I Won’t Change For You, but I Will Grow For You.

The other night, our family sat down to watch “Runaway Bride.”  My husband and I had seen it before, but it was the first time for my two girls.

I’m pretty sure everyone’s seen it, but here’s a quick re-cap.  Maggie, played by Julie Roberts, is a woman afraid of saying, “I do.”  She has left three men at the alter and bets are that she will leave the 4th groom standing there all alone, too.  Ike, a reporter played by Richard Gere, goes to Maggie’s small town to investigate her cold-feet problem at the alter.  While there, he discovers that Maggie is a very confused lady who doesn’t really know who she is and just morphs into whatever woman she thinks her current guy will like.  She adopts their likes, tastes, and fashions.  She never really discovers her own personal likes and she fears that nobody will really love her if they find out her true identity.

After the movie, we discussed with our girls what the movie was all about and why it is important to always be you.  This leads me into the topic of this blog.  In our culture, we are bombarded with messages of “don’t change for anyone” and “don’t ever change yourself.”  To a point, I agree.  In my teens, I wasted years of my life trying to be the girl that I thought the guy I was dating would like.  It was exhausting.  In an attempt to impress my boyfriend, I even tried out for cheerleading.  He always had his eye on them and so in an effort to gain his gaze, I decided to become one.  I hated it.  No offense to cheerleaders, but it just wasn’t my thing.  I was a runner, a volleyball player, and sitting on the sidelines cheering was torture.

The day that I found out I was a varsity cheerleader I happily walked out of school to my car.  On the way across the parking lot, I saw my boyfriend.  I waved him down, excited to share with him the good news.  Finally, I would win his affection, I thought.  I’ll never forget what he said to me.

“Guess what?!  I made varsity cheerleader!”

“You’ll never be any good.”  And with that “supportive” comment, he rolled up his window and drove away.  I was crushed.

I think there are two types of change that we need to define.  I do think that it is important to remain who we are with regards to our likes and dislikes, unless of course they are harmful for you.  I love music, am obsessed with the color purple, enjoy watching football, love reading books, and prefer watching movies that are focused on realistic relationships.  My husband doesn’t really care about colors, he likes reading fantasy stories, he enjoys sci-fi movies, and music is great for him, but I’m not sure it captures his soul the way it does me.  None of these things ever need to change about us.  I love that he is different from me in these ways because they are him.  I want him to have his own unique identity.  I think he would say the same thing about me.  If someone wants to change these types of things about you, that is unhealthy and wrong.

But, there are parts of us that do need to grow.  Sometimes we need others to point out areas where we can grow and become better people.  These are good things to change about ourselves.  If a loved one is calling us to grow in a virtue, such as patience, temperance, purity, charity, faith, or generosity, this is a good thing and we should never balk at it.  In fact, we should thank them for pointing it out.  But, truth be told, our culture tells us we shouldn’t.  Our culture tells us that we don’t have to change anything about ourselves, but this isn’t true.  If our behavior is harmful to ourselves or others it should change.  If our behavior is holding us back from becoming who God made us to be, then it should change.

Let me show you why.

I’m a bit of a hot head sometimes.  In my late teens and early twenties, my anger and temper got out of control sometimes.  When I married my husband, he worked (patiently) with me to help calm me down and find healthy ways to express myself.  At first, when he would try to correct me, I would yell out, “Well, you know what?  This is who I am.  I can’t change this about myself.  Sorry.”  But, how unloving is that?  What I was basically saying is, “Don’t ask me to change this negative thing about myself.  I know that it gets lashed out on you, but too bad.  Deal with it.”

Thankfully, over time, I came to understand that Dustin wasn’t trying to change me for the worse, he was working on changing me for the better.  I just needed to open myself up to the change and face that negative aspect of myself.  It was hard.  I still slip sometimes, but I do recognize it as a problem and don’t want it negatively affecting my loved ones or myself any longer.  So, I work continuously to change it and that is a good thing.

There is always areas of our life where we need to grow, whether it be spiritual, emotional, physical, or intellectual.  In this life, we should be working on betterment of self till God calls us home.  It’s a challenge, but an important one.  When we stay stagnant and brush away people’s offers to help us, we are denying ourselves and the world our best.  And Lord knows, we need everyone at their best.

Something I tell my girls frequently is to always try to discern what a person is asking of you.  With regards to change, it’s important to ask ourselves, “Is this person asking me to change something negative into something better?”  If the answer is yes, than we should actively try to change that about ourselves.  If the person is just asking you to change personal preferences, then more than likely it’s not something you need to really change.  Unless, of course, it’s bad for you.

I believe the reason that our culture tells people they should never change is because holding a mirror in front of our faces is hard.  Changing negative things is hard.  Our culture wants no pain, just comfort and easiness, yet this leads to uninspiring lives.  At the end of “Runaway Bride,” Maggie discovers who she really is and what she really likes and dislikes in her life–she allows her real self to blossom.  At the same time, she also works to grow as a friend and a lover, so that she can be the best for the people she loves in her life.  It was painful for her and it took some time, but it was worth it in the end, because she was blessed with contentment, love, and happiness.

It is my hope that in this new year you have the courage to grow for betterment.  I’ll be working right along with you.