCUPATION WITH KIDS
I always have to preface this topic by first saying that I’m not encouraging you to neglect your kids. For some reason, when people hear “make your marriage a priority” they translate that into “NEGLECT YOUR KIDS!” You and your spouse are the foundation of your family. No foundation, no family. It is imperative that you and your spouse take time to focus on each other as romantic partners and not just parents. Too often, married couples are great at parenting, but lousy in the spousal department. These spouses have noble intentions, but remember, your kids need to know that you are a solid foundation. By only focusing on your kids and what’s best for them you could unintentionally leave them with a broken home. This isn’t what is best for your kids. What is best for your kids is to see mom and dad love each other. I wrote a whole blog on this that you can read here.
In my life, I’ve had numerous people say to me that it was best for them to break up because their kids didn’t need to see mom and dad fighting all the time. Then they will go on to tell me that since their break-up they are a super great parenting duo and they are great friends now. As a child of divorced parents, let me say that the absolute best thing for your kids is for mom and dad to learn to be great friends in their marriage instead of after it’s broken apart. If you can be great friends after divorce, you obviously have it in you to do it. Usually, they become great friends because all expectations are dropped. They aren’t expecting the other person to be a perfect spouse any longer and nobody is expecting them to be perfect. Baring the marriage isn’t toxic from abuse or addiction, what kids really need is mom and dad under one roof doing what it takes to save their marriage.
NO EFFORT
It is easy after the honeymoon period wears off to just settle into stability mode. I understand that kids, chores, bills, work, and outside commitments make it very hard to find loads of time to focus on your marriage. However, your relationship with your spouse is THE most important relationship you have with an earthly person. Your kids will move up and on and their families will take precedence over mom and dad. It’s very common for a lot of married couples to put their marriage as the last relationship to focus on; everything else comes first. It can’t be this way, because your spouse is the only human being on earth you vowed to be with for better or worse, sickness and health.
I know that people have to work to make money. I know that kids must be cared for and loved. But, I also know that you can’t ignore your spouse for 15+ years while raising kids and expect to meet each other on the other side of full-time parenting and be united. So often, people think that they have to huge swaths of time for lavish dates to put effort into the marriage. This is so not true. Dates can be simple and inexpensive. Most people started dating in college when nobody has any money, yet couples find a way to just be together. Leave a sticky note in their car telling them you love them. Take five minutes to snuggle on the couch. Hug goodbye in the morning and kiss hello in the evening. Take a short walk together and hold hands. Be present and get off your phone. Take 15-seconds and just hug them in the kitchen with the kids running around your feet. Your kids need to see you be affectionate. I can’t stress how important that is.
Proper Communication
Yelling is not proper communication. Swearing at each other is not proper communication. Calling each other names is not proper communication. When my husband and I were first married, I was a terrible communicator. I thought any disagreement should end in all-out war. So unhealthy. It’s okay to be upset and mad, but it’s not okay to be disrespectful. You cannot properly love someone if your goal in an argument is to belittle them or wound them with words.
A few other things I’d like to say about communication. Ladies, men are not mind-readers. You need to tell them what you want. It took me forever to learn this with my husband. Believe it or not, my husband can’t hear my inner thoughts. Turns out, I have to communicate them to him. He also doesn’t see things that I see. I’ve learned, if I want him to do something, all I have to do is open my mouth and ask. I realize how absurd it is to expect him to see and think just like me. He doesn’t, and all it takes is a few seconds to ask something of him. Another thing to add is that if something is truly wrong, don’t just say “I’m fine” when asked. The other person deserves to know if something is wrong so that they can have the opportunity to change it. It is unfair to them to hold issues inside and get mad at someone if you don’t afford them the chance to correct it.
Lastly, don’t make the only thing you communicate about be pick-up times, grocery lists, kid problems, and financial matters. Ask your spouse about their day and then truly listen. Share with them something interesting you heard or learned that day. Often times, I’ll share with my husband a fond memory about us that has run through my mind.
Now, I’ll share 10 things that you should add into your marriage to either keep it strong or help get it back on track. Obviously, this isn’t ALL you should do, but they are very important things.
- Pray as a family. Praying together as a couple is important, as well. God must be present in your marriage.
- Dream together. Make plans for the future. These things may change, but at least dream.
- Turn off Netflix and the TV. Play a board game, read together, or just sit and talk.
- Eat at least one meal each day together as a family with NO ELECTRONICS ON THE TABLE.
- Go to bed, if possible, at the same time. I cringe every time I hear of one spouse going to bed while the other stays up to binge on Netflix. Of course, babies can make this hard, but you get what I’m saying.
- Don’t look at your phones in bed. Pillow talk or….you know. (wink, wink)
- Find time each month to connect just the two of you. Even a 30-minute McDonald’s date is better than nothing.
- Go to church as a family. Men, football is not a good excuse for not leading your family to church.
- Stop using swear words in your house. People always think I’m such a prude when I say this, but I don’t care. A house of love cannot be built with filthy, hurtful words floating around.
- Listen to each other. Be present and listen.
Above all, apply more love to a marriage that has grown stale or one that feels lost. With God’s help, a marriage can always turn around, we just need to corporate with Him and accept the graces that He will give us if we ask. Each day is a chance to love your spouse better and forgiveness and patience are key. Your spouse may not seem like they deserve it and you may not feel like loving them well. The temptation to walk away may be great, but this is where the vows and true love show up. Your spouse is yours to love. If they have fallen behind, we must go back to get them. We can’t just keep walking on. Go back and get your spouse. Show them your fight. Let them know that you will not give up.
