Monogamy–That "Out-Dated, Old-Fashioned" Call To Love

A few weeks back I wrote about monogamy and touched on the very basic claims against monogamy.  You can read that here.  I didn’t want to go too deep philosophically or morally, because this is a complex topic and trying to cover too many things at once gets overwhelming.

One of the claims against monogamy is that it is unrealistic.  I think it’s safe to say that it isn’t unrealistic, because we do see people throughout the ages living monogamous lives.  To say that it is unrealistic is to say that the it’s highly unlikely or flat out impossible for monogamous relationships to happen–to assert that it doesn’t happen in reality.  We know this isn’t true.  To be fair, this isn’t exactly what is meant by the people making that claim.  I don’t think they really feel like monogamous marriages can’t happen.  Quite often what they really mean is this:

 “Well, it’s unrealistic for me.  Maybe you can do it, but I don’t find it realistic for my life.”

I think this is a more accurate representation of what people are trying to say when they say that monogamy is unrealistic.  But is it?

The first hurdle we have to tackle is:  What is truth?  The underlying issue here is that some people believe that monogamy is the true way to live marriage and others think that it’s not the true way.  But, if something is true, it cannot be true in two opposing situations.  We can’t lump extremely serious issues, like monogamy, in with opinions about flavors of ice cream, favorite sports teams, or a favorite color.  Opposing situations can’t both be true.  For example, we can’t say that it is true that killing two-year olds is wrong and it is also true that killing two-year olds is acceptable.  Both of these statements can’t be true.  This is a moral issue and we simply can’t say, “Well, killing two-year olds is wrong for you, but for me, I don’t find that to be true.”  Obviously we can see why this doesn’t work.  There are moral truths that govern our world whether we want to believe it or not.  The thing that I have found is that moral truths almost always deal with how we treat ourselves, other human beings, animals, and our planet.  Ice cream has no bearing on how I treat anything, therefore my opinion on that matter can be what is true for me, but maybe not for someone else.  However, living in a monogamous marriage does affect how someone else is treated, therefore we need to treat it more seriously.

We also can’t take this argument seriously: “Well, there are no absolute truths,” because they have, in fact, just stated an absolute truth, thereby making their logic flawed.  They are saying that it is true that there are no truths.  Illogical.

I believe there are three motivations that cause people to reject monogamy:  1) They don’t want to live a monogamous life 2) They rebel against anything that Christianity stands for and 3) They disdain monogamy because, historically, many marriages were arranged.

1. “I don’t want to live a monogamous life!”

I don’t think it’s so much a question of can’t, but don’t want to, therefore, they have dismissed it as possible for their lives.  “Eh, sure, others can do it, but, hey, not me.”  In looking throughout the internet and trying to get an understanding about why people would feel this way, I have found it all comes down to one thing–sex.  Doesn’t it always?  Many of those against monogamy feel that being “tied down” to one person in life will leave them missing out on sex with lots of other people.  In my mind, what this means is that sex for them is all about what it brings to them and the other person is nothing but an instrument for bringing about pleasure.  I call this using people, which I believe goes against the dignity and worth of a human being.  To use a person until you find another sexual partner or until you feel that the sex just isn’t up to par anymore, is morally wrong.  There is no acceptable argument in support of using a person for sex.

Now, what will be argued here by the other side is that we, as humans, use people all the time.  We use the cashier at the counter to check out our food.  A cashier checks out my food and I pay him.  We just used each other.  We use car mechanics to fix our cars and they use us for money.  So, they say, if two consenting adults enter into a sexual relationship where they both decide to just use each other for pleasure, then there is nothing wrong with that–both are getting what they want.

To this I say, yes, we do “use” people everyday in a variety of situations.  But, to say that we enter into each situation with a robotic-like contract of “I use you, you use me” mentality is to deny the human spirit.  What kind of world would we live in if we treated everyone as just someone to use to get what we want?  As humans we build relationships with people, even those we interact with on a business level.  Quite often, we come to know and like many of the people we interact with through business: our hairdresser, our doctor, our favorite waitress, etc.  They become apart of our lives on a emotional level.  We come to get to know them, to enjoy seeing them, and to miss them if we don’t see them anymore.  We also don’t enter into contracts with friends.  Thank goodness we don’t use our friends for company and good times.  That wouldn’t be friendship.  That would be awful and nobody would really want to be friends if this was the idea.  So it goes, that with sex, a most deeply personal experience, we shouldn’t be entering into mental “contracts” of using each other for pleasure.  Just because both people agree to it, doesn’t mean it is right.

