When I was about 17-years old, I was driving my brother and sister home from school one day. My brother, who was around 12 at the time, was seated in the passenger seat and my sister was in the back. As we were heading towards home, an elderly woman pulled out in front of me and without even thinking I spat out, “What a bitch!” or something to that effect. Instantly, my brother became extremely upset with me. He didn’t yell at me or tell me what a horrible person I was, he just started crying. (I hope I don’t embarrass him with this post.) On his face was the look of complete disappointment. When we pulled into our driveway, he got out without saying a word to me, walked in the house, and went straight to his room. I followed him inside and found him laying on his bed, his back to the door. I tried to speak to him, but he would have nothing to do with it. So, I eventually walked out of the room and left him alone.
A little background on our relationship: My siblings and I got along very well. Even though there is an age difference of five and seven years, we have always been close. Sure, we’ve had our moments of sibling battles. We teased, annoyed, and bickered like most siblings, but we were close and had a positive relationship for sure. I, being the oldest, was often times their summertime babysitter and I spent a lot of time with my brother and sister. Keep that in mind as you continue to read.
Needless to say, I felt really bad that I had upset my brother so much. This was the first time he had ever heard me cuss, but I just couldn’t understand why he was so completely torn-up by this one outburst. I tried apologizing, but nothing helped. He continued to lay on his bed and would have nothing to do with me. When my mom came home from work, I ‘fessed up and told her my crime. I explained that Michael was completely distraught over it and wouldn’t come out of his room. She walked back to his room and tried to soothe him. I listened from the doorway.
“Michael, I know it’s upsetting, but do you feel that you may be overreacting to this just a little bit?” I heard my mom ask him.
He wouldn’t answer. I could hear him softly crying.
“Michael, Amy is sorry that she said that and she didn’t mean to say that in front of you,” my mom reasoned with him.
And then, he rolled over and looked her straight in the eyes and said, “I never thought she would say anything like that” and then he rolled back over.
Then I understood why he was so completely torn-up by this. And it crushed me. In my brother’s eyes, I had let him down. He held me to a standard and I did not live up to it. This one outburst, as insignificant as it may seem in the grand scheme of things, was not becoming of me. Michael expected more from me.
Now I can hear you, the reader, saying, “Geez, Amy, it was one little cuss word, I mean, come on.”
I know, one little cuss word and I’ve thought about this event so many times in my life. Can you believe that?
You may also be saying, “He was young and it was shocking to him.”
He was young, but he had heard cussing in his life. He was not a stranger to it. He just had never heard it from me.
Or you may be thinking, “Good grief, if that’s the standard we are to be held to, then, man, we all fall pretty short. I mean, what did he expect a halo around your head?”
I know, right? Seems pretty silly, doesn’t it? But, it’s not. And here’s why. My brother, even though he didn’t know it, was showing me that through his eyes, I was more than this. He must have known that I spoke like this when he wasn’t around and he would be right. I did cuss. I cussed a lot. I thought nothing of it. It rolled off my tongue pretty easily, actually. But, in this one incident, I realized that Michael thought more of me and I had dropped the ball. Is that too high of an expectation? Maybe. Maybe not. But through him, I understood that this part of me was less than what it should be.
“Okay, Amy, what are you saying? Are you saying we should all stop cussing now? Are we all gonna be holy-rollers who never do a bad thing? I mean, for the love, lighten up!”
This is not an anti-cussing blog, promise. But…let me say this. After that day, something in me started to change. Michael had expected a better me and I had come up short. He forced me to think about if what I was doing was making me better. Did speaking this way make me a better person? And I had to answer with a humbled “no.” The point of this story, is that often times God places people in our life or situations where we are confronted with something that is unbecoming of us–a lesser version of ourselves. God sees us as the amazing, unique, profoundly good people that we are and I know it must be so sad to see us drift from that. He tries to nudge us gently and most of the time we flick those thoughts away like a nagging fly. And then sometimes, He gives other people His eyes, to see us as He sees us. Michael at that moment, had God’s eyes. And his emotional reaction to it, showed me just how much it hurt him to see me act like that. My brother’s pain, caused me pain, thereby forcing a change in me.
It didn’t happen overnight, but eventually I left cussing behind. I’m not here to shame you if you do. I don’t think this makes me a saint or better than anyone else. I just realized that I didn’t like it for myself. If something is not good for my life, if it doesn’t make it better, then I see no reason to do it. It adds nothing to my life. Sometimes we do stuff and don’t even realize that it is wrong or bad for us. But, then God finds a way to speak to us so that we are confronted with this negative aspect so as to hopefully make the choice to weed it out. In many ways, I think God knew that my brother would have the power to change me. Why? Because I love him. I love my brother and sister. Because of that love, I want to be better for them. I want to be what they truly see in me. It’s because of my love for my brother and for God that I chose to change.
Eventually, Michael forgave me. I’m sure he doesn’t even really know how much I think back on that time. I had two choices in that moment: 1. To say, “Michael, it wasn’t that big of a deal. You’ll get over it. Don’t you think you are taking this a bit far. I mean, I’m sorry, but there are seriously worse things in the world.” OR 2. “Michael, thank you. Thank you for expecting more from me, even when I didn’t expect it of myself. Thank you for loving me enough that it pains you when you see me act out of character. Because I love you, I will remove this from my life. I’m gonna make mistakes and I’m gonna mess up, but if you can find a way to hold me accountable to who God made me to be, than I’m gonna listen to that.”
I’m glad I went with choice number two. I’ve never regretted it.
