How The Military Life Can Strengthen Your Marriage

Since Veteran’s Day is celebrated this week, I thought I’d merge marriage and the military life into a blog.  I’ve been a military spouse long enough now that I can look at how the military life has positively affected my marriage and many others I’ve had the privilege of meeting.  This blog is in no way meant to show that military marriages are better than civilian ones.  In fact, many military marriages struggle to last, but it doesn’t have to be this way.  Every couple, military or not, can have a beautiful, lasting marriage if the couple makes it a priority.  What’s interesting about the military, is that the things that can break a marriage are also the very things that can forge a strong bond.

(Disclaimer:  I’ll be writing this from a military wife’s perspective, so please forgive me in advance.  I know there are lots of good couples where the wife is the active duty member.  I’m sure that has it’s own set of challenges.  I’m just writing what I know.)

Team Effort

When I was a young second lieutenant’s wife, many of the seasoned spouses I met would comment that this “isn’t just a job, it’s a way of life.”  I sorta got what they meant, but now as a seasoned spouse myself, I fully understand.  Military life is a team effort.  Your husband may be the one that puts on the uniform and does the “job,” but make no mistake, it takes the team of husband and wife to make it a positive experience.

I’ve been to several retirement ceremonies and every single husband gushed with gratitude and admiration for his spouse.  Often times, the spouses are behind the scenes doing work that nobody realizes or notices.  Usually, the wives encourage family friendly unit get-togethers to make sure everyone feels included, cared for, and welcomed.  With late nights, long TDY’s (equivalent of a business trip), and deployments, the spouse is the glue that holds it all together.  This can strengthen a marriage, because when both members of the marriage are vested, there is a common goal.  When the spouse sees it as her job to make this life a success and to offer her talents in whatever way she can, it unifies the couple.  I think it also frees the husband to do his job well and I know they appreciate that burden lifted off of them.

Home

Home.  It has a lot of meanings doesn’t it?  As a military family it can be a complicated thing to describe.  There’s the home of your roots; where you are originally from.  There is where you are stationed at any particular time–your temporary home.  There’s your actual place of residence–the home structure.  And then there’s that intangible place where your heart resides.  Most military spouses when asked where home is respond with, “Uh…what exactly do you mean when you say home?  Where I was born?  Where I live now?”  It’s something my family laughs about frequently.

Sometimes, a military family feels like vagabonds with no real permanent home.  Sure, you have the place where your extended family lives.  The place of your roots always has a special place in your heart.  Yet, after years go by, you feel like you belong there less and less.  The thing about military life is that it really shines a light on the fact that “home” is wherever you are as a married couple.  In my opinion, my home is my family.  It’s not necessarily a place.  So, it doesn’t matter where the military sends us and it doesn’t matter if we have to live in a 1950’s style war bunker on base.  All that matters is that as a family, we are together.  The military will throw you into some interesting locations and every few years you have to leave behind places and homes that you love.  It strengthens a marriage when you can “bloom where you are planted” and make any situation work.

The Challenge

There is nothing like the military life to challenge you as a person or as a married couple.  To be sure, there are lots of strains:  Deployments, TDY’s, less than desirable living conditions, demanding commanders, etc.  But, one thing that Dustin and I have remarked on through the years is how much all this makes you grow.  Seriously, it is no piece of cake to pack up a house, move across the country, find a new house, new schools, new church, new friends, learn a new job, and learn a new city.  It is extremely stressful and taxing, but at the same time, as a family we never stay stagnant.

Every move, Dustin and I have to start all over again and ask ourselves, “How do we make this place, this job, this base work best for our family?”  Every time we move there are growing pains, but if I look back to the people we were when Dustin entered, I am amazed at the transformation in us as individuals and as a married couple.  This way of life forces us to make goals for our family, discover new hobbies, and learn how to adapt together to a different location.  Military life will test your mettle as a couple, but it will grow you in ways you could never imagine.

Cultural Influences

One of the things I love most about the military life is the people you meet.  I, literally, have met people from all over the world and it has greatly enriched my life.  But, more importantly, it has enriched our marriage, because we are constantly introduced to new cultures and backgrounds that offer us something to incorporate into our family to make it even better.  Let me give you some examples.

Our friend from Italy, taught us the importance of relaxing and enjoying each other’s company.  Our friends from Puerto Rico, impressed us with their generosity towards friends and the willingness to open up their home to company and make them feel like honored guests.  Our Mormon friends taught us to slow down and relish in our children and that living simply can be very rewarding and joy-filled.  There are so many more examples, but all these influences have enriched our marriage and we are so grateful for the opportunities.

Marriage takes hard work no matter if you are a civilian or military couple.  No matter our situation in life, there are pros and cons.  I think military life sometimes gets shed as a romantic story with handsome, uniformed men and enduring, adoring ladies holding down the fort in their high heels and red lipstick.  I’ll be the first to say this is not the case.  The trick is to take the cons of the military life, flip them on their head, and find a way to make them work for your benefit.  That’s a difficult task, but it can be done.  Putting things in perspective often helps.  For example: Realizing that while you may live in the desert, it won’t be forever.  And how many people get to say that they lived ______?  (enter your unusual location)  AND it makes for great stories.

So, to all the married military couples out there, I applaud you.  It’s a tough life, but a rewarding one.  Each place you move is like a chapter in a book and someday when he retires, you are gonna mentally flip through that book and smile.  All the trials will show your strength as a couple.  All the people you have met will make your heart swell with love.  And all the joys will be wonderful memories to reflect back on through the years.