The idea behind a monogamous marriage in Christian terms is that each person gives to the other completely in total love.  Authentic love says, “I’m not going to choose someone else over you.  Every day, I’m going to choose you.”  It is the commitment to be with that person even when it’s hard and even when it’s not super pleasurable, because real love doesn’t leave when things aren’t easy anymore.  The beauty of this love is that it says to the other, “You are enough.”  This view does not deny their dignity and worth.  Polygamy tells each spouse that they are not enough and, in fact, I will choose another over you at times.  You may say that not being tied down to one person allows you to be free with no strings attached.  But, you become a slave to your sexual desires and to your body, which is not true freedom.

2. They rebel against anything that Christianity stands for.

It’s pretty much how our culture is today.  Christians say one thing, so secularists and atheists must rebel against it.  Most of those that I find in favor of just living life or marriage however (just whatever, man) fall into the secular or atheist camp.  The first thing they like to point out is how progressive they are, because they reject anything that happened nine minutes ago.  Christianity has been around for nearly 2,000 years and they believe that’s just too far back in the past to take seriously.  It’s sheer arrogance that would make a person reject everything that came from the past.

You know, to be honest, for most of my life, I’ve took what Christian leaders said about marriage and just believed.  Until the last several years, that is.  I’ve really taken the time to think and ask hard questions to see if monogamous Christian marriage is the best way.  I’ve looked at the options and weighed them all.  I’ve looked at what the purpose of marriage is, what’s best for a family, what’s best for children, what’s best for a society, and many other aspects.  I’ve looked at a lot of people’s different stances and positions.  In the end, though, I became even more convinced that Christianity’s look at the whole issue is best from all angles.  I know that’s not a popular thing to say, but I don’t say it blindly.  Lately, what I see are arguments mostly fueled by emotion, even by those who highly esteem empirical data.  I’m not saying that emotions are bad, in fact, they are much needed.  However, it is difficult to make logical arguments when issues are centered around heightened emotions.  There are those in this country that hate religion (especially Christianity) and what it stands for, therefore, they are very emotional when bringing up Christian beliefs.  The reaction is to reject anything that Christianity has to say.

3.  Disdain for monogamy because, historically, many monogamous marriages were arranged.

I’m a sociologist and I took many classes studying cultures and ways of life throughout the ages.  I had several professors who hated the idea of marriage, because there was a time when the majority of marriages were arranged.  They viewed arranged marriages as oppressive towards women, which I don’t completely disagree with.  However, they still view marriage–even when consensual–as completely oppressive towards women.  It was an institution created by men (or God depending on how you believe) and consequently they believe it must be evil.  I’ve had teachers tell me that marriage is nothing more than a glorified sex-slave trade institution.  The truth of the matter is, yes, there were cultures and times when most marriages were arranged by fathers.  I don’t think it was all as evil as most liberal professors make it out to be, though.  I’m pretty sure there were a few fathers out there that were trying to do what was right with their daughter’s best interest in mind.  But, to be fair, there was a great amount of control over a woman’s life and I’m glad that we don’t do things that way today.  However…

You cannot on the one hand support polygamy because “it’s been around forever all over the world,” but treat monogamy in marriage as abhorrent because “it’s been around forever.” “Monogamous marriage is AWFUL because it’s so old-fashioned and restrictive!  But, polygamy is GREAT (or any other version of marriage) because things have been that way for EVER!”  It was actually Christianity that came around and taught that consent on both sides was needed, that each spouse has dignity and value, and that the spouses are to give full, sacrificial love that places the other first.  Christianity sees marriage as having three main purposes:  1) The spouses are to be an example to the world of Christ’s love.  2) They are to be open to life and work towards building a family.  3) The spouses are to be the keepers of each other’s souls and to watch over their children’s souls, as well, so that all may obtain the glory of Heaven.  I know there are those out there that won’t agree with this, because they don’t believe in souls, Heaven, and Christ’s love.  Yet, I would imagine that most atheists and secularists that are married do try to love their spouse completely, that they don’t want to share their martial bed with other people, that they enjoy raising and loving their children, and that they would like to make sure that the family stays together.  These are very Christian beliefs and good ones to live by.

So, is monogamy unrealistic?  I don’t think so.  Can it be hard for some to practice?  Yeah, maybe.  It’s not something I struggle with, but I’m sure there are those that do.  But, often what is best for us and others is difficult and sacrificial.  Though it is through that sacrifice that we show true love, which is what we all really want deep down.