To Work or Stay Home: The Military Spouse’s Dilemma

When I was fresh out of college with my degree in Criminology, I was ready to take on the world.  I was eager to get out into the work world and wrangle in some criminals.  Little did I know that marrying a military man would make having a career very challenging.  As we moved to our first duty station at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton, Ohio, I had no idea what to expect.  There I was a fresh-faced 23-year old with my hands on hips, a determined look on my face, and my diploma in my hand.  Yet, I also had a daughter who was about to turn one and I was moving to a place where I knew not a soul.  My heart and my brain were engaged in a rousing battle of tug-of-war.

“Amy, you must work!  You just earned a degree; you must use it!  Don’t let it go to waste!” my brain screamed.

“But, what about Rhianna?  You don’t know anyone.  She’s so little.  What if she misses you?” my heart countered.

“WORK!”

“STAY HOME!”

The battle waged on.  I had resolved in my mind long ago that I was going to be a working mom.  Staying home was just not in the cards for me.  But, once I had my daughter things started to shift in my thinking and I tried very hard to push those maternal thoughts away.  Toss into the mix being a military spouse and a whole new element was added to the game.  When we got to Dayton, I could not find meaningful work and this depressed me.  I felt useless being at home.  So, I decided that I would take any job just to be out there doing something.  I became a substitute teacher, which was okay.  But, it wasn’t what I had envisioned for myself.  Then there was the guilt of leaving my daughter.  I began to envy men, because I don’t think they are burdened so heavily with this internal struggle.  For the most part, men just kinda know that they will work outside of the home.  It’s what they do.  Women, on the other hand, struggle with making the decision to either work or stay home.  This is true whether your spouse is in the military or not.

While at Wright-Patterson, I did several unappealing, unsatisfying jobs.  I worked as a gopher for some very arrogant, obnoxious defense attorneys.  The head attorney had a private farm and after learning that I was from Kansas, he decided I should go out to the farm and work it.  He figured a Kansas girl would know all the ends and outs of farm life.  As you can imagine, I left.  I then went to work at the base legal office, but still to this day can’t figure out why that job was there.  There was nothing, and I mean, nothing for me to do.  I was bored out of my mind.  After working for awhile, I decided to go back to school and get my Master’s and that is what I did for the remainder of our time in Ohio.  While there, we also welcomed our second child and I was grateful that I could stay home with her during the day and go to school at night.

Our next adventure was in Florida and here I was again with a fresh diploma in hand.  In my mind, working was a must.  I mean, good grief, here I was with an advanced degree and it seemed imperative that I go out and do something.  As it turned out, my experience in Florida was a lot easier than in Ohio.  I found a job that was right up my alley and after a 15-minute interview, I was hired.  I couldn’t believe my good luck.  Then I realized I didn’t have a baby sitter for my little ones.

My husband and I got out the phone book and started driving around to the different daycare centers in town.  Each one we rolled up to, I wanted to cry.  Frankly, I just COULD NOT imagine leaving my child at them.  To be fair, I never gave them a chance by going inside and speaking with the people.  Some looked dirty.  Some looked too sterile.  Some seemed to be lacking the love factor.  Some just seemed to be lacking everything.  I was ready to throw up my hands and call my new boss and tell her that I couldn’t find care for my kids.  Then my husband suggested we try the home providers on base.  Reluctantly, I agreed.  I had sunk into dispair and was convinced that nothing could be found on base.  And then we walked into Miss Patti’s home and all became right in the world.  I knew from the moment I saw her that she was the one.  It was like meeting your soulmate:  Her smile warmed me, she was welcoming, her home was clean, and, I just had those warm fuzzy feelings about her.  It was a perfect match.  While in Florida my ability to have a meaningful career and have my children cared for by someone that I trusted was possible.  Then we moved to the middle of the Mojave Desert…

As we were driving up to the base through the vast, barren nothing, I looked around for signs of life.  There was none.  I called my husband on the phone in the car ahead of me and nervously asked, “Where are you taking me?”

It became very apparent, very quickly that working at this base just might not happen.  After we were settled and my oldest was enrolled in school, I started to think about work.  There was nothing on the base were I could utilize my skills or that I was interested in.  The nearest town where I could possibly find work was 45 minutes away.  I thought long and hard and realized that I didn’t want to work that far away from my home and family.  I knew I would be unhappy with that and decided that for the next three to four years I would just stay home.  Again, I started to get a little depressed thinking about the prospect of just chillin’ in the middle of nowhere for so long.  And then, we were faced with a huge decision.

My daughter was not adjusting very well to the base school.  In Florida, her school was small, had lots of opportunities for advanced learning, and the students and staff were like family.  On the other hand, the base school was the only school for miles and miles and…well..you get what you get.  I’ll just leave it at that.  I quickly saw her love of learning slipping away and it really worried her dad and me.  I started toying with the idea of homeschooling.  This really shocked me because homeschooling had never been on my radar–ever.  Soon, we pulled her from school and I became a third grade teacher to my daughter.

Now we are living in Virginia and while there are ample opportunities for work, homeschooling has become a way of life for us.  As a family we fell in love with it.  My job everyday is to be a teacher to my kids.  I never would have expected this for my life back at the start of our military life, but I am so thankful for this opportunity.  In my early twenties, I thought that the only way I could feel fulfilled was to work outside the home.  I’ve learned that fulfillment can be found in more ways than one–the military taught me that.

The military life presents many challenges, many ups, many downs, but these experiences are all opportunities to grow.  If I could offer some advice to a new military spouse I would say:  Be flexible.  Don’t have rigid expectations.  With this life, you never know what is going to be laid at your feet.  If your idea of how things are going to be are set in a stone, you will frustrate yourself and possibly miss out on something great.  You’ll find at some bases working will be easy as pie.  At other bases having a career or any job could be darn near impossible.  If you want to work and can and that works for your family, then great!  If you want to stay home and it works for you and your family, then great!  If you are married without kids, get out there and explore.  Immerse yourself in the culture and just see what happens.  If you are staying home and feel that tug to be around adults, then get involved in non-profits or on base.  While in California I became a Key Spouse and had responsibilities and involvement with my husband’s squadron.  This allowed me to use my skills in a different way.  Here in Virginia, I started a blog in order to feel like I’m “using” my degree.  Though homeschooling your kids will put your degree to great use, I promise.

Most of all, be realistic and reasonable.  I stressed myself out in the beginning of our time in the military by trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  No matter what you choose to do, make the choice that is best for you and your family.  Don’t worry about what the other spouses are doing, because they don’t know your circumstances or your personality.  We all come from different backgrounds and none of us knows the choices that each family is having to make.  Some families need both parents to work and it’s important to be supportive of those spouses, as well.  Just remember that each base presents new challenges, new obstacles, new adventures, and new opportunities.  Whether you stay at home, work outside the home, homeschool, or volunteer, you are doing something worthwhile, productive, and useful.  If we go into each base with a rigid idea of how things must be, we may miss out on a path that is better for us and our families.